BEST OF THE WEEK

You know Nigerian scam letters? Where somebody claims to have a gajillion dollars and will give you some if you help them? Well, this is true, I got a Nigerian scam letter today saying that a special commission has been set up to pay victims of Nigerian scam letters! It blew my mind! It was like the sound of one hand clapping. The Nigerian scam letter has gone post-modern. This scam letter is going on and on about how people who write scam letters are horrible… so please send us money. It kind of sounds like John McCain. “Those damn Republicans! Let’s show those Republicans in Washington by… voting Republican!” Actually, these days the Republicans kind of remind me of a Nigerian scam letter: promise everything, deliver nothing, and do it with bad grammar.

Scientists have now found a planet that circles a star similar to our sun. It’s eight times the size of Jupiter, or roughly half the size of a dinner special at the Olive Garden.

President Bush delayed a speech about the economy after the government took over the giant insurance company AIG. Ironically, that’s about what the president was going to say. “Hey, I, gee…”

Today, Sarah Palin was asked for specific details about how she would cut the budget. She said that first they could fire some of the White House gardeners, because she could take care of shooting the gophers.

The House of Representatives passed a bill last night making it easier to do offshore oil drilling. The bill was delayed, though, because as they were signing it, one of the pens broke and ink leaked all over it.

George Takei, who played Sulu on the original Star Trek, got married yesterday to his male partner. However, we didn’t get the name of his partner, so tragically, like most unnamed characters in Star Trek, he was almost immediately eaten by an alien.

More men are getting anorexia, and a big problem is that they’re embarrassed about having a ’women’s disease’. So the BBC is having a documentary called (true): “Revealed… Manorexia”. Yeah, that’s going to make men more comfortable. What’s next? Bro-limia?

A new study says that sharing a bed with a woman can make men less intelligent. So now men have an even better excuse for going off to the living room to play video games. “I’m so sorry, but I have a big meeting tomorrow.”

There are now a record number of people in Japan over the age of 100, although the United States has the highest total in the world. Researchers said that the long Japanese lifespans are based on nutritious diets and a good health care system. So why does the United States have so many?

General Petraeus said today that because of the complexity of the Iraq War, he would never be comfortable using the word “victory” there. Well, now we know one thing for sure -- he’s not going to be running for office.

Bill Clinton said he’ll do whatever he’s asked by Barack Obama. He then rented a house in Antarctica until the election is over.