1. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says that of all the presidential nominees, Sarah Palin is the one he’s most afraid of, because she’s the only one that might beat him at arm wrestling.
2. A teenager in Arkansas had his jaw broken by a fish yesterday. Luckily, vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin was campaigning nearby, dove into the lake, and killed the fish with her bare hands.
3. Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.
4. Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.
5. The government took over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac yesterday, thereby creating the biggest news story in two years that we can’t write any jokes about. No one understands what these companies do. How can you write jokes about that? Now, I know they’ve been together for a long time, like that old married couple down the street taking care of way too many cats. Maybe it’s time to break them up.
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