1. President Obama had a beer with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant James Crowley at the White House today, in order to heal America’s racial problems while drinking the beverage that has fuelled so many of them. There was some tension at first though, when Crowley asked Obama to prove that it was actually his house.
2. Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman's perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.
3. To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.
4. President Obama is going to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people, including Senator Ted Kennedy, Billie Jean King, and the inventors of ketchup packets and Gideon Bibles.
5. A stick-in-the-mud school in India banned “dangerous” events after a motorcyclist rode over the fingers of students. You’d think the parents would be outraged, but they’re the ones who came up with the idea! “I want some stranger to ride a motorcycle over my kid’s fingers, damn it! What do I pay taxes for if you won’t do that?!” And in the United States, school parents are freaking out over peanuts. They must hate us when we call with our pansy-ass computer problems. “I can’t find my on switch!” “Yes, you stupid weak American. My son’s teacher throws live cobras at him.”
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