8/20

1. A new study says candles can increase your risk of cancer. So remember, kids, use imitation light-bulb candles when performing Satanic rituals.

2. The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”

3. In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.

4. Mourners at a funeral in Philadelphia spent two hours with a body until the funeral home finally admitted that it was the wrong body. Mourners first became suspicious because as far as they knew, their grandfather wasn’t a six-year-old girl. The only reason the funeral went on was that a certain Aunt Edna kept saying: “I knew he was keeping a secret from me!”

5. Entertainment Weekly magazine is going to publish video ads in its paper edition. Eventually, we’re going to see video ads on paper all the time. Receipts. Money. And people are really going to notice if you walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe.