1. You know that woman who just had octuplets? Turns out she already has six kids. Man, those six kids thought they were getting a little brother to push around. Now they’re outnumbered! This is the dream of every youngest child.
2. A woman in Thailand has set a new world record by living for 33 days in a room with 5,000 poisonous scorpions. That’s nothing! I lived on Wall Street for two years surrounded by thousands of soulless sharks. And I survived!
3. President Obama’s half-brother in Kenya has been arrested for marijuana possession. Yeah, half the people at the inauguration could have been arrested for that. Starting with this guy. [Show tape of the preacher rhyming: “Where the red man / can get ahead man.”]
4. Some people have criticized Bruce Springsteen for releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart, since Wal-Mart has been accused of being bad to its workers. But hey, you know, there’s a reason he’s called “The Boss”.
5. The website Google accidentally told its users on Saturday that every other site on the internet was dangerous. Now, they say that it was an accident, but I think it’s just part of their plan. They don’t want people using any other sites but Google, and this was just a test run.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
1/30
1. They’re starting a new parliament in Somalia. At the last parliament, they were supposed to have just 350 officials, but 1,500 showed up, and it cost $11 million. Sounds like my cousin’s wedding. Somalia is like the movie “Mad Max”, but if the real Mel Gibson were in charge.
2. To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why do we need to create a new “bad bank”? Can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
3. Fox has a show now called “Your Questions, Your Money”. Which sounds like it should be Wall Street CEOs answering questions from taxpayers.
4. Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website - not so much in words, but in color scheme.
5. I think Pope Benedict wants to hold Vatican III. Though if we’re going to make roman numeral comparisons, while Vatican II was like a Super Bowl, Vatican III will be more like a Wrestlemania.
2. To save Wall Street, the government wants to create a “bad bank” to buy toxic loans. But why do we need to create a new “bad bank”? Can’t we use one of the many many bad banks we already have?
3. Fox has a show now called “Your Questions, Your Money”. Which sounds like it should be Wall Street CEOs answering questions from taxpayers.
4. Some say that President Obama needs to say more about gay rights. But his support for gay rights is apparent on the White House website - not so much in words, but in color scheme.
5. I think Pope Benedict wants to hold Vatican III. Though if we’re going to make roman numeral comparisons, while Vatican II was like a Super Bowl, Vatican III will be more like a Wrestlemania.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
1/29
1. A recent article about Renee Zellweger's new movie is called “Help, My Face Is Frozen!”, but I thought it was going to be about Zellweger’s Botox treatments.
2. A college thesis by Dick Cheney’s daughter reveals ideas that sound like Cheney used to help with her homework. This is why she never had to take a test -- she would argue that, technically, she was a student in another class.
3. Google keeps finding more and more ways for people to save their e-mails. I find the best way to do that is to read them to my niece and tell her that they’re breakfast cereal jingles. Then she never forgets them.
4. Maybe Wall Street banks keep making such destructive decisions because they’re getting their orders from China. That is who’s giving them their bailout money in the long run, after all.
5. Obama was upset because his daughters’ school in Washington canceled classes because there were two inches of snow! I know, how do they survive in blizzards like that? When I lived in Boulder, Colorado, two inches of snowfall was called a “mild April day”.
2. A college thesis by Dick Cheney’s daughter reveals ideas that sound like Cheney used to help with her homework. This is why she never had to take a test -- she would argue that, technically, she was a student in another class.
3. Google keeps finding more and more ways for people to save their e-mails. I find the best way to do that is to read them to my niece and tell her that they’re breakfast cereal jingles. Then she never forgets them.
4. Maybe Wall Street banks keep making such destructive decisions because they’re getting their orders from China. That is who’s giving them their bailout money in the long run, after all.
5. Obama was upset because his daughters’ school in Washington canceled classes because there were two inches of snow! I know, how do they survive in blizzards like that? When I lived in Boulder, Colorado, two inches of snowfall was called a “mild April day”.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
1/28
A misguided attempt to start writing jokes based on Slate magazine articles:
1. “Like most men my age—I am a decade younger than John Updike”. Which implies that some men John Irving’s age are not a decade younger than Updike. I’d like to meet them. That would be an interesting trick.
2. Frankenstein was one of the original environmental scientists. Not only was his monster literally green, but he was made with recycled materials. And he was animated using renewable energy - lightning. Mad? I don’t think so.
3. Well, this is certainly a change from the Great Depression, when having drinks would have been illegal. Perhaps during the next depression, the president will be inviting congressmen over for some fine British Columbian cannabis.
4. Failure
Some people say we need a United States that can accept failure. But that United States already exists. It’s called England.
5. The reason why they want to hire former investment bankers at the Treasury Department is to help them learn how to burn through those billions of dollars as fast as possible.
1. “Like most men my age—I am a decade younger than John Updike”. Which implies that some men John Irving’s age are not a decade younger than Updike. I’d like to meet them. That would be an interesting trick.
2. Frankenstein was one of the original environmental scientists. Not only was his monster literally green, but he was made with recycled materials. And he was animated using renewable energy - lightning. Mad? I don’t think so.
3. Well, this is certainly a change from the Great Depression, when having drinks would have been illegal. Perhaps during the next depression, the president will be inviting congressmen over for some fine British Columbian cannabis.
4. Failure
Some people say we need a United States that can accept failure. But that United States already exists. It’s called England.
5. The reason why they want to hire former investment bankers at the Treasury Department is to help them learn how to burn through those billions of dollars as fast as possible.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
1/27
A misguided attempt to start writing jokes based on Slate magazine articles:
1. There have been a string of assaults on people in karaoke bars for singing badly. This isn‘t a new phenomenon, though. It’s why Michael Bolton had to get bodyguards after recording the Beatles’ “Yesterday”.
2. Did you hear about this woman who just gave birth to octuplets? That’s eight babies at one time. Some people are asking what is the highest number of babies that can fit inside one woman? Apparently way way way too many. Maybe this is why some people go into false labor - they’re actually gestating 14 babies, and labor is starting before the eggs are even fertilized.
3. Some people are complaining that the new White House website still looks too similar to Bush’s. Well, Obama’s YouTube site still has a big banner urging people to vote Obama/Biden on November 4th. But maybe they’re actually talking about 2012. What planning!
4. I think “rear projection TVs” are called that because they’re a future projection of how large your rear is going to get if you keep watching so much TV.
5. I understand what how those pets feel. My parents had to hold me down to cut my nails when I was going for the world record for longest nails.
1. There have been a string of assaults on people in karaoke bars for singing badly. This isn‘t a new phenomenon, though. It’s why Michael Bolton had to get bodyguards after recording the Beatles’ “Yesterday”.
2. Did you hear about this woman who just gave birth to octuplets? That’s eight babies at one time. Some people are asking what is the highest number of babies that can fit inside one woman? Apparently way way way too many. Maybe this is why some people go into false labor - they’re actually gestating 14 babies, and labor is starting before the eggs are even fertilized.
3. Some people are complaining that the new White House website still looks too similar to Bush’s. Well, Obama’s YouTube site still has a big banner urging people to vote Obama/Biden on November 4th. But maybe they’re actually talking about 2012. What planning!
4. I think “rear projection TVs” are called that because they’re a future projection of how large your rear is going to get if you keep watching so much TV.
5. I understand what how those pets feel. My parents had to hold me down to cut my nails when I was going for the world record for longest nails.
Monday, January 26, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
At the signing ceremony in the Capitol after the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and all she said was: “You have such a distinctive signature!” I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Obama’s signature is admittedly an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.
What happened with that messed-up oath of office at the inauguration? Don’t they practice these things? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts had actually read the Constitution.
Former French president Jacque Chirac apparently gave former president Bush a sculpture of a horse. It makes more sense when you realize it was a sculpture of the horse from behind.
This weekend, an 11-year-old boy in Mexico is planning to become the youngest bullfighter to ever kill six bulls in one day. And in related news, his parents were recently arrested for LETTING THEIR 11-YEAR-OLD SON FIGHT BULLS! I have spent a lot of time with 11-year-olds and… well, okay, maybe the bulls should be scared.
Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”
Some people are saying that Apple should become a bank, but if it did, it probably wouldn’t let you transfer money from any other bank.
These days, it’s very easy for me to replicate my favorite restaurant dish at home. Step 1: Pour water into a glass. Step Two: Drink water while watching video of someone else eating. Step Three: Put a ketchup bottle in my pocket and leave the room.
On inauguration night, it was reported that people were especially drunk at the Arizona State Society ball, because they booked it before the election, and now they’re using it for a wake.
Most people think that the Frost in the movie “Frost/Nixon” refers to interviewer David Frost. But it actually means that if you play the movie backwards, you learn that Nixon was cryogenically frozen. He will return when America faces its darkest hour.
I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to kill everyone there! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.
What happened with that messed-up oath of office at the inauguration? Don’t they practice these things? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts had actually read the Constitution.
Former French president Jacque Chirac apparently gave former president Bush a sculpture of a horse. It makes more sense when you realize it was a sculpture of the horse from behind.
This weekend, an 11-year-old boy in Mexico is planning to become the youngest bullfighter to ever kill six bulls in one day. And in related news, his parents were recently arrested for LETTING THEIR 11-YEAR-OLD SON FIGHT BULLS! I have spent a lot of time with 11-year-olds and… well, okay, maybe the bulls should be scared.
Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”
Some people are saying that Apple should become a bank, but if it did, it probably wouldn’t let you transfer money from any other bank.
These days, it’s very easy for me to replicate my favorite restaurant dish at home. Step 1: Pour water into a glass. Step Two: Drink water while watching video of someone else eating. Step Three: Put a ketchup bottle in my pocket and leave the room.
On inauguration night, it was reported that people were especially drunk at the Arizona State Society ball, because they booked it before the election, and now they’re using it for a wake.
Most people think that the Frost in the movie “Frost/Nixon” refers to interviewer David Frost. But it actually means that if you play the movie backwards, you learn that Nixon was cryogenically frozen. He will return when America faces its darkest hour.
I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to kill everyone there! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.
1/26
1. Did you hear that the music by Yo Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman at the inauguration was prerecorded? Maybe they should have done that with the oath of office too.
2. I’m into belly buttons, so according to Freud, I stopped maturing in the womb. Fetishes can be great, because otherwise, people would be much more disappointed with their partners’ attractiveness. You may look like a dead penguin, but if you’re willing to wear handcuffs, voila! You’re Jessica Alba.
3. Former French president Jacque Chirac apparently gave former president Bush a sculpture of a horse. It makes more sense when you realize it was a sculpture of the horse from behind.
4. Here’s the answer to Guantanamo Bay - you could house the worst prisoners in a depressed town, and hire all the locals as guards.
5. Obama is delivering his weekly chats on YouTube? Now he’ll be buffeted and buffered.
2. I’m into belly buttons, so according to Freud, I stopped maturing in the womb. Fetishes can be great, because otherwise, people would be much more disappointed with their partners’ attractiveness. You may look like a dead penguin, but if you’re willing to wear handcuffs, voila! You’re Jessica Alba.
3. Former French president Jacque Chirac apparently gave former president Bush a sculpture of a horse. It makes more sense when you realize it was a sculpture of the horse from behind.
4. Here’s the answer to Guantanamo Bay - you could house the worst prisoners in a depressed town, and hire all the locals as guards.
5. Obama is delivering his weekly chats on YouTube? Now he’ll be buffeted and buffered.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
1/24
1. This weekend, an 11-year-old boy in Mexico is planning to become the youngest bullfighter to ever kill six bulls in one day. And in related news, his parents were recently arrested for LETTING THEIR 11-YEAR-OLD SON FIGHT BULLS! I have spent a lot of time with 11-year-olds and… well, okay, maybe the bulls should be scared.
2. Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”
3. Some people are concerned about the rise in foreclosures and companies going out of business. They say that we are turning into a nation of quitters. Fortunately, most people who quit drugs, like cigarettes or money, soon have a relapse.
4. Kim Jong Il’s eldest son says he doesn’t feel any desire to take power in North Korea. Well, neither did his father, but when he found out it was the only way to keep his wave pool, then he jumped on board.
5. If Obama really wants to follow Lincoln’s model of government, he should say there is no price or number of deaths too high if it advances the power of the federal government.
2. Psychologists say that if you give something to a child, you should always call it “big” or “special”, and then they’ll believe you no matter how big or special it actually is. This is why I always say very loudly to my girlfriend, “I am spending an enormous amount of time on foreplay!”
3. Some people are concerned about the rise in foreclosures and companies going out of business. They say that we are turning into a nation of quitters. Fortunately, most people who quit drugs, like cigarettes or money, soon have a relapse.
4. Kim Jong Il’s eldest son says he doesn’t feel any desire to take power in North Korea. Well, neither did his father, but when he found out it was the only way to keep his wave pool, then he jumped on board.
5. If Obama really wants to follow Lincoln’s model of government, he should say there is no price or number of deaths too high if it advances the power of the federal government.
Friday, January 23, 2009
1/23
A misguided attempt to start writing jokes based on Slate magazine articles:
1. If Apple became a bank, it probably wouldn’t let you transfer money from any other bank. And Steve Jobs would probably get rid of ATMs because he thinks they’re ugly.
2. Rosenbaum, the author, also wrote a book called “Explaining Hitler”. Now this article explains Billy Joel. Seems like a bit of an anticlimax after Hitler. Maybe his next book will be “Explaining People Who Use Bluetooth”.
3. In Saudi Arabia, there’s a special camp that tries to reform terrorists. The terrorists get to watch movies, eat good food, and play video games. Yeah, they probably like playing Grand Theft Auto, since it lets them learn the layout of New York City.
4. Did you know the Liberty Mutual insurance company sponsors an award for firefighters? Probably because firefighters reduce the amount of money they have to pay. “Yay! They saved the house! Now we don’t have to pay to rebuild it!”
5. I give money to homeless people unless they have a dog, because anyone with the ability to maintain a well-trained dog has the ability to get a job.
1. If Apple became a bank, it probably wouldn’t let you transfer money from any other bank. And Steve Jobs would probably get rid of ATMs because he thinks they’re ugly.
2. Rosenbaum, the author, also wrote a book called “Explaining Hitler”. Now this article explains Billy Joel. Seems like a bit of an anticlimax after Hitler. Maybe his next book will be “Explaining People Who Use Bluetooth”.
3. In Saudi Arabia, there’s a special camp that tries to reform terrorists. The terrorists get to watch movies, eat good food, and play video games. Yeah, they probably like playing Grand Theft Auto, since it lets them learn the layout of New York City.
4. Did you know the Liberty Mutual insurance company sponsors an award for firefighters? Probably because firefighters reduce the amount of money they have to pay. “Yay! They saved the house! Now we don’t have to pay to rebuild it!”
5. I give money to homeless people unless they have a dog, because anyone with the ability to maintain a well-trained dog has the ability to get a job.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
1/22
A misguided attempt to start writing jokes based on Slate magazine articles:
1. If you play the movie “Frost/Nixon” backwards, it contains the message that Nixon was cryogenically frozen. He will return when America faces its darkest hour.
2. Studios nominate actors in categories they’ll have a better chance of winning? That’s why Eddie Murphy is being nominated for Best Key Grip. He has demanded an Oscar, and this is the only way.
3. It makes sense that the Bush administration would consider talking to reporters to be anti-American, since that’s how they felt about it among themselves.
4. During Bush, the White House couldn’t access some sites because they were considered offensive? Maybe that’s why he had no idea what the left was thinking.
5. The White House press briefing room is about the size of a suburban garage? Depending on which suburb you’re from, that could be larger than the White House itself.
1. If you play the movie “Frost/Nixon” backwards, it contains the message that Nixon was cryogenically frozen. He will return when America faces its darkest hour.
2. Studios nominate actors in categories they’ll have a better chance of winning? That’s why Eddie Murphy is being nominated for Best Key Grip. He has demanded an Oscar, and this is the only way.
3. It makes sense that the Bush administration would consider talking to reporters to be anti-American, since that’s how they felt about it among themselves.
4. During Bush, the White House couldn’t access some sites because they were considered offensive? Maybe that’s why he had no idea what the left was thinking.
5. The White House press briefing room is about the size of a suburban garage? Depending on which suburb you’re from, that could be larger than the White House itself.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
1/21
A misguided attempt to start writing jokes based on Slate magazine articles:
1. These days, it’s very easy for me to replicate my favorite restaurant dish at home. Step 1: Pour water into a glass. Step Two: Drink water while watching video of someone else eating. Step Three: Put a ketchup bottle in my pocket and leave the room.
2. This photography book by Frank was much more popular than his first one, “America Obscured by Left Thumb”.
3. Obama is actually the 44th individual to be president, because Grover Cleveland was replaced by an alien double in 1890. This is who became the 24th president.
4. The reason everyone was so drunk at the Arizona State Society ball is that they booked it before the election, and now they’re using it for a wake.
5. I like the campaigns by food companies that say for every lid/wrapper/box I mail in, they will donate money to a cause. But they already know that I bought their product. So instead of contributing from the money that I paid, now I have to perform this completely useless task (though admittedly, it does keep postal workers off the streets - or on the streets - you know what I mean).
1. These days, it’s very easy for me to replicate my favorite restaurant dish at home. Step 1: Pour water into a glass. Step Two: Drink water while watching video of someone else eating. Step Three: Put a ketchup bottle in my pocket and leave the room.
2. This photography book by Frank was much more popular than his first one, “America Obscured by Left Thumb”.
3. Obama is actually the 44th individual to be president, because Grover Cleveland was replaced by an alien double in 1890. This is who became the 24th president.
4. The reason everyone was so drunk at the Arizona State Society ball is that they booked it before the election, and now they’re using it for a wake.
5. I like the campaigns by food companies that say for every lid/wrapper/box I mail in, they will donate money to a cause. But they already know that I bought their product. So instead of contributing from the money that I paid, now I have to perform this completely useless task (though admittedly, it does keep postal workers off the streets - or on the streets - you know what I mean).
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1/20
1. At the signing ceremony in the Capitol after the Oath of Office, Senator Diane Feinstein was standing next to Obama and this is the only thing she said. [Show clip of Feinstein saying: “You have such a distinctive signature!”] I guess she got tired of saying: “Oh, you speak so well!” Obama’s signature is admittedly an improvement on Bush, who usually used fingerpaint.
2. And of course, the Dow Jones plummeted today, because, well, does anyone even know anymore? I think they’re just having a tantrum. They can’t have their party, so we can’t have ours either. Maybe they’re angry because they didn’t get tickets to the inauguration.
3. So what happened with the oath at the inauguration? Can we see that? [Show clip.] Don’t they practice these things beforehand? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts actually read the Constitution. I like how eventually Obama stops even repeating after Roberts. He’s like: “Hey, you get your stuff together and then we’ll keep going.”
4. I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to KILL EVERYONE THERE! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.
5. IBM reported a big growth in profits. Why? Well, IBM is also called Big Blue, and with a Democrat in the White House, blue is now the color of choice.
2. And of course, the Dow Jones plummeted today, because, well, does anyone even know anymore? I think they’re just having a tantrum. They can’t have their party, so we can’t have ours either. Maybe they’re angry because they didn’t get tickets to the inauguration.
3. So what happened with the oath at the inauguration? Can we see that? [Show clip.] Don’t they practice these things beforehand? Maybe it was the first time Chief Justice Roberts actually read the Constitution. I like how eventually Obama stops even repeating after Roberts. He’s like: “Hey, you get your stuff together and then we’ll keep going.”
4. I notice pundits keep saying that older civil rights leaders are the Moses generation, because they brought us to the edge of the Promised Land, but Obama is the Joshua generation, because he brings us into the Promised Land. But I think these people haven’t read the Bible, because when Joshua enters the Promised Land, he proceeds to KILL EVERYONE THERE! This is not going to help Republicans stop being afraid of Obama. That’s the problem with using the Bible. There’s always some weird murder or incest story buried in there.
5. IBM reported a big growth in profits. Why? Well, IBM is also called Big Blue, and with a Democrat in the White House, blue is now the color of choice.
Monday, January 19, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
The plane that crashed into the Hudson River was hit by geese, and some people are asking how geese could be so stupid to fly into an airliner. But you have to remember, these are the geese that were too stupid to fly south for the winter. What are they still doing in New York? Goose TV is interviewing their relatives in Florida saying: “Yeah, we all kind of thought this would happen to Bob. Ever since he accidentally tied his neck in a knot.”
An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River has decided (this is true) that the plane… hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching… then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.
Citigroup, one of the largest banks in the world, is going to split into two different companies. One company will focus on what has become Citigroup’s main business in recent years, and the other will focus on safe logical investments.
Circuit City has announced that it will change its name to “Short Circuit” City.
Boy George has been jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his apartment. So, it’s okay to truthfully imprison someone? “Hey, we’re going to imprison you now. We’re not lying about it. These are actually handcuffs.”
A new study says hallucinations are more common in people who drink more than seven cups of coffee a day. But you know, maybe they’re seeing hallucinations because they’re not sleeping! They also said they sensed the presence of dead people. No, after seven cups of coffee, I think they’re just sensing the presence of ordinary people. They only seem dead because they aren’t freaking out on caffeine.
An Australian man in Thailand has been sentenced to three years in prison for ‘insulting’ the king. Upon hearing the news, President Bush announced plans to move to Thailand. “Now that’s more like it!”
Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s wife said she was glad he was going to be vice president instead of secretary of state, because he wouldn’t have to travel so much. Has she done much research about vice presidents? Before Cheney, their main job was going to foreign funerals. The only reason Cheney didn’t go to many funerals is because he was so often involved in the deaths.
A new study says that stressed people are more likely to develop dementia. But maybe they’re stressed out because they have dementia.
An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River has decided (this is true) that the plane… hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching… then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.
Citigroup, one of the largest banks in the world, is going to split into two different companies. One company will focus on what has become Citigroup’s main business in recent years, and the other will focus on safe logical investments.
Circuit City has announced that it will change its name to “Short Circuit” City.
Boy George has been jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his apartment. So, it’s okay to truthfully imprison someone? “Hey, we’re going to imprison you now. We’re not lying about it. These are actually handcuffs.”
A new study says hallucinations are more common in people who drink more than seven cups of coffee a day. But you know, maybe they’re seeing hallucinations because they’re not sleeping! They also said they sensed the presence of dead people. No, after seven cups of coffee, I think they’re just sensing the presence of ordinary people. They only seem dead because they aren’t freaking out on caffeine.
An Australian man in Thailand has been sentenced to three years in prison for ‘insulting’ the king. Upon hearing the news, President Bush announced plans to move to Thailand. “Now that’s more like it!”
Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s wife said she was glad he was going to be vice president instead of secretary of state, because he wouldn’t have to travel so much. Has she done much research about vice presidents? Before Cheney, their main job was going to foreign funerals. The only reason Cheney didn’t go to many funerals is because he was so often involved in the deaths.
A new study says that stressed people are more likely to develop dementia. But maybe they’re stressed out because they have dementia.
1/19
1. An Australian man in Thailand has been sentenced to three years in prison for ‘insulting’ the king. Upon hearing the news, President Bush announced plans to move to Thailand. “Now that’s more like it!”
2. Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s wife said she was glad he was going to be vice president instead of secretary of state, because he wouldn’t have to travel so much. Has she done much research about vice presidents? Before Cheney, their main job was going to foreign funerals. The only reason Cheney didn’t go to many funerals is because he was so often involved in the deaths.
3. A new study says that stressed people are more likely to develop dementia. But maybe they’re stressed out because they have dementia.
4. A video making the rounds on the internet shows a car driving around Lebanon with a cow in the back seat. The cow’s head was out the window, because the seats were made from leather. For a cow, that’s like traveling in a moving graveyard.
5. President Bush has only granted 189 pardons during his eight years in office, as opposed to 450 by Clinton and 406 by Reagan. To the end, Bush doesn’t like saying “pardon”.
2. Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s wife said she was glad he was going to be vice president instead of secretary of state, because he wouldn’t have to travel so much. Has she done much research about vice presidents? Before Cheney, their main job was going to foreign funerals. The only reason Cheney didn’t go to many funerals is because he was so often involved in the deaths.
3. A new study says that stressed people are more likely to develop dementia. But maybe they’re stressed out because they have dementia.
4. A video making the rounds on the internet shows a car driving around Lebanon with a cow in the back seat. The cow’s head was out the window, because the seats were made from leather. For a cow, that’s like traveling in a moving graveyard.
5. President Bush has only granted 189 pardons during his eight years in office, as opposed to 450 by Clinton and 406 by Reagan. To the end, Bush doesn’t like saying “pardon”.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
1/18
1. The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush is now seeking asylum in Switzerland. I suppose it makes sense that he would go to the land of the cuckoo clock. He says he can’t work as a journalist in Iraq anymore, because shoe-throwing is generally seen as a bit of breach of journalistic ethics. His lawyer said that in Switzerland, he could work as a journalist at the United Nations. Is he aware that the UN is in New York? Which is in… America? Does he think things are going to go better for him here?
2. A new study says that most users of cell phones are just confused by all the new features that they have. Which is why there’s a lot more swearing in phone calls these days. “What the, why won’t this, oh fucking hell!” (elderly voice) “Bob?” “Oh. (pause) Grandma. Did I just call you? Did you hear that?”
3. An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River last week has decided - that the plane hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching, (pause) then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.
4. Some scientists say that despite global warming, the Earth may not get much warmer over the next decade, because we’re entering a natural cooling period. Mother Nature? More like Abusive Husband Nature. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry for those hurricanes! I’ll be good for the next ten years, I promise!” Yeah, right. We’re not trusting you anymore!
5. There have been several news reports that Barack Obama has given a speech in which he is “hopeful” that the U.S. will overcome its current challenges. That’s not really news. News would be if Obama said: “You know what? Fuck it. This country’s screwed. Grab what you can and move to Canada. They‘ve got room.”
2. A new study says that most users of cell phones are just confused by all the new features that they have. Which is why there’s a lot more swearing in phone calls these days. “What the, why won’t this, oh fucking hell!” (elderly voice) “Bob?” “Oh. (pause) Grandma. Did I just call you? Did you hear that?”
3. An official investigation into the plane crash in the Hudson River last week has decided - that the plane hit birds. It came to this difficult conclusion after both pilots said they saw birds approaching, (pause) then heard them hit the plane. Yeah, I think I could have figured that one out. Next, the investigation will officially confirm that yes, the plane did, in fact, crash.
4. Some scientists say that despite global warming, the Earth may not get much warmer over the next decade, because we’re entering a natural cooling period. Mother Nature? More like Abusive Husband Nature. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry for those hurricanes! I’ll be good for the next ten years, I promise!” Yeah, right. We’re not trusting you anymore!
5. There have been several news reports that Barack Obama has given a speech in which he is “hopeful” that the U.S. will overcome its current challenges. That’s not really news. News would be if Obama said: “You know what? Fuck it. This country’s screwed. Grab what you can and move to Canada. They‘ve got room.”
Friday, January 16, 2009
1/16
1. The plane that crashed into the Hudson River was hit by geese, and some people are asking how geese could be so stupid to fly into an airliner. But you have to remember, these are the geese that were too stupid to fly south for the winter. What are they still doing in New York? Goose TV is interviewing their relatives in Florida saying: “Yeah, we all kind of thought this would happen to Bob. Ever since he accidentally tied his neck in a knot.”
2. Citigroup, one of the largest banks in the world, is going to split into two different companies. One company will focus on what has become Citigroup’s main business in recent years, and the other will focus on safe logical investments.
3. Circuit City has announced that it will change its name to “Short Circuit” City.
4. Boy George has been jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his apartment. So, it’s okay to truthfully imprison someone? “Hey, we’re going to imprison you now. We’re not lying about it. These are actually handcuffs.”
5. The upper Midwest is having its coldest weather in years. They’re pleading for Obama to come there and just smile. That should raise the temperature by at least 30 degrees.
2. Citigroup, one of the largest banks in the world, is going to split into two different companies. One company will focus on what has become Citigroup’s main business in recent years, and the other will focus on safe logical investments.
3. Circuit City has announced that it will change its name to “Short Circuit” City.
4. Boy George has been jailed for falsely imprisoning a male escort in his apartment. So, it’s okay to truthfully imprison someone? “Hey, we’re going to imprison you now. We’re not lying about it. These are actually handcuffs.”
5. The upper Midwest is having its coldest weather in years. They’re pleading for Obama to come there and just smile. That should raise the temperature by at least 30 degrees.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
1/15
1. Hillary Clinton has now been endorsed by the Senate to be secretary of state. She said she wants to use “smart power” to negotiate with other countries. Wow, that’s quite a change from Bush!
2. Nancy Pelosi says that the latest economic stimulus is designed to give “the biggest bang for the buck”. Which means your money is now going to actually explode, instead of just metaphorically explode. However, the stimulus doesn’t have everything Obama wanted. For example, there will be no message of hope added to every package of ramen noodles. “Don’t worry! Someday you won’t have to eat this!”
3. Patrick Swayze, who is undergoing treatment for cancer, says that his secret weapon is his wife Lisa. Apparently, her skin contains a chemical that is very good for fighting cancer, so he had her killed and turned into pills.
4. Obama’s new presidential limo is being nicknamed “The Beast”. Now doesn’t that help balance out the whole hope thing? The limo has a completely sealed interior to protect against chemical attacks. Its tires can keep going even when they’re flat. And most intimidating of all, it can shoot out a full-size Hillary Clinton.
5. So Google has finally been hit by the recession and will lay off people working on its less-successful projects. Unlike its search engine and e-mail, other offerings are much less popular, like “Google Frying Pan”, which lets you cook breakfast on your keyboard. Or “Google Random Fun”, which erases your hard drive if you press a secret combination of keys. That one’s also known as “Windows”.
2. Nancy Pelosi says that the latest economic stimulus is designed to give “the biggest bang for the buck”. Which means your money is now going to actually explode, instead of just metaphorically explode. However, the stimulus doesn’t have everything Obama wanted. For example, there will be no message of hope added to every package of ramen noodles. “Don’t worry! Someday you won’t have to eat this!”
3. Patrick Swayze, who is undergoing treatment for cancer, says that his secret weapon is his wife Lisa. Apparently, her skin contains a chemical that is very good for fighting cancer, so he had her killed and turned into pills.
4. Obama’s new presidential limo is being nicknamed “The Beast”. Now doesn’t that help balance out the whole hope thing? The limo has a completely sealed interior to protect against chemical attacks. Its tires can keep going even when they’re flat. And most intimidating of all, it can shoot out a full-size Hillary Clinton.
5. So Google has finally been hit by the recession and will lay off people working on its less-successful projects. Unlike its search engine and e-mail, other offerings are much less popular, like “Google Frying Pan”, which lets you cook breakfast on your keyboard. Or “Google Random Fun”, which erases your hard drive if you press a secret combination of keys. That one’s also known as “Windows”.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
1/14
1. A new study says hallucinations are more common in people who drink more than seven cups of coffee a day. But you know, maybe they’re seeing hallucinations because they’re not sleeping! They also said they sensed the presence of dead people. No, after seven cups of coffee, I think they’re just sensing the presence of ordinary people. They only seem dead because they aren’t freaking out on caffeine.
2. Did you hear about this businessman who faked his own death in a plane crash to escape all his debts to clients? Now if he doesn’t have the guts to do it on his own, plenty of his clients would probably have been willing to do it for him.
3. And Steve Jobs has now proved wrong the old adage that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
4. The U.S. trade deficit shrunk to its lowest level in five years, which means that more money is staying in the country. Unfortunately, that’s just because no one is buying anything.
5. The star of the cult TV series “The Prisoner”, Patrick McGoohan, has died. So now “number six” refers to how many feet underground.
2. Did you hear about this businessman who faked his own death in a plane crash to escape all his debts to clients? Now if he doesn’t have the guts to do it on his own, plenty of his clients would probably have been willing to do it for him.
3. And Steve Jobs has now proved wrong the old adage that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
4. The U.S. trade deficit shrunk to its lowest level in five years, which means that more money is staying in the country. Unfortunately, that’s just because no one is buying anything.
5. The star of the cult TV series “The Prisoner”, Patrick McGoohan, has died. So now “number six” refers to how many feet underground.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Did you hear about this 107-year-old woman in China looking for her first husband? Yeah, she says she’s tired of being a burden on her nieces and nephews, since they’re all, you know, dead. She’s also worried about hot flashes, or as some people call it, cremation. Apparently some 90-year-old guy proposed to her, but she said no, because she didn’t want to be a cougar.
A new study says that people with a ring finger longer than their index finger do better on Wall Street. But I would have thought the most important finger on Wall Street would be the one you give to the American people.
Good news! The percentage of overweight Americans has gone down. The bad news -- most of them have just graduated to being officially obese.
Did you hear about this couple that got married yesterday in a Taco Bell? Don’t you think that’s kind of early to be testing the ‘sickness and health’ part?
Scientists have now discovered that mosquitoes coordinate their buzzing when they’re mating. Which just makes mosquitoes buzzing in my ears even more disturbing.
Did you hear about this skier in Colorado whose pants got caught on a chair lift, and he ended up hanging naked off the chair? He was hanging there for seven minutes, which doesn’t seem long until you realize what he was hanging from.
White House press secretary Dana Perino says the Bushes have already started packing. She said they didn’t bring many things, so it’s really just books and items from their travels. Which means packing should take about five minutes.
Citibank has reached an agreement with senators on renegotiating mortgages, and you’ll be happy to know, the senators will be able to keep their houses.
A new study says that people with a ring finger longer than their index finger do better on Wall Street. But I would have thought the most important finger on Wall Street would be the one you give to the American people.
Good news! The percentage of overweight Americans has gone down. The bad news -- most of them have just graduated to being officially obese.
Did you hear about this couple that got married yesterday in a Taco Bell? Don’t you think that’s kind of early to be testing the ‘sickness and health’ part?
Scientists have now discovered that mosquitoes coordinate their buzzing when they’re mating. Which just makes mosquitoes buzzing in my ears even more disturbing.
Did you hear about this skier in Colorado whose pants got caught on a chair lift, and he ended up hanging naked off the chair? He was hanging there for seven minutes, which doesn’t seem long until you realize what he was hanging from.
White House press secretary Dana Perino says the Bushes have already started packing. She said they didn’t bring many things, so it’s really just books and items from their travels. Which means packing should take about five minutes.
Citibank has reached an agreement with senators on renegotiating mortgages, and you’ll be happy to know, the senators will be able to keep their houses.
1/13
1. A new study says that people with a ring finger longer than their index finger do better on Wall Street. But I would have thought the most important finger on Wall Street would be the one you give to the American people.
2. A gorgeous tropical island in Australia is looking for a caretaker and it’s taking applications from around the world. No formal qualifications are required, but! But! Applicants must be willing to swim, snorkel, scuba dive, and sail! Oh my god, the horror! Well, as long as I don’t have to rub suntan lotion on any beautiful women, I might be able to put up with it.
3. Did you hear about this guy in California who tried to sell his underage daughter’s hand in marriage? This is true. The groom offered beer, meat, and Gatorade. Which will be helpful when the guy is on the run from the police. But what really sealed the deal apparently, was tickets to the Obama inauguration.
4. The government has come out with a list of the 25 worst security problems for software companies. Number one on the list, Joey Wormer of Seattle [show picture of very goofy looking janitor]. Don’t hire this man! Not only will he compromise your security, but he also faxes pictures of his body parts.
5. Have you heard how members of the British royal family are being criticized for using racial nicknames with friends and colleagues? Yeah, I hear Barack Obama is planning a press conference, right after a party with the Washington Redskins.
2. A gorgeous tropical island in Australia is looking for a caretaker and it’s taking applications from around the world. No formal qualifications are required, but! But! Applicants must be willing to swim, snorkel, scuba dive, and sail! Oh my god, the horror! Well, as long as I don’t have to rub suntan lotion on any beautiful women, I might be able to put up with it.
3. Did you hear about this guy in California who tried to sell his underage daughter’s hand in marriage? This is true. The groom offered beer, meat, and Gatorade. Which will be helpful when the guy is on the run from the police. But what really sealed the deal apparently, was tickets to the Obama inauguration.
4. The government has come out with a list of the 25 worst security problems for software companies. Number one on the list, Joey Wormer of Seattle [show picture of very goofy looking janitor]. Don’t hire this man! Not only will he compromise your security, but he also faxes pictures of his body parts.
5. Have you heard how members of the British royal family are being criticized for using racial nicknames with friends and colleagues? Yeah, I hear Barack Obama is planning a press conference, right after a party with the Washington Redskins.
Monday, January 12, 2009
1/12
1. A 107-year-old woman in China is now looking for her first husband. She said she feels that she’s becoming a burden on her nieces and nephews. Especially since they’re all dead. She also said: “What will happen if I don’t hurry up?” Well, for one thing, you might not be able to have kids. She’s getting pretty close to that age when women have “hot flashes”, by which I mean “cremation”. A 90-year-old man apparently showed some interest, but she turned him down because she didn’t want to be a cougar.
2. Good news! The percentage of overweight Americans has gone down. The bad news -- most of them have just graduated to being officially obese.
3. A woman in London is advertising for wedding guests, because most of her family are too far away to come. She’s looking for “decent” guests, by which she means “fully clothed”. So she had to turn down Matthew McConaughey.
4. Congressman Barney Frank says that for the next $350 billion of the Wall Street bailout, the rules should be written into law. Wow, what a radical! The rule of law! Haven’t heard that one for awhile. Do you know, if you pronounce “law” backwards, you get “Wall”. Sort of how people used to say if you played heavy metal songs backwards there were Satanic messages.
5. So many people want to use Microsoft’s new software that they can’t meet the demand. Well, that’s a change of pace. Usually, they just force us to use things we don’t even want. “No, please, we‘ve had enough.”
2. Good news! The percentage of overweight Americans has gone down. The bad news -- most of them have just graduated to being officially obese.
3. A woman in London is advertising for wedding guests, because most of her family are too far away to come. She’s looking for “decent” guests, by which she means “fully clothed”. So she had to turn down Matthew McConaughey.
4. Congressman Barney Frank says that for the next $350 billion of the Wall Street bailout, the rules should be written into law. Wow, what a radical! The rule of law! Haven’t heard that one for awhile. Do you know, if you pronounce “law” backwards, you get “Wall”. Sort of how people used to say if you played heavy metal songs backwards there were Satanic messages.
5. So many people want to use Microsoft’s new software that they can’t meet the demand. Well, that’s a change of pace. Usually, they just force us to use things we don’t even want. “No, please, we‘ve had enough.”
Sunday, January 11, 2009
1/11
1. Did you hear about this couple that got married yesterday in a Taco Bell? Don’t you think that’s kind of early to be testing the ‘sickness and health’ part?
2. Kate Winslet won two Golden Globes last night - one for each on her chest.
3. A new study says that doing two searches on Google creates the same carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle. But what if you’re searching for ways to reduce carbon dioxide? Doesn’t that balance it out?
4. In New York, after many protests, a restaurant freed a 140-year-old lobster from its display tank. To put it in perspective, the lobster was only slightly younger than Dick Clark. Unfortunately, after they released it, the lobster just died there on the street. They didn’t really think the whole thing through.
5. An inventor says he will travel by flying car from London to Timbuktu. He picked Timbuktu, because that’s as far as you need to go these days for good news about the auto industry.
2. Kate Winslet won two Golden Globes last night - one for each on her chest.
3. A new study says that doing two searches on Google creates the same carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle. But what if you’re searching for ways to reduce carbon dioxide? Doesn’t that balance it out?
4. In New York, after many protests, a restaurant freed a 140-year-old lobster from its display tank. To put it in perspective, the lobster was only slightly younger than Dick Clark. Unfortunately, after they released it, the lobster just died there on the street. They didn’t really think the whole thing through.
5. An inventor says he will travel by flying car from London to Timbuktu. He picked Timbuktu, because that’s as far as you need to go these days for good news about the auto industry.
Friday, January 9, 2009
1/9
1. Barack Obama is going to be featured in a Spider-Man comic book. But considering what some people are expecting from him, I’m surprised he isn’t getting his own comic book. As if he was bitten by a radioactive policy memo. [put fingers to temples and stare hard] “The economy will be strong again! Bam!”
2. A rare venomous mammal in the Dominican Republic has been taken alive for the first time. Of course, the last venomous mammal to be taken alive was a speckled paparazzi in Malibu. In Hollywood, venomous mammals aren’t actually very rare.
3. In nine states, the cost of government health care for people who get laid-off is higher than the money they get from unemployment. So at least they won’t die, because the hospitals will take them when they start starving.
4. A kidnapped girl was recently found through a Google search. That’s why Britney Spears keeps coming up on Google searches - people just think she’s been kidnapped.
5. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has finally been impeached. Really, it hasn’t happened yet? I thought this was all done. I’ve moved on to the latest Lindsay Lohan story.
2. A rare venomous mammal in the Dominican Republic has been taken alive for the first time. Of course, the last venomous mammal to be taken alive was a speckled paparazzi in Malibu. In Hollywood, venomous mammals aren’t actually very rare.
3. In nine states, the cost of government health care for people who get laid-off is higher than the money they get from unemployment. So at least they won’t die, because the hospitals will take them when they start starving.
4. A kidnapped girl was recently found through a Google search. That’s why Britney Spears keeps coming up on Google searches - people just think she’s been kidnapped.
5. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has finally been impeached. Really, it hasn’t happened yet? I thought this was all done. I’ve moved on to the latest Lindsay Lohan story.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
1/8
1. Scientists have now discovered that mosquitoes coordinate their buzzing when they’re mating. Which just makes mosquitoes buzzing in my ears even more disturbing.
2. Citibank has reached an agreement with senators on renegotiating mortgages, and you’ll be happy to know, the senators will be able to keep their houses.
3. Continental Airlines has now flown the first passenger jet partially fueled by algae, which is a renewable fuel, because they get it from old airline meals. And last February, there was a flight partially fueled by coconuts, which was originally developed by the professor on Gilligan’s Island.
4. Russia is cutting gas supplies to Europe over a dispute on prices. Luckily, Russian gas comes nestled inside other gas, so there‘s still plenty.
5. Major floods have stopped traffic on highways in Washington DC. Most of the flooding is coming from all the BS flowing out of government buildings.
2. Citibank has reached an agreement with senators on renegotiating mortgages, and you’ll be happy to know, the senators will be able to keep their houses.
3. Continental Airlines has now flown the first passenger jet partially fueled by algae, which is a renewable fuel, because they get it from old airline meals. And last February, there was a flight partially fueled by coconuts, which was originally developed by the professor on Gilligan’s Island.
4. Russia is cutting gas supplies to Europe over a dispute on prices. Luckily, Russian gas comes nestled inside other gas, so there‘s still plenty.
5. Major floods have stopped traffic on highways in Washington DC. Most of the flooding is coming from all the BS flowing out of government buildings.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
1/7
1. Did you hear about this skier in Colorado whose pants got caught on a chair lift, and he ended up hanging naked off the chair? He was hanging there for seven minutes, which doesn’t seem long, until you realize what he was hanging from.
2. White House press secretary Dana Perino says the Bushes have already started packing. She said they didn’t bring many things, so it’s really just books and items from their travels. Which means packing should take about five minutes.
3. Joe the Plumber is going to become a war correspondent in Israel. How is that going to go? [thick Yiddish accent] “So who the hell are you? What are your credentials? You’re a plumber? That’s nice. Meet my son, the doctor.”
4. Mississippi now has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Meaning yet another generation will have no idea how to spell ‘Mississippi’.
5. Israel has now agreed on the “principles” of a ceasefire. Doesn’t everyone agree to the principles of a ceasefire?
2. White House press secretary Dana Perino says the Bushes have already started packing. She said they didn’t bring many things, so it’s really just books and items from their travels. Which means packing should take about five minutes.
3. Joe the Plumber is going to become a war correspondent in Israel. How is that going to go? [thick Yiddish accent] “So who the hell are you? What are your credentials? You’re a plumber? That’s nice. Meet my son, the doctor.”
4. Mississippi now has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country. Meaning yet another generation will have no idea how to spell ‘Mississippi’.
5. Israel has now agreed on the “principles” of a ceasefire. Doesn’t everyone agree to the principles of a ceasefire?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Yesterday, a court awarded $240,000 to a man who was forced to cover up his Arabic t-shirt on an airplane. And today, airports were flooded with Wall Street bankers in Arabic t-shirts. “I’ll cover it up for just $50,000!”
Yesterday in New Jersey, some deer broke into an elementary school and trashed a supply room. Yes, New Jersey -- where even Bambi is a felon. Luckily, the kids were able to handle it, since most of them were armed.
Well, it’s New Year’s Eve, which means thousands of people will be gathering in Times Square to watch the stock market drop.
President Bush has now created the largest protected ocean area in the world. In fact, Bush has protected more ocean than any other president. Mostly because he’s also created so much more ocean through global warming.
The Obama family is now staying at the Hay-Adams Hotel in Washington, which overlooks the White House. That makes sense, because until Obama gets in, a lot of people are overlooking the White House.
An analyst in Russia says the United States will split into six different regions ruled by different countries. Like the West will go to China, and the Northeast will go to the European Union. Man, what an idiot! Everyone knows the whole country is going to China!
Heather Locklear was sentenced to three years of “informal probation” after being found guilty of reckless driving. What is “informal” probation? Does that mean you can wear jeans? Is it better than “business casual” probation?
There was an outbreak of violence in Somalia this week after the president resigned. Of course, there would have been an outbreak of violence anyway, but at least this gives us a timeline.
Yesterday in New Jersey, some deer broke into an elementary school and trashed a supply room. Yes, New Jersey -- where even Bambi is a felon. Luckily, the kids were able to handle it, since most of them were armed.
Well, it’s New Year’s Eve, which means thousands of people will be gathering in Times Square to watch the stock market drop.
President Bush has now created the largest protected ocean area in the world. In fact, Bush has protected more ocean than any other president. Mostly because he’s also created so much more ocean through global warming.
The Obama family is now staying at the Hay-Adams Hotel in Washington, which overlooks the White House. That makes sense, because until Obama gets in, a lot of people are overlooking the White House.
An analyst in Russia says the United States will split into six different regions ruled by different countries. Like the West will go to China, and the Northeast will go to the European Union. Man, what an idiot! Everyone knows the whole country is going to China!
Heather Locklear was sentenced to three years of “informal probation” after being found guilty of reckless driving. What is “informal” probation? Does that mean you can wear jeans? Is it better than “business casual” probation?
There was an outbreak of violence in Somalia this week after the president resigned. Of course, there would have been an outbreak of violence anyway, but at least this gives us a timeline.
1/6
1. Yesterday in New Jersey, some deer broke into an elementary school and trashed a supply room. Yes, New Jersey - where even Bambi is a felon. Luckily, the kids were able to handle it, since most of them were armed.
2. Yesterday, a court awarded $240,000 to a man who was forced to cover up his Arabic t-shirt on an airplane. And today, airports were flooded with Wall Street bankers in Arabic t-shirts. “I’ll cover it up for just $50,000!”
3. Did you hear about these six-year-old kids in Germany who were trying to go to Africa to get married? They got caught while waiting for the train. That would never happen in New York, because by the time the train arrived, the children would be old enough to marry legally.
4. Yesterday, a six-year-old boy in Virginia missed his bus to school, so instead, he decided to drive his mom’s car. He ran off the road several times before hitting an embankment. Now that kid should get “Student of the Year”. If I ever missed the bus when I was a kid, hey, no school for me! But this six-year-old - “I must get my education!” Mark my words, in twenty years, this kid is going to be the next software mogul. Or a reality TV star.
5. In Nigeria, a new motorcycle helmet law is running into trouble, because motorcycle taxi passengers say drivers use helmets to cast spells on them. And I can believe them, because many taxi drivers in the U.S. cast “umbrella spells” on passengers. “You will leave your umbrella behiiinnd.”
2. Yesterday, a court awarded $240,000 to a man who was forced to cover up his Arabic t-shirt on an airplane. And today, airports were flooded with Wall Street bankers in Arabic t-shirts. “I’ll cover it up for just $50,000!”
3. Did you hear about these six-year-old kids in Germany who were trying to go to Africa to get married? They got caught while waiting for the train. That would never happen in New York, because by the time the train arrived, the children would be old enough to marry legally.
4. Yesterday, a six-year-old boy in Virginia missed his bus to school, so instead, he decided to drive his mom’s car. He ran off the road several times before hitting an embankment. Now that kid should get “Student of the Year”. If I ever missed the bus when I was a kid, hey, no school for me! But this six-year-old - “I must get my education!” Mark my words, in twenty years, this kid is going to be the next software mogul. Or a reality TV star.
5. In Nigeria, a new motorcycle helmet law is running into trouble, because motorcycle taxi passengers say drivers use helmets to cast spells on them. And I can believe them, because many taxi drivers in the U.S. cast “umbrella spells” on passengers. “You will leave your umbrella behiiinnd.”
Monday, January 5, 2009
1/5
1. There was an outbreak of violence in Somalia this week after the president resigned. Of course, there would have been an outbreak of violence anyway, but at least this gives us a timeline.
2. You know Bernie Madoff, the Wall Street banker who conned investors out of $50 billion? Yesterday, his sons told prosecutors that he sent them jewelry in violation of court orders. His sons. Man, things change when you’re not getting an inheritance anymore, huh?
3. President Bush has now created the largest protected ocean area in the world. In fact, Bush has protected more ocean than any other president. Mostly because he’s also created so much more ocean through global warming.
4. In Minnesota, Al Franken has been declared the winner of the Senate race. His opponent, Norm Coleman has already been offered a job at Saturday Night Live.
5. The new US embassy in Iraq is the largest and most expensive ever. Can we get a picture of it? [Show a picture of the embassy superimposed over the entire map of Iraq.] This is how we’re going to withdraw and not withdraw at the same time. “Oh, we’ll just stay at the new embassy.”
2. You know Bernie Madoff, the Wall Street banker who conned investors out of $50 billion? Yesterday, his sons told prosecutors that he sent them jewelry in violation of court orders. His sons. Man, things change when you’re not getting an inheritance anymore, huh?
3. President Bush has now created the largest protected ocean area in the world. In fact, Bush has protected more ocean than any other president. Mostly because he’s also created so much more ocean through global warming.
4. In Minnesota, Al Franken has been declared the winner of the Senate race. His opponent, Norm Coleman has already been offered a job at Saturday Night Live.
5. The new US embassy in Iraq is the largest and most expensive ever. Can we get a picture of it? [Show a picture of the embassy superimposed over the entire map of Iraq.] This is how we’re going to withdraw and not withdraw at the same time. “Oh, we’ll just stay at the new embassy.”
Sunday, January 4, 2009
1/4
1. I saw this headline today: “Man challenges gangs with basketball.” I thought that was a great idea, but personally, I’d rather use a gun. Then I found out that the basketball was 50-caliber. Which is a trick I hear Oklahoma City’s NBA team is thinking about. “Maybe we can win if we use military weapons.” Oklahoma City’s team is called the Thunder, because of the echo in the empty arena. And considering they’re from Oklahoma, Tornadoes would have been inappropriate. But it’s much better than the other name they were thinking of: the Oklahoma City Detroit Lions.
2. Did you hear about this guy in Connecticut who bought two lottery tickets the same day that he died of a heart attack, and one of them won $10 million? Talk about life insurance. And this is true, the widow said that she might use the money to go to a casino. I think you’re pushing your luck a little there. Are you going to kill someone in your family before you go? Is this your new strategy?
3. The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is underway, though it doesn’t quite have the pizzazz of previous years. For example, the most popular new gadget this year is the family-size Sony Electric Tent.
4. Gyms are working hard to get new members in hard economic times. They say that the best way to burn calories is to run from house to house trying to get people to sign up for the gym. People just don’t have the money to contribute to gyms that they won’t go to. For most people, buying a gym membership is like giving to charity.
5. Today, the Obama family moved to Washington. They’re staying at the Hay-Adams Hotel for now, which overlooks the White House. That makes sense, because until Obama gets in, a lot of people are overlooking the White House.
2. Did you hear about this guy in Connecticut who bought two lottery tickets the same day that he died of a heart attack, and one of them won $10 million? Talk about life insurance. And this is true, the widow said that she might use the money to go to a casino. I think you’re pushing your luck a little there. Are you going to kill someone in your family before you go? Is this your new strategy?
3. The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is underway, though it doesn’t quite have the pizzazz of previous years. For example, the most popular new gadget this year is the family-size Sony Electric Tent.
4. Gyms are working hard to get new members in hard economic times. They say that the best way to burn calories is to run from house to house trying to get people to sign up for the gym. People just don’t have the money to contribute to gyms that they won’t go to. For most people, buying a gym membership is like giving to charity.
5. Today, the Obama family moved to Washington. They’re staying at the Hay-Adams Hotel for now, which overlooks the White House. That makes sense, because until Obama gets in, a lot of people are overlooking the White House.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
1/3
1. Have you heard of this analyst in Russia who says the United States will split into six different regions taken over by different countries? Like the West will go to China, and the Northeast will go to the European Union. Man, what an idiot! Everyone knows the whole country is going to China!
2. Heather Locklear was sentenced to three years of “informal probation” after being found guilty of reckless driving. What is “informal” probation? Does that mean you can wear jeans? Is it better than “business casual” probation?
3. Did you know the unmanned rovers on Mars are still rolling around after five years? They are showing some signs of wear and tear, though. Kind of like when my Uncle Jimmy drove his Range Rover for three hours around a parking garage. That’s why the Mars rovers are unmanned.
4. A spokesman for President Bush said yesterday that the lunch on Wednesday between Bush and Barack Obama will be “historic”, since it will be the first time as president that Bush has had lunch with a Democrat.
5. In a recent poll in Russia, Josef Stalin was voted the third-best Russian of all time, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually Russian. Which makes me feel better about Americans when I watch “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” Now if Stalin was third-best, what the hell did the other 300 million Russians of all time do? I am never going to Russia.
2. Heather Locklear was sentenced to three years of “informal probation” after being found guilty of reckless driving. What is “informal” probation? Does that mean you can wear jeans? Is it better than “business casual” probation?
3. Did you know the unmanned rovers on Mars are still rolling around after five years? They are showing some signs of wear and tear, though. Kind of like when my Uncle Jimmy drove his Range Rover for three hours around a parking garage. That’s why the Mars rovers are unmanned.
4. A spokesman for President Bush said yesterday that the lunch on Wednesday between Bush and Barack Obama will be “historic”, since it will be the first time as president that Bush has had lunch with a Democrat.
5. In a recent poll in Russia, Josef Stalin was voted the third-best Russian of all time, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually Russian. Which makes me feel better about Americans when I watch “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” Now if Stalin was third-best, what the hell did the other 300 million Russians of all time do? I am never going to Russia.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
1/1
1. A baby was born on an airline flight to the U.S. last night, and one of the doctors who helped deliver it said: “… people vacated their seats. The spirit of America is alive.” How far have we fallen, that people giving up their seats for a woman in labor, is seen as: “Oh, America is still such a giving place!”
2. Claiborne Pell, the senator behind the government college tuition grants, has died. And it’s coincided exactly with the death of the money to pay for the program too.
3. A new study shows that virginity pledges are not enough to keep young women from having sex. Well, they certainly don’t work with seven-year-old boys. “Ooo, cooties!” So the chastity belt is making a comeback.
4. Two sons have found their dad’s submarine 65 years after it sunk. In fact, it was right where they’d left it - in the bathtub.
5. A reclusive man in England apparently kept cars worth millions of dollars in his garage until the day he died. Kind of like General Motors’ warehouse of electric cars.
2. Claiborne Pell, the senator behind the government college tuition grants, has died. And it’s coincided exactly with the death of the money to pay for the program too.
3. A new study shows that virginity pledges are not enough to keep young women from having sex. Well, they certainly don’t work with seven-year-old boys. “Ooo, cooties!” So the chastity belt is making a comeback.
4. Two sons have found their dad’s submarine 65 years after it sunk. In fact, it was right where they’d left it - in the bathtub.
5. A reclusive man in England apparently kept cars worth millions of dollars in his garage until the day he died. Kind of like General Motors’ warehouse of electric cars.
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