1. Goldman Sachs has asked its workers to be discreet about their huge bonuses. They should a) be low-key with purchases; and b) pretend to work for AIG.
2. A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”
3. North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we had sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
4. A German soccer team has a song that says (true): “Mohammed was a prophet who understood nothing about football.” Muslims are upset about that -- not by the mention of Mohammed, but for saying that he didn’t understand soccer. The Koran says that Mohammed was captain of the Saudi national team and defeated Brazil 5,238 to zero at the first World Cup, which was quite a feat, because the Brazilians used poison arrows back then.
5. Hillary Clinton is visiting Kenya and wants to stop graft and corruption there. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”
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