8/1

1. A woman in Georgia was arrested for padding her bra with crystal meth. Apparently in some parts of Georgia, that’s the best way to attract a man.

2. A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”

3. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a small submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.

4. Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.

5. Some experts say that recommended daily limits on alcohol consumption aren‘t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”