8/29

1. A sorority at Colorado State University has been suspended for making new members eat cat food. Have they seen cat food these days? That’s probably the healthiest thing the students have eaten in months. I think other sororities should be suspended for making new members eat in the university’s cafeteria. And suspended just for feeding cat food? The university also made headlines recently for being voted America’s Pussiest School. Have they ever seen “Animal House”?



2. A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.

3. Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”

4. India has lost contact with its only moon-based satellite. Fortunately, the space agency has a cousin of a cousin who’s working as a busboy on the moon, so he might be able to get in touch. The space agency’s mother-in-law always warned it to have a bigger family of satellites, but the space agency just would not listen.

5. At the U.S. Open tennis tournament, players will not be allowed to use Twitter during matches. What kind of Twitter messages are they going to send? “Tirezgd”, “Still playing tennis”, “Seat 57-G, show me your tits!”