BEST OF THE WEEK

Congressman Charles Rangel of New York City says that he didn’t report the money he got from renting out his vacation house because whenever he tried to get information from his managers, they would, and I quote, “start speaking Spanish”. Yeah, Spanish -- a rare language only spoken by HALF OF THE HOUSEHOLDS IN HIS DISTRICT! “These guys are speaking Spanish! If only there was someone in New York City who could translate for me. If they were speaking Swahili, maybe! But Spanish?”

In Africa, a rare animal related to the giraffe has been spotted for the first time in nearly 50 years. Another creature recently spotted for the first time ever -- Republicans outraged about sexist remarks.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says that of all the presidential nominees, Sarah Palin is the one he’s most afraid of, because she’s the only one that might beat him at arm wrestling.

Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.

Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.

Sony is going to recall 440,000 laptops because they could overheat. Apparently the laptops were all being used in the office of the mayor of Detroit.

Today, investigators said that several officials in the government department for oil and mining have been taking bribes, illegal drugs, and sexual favors from companies. One-third of the Denver office was accused. One third! You know what they call that in Alaska? Amateurs. And apparently, this is true, their excuse was that they had to socialize with oil and mining companies to get “market intelligence”. What is this, the Cold War? “Oh, well, sure we were taking drugs and getting laid, but we didn’t want any of it! We were sacrificing for our country.”

White House press secretary Dana Perino said yesterday that President Bush would have liked to capture Osama bin Laden, but that government authorities didn’t have “super powers”. Great, during Bush’s term, we’ve gone from being the world’s only superpower to not having any at all. Well, Mr. President, from watching Republicans campaign for office this year, you do seem to have the power to disappear.

An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”

Yesterday during a campaign visit, Sarah Palin stopped into a Chinese restaurant, and Fox News quickly touted it as another example of her foreign policy experience.

Australia just elected its first female governor. As they say at the Republican National Convention -- a day late and a dollar short.

A heroin-addicted elephant is now going home after doing rehab in China. At least he won’t forget his 12 steps. His owners fed him heroin-spiked bananas to keep him under control. It was a technique first perfected with Russell Crowe.