BEST OF THE WEEK

An internet security firm said that searches for Jessica Biel result in more scam websites with viruses than any other celebrity. Because those are the only websites still writing about her career.

A new study says colleges and prisons have been hit hardest by state budget cuts. Some states are thinking long-term by cutting MBA programs, which will lower the number of prison inmates down the road.

Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”

New laws require cigarette packs to have graphic images showing the risks of tobacco. For example, photos of cancerous mouths. Or of President Obama desperately hiding from reporters while smoking.

A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.

KFC is now testing a ‘sandwich’ with fried chicken instead of bread buns. Basically, it’s just a mass of fried chicken, cheese, and bacon in your hands. KFC says it’s an attempt to bring customers back to a simpler, more innocent age -- before utensils were invented. One problem KFC found was that many people tragically couldn’t tell where the sandwich ended and their fingers began. Also, the addition of grilled chicken to its menu meant that KFC was no longer filling its federal heart attack quota. The sandwich is going to be known as the ‘KFC’ too, which stands for ‘Kwik Fucking Coronary’.

President Obama plans to read six books on his current vacation. Hearing this, former President Bush said, “I thought he was on vacation.”

Alec Baldwin said he might run against Joe Lieberman for the Senate, to which Lieberman responded, “Make my day.” It was the most inappropriate use of a Clint Eastwood line since the official slogan of Christian Governors of America: “If she looks back, she’s interested.”

A new recipe for crystal meth can be done in a soda bottle, but unfortunately, it sometimes causes the soda bottle to explode. Especially since the release of new ‘Meth-tos’ breath mints. Some people use the new recipe to make crystal meth while driving. Which is still safer than texting.

Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community labor, and the judge says the work must be physical. But do you really want Chris Brown getting more physical?

A new MTV commercial shows Russell Brand speaking telepathically to Britney Spears. But if that actually happened, I don’t think Spears could separate his voice from all the others in her head.

Engineers are building 100,000 artificial trees to cope with global warming, because the previous contractor, known as ‘Mother Nature’, was taking decades for each tree. Plus, trees by Mother Nature are widely banned for being dangerously flammable.

A teenager in Rhode Island had to be rescued from a hole at a beach when it collapsed on him. This being Rhode Island, the collapse took out most of the state.

Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania for speaking out against discrimination towards Gypsies. The fans booed because they don’t support a nomadic culture that puts so much value on singing and dancing, which is why they paid to see Madonna on her world concert tour.

A sorority at Colorado State University has been suspended for making new members eat cat food. Have they seen cat food these days? That’s probably the healthiest thing the students have eaten in months. I think other sororities should be suspended for making new members eat in the university’s cafeteria. And suspended just for feeding cat food? The university also made headlines recently for being voted America’s Pussiest School. Have they ever seen “Animal House”?