1. This weekend, the last two big investment banks on Wall Street changed to commercial banks, so now [happy voice] regular people can open accounts there! Wonderful! Show of hands, how many people here want to do that? Do they think people are reading the news, going: “Oh yeah, give me a piece of that! Now these are the people who should have my money!” And hey, what about that $700 billion we just gave you? Wasn’t that enough? The least you could do is give us all toasters.
2. So this $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street is going to be completely run by the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson. $700 billion of taxpayer money in the hands of a single man who didn‘t earn it. You know what they call that in Washington? Lunch.
3. The price of oil had it’s biggest one-day price jump ever today. Great, I was hoping for that $700 billion maybe I’d get a free tank of gas. After getting screwed, I like to at least get a ride home.
4. A new study shows that sexist men earn a lot more money than non-sexist men. So when I went into my boss’s office today for a raise, I said: “These damn women today want too much! It should be a man‘s world!” I didn’t get the raise, though, because my boss is a woman. That part wasn’t in the study.
5. Scientists have discovered that smelling roses while you’re asleep can inspire happier dreams. That explains why married women don’t get much sleep.
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