9/9

1. So in Europe, they’re going to start up this giant atom collider and some people are worried that it will cause a black hole that will destroy the world. But that’s not the biggest threat to create a black hole. That’s Apple computers with their new iPods. They are compressing matter to dangerously small levels.

2. I saw this headline: “Hidden heart harm of fatty foods.” Really? Hidden? And I thought fatty foods were fine for your heart! This isn’t news.

3. A government minister in the Congo freed a bunch of goats that had been thrown in prison. I’m not using “goat” to mean, like, old people - I mean actual goats. The goats were, this is true, awaiting trial. Anti-goat activists were calling it a baaaad deal. The minister said that there has to be a clear separation between goat and state.

4. North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Il was missing at his country’s big military parade yesterday, causing speculation that he may not just be Il, but ill too. I wonder if he caught a disease from fucking his country up the ass?

5. An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”