1. A 63-year-old woman in Iowa was found alive after floating on a raft for five days. Rescuers said she survived with just a bottle of water and two cans of Mountain Dew. At least, they thought it was Mountain Dew, until they realized those were just the cans where she was storing her urine. Said one rescuer: “We should have known when it tasted so much better than usual.”
2. The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will speak about how strange it is that people send flowers to funerals.
3. In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.
4. A new survey says the majority of heavy drinkers don’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey they were passed out in the corner.
5. A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.
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