BEST OF THE WEEK

In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing their plane, which was carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the samples were on the tires of the plane. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the black box -- samples of girlish screams.

Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement (yet again) to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said he had to be “careful not to commit for the wrong reasons”. For example, being a man-child who can’t cope without constant media attention -- that’s okay.

A new study (true) says that a zombie attack would lead to the end of civilization unless dealt with quickly. Squads were immediately dispatched to healthcare town halls across the country. One of the professors behind the study has a question mark legally attached to his last name (again, true), because after hearing about his research, people always ask him incredulously: “Professor Robert Smith?”

A 63-year-old woman in Iowa survived on a raft for five days with just a bottle of water and two cans of Mountain Dew. At least, rescuers thought it was Mountain Dew, until they realized those were just the cans where she was storing her urine. Said one rescuer: “We should have known when the Mountain Dew tasted so much better than usual.”

A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.

A new study says candles can increase your risk of cancer. So remember, kids, only use imitation light-bulb candles when performing Satanic rituals.

The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will talk about how strange it is that they‘re called funeral “homes”.

The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”

In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.

In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.

A new survey said the majority of heavy drinkers didn’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey, they were passed out in the corner.

A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.

A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”

Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.

The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.

The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.

Researchers say wrinkle-faced bats have amazingly strong bites for their size. I can believe that -- an old wrinkle-faced bat bit me once, and that’s the last time I’m visiting a retirement home.

Some banks in Italy are taking Parmesan cheese as collateral for loans. However, bank robberies have become an increasing problem. Italian police just released a prison photo (below) of the leader of the most notorious gang of cheese robbers. The picture was taken during an inter-species prison riot.