BEST OF THE WEEK

In Saudi Arabia, a man is facing arrest after admitting on TV that he used his Bluetooth to meet women for sex. Millions are calling for his punishment -- not for the sex, but for using Bluetooth. You might ask how he could be so stupid to admit this on TV. But you have to remember that as a Bluetooth user, he doesn’t understand that his words and actions can be noticed by other people.

A recent study says tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. I disagree. Have you ever tried getting a tanning bed into a cup of coffee? My boss caught on right away.

While jogging yesterday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy had a “vasovagal” collapse. This is different from a vaso-vaginal collapse, which would mean Sarkozy had reverted back to his original gender.

A seven-year-old in Utah was caught joyriding and got invited to the Today show. Yeah, that’ll teach him not to joyride again! “Hey, if I do illegal things, I get lots of positive attention!” This is how kids grow up to be serial killers. Actually, what police are really upset about is that the kid was driving while texting.

An escort who says she slept with the prime minister of Italy also says he offered her a seat at the European Parliament. When she noted that all the seats were currently filled, he explained that he meant on the lap of a British minister.

A woman in Georgia was arrested for padding her bra with crystal meth. Apparently in some parts of Georgia, that’s the best way to attract a man.

A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.

Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.

In New Zealand, a swimmer almost drowned when a dolphin wanted to keep playing and prevented her from returning to shore. Parents with young children could easily relate. “No, mommy just wants to return to the couch.”

The Princeton Review says that Penn State University has the “widest use of beer”. My old college had a pretty wide range of uses for beer too -- furniture, weaponry, and (if you strapped enough cans to your body) transportation.

Some experts now say that recommended daily limits for alcohol aren’t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”

China is now looking for “super humans” to be astronauts. It wants people with no birth defects, no family history of illness, not even any bad breath. Basically, it doesn’t want anyone whose family eats food from China.

Scientists say divorced people have a higher chance of health problems even if they remarry. Some think this is due to the stress of divorce, but others believe it’s from the lingering effects of gunshot wounds.

The city of New York is paying homeless people to move back to their hometowns rather than stay in shelters. You know, after losing my job and apartment, I’ve always wanted to move back home to… Cancun. One problem is that a similar program in Chicago keeps sending people to New York City. It’s kind of like homeless musical chairs.

President Obama had a beer with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant James Crowley at the White House today, in order to heal America’s racial problems by drinking the beverage that has fuelled so many of them. There was some tension at first though, when Crowley asked Obama to prove that it was actually his house.

Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman’s perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.

To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.

A housing company in Chicago is suing a former tenant for writing a Twitter tweet about mold in her apartment. The company says no mold was found anywhere in the apartment, and especially not on the dead bodies.