1. A new study says that nine out of ten bills of U.S. money have cocaine on them. That’s great! So after you use a twenty to snort a line, you can snort the twenty too -- like eating the cone after the ice cream. Plus this will lower inflation, because people will be chopping up so much money.
2. A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”
3. Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.
4. The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.
5. The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.
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