1. The New York Sun, a newspaper in New York City, closed today. Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the newspaper “smart, thoughtful, provocative, and I wish I’d read it some time.”
2. The stock market had a huge rebound today after yesterday’s record sell-off. In fact, the stock market has been through so many ups and downs that it’s being renamed in honor of Amy Winehouse.
3. When a shark grabbed a dog belonging to a man in Florida, he jumped in and punched the shark until it let go. That’s the risk of masturbating around pets. They can get tangled up in there. You have to punch the shark until your pet can get free.
4. A top former member of the CIA has admitted in court that he gave government contracts to one of his friends. And the guy’s last name is Foggo. Now, come on, let’s cut him some slack. With a last name like that, what other field could he have gone into?
5. A member of the Russian army is being sent to Siberia after making rap videos that complain about his barracks in western Russia. In the video, he asks why he never got a response to his previous complaints. Well, be careful what you wish for.
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