A Chinese man taking a bicycle vacation through Somalia has been deported from the country. The official reason? Stupidity. “We may have pirates and terrorists, but at least they’re not total idiots.” But why are they going after this guy instead of the pirates and terrorists? That’s like getting kicked off a major league baseball team for using aspirin.
Some scientists want to stop the growth of the Sahara Desert by pumping massive amounts of bacteria into the ground, which will solidify the sand and make it completely unmovable. Similar to what happens to your bowels after eating Taco Bell.
A new report says the Department of Energy is wasting enormous amounts of energy. It’s the biggest scandal since the Department of the Interior turned out to have horrible wallpaper. And since all the staff at the Department of Indian Affairs turned out to be faithfully married.
For a few days, scientists have been studying a blotch that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the blotch had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.
The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
A New York man has recreated the recipe of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He even quit his job to focus on it, saying that he wanted to spend time doing what he loves and being with his kids. Those seem like conflicting goals, since considering what he loves is fried chicken, he’s probably not going to be around for his kids very long.
Did you know that 12-year-olds can apparently legally hunt by themselves in 21 states? So don’t go hiking wearing a hoodie. “Oh my god, it’s Voldemort! Shoot!”
Kim Jong Il is especially enjoying today’s solar eclipse in Asia, because it’s the only time he can go out during the day without bursting into flames.
A man from Long Island has been charged with attacking a military base in Afghanistan. American soldiers realized the man was from Long Island when after the attack, he mooned them, yelled “Wanna see a lunar eclipse?”, then pulled his pants back up.
A new study says toucans have huge bills to release excess body heat. The study said it’s similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.
Inmates at a prison in Italy are putting on a major performance of “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.
There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants a vice president who has proven that he can strengthen Ahmadinejad’s reputation with the Iranian people -- Dick Cheney.
In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.
Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.
Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?
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