BEST OF THE WEEK

Proctor & Gamble announced a much cheaper version of Tide detergent called Tide Basic, because basically, it doesn’t get your clothes clean. I think the instructions will read: “For best results after washing with Tide Basic, wash again with regular Tide.” Maybe you’ll open a box of Tide Basic and inside will just be a hanger. “To wash, hang clothes behind you while putting on your deodorant.”

Goldman Sachs has asked its workers to be discreet with their huge bonuses. They should: a) not show off big purchases; and b) say they work for AIG.

Marines will now be barred from social networking websites like Facebook, because they're overloading internet capacity. Although, if you really want to stop overloading the internet, you need to ban porn. But that would be the end of the volunteer military.

Wal-Mart is selling private versions of Girl Scout cookies, so finally people don’t have to buy them from scruffy children trying to raise money. I hear they’re also going to offer privately written thank-you “letters” from kids in Africa.

Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, fell off a stage during a concert. Apparently his mic cord got tangled in his lips. Luckily, he’s eligible for Medicare now.

Rupert Murdoch says he will now charge for internet access to his news media. The price is expected to be around $9.99 a month plus one-hundredth of your soul.

The world’s largest-ever matzo ball is being cooked in New York City. It’s also the largest-ever dish cooked with absolutely zero flavor. The previous record-holders had been set almost every night by various branches of Applebee’s.

A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”

After quitting the singing competition show “American Idol”, Paula Abdul is thinking of moving to “Dancing With the Stars”, because she wants to finally judge something that she can do well.

A new study says 70% of American kids don’t get enough Vitamin D, which human bodies make from sunlight. To fix the problem, scientists are trying to add sunlight to Facebook and Xboxes.

Judges in Nevada are considering releasing O.J. Simpson, so he can work on proving that he didn’t get a fair trial. Unfortunately, O.J. says it might take even longer than finding the real killers.

Actor Ryan O’Neal has admitted not recognizing his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, in addition to accidentally hitting on her. No wonder his daughter uses crack. Actually, maybe her being a crackhead is what turned him on.

Research ships have been sent to study what has been called a “giant plastic island” in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. However, today, the ships discovered that it was just Kenny Rogers scuba diving.

Hillary Clinton wants to help Kenya stop graft and corruption. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”

North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.

The world’s largest concrete arch bridge will soon open next to Hoover Dam. It’s already been paid for by selling the rights to blow it up to Jerry Bruckheimer. Other funding came from having the final six-foot gap filled by David Blaine live on TV. Cars will just go over his back.

New figures show that the United States had almost no job growth over the last decade. Zero. Except for consultants. That’s because the consultants help companies figure out how to make money without hiring anyone.

A hacker attack shut down Twitter yesterday. The most common message stopped from being posted was: “Hey, is Twitter down?”

The movie “G.I. Joe” is coming out this weekend. The “G.I.” apparently stands for “gastro-intestinal”, because it’s a pile of crap.

In Canada, police are investigating parents who made a film of their seven-year-old driving a car and put it on YouTube. Now I wonder how they got the idea that might be a cute way to get famous?