General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
A new internet treatment for insomnia is becoming popular. That’s like a new brand of whiskey that cures alcoholism. I assume the insomnia treatment features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off your computer and go to bed!”
The NFL is now going to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm…
In Britain, people are competing to see who has the best memory in the world. Events include memorizing playing cards, decimal numbers, random words, and many more tasks that can be easily done by even the most outdated computer.
The latest “Baseball Autograph Collector’s Handbook” lists the home address of every living major league player, umpire, manager, and coach. Buyers of the book are equally divided among autograph seekers, blackmailers, and women filing paternity suits. The author has over 100,000 baseball autographs, in addition to the world record for most restraining orders. He also has his own zip code, but not because of the autograph book -- because he’s also the author of “The Complete Guide to Fried Oreos”.
In the upcoming Afghanistan election, President Karzai’s main rival is Abdullah Abdullah, who is supported by 26% of voters. However, later surveys revealed that half of those voters think Abdullah Abdullah is a 1980s pop band.
A new study says that high-fat foods can make your short-term memory worse. So maybe pot doesn’t affect your short-term memory -- maybe it’s just all the Cheetos and cookies.
One of India’s biggest movie stars was interrogated by U.S. immigration officials for over an hour. Actually, they would have let him go sooner, but whenever they asked him a question, he would burst into song. And then they had to process all the dancers who would suddenly appear. The problem was only solved when a female official began singing questions to him, and they sang the interrogation while chasing each other flirtatiously through the airport.
In Germany, some new political posters are featuring Chancellor Angela Merkel’s partially exposed breasts. However, most surprisingly, the posters are supposed to make you want to vote for her.
The North Carolina hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, is suing a local rapper for using its trademarks. However, he is suing the team for revealing that he’s a hockey fan, which has completely destroyed his hip hop reputation. The only thing about hockey that’s cool in hip hop is Jason’s mask from Friday the 13th movies. There hasn’t been a scandal like this since Cal Tech sued Dr. Dre for using trademarks from its math team. Another problem for the team is that they‘ve now lost one of their three fans. They’re a hockey team in North Carolina -- they need everyone they can get.
Miley Cyrus did a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards, because that was apparently the choice of male teens.
Riders on a roller coaster in California had to be rescued when it stopped halfway. The ride was supposed to take 70 seconds, but ended up taking five hours. Sounds like signing up for internet with Time Warner Cable.
In Venezuela, the government wants to close golf courses and build houses on the land. Why not compromise? The houses could just become obstacles for the golfers. Considering the crime rate in Venezuela, this would probably still be safer for homeowners.
Facebook is introducing Facebook Lite for countries with limited internet access. The pared-down website simply lists public places where you can meet friends and actually talk to them.
A swimming pool in France banned a Muslim woman wearing a full-body swimsuit, because the pool “forbids swimming while clothed”. For people who both believe in religious freedom and are male, that last part is very conflicting.
Abercrombie & Fitch was found guilty of discriminating against a clerk with a prosthetic arm. The store's reason was that she wore a sweater to cover the arm, and it didn’t fit the store’s look. Wow, I didn’t know their clerks even wore clothes.
France and Germany are out of the recession! Woo hoo! Both economies grew 0.3% last quarter! That’s… very small. I grew 0.3% last quarter just by putting Odor Eaters in my shoes.
To stop swine flu, several conservative rabbis flew around Israel in a small plane while praying. They also set the record for highest airborne sideburn-density, previously held by the Flying Elvises:
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