1. In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing their plane, which was carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the samples were on the outside of the plane. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the black box -- samples of girlish screams.
2. Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Breasts are just new basketballs. That’s why we use so many sports analogies for sex -- score, bases, pitching, catching, playing for the other team. And maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.
3. A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.
4. An Australian scientist says his country needs five or six seasons to really explain its climate. As if this is something unique to Australia. He also complains that the English alphabet doesn’t fit all the sounds in Australian English.
5. President Obama is attacking “outrageous myths” about healthcare reform, like the one that says it was created in a volcano by the brother of Zeus.
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