1. The North Carolina hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, is suing a local rapper for using its trademarks. However, he is suing the team for revealing that he’s a hockey fan, which has completely destroyed his hip hop reputation. The only thing about hockey that’s cool in hip hop is Jason’s mask from "Friday the 13th" movies. There hasn’t been a scandal like this since Cal Tech sued Dr. Dre for using trademarks from its math team. Another problem for the team is that they‘ve now lost one of their three fans. They’re a hockey team in North Carolina -- they need everyone they can get.
2. General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
3. New research says that people with red hair are more sensitive to pain. That might explain why you never see red-headed reporters sitting through Senate hearings.
4. A new website in Britain is going to protect pro athletes from groups that charge way too much for shoddy services. You know, fans would like one of those too.
5. A major new opera is going to be written entirely from Twitter messages. Actually, considering the lyrics in most classic operas, this will probably be the most sophisticated opera ever.
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