1. Football player Terrell Owens now has a cereal named after him, because his initials “T.O.” are the same as “Toasted Oats”. It’s like how Brett Favre became a symbol for NFL fans of getting “Butt Fucked”.
2. A seven-year-old in Utah was caught joyriding and has now appeared on the Today show. Yeah, that’ll teach him not to joyride again! “Hey, if I do illegal things, I get lots of positive attention!” This is how kids grow up to be serial killers and suicide bombers. Actually, what police are really upset about is that the kid was texting while driving.
3. A tiger from a magic show was found in a Las Vegas backyard. Something tells me this wasn’t one of the more skilled magic shows. That show is also why Vegas is now infested with rabbits and white doves. The owners of the house weren’t particularly surprised by the tiger. In Vegas backyards, people find dead bodies, Andre Agassi… tigers aren’t a big deal.
4. An escort who says she slept with the prime minister of Italy also says he offered her a seat at the European Parliament. When she noted that all the seats were currently filled, he explained that he meant on the lap of a British minister.
5. This summer, Fairbanks, Alaska has almost been as warm as New York City. It’s believed to be from the extra body heat of reporters covering Sarah Palin. They’ve nearly doubled the state’s population.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
7/30
1. President Obama had a beer with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant James Crowley at the White House today, in order to heal America’s racial problems while drinking the beverage that has fuelled so many of them. There was some tension at first though, when Crowley asked Obama to prove that it was actually his house.
2. Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman's perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.
3. To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.
4. President Obama is going to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people, including Senator Ted Kennedy, Billie Jean King, and the inventors of ketchup packets and Gideon Bibles.
5. A stick-in-the-mud school in India banned “dangerous” events after a motorcyclist rode over the fingers of students. You’d think the parents would be outraged, but they’re the ones who came up with the idea! “I want some stranger to ride a motorcycle over my kid’s fingers, damn it! What do I pay taxes for if you won’t do that?!” And in the United States, school parents are freaking out over peanuts. They must hate us when we call with our pansy-ass computer problems. “I can’t find my on switch!” “Yes, you stupid weak American. My son’s teacher throws live cobras at him.”
2. Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman's perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.
3. To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.
4. President Obama is going to award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people, including Senator Ted Kennedy, Billie Jean King, and the inventors of ketchup packets and Gideon Bibles.
5. A stick-in-the-mud school in India banned “dangerous” events after a motorcyclist rode over the fingers of students. You’d think the parents would be outraged, but they’re the ones who came up with the idea! “I want some stranger to ride a motorcycle over my kid’s fingers, damn it! What do I pay taxes for if you won’t do that?!” And in the United States, school parents are freaking out over peanuts. They must hate us when we call with our pansy-ass computer problems. “I can’t find my on switch!” “Yes, you stupid weak American. My son’s teacher throws live cobras at him.”
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
7/29
1. The city of New York is paying homeless people to move back to their hometowns rather than stay in shelters. You know, after losing my job and apartment, I’ve always wanted to move back home to… Cancun. One problem is that a similar program in Chicago keeps sending people to New York City. It’s kind of like homeless musical chairs.
2. A recent study says tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. I disagree. Have you ever tried to get a tanning bed into a cup of coffee? My boss caught on right away.
3. A housing company in Chicago is suing a former tenant for writing a Twitter tweet about mold in her apartment. The company says no mold was found anywhere in the apartment, and especially not on the dead bodies.
4. The new swine flu vaccine doesn’t use actual viruses, but swine flu proteins. Many volunteers to test the vaccine are pro athletes looking for even more ways to stuff protein into their bodies.
5. To mark the anniversary of the moon landing, a group in England sent a block of cheese into the upper atmosphere. It’s the greatest height reached by any cheese since the Space Shuttle brought a recording of Richard Simmons.
2. A recent study says tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. I disagree. Have you ever tried to get a tanning bed into a cup of coffee? My boss caught on right away.
3. A housing company in Chicago is suing a former tenant for writing a Twitter tweet about mold in her apartment. The company says no mold was found anywhere in the apartment, and especially not on the dead bodies.
4. The new swine flu vaccine doesn’t use actual viruses, but swine flu proteins. Many volunteers to test the vaccine are pro athletes looking for even more ways to stuff protein into their bodies.
5. To mark the anniversary of the moon landing, a group in England sent a block of cheese into the upper atmosphere. It’s the greatest height reached by any cheese since the Space Shuttle brought a recording of Richard Simmons.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
7/28
1. Scientists say divorced people have a higher chance of health problems even if they remarry. Some think this is due to the stress of divorce, but others believe it’s from the lingering effects of gunshot wounds.
2. A new study says tanning sunbeds can cause cancer. Not surprisingly, a representative from the Sunbed Association tried to disagree, but had problems when she opened her mouth and her leathery face cracked completely open.
3. Conservative Democrats known as “blue dogs” are holding up healthcare legislation. As their name suggests, they’re worried that the new legislation might not insure their favorite pastime of choking dogs.
4. A woman in New Jersey started selling apple cakes to pay off her mortgage and is now very successful. Of course, being New Jersey, the cakes are particularly popular with local politicians, since they’re hollow inside.
5. A woman in a bikini carjacked a driver in Mississippi. The bikini-clad carjacker later explained that the driver had misinterpreted why she was waving the gun -- she just didn’t have anywhere to put it.
2. A new study says tanning sunbeds can cause cancer. Not surprisingly, a representative from the Sunbed Association tried to disagree, but had problems when she opened her mouth and her leathery face cracked completely open.
3. Conservative Democrats known as “blue dogs” are holding up healthcare legislation. As their name suggests, they’re worried that the new legislation might not insure their favorite pastime of choking dogs.
4. A woman in New Jersey started selling apple cakes to pay off her mortgage and is now very successful. Of course, being New Jersey, the cakes are particularly popular with local politicians, since they’re hollow inside.
5. A woman in a bikini carjacked a driver in Mississippi. The bikini-clad carjacker later explained that the driver had misinterpreted why she was waving the gun -- she just didn’t have anywhere to put it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
7/27
1. In Saudi Arabia, a man is facing arrest after admitting on TV that he used his Bluetooth to meet women for sex. Millions are clamoring for his punishment -- not for the sex, but for using Bluetooth. You might ask how he could be so stupid to admit this on TV. But you have to remember that as a Bluetooth user, he doesn’t understand that his words and actions can be noticed by other people.
2. While jogging yesterday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy had what is called a vasovagal collapse. This is different from a vaso-vaginal collapse, which would mean Sarkozy had reverted back to his original gender.
3. In New Zealand, a swimmer almost drowned when a dolphin wanted to keep playing and prevented her from returning to shore. Parents with young children could easily relate. “No, mommy just wants to return to the couch.”
4. The Princeton Review says that Penn State University has the “widest use of beer”. My old college had a pretty wide range of uses for beer too -- furniture, weaponry, and (if you strapped enough cans to your body) transportation.
5. Scientists have developed a replacement for barcodes that can store enormous amounts of information. For example, grocery shoppers could get detailed nutritional info on their cell phones, giving Americans yet another high-tech way to ignore their health.
2. While jogging yesterday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy had what is called a vasovagal collapse. This is different from a vaso-vaginal collapse, which would mean Sarkozy had reverted back to his original gender.
3. In New Zealand, a swimmer almost drowned when a dolphin wanted to keep playing and prevented her from returning to shore. Parents with young children could easily relate. “No, mommy just wants to return to the couch.”
4. The Princeton Review says that Penn State University has the “widest use of beer”. My old college had a pretty wide range of uses for beer too -- furniture, weaponry, and (if you strapped enough cans to your body) transportation.
5. Scientists have developed a replacement for barcodes that can store enormous amounts of information. For example, grocery shoppers could get detailed nutritional info on their cell phones, giving Americans yet another high-tech way to ignore their health.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Five rabbis in New Jersey and New York have been arrested for selling kidneys on the black market. That explains why the contribution box at my local synagogue always smelled like urine. I thought it was just homeless guys pissing in it. No word on whether the rabbis kept the kidney stones to make rings. “Oh, yes ma’am, that’s a very rare… yellow diamond.” One thing you can say about Catholic priests -- they never took your kidney. Maybe your kid, but not your kidney.
A Chinese man taking a bicycle vacation through Somalia has been deported from the country. The official reason? Stupidity. “We may have pirates and terrorists, but at least they’re not total idiots.” But why are they going after this guy instead of the pirates and terrorists? That’s like getting kicked off a major league baseball team for using aspirin.
Some scientists want to stop the growth of the Sahara Desert by pumping massive amounts of bacteria into the ground, which will solidify the sand and make it completely unmovable. Similar to what happens to your bowels after eating Taco Bell.
A new report says the Department of Energy is wasting enormous amounts of energy. It’s the biggest scandal since the Department of the Interior turned out to have horrible wallpaper. And since all the staff at the Department of Indian Affairs turned out to be faithfully married.
For a few days, scientists have been studying a blotch that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the blotch had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.
The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
A New York man has recreated the recipe of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He even quit his job to focus on it, saying that he wanted to spend time doing what he loves and being with his kids. Those seem like conflicting goals, since considering what he loves is fried chicken, he’s probably not going to be around for his kids very long.
Did you know that 12-year-olds can apparently legally hunt by themselves in 21 states? So don’t go hiking wearing a hoodie. “Oh my god, it’s Voldemort! Shoot!”
Kim Jong Il is especially enjoying today’s solar eclipse in Asia, because it’s the only time he can go out during the day without bursting into flames.
A man from Long Island has been charged with attacking a military base in Afghanistan. American soldiers realized the man was from Long Island when after the attack, he mooned them, yelled “Wanna see a lunar eclipse?”, then pulled his pants back up.
A new study says toucans have huge bills to release excess body heat. The study said it’s similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.
Inmates at a prison in Italy are putting on a major performance of “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.
There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants a vice president who has proven that he can strengthen Ahmadinejad’s reputation with the Iranian people -- Dick Cheney.
In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.
Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.
Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?
A Chinese man taking a bicycle vacation through Somalia has been deported from the country. The official reason? Stupidity. “We may have pirates and terrorists, but at least they’re not total idiots.” But why are they going after this guy instead of the pirates and terrorists? That’s like getting kicked off a major league baseball team for using aspirin.
Some scientists want to stop the growth of the Sahara Desert by pumping massive amounts of bacteria into the ground, which will solidify the sand and make it completely unmovable. Similar to what happens to your bowels after eating Taco Bell.
A new report says the Department of Energy is wasting enormous amounts of energy. It’s the biggest scandal since the Department of the Interior turned out to have horrible wallpaper. And since all the staff at the Department of Indian Affairs turned out to be faithfully married.
For a few days, scientists have been studying a blotch that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the blotch had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.
The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
A New York man has recreated the recipe of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He even quit his job to focus on it, saying that he wanted to spend time doing what he loves and being with his kids. Those seem like conflicting goals, since considering what he loves is fried chicken, he’s probably not going to be around for his kids very long.
Did you know that 12-year-olds can apparently legally hunt by themselves in 21 states? So don’t go hiking wearing a hoodie. “Oh my god, it’s Voldemort! Shoot!”
Kim Jong Il is especially enjoying today’s solar eclipse in Asia, because it’s the only time he can go out during the day without bursting into flames.
A man from Long Island has been charged with attacking a military base in Afghanistan. American soldiers realized the man was from Long Island when after the attack, he mooned them, yelled “Wanna see a lunar eclipse?”, then pulled his pants back up.
A new study says toucans have huge bills to release excess body heat. The study said it’s similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.
Inmates at a prison in Italy are putting on a major performance of “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.
There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants a vice president who has proven that he can strengthen Ahmadinejad’s reputation with the Iranian people -- Dick Cheney.
In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.
Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.
Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?
Saturday, July 25, 2009
7/25
1. A new report says the Department of Energy is wasting enormous amounts of energy. It’s the biggest scandal since the Department of the Interior turned out to have horrible wallpaper. And since all the staff at the Department of Indian Affairs turned out to be faithfully married.
2. For a few days, scientists have been studying a scar that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the scar had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.
3. In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.
4. Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.
5. Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?
2. For a few days, scientists have been studying a scar that suddenly appeared on the face of Jupiter. However, today Jupiter was wearing a headband where the scar had been, even though Jupiter normally never wears headbands. In other news, Clearasil reported an anonymous order for 300 billion gallons of acne medicine.
3. In England, a functional two-story house is going to be built entirely out of Legos. The best part is that if the Lego bankers ever foreclose, their hands won’t be able to hold the papers.
4. Someone left a land mine in a Denver Goodwill donation box. However, the person soon reclaimed the land mine, saying that he had actually meant to leave it in a nearby Badwill donation box.
5. Scientists unveiled a power system that can electrically charge a device without any cords, which might mean the end of power outlets. But where else will I be able to look at a surprised ghost face when I need a quick smile?
Friday, July 24, 2009
7/24
1. Some scientists want to stop the growth of the Sahara Desert by pumping massive amounts of bacteria into the ground, which will solidify the sand and make it completely unmovable. Similar to what happens in your bowels after eating Taco Bell.
2. President Obama has invited Harvard professor Henry Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House to talk about their differences. And next week, Obama will have me and my neighbor come over to talk about lawn-mowing protocol.
3. There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
4. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants the one person who has most strengthened his reputation with the Iranian people, so he’s going to appoint Dick Cheney.
5. The government is going to pay people to give up their gas-guzzling cars and buy new greener ones. However, the old car has to be “drivable”, which unfortunately makes most young Hollywood actors ineligible.
2. President Obama has invited Harvard professor Henry Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House to talk about their differences. And next week, Obama will have me and my neighbor come over to talk about lawn-mowing protocol.
3. There’s a popular video on YouTube where an entire wedding party dances down the aisle to the song “Forever” by Chris Brown. Great idea, but do you really want to start your marriage with Chris Brown?
4. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has fired his vice president. Instead, he wants the one person who has most strengthened his reputation with the Iranian people, so he’s going to appoint Dick Cheney.
5. The government is going to pay people to give up their gas-guzzling cars and buy new greener ones. However, the old car has to be “drivable”, which unfortunately makes most young Hollywood actors ineligible.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
7/23
1. Five rabbis in New Jersey and New York have been arrested for selling kidneys on the black market. That explains why the contribution box at my local synagogue always smelled like urine. I thought it was just homeless guys pissing in it. No word yet on whether the rabbis kept the kidney stones to make rings. “Oh, yes ma’am, that’s a very rare… yellow diamond.” One thing you can say about Catholic priests -- they never took your kidney. Maybe your kid, but not your kidney.
Three mayors and two assemblymen in New Jersey were also arrested, leading one political scientist to say this was “going to just reinforce the stereotype of New Jersey politics and corruption.” Actually, it’s not technically a stereotype if it’s true. Like that whole "burning crosses" thing just “reinforced the stereotype” of the KKK as racists. At a certain point, it’s just what you are.
2. A new study says toucans have huge bills to release heat and cool down. The study said it's similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.
3. A museum in the Netherlands has returned the head of a king taken 170 years ago. Do Dutch people normally take heads? That sounds more like something from a museum in Sicily.
4. The inmates at a prison in Italy are going to perform “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.
5. Volkswagen is going to take over Porsche. That makes sense. The Porsche 911 always kind of looked like a stretched-out VW Beetle.
Three mayors and two assemblymen in New Jersey were also arrested, leading one political scientist to say this was “going to just reinforce the stereotype of New Jersey politics and corruption.” Actually, it’s not technically a stereotype if it’s true. Like that whole "burning crosses" thing just “reinforced the stereotype” of the KKK as racists. At a certain point, it’s just what you are.
2. A new study says toucans have huge bills to release heat and cool down. The study said it's similar to how elephants and rabbits use their ears. Maybe that’s how Obama stays so calm and cool.
3. A museum in the Netherlands has returned the head of a king taken 170 years ago. Do Dutch people normally take heads? That sounds more like something from a museum in Sicily.
4. The inmates at a prison in Italy are going to perform “Alice in Wonderland”. Something tells me whoever plays Alice isn’t going to take many showers with the other inmates for awhile.
5. Volkswagen is going to take over Porsche. That makes sense. The Porsche 911 always kind of looked like a stretched-out VW Beetle.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
7/22
1. A group of scientists says that an artificial brain is 10 years away, devastating the family of Jessica Simpson.
2. The Taco Bell chihuahua died today at the age of 15. Which makes her the longest-ever survivor of eating Taco Bell.
3. A man from Long Island has been charged with attacking a military base in Afghanistan. American soldiers realized the man was from Long Island when after the attack, he mooned them, yelled “Wanna see a lunar eclipse?”, then pulled his pants back up.
4. The director of the Spider-Man movies has now agreed to film a movie based on the internet game World of Warcraft. After that, he plans a movie about asthma inhalers and virginity.
5. A company is looking for volunteers to test a swine flu vaccine. Imagine dying for that. That would be like dying to test a vaccine for earwax.
2. The Taco Bell chihuahua died today at the age of 15. Which makes her the longest-ever survivor of eating Taco Bell.
3. A man from Long Island has been charged with attacking a military base in Afghanistan. American soldiers realized the man was from Long Island when after the attack, he mooned them, yelled “Wanna see a lunar eclipse?”, then pulled his pants back up.
4. The director of the Spider-Man movies has now agreed to film a movie based on the internet game World of Warcraft. After that, he plans a movie about asthma inhalers and virginity.
5. A company is looking for volunteers to test a swine flu vaccine. Imagine dying for that. That would be like dying to test a vaccine for earwax.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
7/21
1. A man in New York has recreated the recipe of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He left his job at the bank JPMorgan to focus on this, because the fried chicken is healthier than any of the bank’s financial advice. He says that he quit to spend time doing what he loves (true). And to be with his kids, because considering that what he loves is fried chicken, he’s probably not going to be around very long. He also says that by giving out the KFC recipe, he’s helping people in tough economic times, so they don’t have to spend so much money on… Kentucky Fried Chicken?
2. Tasers are causing controversy again, because yesterday a man hit by a Taser caught on fire. But, this is true, he was also carrying a can of gasoline and a lighter. You know, maybe it was just the lighter and the gasoline. I’ve heard those things sometimes cause fires too.
3. Did you know that 12-year-olds can apparently legally hunt by themselves in 21 states? So don’t go hiking wearing a hoodie. “Oh my god, it’s Voldemort! Shoot!”
4. Kim Jong Il is especially enjoying today’s solar eclipse in Asia, because it’s the only time he can go out during the day without bursting into flames.
5. The ex-president of India was frisked by staff of Continental Airlines, and the Indian Civil Aviation Minister said this was “beyond the scope of the laws of our country”. Really? You obviously don’t have a lot of laws. Actually, in my experience with India, that’s pretty true.
2. Tasers are causing controversy again, because yesterday a man hit by a Taser caught on fire. But, this is true, he was also carrying a can of gasoline and a lighter. You know, maybe it was just the lighter and the gasoline. I’ve heard those things sometimes cause fires too.
3. Did you know that 12-year-olds can apparently legally hunt by themselves in 21 states? So don’t go hiking wearing a hoodie. “Oh my god, it’s Voldemort! Shoot!”
4. Kim Jong Il is especially enjoying today’s solar eclipse in Asia, because it’s the only time he can go out during the day without bursting into flames.
5. The ex-president of India was frisked by staff of Continental Airlines, and the Indian Civil Aviation Minister said this was “beyond the scope of the laws of our country”. Really? You obviously don’t have a lot of laws. Actually, in my experience with India, that’s pretty true.
Monday, July 20, 2009
7/20
1. A Chinese man taking a bicycle vacation through Somalia has been deported from the country. The official reason? Stupidity. "We may have pirates and terrorists, but at least they're not total idiots." But why are they going after this guy instead of the pirates and terrorists? That's like getting kicked off a major league baseball team for using aspirin.
2. The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
3. The city of San Diego is getting rid of seals by paying someone to walk along the beach playing the sound of dogs barking. That guy is going to look like someone who loves walking dogs, but is extremely lazy. They're worried about him being hurt by seal lovers. I would worry about him being hurt by people trying to sleep.
4. Many companies that made all the subprime mortgages are now calling themselves "loan modification" companies that will help you renogotiate your subprime mortgage. That's like the guy who slept with your wife helping you get revenge on her. "Hey, I really know about screwing people."
5. David Beckham was booed by fans in Los Angeles, because he said that he'd rather play with his Italian team. He says the level of play is better. Well, then he shouldn't have taken those millions of dollars. That's the deal. Do you think I'm challenged by playing basketball with my nephew? I only do it because I get paid.
2. The world’s largest cupcake has been baked in Minneapolis. But isn’t a huge cupcake just technically… cake? The whole idea of cupcakes is to be smaller than cake. That’s like having the LEAST extreme German porn. Then it would just technically be… bestiality.
3. The city of San Diego is getting rid of seals by paying someone to walk along the beach playing the sound of dogs barking. That guy is going to look like someone who loves walking dogs, but is extremely lazy. They're worried about him being hurt by seal lovers. I would worry about him being hurt by people trying to sleep.
4. Many companies that made all the subprime mortgages are now calling themselves "loan modification" companies that will help you renogotiate your subprime mortgage. That's like the guy who slept with your wife helping you get revenge on her. "Hey, I really know about screwing people."
5. David Beckham was booed by fans in Los Angeles, because he said that he'd rather play with his Italian team. He says the level of play is better. Well, then he shouldn't have taken those millions of dollars. That's the deal. Do you think I'm challenged by playing basketball with my nephew? I only do it because I get paid.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A German artist is in trouble for making a garden gnome that satirically gives a Nazi salute. I don’t think that’s a big deal, but I do have trouble with the way the gnome keeps satirically invading Poland.
The city of Des Moines, Iowa might finally legalize dancing after 2 a.m. Yes, Des Moines, soon you’ll be almost as exciting as Omaha! Residents of Des Moines were mostly unaware of the law, because until last week, no one there had stayed up past 2 a.m.
The state of Tennessee is voting to make it legal to carry guns in restaurants. In other news, experts predict that Tennessee will soon have the best wait service in the country.
Yesterday, scientists said two glasses of wine a day might prevent dementia. And a few days ago, they said the same about five cups of coffee. However, today scientists realized that the actual cause was just having to pee a lot.
Hackers revealed that Twitter believes it will have a billion users by 2013. Twitter figured this out from a completely separate report predicting that in 2013, the world will have over a billion celebrities. Also by 2013, the most common Twitter message is expected to be: “I’m reading Twitter.”
There’s been an increase in new homes being built, mainly because of rising sales for the Amana refrigerator company. These days, their boxes are considered home construction.
Some laid-off French auto workers have threatened to blow up their old factory. But then they found out the company wanted it blown up. So now the laid-off workers want to be paid to do it. They’re going to wait a day though, because that’s their government-mandated vacation time.
The number of new unemployment claims dropped last week, but only if you use “seasonally adjusted figures”. If you use what is known as “reality”, then the claims continued to rise. For example, if you use seasonally adjusted figures, I’m getting laid all the time! But if you use crude unsophisticated “reality”, I’m still a virgin.
In Germany, a man tried to fill his air mattress and ended up blowing up his apartment. At least, they thought it was an air mattress until they found the plastic nipples. Apparently he likes his “women” extra husky.
In South Africa, a bank put pepper spray in ATMs to prevent the machines from being robbed. However, they’ve been malfunctioning, leading to an increase in muggings while customers lie on the floor holding their eyes in agony.
The government says the average price of food has been dropping across the country. But much of that can be blamed on the collapsed real estate market for gingerbread houses.
A new study says having a lower IQ raises the risk of heart disease, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
A white supremacist on the run from the FBI has now been found -- in Israel. Is he aware of who lives in Israel? I guess he decided to go where no one would suspect. Like Rush Limbaugh would move to San Francisco. Or Jessica Simpson would hide out at the Julliard School of Music.
Cyber-crime experts now say that Internet criminals are acting more and more like MBAs. Actually, considering what we’ve seen over the past few years, they probably are MBAs.
The country of Turkey is banning smoking in all public places. It’s part of their winter anti-smoking tourism campaign: “Come quit smoking cold Turkey!”
A new study says you can tell what someone is typing on a computer just by checking the electricity going into the wall. For example, if there’s no electricity going into the wall, then the person is probably not typing.
A new study by pain researchers shows that swearing can reduce pain. During the study, when volunteers swore at the researchers, the researchers were less likely to hurt them.
The city of Des Moines, Iowa might finally legalize dancing after 2 a.m. Yes, Des Moines, soon you’ll be almost as exciting as Omaha! Residents of Des Moines were mostly unaware of the law, because until last week, no one there had stayed up past 2 a.m.
The state of Tennessee is voting to make it legal to carry guns in restaurants. In other news, experts predict that Tennessee will soon have the best wait service in the country.
Yesterday, scientists said two glasses of wine a day might prevent dementia. And a few days ago, they said the same about five cups of coffee. However, today scientists realized that the actual cause was just having to pee a lot.
Hackers revealed that Twitter believes it will have a billion users by 2013. Twitter figured this out from a completely separate report predicting that in 2013, the world will have over a billion celebrities. Also by 2013, the most common Twitter message is expected to be: “I’m reading Twitter.”
There’s been an increase in new homes being built, mainly because of rising sales for the Amana refrigerator company. These days, their boxes are considered home construction.
Some laid-off French auto workers have threatened to blow up their old factory. But then they found out the company wanted it blown up. So now the laid-off workers want to be paid to do it. They’re going to wait a day though, because that’s their government-mandated vacation time.
The number of new unemployment claims dropped last week, but only if you use “seasonally adjusted figures”. If you use what is known as “reality”, then the claims continued to rise. For example, if you use seasonally adjusted figures, I’m getting laid all the time! But if you use crude unsophisticated “reality”, I’m still a virgin.
In Germany, a man tried to fill his air mattress and ended up blowing up his apartment. At least, they thought it was an air mattress until they found the plastic nipples. Apparently he likes his “women” extra husky.
In South Africa, a bank put pepper spray in ATMs to prevent the machines from being robbed. However, they’ve been malfunctioning, leading to an increase in muggings while customers lie on the floor holding their eyes in agony.
The government says the average price of food has been dropping across the country. But much of that can be blamed on the collapsed real estate market for gingerbread houses.
A new study says having a lower IQ raises the risk of heart disease, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
A white supremacist on the run from the FBI has now been found -- in Israel. Is he aware of who lives in Israel? I guess he decided to go where no one would suspect. Like Rush Limbaugh would move to San Francisco. Or Jessica Simpson would hide out at the Julliard School of Music.
Cyber-crime experts now say that Internet criminals are acting more and more like MBAs. Actually, considering what we’ve seen over the past few years, they probably are MBAs.
The country of Turkey is banning smoking in all public places. It’s part of their winter anti-smoking tourism campaign: “Come quit smoking cold Turkey!”
A new study says you can tell what someone is typing on a computer just by checking the electricity going into the wall. For example, if there’s no electricity going into the wall, then the person is probably not typing.
A new study by pain researchers shows that swearing can reduce pain. During the study, when volunteers swore at the researchers, the researchers were less likely to hurt them.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
7/18
1. The country of Turkey is banning smoking in all public places. It’s part of their winter anti-smoking tourism campaign: “Come quit smoking cold Turkey!”
2. In Sweden, police arrested a serial public masturbator. But considering Swedish women, I understand. The last time I was in Sweden, I was masturbating outside all the time. Plus, the summer days last so long there. It makes you feel like doing late-night activities in the fresh air.
3. NASA has released new photos of the moon that show equipment from past landings there. Kind of like how I wrecked my ex-girlfriend’s car and found it on Google Earth.
4. Nelson Mandela had his 91st birthday in New York City today. Last year, he had it in London. I wonder when he’s going to start having it in South Africa?
5. The Italian city of Milan is going to ban alcohol for kids under 16. In unrelated news, Milan has drastically dropped in popularity for high-school summer trips.
2. In Sweden, police arrested a serial public masturbator. But considering Swedish women, I understand. The last time I was in Sweden, I was masturbating outside all the time. Plus, the summer days last so long there. It makes you feel like doing late-night activities in the fresh air.
3. NASA has released new photos of the moon that show equipment from past landings there. Kind of like how I wrecked my ex-girlfriend’s car and found it on Google Earth.
4. Nelson Mandela had his 91st birthday in New York City today. Last year, he had it in London. I wonder when he’s going to start having it in South Africa?
5. The Italian city of Milan is going to ban alcohol for kids under 16. In unrelated news, Milan has drastically dropped in popularity for high-school summer trips.
7/17
1. A German artist is in trouble for making a garden gnome that satirically gives a Nazi salute. I don’t think that’s a big deal, but I do have trouble with the way the gnome keeps satirically invading Poland.
2. There’s been an increase in new homes being built, mainly because of rising sales for the Amana refrigerator company. These days, their boxes are considered new home construction.
3. Some laid-off French auto workers have threatened to blow up their old factory. But then they found out the company wanted it blown up. So now the laid-off workers want to be paid to do it. They’re going to wait a day though, because that’s their government-mandated vacation time.
4. Police in New Jersey arrested a house burglar who came back to the house, rang the bell, apologized, then ran on foot. Couldn’t he just send a card? I’m sure Hallmark has something for that. They’ve got everything else. Police said they didn’t know if the burglar had a lawyer. I’m guessing no.
5. Scuba divers in San Diego are being attacked by jumbo squid, who test to see if the divers are edible. Well, speaking just for myself, those divers are very edible. I had one for breakfast this morning.
2. There’s been an increase in new homes being built, mainly because of rising sales for the Amana refrigerator company. These days, their boxes are considered new home construction.
3. Some laid-off French auto workers have threatened to blow up their old factory. But then they found out the company wanted it blown up. So now the laid-off workers want to be paid to do it. They’re going to wait a day though, because that’s their government-mandated vacation time.
4. Police in New Jersey arrested a house burglar who came back to the house, rang the bell, apologized, then ran on foot. Couldn’t he just send a card? I’m sure Hallmark has something for that. They’ve got everything else. Police said they didn’t know if the burglar had a lawyer. I’m guessing no.
5. Scuba divers in San Diego are being attacked by jumbo squid, who test to see if the divers are edible. Well, speaking just for myself, those divers are very edible. I had one for breakfast this morning.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
7/16
1. The number of new unemployment claims dropped last week, but only if you use “seasonally adjusted figures”. If you use what is known as “reality”, then the claims continued to rise. For example, if you use seasonally adjusted figures, I’m getting laid all the time! But if you use crude unsophisticated “reality”, I’m still a virgin.
2. In Germany, a man tried to fill his air mattress and ended up blowing up his apartment. At least, they thought it was an air mattress until they found the plastic nipples. Apparently he likes his “women” extra husky.
3. Hackers revealed that Twitter believes it will have a billion users by 2013. It figured this out from a completely separate report predicting that in 2013, the world will have over a billion celebrities. Also by 2013, the most common Twitter message is expected to be: “I’m reading Twitter.”
4. And house burglars are using Twitter to find out if people are on vacation. Leading to a rise in messages like: “Having a great time in Hawaii! Sure miss my house full of scorpions!”
5. A new element has finally been added to the periodic table. It’s all part of the economic stimulus, to create jobs for people who have to print new tables. Like in 1933, when FDR created work for thousands of jobless map-makers by temporarily dividing the country into 5,924 states.
2. In Germany, a man tried to fill his air mattress and ended up blowing up his apartment. At least, they thought it was an air mattress until they found the plastic nipples. Apparently he likes his “women” extra husky.
3. Hackers revealed that Twitter believes it will have a billion users by 2013. It figured this out from a completely separate report predicting that in 2013, the world will have over a billion celebrities. Also by 2013, the most common Twitter message is expected to be: “I’m reading Twitter.”
4. And house burglars are using Twitter to find out if people are on vacation. Leading to a rise in messages like: “Having a great time in Hawaii! Sure miss my house full of scorpions!”
5. A new element has finally been added to the periodic table. It’s all part of the economic stimulus, to create jobs for people who have to print new tables. Like in 1933, when FDR created work for thousands of jobless map-makers by temporarily dividing the country into 5,924 states.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
7/15
1. In South Africa, a bank put pepper spray in ATMs to prevent the machines from being robbed. However, they’ve been malfunctioning, leading to an increase in muggings while customers lie on the floor holding their eyes in agony.
2. The government says the average price of food has been dropping across the country. But much of that can be blamed on the collapsed real estate market and gingerbread houses.
3. A new study says having a lower IQ raises the risk of heart disease, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
4. A man in New Hampshire paid for cigarettes with his credit card and discovered that he’d been charged $23 quadrillion dollars. Well, they say that cigarette smokers are going to help pay for healthcare. But imagine what he’s going to do now that he knows his card has that limit.
5. A Republican politician in Florida wants to start python hunts, because the non-native snakes are multiplying out of control. So to get a Republican to save the environment, it also has to somehow stop illegal immigration. But it’s dangerous to bring other species into the immigration issue, because a lot of American animals might have problems with us.
2. The government says the average price of food has been dropping across the country. But much of that can be blamed on the collapsed real estate market and gingerbread houses.
3. A new study says having a lower IQ raises the risk of heart disease, which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
4. A man in New Hampshire paid for cigarettes with his credit card and discovered that he’d been charged $23 quadrillion dollars. Well, they say that cigarette smokers are going to help pay for healthcare. But imagine what he’s going to do now that he knows his card has that limit.
5. A Republican politician in Florida wants to start python hunts, because the non-native snakes are multiplying out of control. So to get a Republican to save the environment, it also has to somehow stop illegal immigration. But it’s dangerous to bring other species into the immigration issue, because a lot of American animals might have problems with us.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
7/14
1. The city of Des Moines, Iowa might finally legalize dancing after 2 a.m. Yes, Des Moines, soon you’ll be almost as exciting as Omaha! Residents of Des Moines were mostly unaware of the law, since until last week, no one there had stayed up past 2 a.m.
2. A white supremacist on the run from the FBI has now been found -- in Israel. Is he aware of who lives in Israel? I guess he decided to go where no one would suspect he was hiding. Like Rush Limbaugh would move to San Francisco. Or Jessica Simpson would hide out at the Julliard School of Music.
3. Cyber-crime experts now say that Internet criminals are acting more and more like MBAs. Actually, considering what we’ve seen over the past few years, they probably are MBAs.
4. The nation of Singapore has now bounced back from recession. For awhile there, they had to use fake bamboo canes to beat people.
5. The magazine BusinessWeek is up for sale, because recently, there hasn’t been enough business to fill a weekly magazine. New buyers want to change the magazine to BusinessMonth.
2. A white supremacist on the run from the FBI has now been found -- in Israel. Is he aware of who lives in Israel? I guess he decided to go where no one would suspect he was hiding. Like Rush Limbaugh would move to San Francisco. Or Jessica Simpson would hide out at the Julliard School of Music.
3. Cyber-crime experts now say that Internet criminals are acting more and more like MBAs. Actually, considering what we’ve seen over the past few years, they probably are MBAs.
4. The nation of Singapore has now bounced back from recession. For awhile there, they had to use fake bamboo canes to beat people.
5. The magazine BusinessWeek is up for sale, because recently, there hasn’t been enough business to fill a weekly magazine. New buyers want to change the magazine to BusinessMonth.
Monday, July 13, 2009
7/13
1. The state of Tennessee is voting to make it legal to carry guns in restaurants. In other news, experts predict that Tennessee will soon have the best wait service in the country.
2. Yesterday, scientists said two glasses of wine a day might prevent dementia. And a few days ago, they said the same about five cups of coffee. However, today scientists realized that the real cause was just going to the bathroom a lot.
3. A new study says you can tell what someone is typing on a computer just by checking the electricity going into the wall. For example, if there’s no electricity going into the wall, then the person is probably not typing.
4. A new study by pain researchers shows that swearing can reduce pain. During the study, when volunteers swore at the researchers, the researchers were less likely to hurt them.
5. President Obama has named Regina Benjamin to be the new surgeon general. Here’s her picture. So I guess obesity isn’t going to be one of Obama’s big health issues.
2. Yesterday, scientists said two glasses of wine a day might prevent dementia. And a few days ago, they said the same about five cups of coffee. However, today scientists realized that the real cause was just going to the bathroom a lot.
3. A new study says you can tell what someone is typing on a computer just by checking the electricity going into the wall. For example, if there’s no electricity going into the wall, then the person is probably not typing.
4. A new study by pain researchers shows that swearing can reduce pain. During the study, when volunteers swore at the researchers, the researchers were less likely to hurt them.
5. President Obama has named Regina Benjamin to be the new surgeon general. Here’s her picture. So I guess obesity isn’t going to be one of Obama’s big health issues.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Some people say the recession is keeping people from moving, which is bad for the economy. No, if people start moving around a lot, that’s not good -- that’s because they’re hobos.
Controversial Senator Roland Burris of Illinois has decided to not run for reelection, because he says it would cost too much. Apparently with all the media attention, he would barely be able to take any bribes.
Scientists say drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse Alzheimer’s. But another study says drinking seven cups of coffee a day can make people hallucinate. That’s good. So when you’re talking to that leprechaun, at least you’ll remember his name.
Michael Jackson’s dermatologist has denied being the father of Jackson’s children. Said the dermatologist: “I can’t be the father. I never had sex with Michael Jackson.”
A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”, has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”
President Obama is visiting the African nation of Ghana, and one town there has suspended all funerals (true). They’re hoping maybe Obama will bring the corpses back to life.
Scientists in Britain say they’ve created sperm for the first time in a laboratory. I beg to differ. Last year, I took a tour of a lab, and when I lost the group for awhile… well, those white coats were just too sexy to resist. The scientists say that it will take five years to perfect the technique. No, trust me, it takes at least fifteen.
A drug that might greatly extend lifespans has been found on Easter Island. It’s apparently the reason for the long life of Easter Island’s indigenous marshmallow animals.
President Obama met with the Pope today. Not for any political reasons, but just to compare their cool custom-made cars.
A graveyard in Chicago has been accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. How surprising that was in Chicago. The deal was, they had to get someone else in there once the dead person voted. Didn’t they realize relatives might come to visit? “Grandpa wasn’t named Veronica. Unless there’s something he never told us.” And haven’t the movies taught us that this is a bad idea?
Controversial Senator Roland Burris of Illinois has decided to not run for reelection, because he says it would cost too much. Apparently with all the media attention, he would barely be able to take any bribes.
Scientists say drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse Alzheimer’s. But another study says drinking seven cups of coffee a day can make people hallucinate. That’s good. So when you’re talking to that leprechaun, at least you’ll remember his name.
Michael Jackson’s dermatologist has denied being the father of Jackson’s children. Said the dermatologist: “I can’t be the father. I never had sex with Michael Jackson.”
A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”, has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”
President Obama is visiting the African nation of Ghana, and one town there has suspended all funerals (true). They’re hoping maybe Obama will bring the corpses back to life.
Scientists in Britain say they’ve created sperm for the first time in a laboratory. I beg to differ. Last year, I took a tour of a lab, and when I lost the group for awhile… well, those white coats were just too sexy to resist. The scientists say that it will take five years to perfect the technique. No, trust me, it takes at least fifteen.
A drug that might greatly extend lifespans has been found on Easter Island. It’s apparently the reason for the long life of Easter Island’s indigenous marshmallow animals.
President Obama met with the Pope today. Not for any political reasons, but just to compare their cool custom-made cars.
A graveyard in Chicago has been accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. How surprising that was in Chicago. The deal was, they had to get someone else in there once the dead person voted. Didn’t they realize relatives might come to visit? “Grandpa wasn’t named Veronica. Unless there’s something he never told us.” And haven’t the movies taught us that this is a bad idea?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
7/11
1. To provide better service, a new machine in Japan will measure whether subway staff are smiling wide enough. In similar news, subway staff in New York will be measured for how loud they scream.
2. People who are obese are at a higher risk of complications from swine flu. I can see the headline: “Pigging out ups swine flu risk.”
3. Parents in New York plan to sue the city because their daughter wasn’t paying attention while texting and fell into a manhole. In related news, parents in Arizona plan to sue after their daughter fell into the Grand Canyon while texting. “This should be covered up!”
4. Today, 7-11 stores across the country gave away free Slurpees. If North Korea wanted to launch missiles at us, they should have waited until we all had brain freeze headaches.
5. NASA had to delay the shuttle launch because of lightning strikes. Not to the shuttle, but to the crew. This is what happens when you recruit all your astronauts from the Atheist League.
2. People who are obese are at a higher risk of complications from swine flu. I can see the headline: “Pigging out ups swine flu risk.”
3. Parents in New York plan to sue the city because their daughter wasn’t paying attention while texting and fell into a manhole. In related news, parents in Arizona plan to sue after their daughter fell into the Grand Canyon while texting. “This should be covered up!”
4. Today, 7-11 stores across the country gave away free Slurpees. If North Korea wanted to launch missiles at us, they should have waited until we all had brain freeze headaches.
5. NASA had to delay the shuttle launch because of lightning strikes. Not to the shuttle, but to the crew. This is what happens when you recruit all your astronauts from the Atheist League.
Friday, July 10, 2009
7/10
1. President Obama met with the Pope today. Not for any political reasons, but just to compare their cool custom-made cars.
2. Levi Johnston, the ex-fiancee of Sarah Palin’s daughter, says Palin resigned to get millions of dollars from a book deal. He also said his relationship with the family has improved. Yeah, how’s that going now? That’s why he made the announcement -- because he makes more money if they don’t get along.
3. President Obama is visiting the African nation of Ghana, and one town has suspended all funerals (true). They’re hoping maybe Obama will bring the corpses back to life.
4. Controversial Senator Roland Burris of Illinois has decided to not run for reelection, because he says it would cost too much. Apparently with all the media attention, he would barely be able to take any bribes.
5. Did you hear about this family in England who lost a dog, so they tried to lure him back by spreading their urine around town? As if we need to give drunk people even more of a reason.
2. Levi Johnston, the ex-fiancee of Sarah Palin’s daughter, says Palin resigned to get millions of dollars from a book deal. He also said his relationship with the family has improved. Yeah, how’s that going now? That’s why he made the announcement -- because he makes more money if they don’t get along.
3. President Obama is visiting the African nation of Ghana, and one town has suspended all funerals (true). They’re hoping maybe Obama will bring the corpses back to life.
4. Controversial Senator Roland Burris of Illinois has decided to not run for reelection, because he says it would cost too much. Apparently with all the media attention, he would barely be able to take any bribes.
5. Did you hear about this family in England who lost a dog, so they tried to lure him back by spreading their urine around town? As if we need to give drunk people even more of a reason.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
7/9
1. A drug that might greatly extend lifespans has been found on Easter Island. It’s apparently the reason for the long life of Easter Island’s indigenous marshmallow animals.
2. A cruise ship in England has been quarantined because some passengers have norovirus, which you may recall was the cool new virus a few years back. Haven’t these people heard about swine flu? Norovirus is so 2006.
3. A graveyard in Chicago has been accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. How surprising that was in Chicago. The deal was, they had to get someone else in there once the dead person voted. Didn’t they realize relatives might come to visit? “Grandpa wasn’t named Veronica. Unless there’s something he never told us.” And haven’t the movies taught us that this is a bad idea?
4. Today, police in Iran fired into the air to disperse protesters, because the Iranian government has banned gatherings of birds. They claim that sparrows are a Western plot. The shooting is also a recession-time way to feed the police.
5. A new study says that people with superior language skills early in life are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Then how do you explain the Bush family?
2. A cruise ship in England has been quarantined because some passengers have norovirus, which you may recall was the cool new virus a few years back. Haven’t these people heard about swine flu? Norovirus is so 2006.
3. A graveyard in Chicago has been accused of digging up bodies and reselling the graves. How surprising that was in Chicago. The deal was, they had to get someone else in there once the dead person voted. Didn’t they realize relatives might come to visit? “Grandpa wasn’t named Veronica. Unless there’s something he never told us.” And haven’t the movies taught us that this is a bad idea?
4. Today, police in Iran fired into the air to disperse protesters, because the Iranian government has banned gatherings of birds. They claim that sparrows are a Western plot. The shooting is also a recession-time way to feed the police.
5. A new study says that people with superior language skills early in life are less likely to develop Alzheimer’s. Then how do you explain the Bush family?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
7/8
1. Michael Jackson’s dermatologist has denied being the father of Jackson’s children. Said the dermatologist: “ I can’t be the father. I never had sex with Michael Jackson.”
2. A U.S. veteran who said he parachuted into France on D-Day has been exposed as a liar. People should have been suspicious when he started talking about the cage and cable. "No, sir, I think that’s a Parachute Drop ride."
3. Yesterday, North Korea launched a cyber-attack on the United States and South Korea. However, it had to use computers in South Korea (true). That’s because all the computers in North Korea have been boiled for food.
4. When officially censuring Governor Mark Sanford, South Carolina Republicans said it would be the party’s “last word on the matter” -- not so much for legal reasons, but just as a hint to Sanford.
5. A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
2. A U.S. veteran who said he parachuted into France on D-Day has been exposed as a liar. People should have been suspicious when he started talking about the cage and cable. "No, sir, I think that’s a Parachute Drop ride."
3. Yesterday, North Korea launched a cyber-attack on the United States and South Korea. However, it had to use computers in South Korea (true). That’s because all the computers in North Korea have been boiled for food.
4. When officially censuring Governor Mark Sanford, South Carolina Republicans said it would be the party’s “last word on the matter” -- not so much for legal reasons, but just as a hint to Sanford.
5. A man in Delaware was arrested for driving with no pants. He was originally pulled over for speeding, because every time he tried to shift to a lower gear, he had an orgasm.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
7/7
1. Scientists in Britain say they’ve created sperm for the first time in a laboratory. I beg to differ. Last year, I took a tour of a lab, and when I lost the group for awhile… well, those white coats were just too sexy to resist. The scientists say that it will take five years to perfect the technique. No, trust me, it takes at least fifteen.
2. Some people say the recession is keeping people from moving, which is bad for the economy. No, if people start moving around a lot, that’s not good -- that’s because they’re hobos.
3. Did you hear that one of the Harry Potter actors has been charged with growing marijuana? Police became suspicious when he wore a t-shirt reading: “Putting the ‘pot’ back into ‘Potter’.”
4. Prince William of England has now been made a lawyer, despite not having any qualifications. He’s already gotten job offers from Wall Street.
5. The Iraqi government has banned all organized visits to the grave of Saddam Hussein, because former Republican politicians keep visiting there. “Oh, we didn’t know how much we loved having you here until you were gone!”
2. Some people say the recession is keeping people from moving, which is bad for the economy. No, if people start moving around a lot, that’s not good -- that’s because they’re hobos.
3. Did you hear that one of the Harry Potter actors has been charged with growing marijuana? Police became suspicious when he wore a t-shirt reading: “Putting the ‘pot’ back into ‘Potter’.”
4. Prince William of England has now been made a lawyer, despite not having any qualifications. He’s already gotten job offers from Wall Street.
5. The Iraqi government has banned all organized visits to the grave of Saddam Hussein, because former Republican politicians keep visiting there. “Oh, we didn’t know how much we loved having you here until you were gone!”
Monday, July 6, 2009
7/6
1. Scientists say drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse Alzheimer’s. But another study says drinking seven cups of coffee a day can make people hallucinate. That’s good. So when you’re talking to that leprechaun, at least you’ll remember his name.
2. Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”
3. Lance Armstrong was fined $92 for showing up late at the Tour de France. Yeah, that’ll hurt. To pay that off, he might have to take yet another million-dollar endorsement deal.
4. The world’s oldest known Bible has gone online. One of the biggest surprises -- the real reason Jesus never got married is that he was gay. Judas was just a jealous about Jesus getting it on with John the Baptist. Come on, you never wondered? Slim long-haired guy, hangs around with a bunch of other guys, no interest in women. He was into wine, liked having oil rubbed on his body. “Always remember to turn the other cheek”? He wasn’t talking about the cheeks on the face.
5. A man from Arizona, whose nickname is “Pellet Gun”, has become the pit-spitting champion of the world, spitting a pit over 48 feet. So if you get into a bar fight with this guy, make sure he stays away from the peanuts.
2. Kal Penn, one of the actors from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” has become the White House liaison to Asian communities. In related news, the White House has chosen its liaison to Hispanic communities -- Cheech Marin. And its liaison to bearded Americans will be Willie Nelson. Said President Obama: “We really want the White House to bong, I mean bond, with many diverse groups.”
3. Lance Armstrong was fined $92 for showing up late at the Tour de France. Yeah, that’ll hurt. To pay that off, he might have to take yet another million-dollar endorsement deal.
4. The world’s oldest known Bible has gone online. One of the biggest surprises -- the real reason Jesus never got married is that he was gay. Judas was just a jealous about Jesus getting it on with John the Baptist. Come on, you never wondered? Slim long-haired guy, hangs around with a bunch of other guys, no interest in women. He was into wine, liked having oil rubbed on his body. “Always remember to turn the other cheek”? He wasn’t talking about the cheeks on the face.
5. A man from Arizona, whose nickname is “Pellet Gun”, has become the pit-spitting champion of the world, spitting a pit over 48 feet. So if you get into a bar fight with this guy, make sure he stays away from the peanuts.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
The Supreme Court decided that it’s illegal to strip-search a 13-year-old girl because you think she has headache medicine. Clarence Thomas was the only justice who disagreed, because he thinks the decision might hurt his hiring process.
A new study says that some plants can recognize themselves. Which makes it official -- plants are smarter than parakeets.
China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, it’s proposing fake Gucci handbags.
Saturday is the women’s final at Wimbledon, but a friend told me that he never watches it, because he only wants to watch the best, and the men’s final is the best. I said by that logic, he should be watching a lot of gay porn. Because no one can give a blowjob like a guy. Well, so I’ve heard. But he said no, he watches straight porn because it’s even more important to root for the home team.
The Postal Service announced that thousands of post offices might be closed this fall. Yes, because the lines at post offices have become dangerously short! Something must be done to make them longer.
A cab driver near Chicago fought off a robber by spraying deodorant in his eyes. But the driver didn’t realize what he’d done until he went home and his wife screamed in pain, because he’d used Mace for his armpits.
To improve morale, the staff at a marketing company in England worked naked for a day. Considering my co-workers, at my office that would seriously decrease morale. It didn’t improve morale at this company either, but it did win them 12 new contracts from nudist colonies. And that night, they all had nightmares about going to work fully clothed.
Sarah Palin is going to resign as governor of Alaska. She said it’s time to come clean -- she’s having an affair with Governor Mark Sanford. No, she wants to have more effect on the Republican party, and these days, being a governor isn‘t cutting it. She wants to go where the real Republican power is -- Fox News.
In Australia, crop circles are being blamed on kangaroos who eat opium poppies. I can believe that. It’s like I was baffled by sugar circles in my kitchen until I found out ants got into my weed.
A recent internet video shows a church pastor trying to remove a homosexuality “demon” from a young boy’s belly. That’s better than my old church, which tried to remove homosexuality from young boys a little lower down than the belly. The pastor later claimed: “We have nothing against homosexuals. I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Really? Then exorcism is kind of overdoing it, don’t you think? What’s it like to hang out with you? “You know, I respectfully think you're wrong -- beer is better than wine. COME OUT DEMON!!!”
After the bizarre disappearance of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the Associated Press called other governors to ask where they were (true). For example, Governor Schwarzenegger was arm wrestling girly men, and coincidentally, so was Governor Sarah Palin.
The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.
The mayor of Los Angeles says he wants to turn the city into the world’s “green manufacturing center”. Local environmentalists were thrilled until they learned the mayor wanted to turn the city into the world’s center for counterfeiting dollars.
In California, General Motors will pull out of a factory that it runs with Toyota. Though actually, it’s not going to ‘pull out’, so much as be ‘towed out’.
When given back his wallet after 63 years, a man in Oregon reportedly said: “Oh my, the condom is still inside. If I hadn’t lost this, I would never have knocked up Mary. We might have never gotten married, and I might have actually gotten out of this godforsaken town. Thanks for reminding me of that.” Trojan has already approached him to do ads about the benefits of condom use.
Apparently one gigantic mega-colony of ants now covers at least three continents. One branch of the colony inhabits Japan, and it’s the largest single colony of hive-like creatures to inhabit Japan since, well, the Japanese.
The Washington Post newspaper was going to offer lobbyists a chance to have dinner with White House officials and reporters for $25,000. Other newspapers heard about it from lobbyists who were worried about the ethical problems. That’s how you know an event is unethical -- when even lobbyists are going: “Woah, that’s not right.”
A cop in New York made his first arrest just minutes after being sworn in as a police officer. Literally, he was walking out of the swearing-in ceremony and caught a mugger. The only faster arrest in the NYPD was when a new cop didn’t do his oath correctly, and the guy next to him arrested him for impersonating a police officer.
In California, an elementary school teacher gave kids a DVD of class highlights from the year, and accidentally included six seconds of her having sex. In her defense, it was the first time her husband had brought her to orgasm, so it was a highlight of the year.
My British friends in the United States always seem conflicted about the Fourth of July. They don’t want to be party poopers, but we are celebrating their country’s greatest-ever defeat. I mean, I’ve got nothing against my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t want to go to her annual picnic celebrating our break-up.
Despite many warnings, North Korea launched several ballistic missiles on the Fourth of July. It’s reported that two North Koreans accidentally blew off fingers. Maybe now they’ll learn their lesson.
The White House wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
Joey Chestnut set a new world record at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in New York City -- 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as they call it on cruise ships -- breakfast.
Green is the color of the Iranian protesters, and here in the U.S., people have been supporting them since last winter.
A new study says that some plants can recognize themselves. Which makes it official -- plants are smarter than parakeets.
China wants to replace the dollar with a different global currency. For some reason, it’s proposing fake Gucci handbags.
Saturday is the women’s final at Wimbledon, but a friend told me that he never watches it, because he only wants to watch the best, and the men’s final is the best. I said by that logic, he should be watching a lot of gay porn. Because no one can give a blowjob like a guy. Well, so I’ve heard. But he said no, he watches straight porn because it’s even more important to root for the home team.
The Postal Service announced that thousands of post offices might be closed this fall. Yes, because the lines at post offices have become dangerously short! Something must be done to make them longer.
A cab driver near Chicago fought off a robber by spraying deodorant in his eyes. But the driver didn’t realize what he’d done until he went home and his wife screamed in pain, because he’d used Mace for his armpits.
To improve morale, the staff at a marketing company in England worked naked for a day. Considering my co-workers, at my office that would seriously decrease morale. It didn’t improve morale at this company either, but it did win them 12 new contracts from nudist colonies. And that night, they all had nightmares about going to work fully clothed.
Sarah Palin is going to resign as governor of Alaska. She said it’s time to come clean -- she’s having an affair with Governor Mark Sanford. No, she wants to have more effect on the Republican party, and these days, being a governor isn‘t cutting it. She wants to go where the real Republican power is -- Fox News.
In Australia, crop circles are being blamed on kangaroos who eat opium poppies. I can believe that. It’s like I was baffled by sugar circles in my kitchen until I found out ants got into my weed.
A recent internet video shows a church pastor trying to remove a homosexuality “demon” from a young boy’s belly. That’s better than my old church, which tried to remove homosexuality from young boys a little lower down than the belly. The pastor later claimed: “We have nothing against homosexuals. I just don’t agree with their lifestyle.” Really? Then exorcism is kind of overdoing it, don’t you think? What’s it like to hang out with you? “You know, I respectfully think you're wrong -- beer is better than wine. COME OUT DEMON!!!”
After the bizarre disappearance of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the Associated Press called other governors to ask where they were (true). For example, Governor Schwarzenegger was arm wrestling girly men, and coincidentally, so was Governor Sarah Palin.
The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.
The mayor of Los Angeles says he wants to turn the city into the world’s “green manufacturing center”. Local environmentalists were thrilled until they learned the mayor wanted to turn the city into the world’s center for counterfeiting dollars.
In California, General Motors will pull out of a factory that it runs with Toyota. Though actually, it’s not going to ‘pull out’, so much as be ‘towed out’.
When given back his wallet after 63 years, a man in Oregon reportedly said: “Oh my, the condom is still inside. If I hadn’t lost this, I would never have knocked up Mary. We might have never gotten married, and I might have actually gotten out of this godforsaken town. Thanks for reminding me of that.” Trojan has already approached him to do ads about the benefits of condom use.
Apparently one gigantic mega-colony of ants now covers at least three continents. One branch of the colony inhabits Japan, and it’s the largest single colony of hive-like creatures to inhabit Japan since, well, the Japanese.
The Washington Post newspaper was going to offer lobbyists a chance to have dinner with White House officials and reporters for $25,000. Other newspapers heard about it from lobbyists who were worried about the ethical problems. That’s how you know an event is unethical -- when even lobbyists are going: “Woah, that’s not right.”
A cop in New York made his first arrest just minutes after being sworn in as a police officer. Literally, he was walking out of the swearing-in ceremony and caught a mugger. The only faster arrest in the NYPD was when a new cop didn’t do his oath correctly, and the guy next to him arrested him for impersonating a police officer.
In California, an elementary school teacher gave kids a DVD of class highlights from the year, and accidentally included six seconds of her having sex. In her defense, it was the first time her husband had brought her to orgasm, so it was a highlight of the year.
My British friends in the United States always seem conflicted about the Fourth of July. They don’t want to be party poopers, but we are celebrating their country’s greatest-ever defeat. I mean, I’ve got nothing against my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t want to go to her annual picnic celebrating our break-up.
Despite many warnings, North Korea launched several ballistic missiles on the Fourth of July. It’s reported that two North Koreans accidentally blew off fingers. Maybe now they’ll learn their lesson.
The White House wants to make the application process for college loans easier, so that students can learn even more quickly that they’ve been turned down.
Joey Chestnut set a new world record at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in New York City -- 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as they call it on cruise ships -- breakfast.
Green is the color of the Iranian protesters, and here in the U.S., people have been supporting them since last winter.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
7/4
1. My British friends in the United States always seem conflicted about the Fourth of July. They don’t want to be party poopers, but we are celebrating their country’s greatest-ever defeat. I mean, I’ve got nothing against my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t want to go to her annual picnic celebrating our break-up.
2. In violation of international law, North Korea launched several ballistic missiles on the Fourth of July. It’s reported that two North Koreans accidentally blew off fingers.
3. Joey Chestnut set a new world record at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in New York -- 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as they call it on cruise ships -- breakfast.
4. Scientists now say they’ve created the coldest place in all of outer space. They still won’t say how they managed to hold the divorce trial of Jon and Kate up there.
5. The Australian Navy is investigating whether male sailors gave cash prizes for sleeping with female sailors. The thing is, it would have been fine if they’d been filming it for a reality TV show. And what they didn’t know, is that the female sailors were giving each other cash prizes for how many male sailors they could officially classify as douchebags.
2. In violation of international law, North Korea launched several ballistic missiles on the Fourth of July. It’s reported that two North Koreans accidentally blew off fingers.
3. Joey Chestnut set a new world record at the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in New York -- 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as they call it on cruise ships -- breakfast.
4. Scientists now say they’ve created the coldest place in all of outer space. They still won’t say how they managed to hold the divorce trial of Jon and Kate up there.
5. The Australian Navy is investigating whether male sailors gave cash prizes for sleeping with female sailors. The thing is, it would have been fine if they’d been filming it for a reality TV show. And what they didn’t know, is that the female sailors were giving each other cash prizes for how many male sailors they could officially classify as douchebags.
Friday, July 3, 2009
7/3
1. A cab driver near Chicago fought off a robber by spraying deodorant in his eyes. But the driver didn’t realize what he’d done until he went home and his wife screamed in pain, because he’d used Mace for his armpits.
2. To improve morale, the staff at a marketing company in England worked naked for a day. Considering my co-workers, at my office that would seriously decrease morale. It didn’t improve morale at this company either, but it did win them 12 new contracts from nudist colonies. And that night, they all had nightmares about going to work fully clothed.
3. Sarah Palin is going to resign as governor of Alaska. She said it’s time to come clean -- she’s having an affair with Governor Mark Sanford. No, she wants to have more effect on the Republican party, and these days, being a governor isn‘t cutting it. She wants to go where the real Republican power is -- Fox News.
4. A cop in New York made his first arrest just minutes after being sworn in as a police officer. Literally, he was walking out of the swearing-in ceremony and caught a mugger. The only faster arrest in the NYPD was when a new cop didn’t do his oath correctly, and the guy next to him arrested him for impersonating a police officer.
5. In California, an elementary school teacher gave kids a DVD of class highlights from the year, and accidentally included six seconds of her having sex. In her defense, it was the first time her husband had brought her to orgasm, so it was a highlight of the year.
2. To improve morale, the staff at a marketing company in England worked naked for a day. Considering my co-workers, at my office that would seriously decrease morale. It didn’t improve morale at this company either, but it did win them 12 new contracts from nudist colonies. And that night, they all had nightmares about going to work fully clothed.
3. Sarah Palin is going to resign as governor of Alaska. She said it’s time to come clean -- she’s having an affair with Governor Mark Sanford. No, she wants to have more effect on the Republican party, and these days, being a governor isn‘t cutting it. She wants to go where the real Republican power is -- Fox News.
4. A cop in New York made his first arrest just minutes after being sworn in as a police officer. Literally, he was walking out of the swearing-in ceremony and caught a mugger. The only faster arrest in the NYPD was when a new cop didn’t do his oath correctly, and the guy next to him arrested him for impersonating a police officer.
5. In California, an elementary school teacher gave kids a DVD of class highlights from the year, and accidentally included six seconds of her having sex. In her defense, it was the first time her husband had brought her to orgasm, so it was a highlight of the year.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
7/2
1. Saturday is the women’s final at Wimbledon, but a friend told me that he never watches it, because he only wants to watch the best, and the men’s final is the best. I said by that logic, he should be watching a lot of gay porn. Because no one can give a blowjob like a guy. Well, so I’ve heard. But he said no, he watches straight porn because it’s even more important to root for the home team.
2. Apparently the Washington Post was going to offer lobbyists a chance to have dinner with White House officials and reporters for $25,000. Other newspapers heard about it from lobbyists who were worried about the ethical problems. That’s how you know an event is unethical -- when even lobbyists are going: “Woah, that’s not right.”
3. True Story (really): Russian and Nigerian gas companies have formed a joint gas company called Nigaz. Former gangster rappers NWA have already sued them for starting an employee morale group called Nigaz With Attitude. It reminds me of the joint venture between the Polish city of Krakow and the brewery Coors to market to the region’s whites: Krakcoors.
4. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina says that he wants to start rebuilding the trust of the people of South Carolina. That’s why this weekend, he’s going to take his Fourth of July vacation in… Florida. I wonder how many women he has stashed away there?
5. Homosexuality has finally been made legal in India. It seems odd that India would be so against homosexuality, considering that its most macho film stars build their reputations on singing and dancing in colorful outfits.
2. Apparently the Washington Post was going to offer lobbyists a chance to have dinner with White House officials and reporters for $25,000. Other newspapers heard about it from lobbyists who were worried about the ethical problems. That’s how you know an event is unethical -- when even lobbyists are going: “Woah, that’s not right.”
3. True Story (really): Russian and Nigerian gas companies have formed a joint gas company called Nigaz. Former gangster rappers NWA have already sued them for starting an employee morale group called Nigaz With Attitude. It reminds me of the joint venture between the Polish city of Krakow and the brewery Coors to market to the region’s whites: Krakcoors.
4. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina says that he wants to start rebuilding the trust of the people of South Carolina. That’s why this weekend, he’s going to take his Fourth of July vacation in… Florida. I wonder how many women he has stashed away there?
5. Homosexuality has finally been made legal in India. It seems odd that India would be so against homosexuality, considering that its most macho film stars build their reputations on singing and dancing in colorful outfits.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
7/1
1. Apparently one gigantic mega-colony of ants now covers at least three continents. One branch of the colony inhabits Japan, and it’s the largest single colony of hive-like creatures to inhabit Japan since, well, the Japanese.
2. Many families hit by the recession are turning to youth sports for entertainment, which some hope will help the America’s obesity rates. Unfortunately, the fastest growing youth sport? Competitive eating.
3. A new study says two thirds of Americans are too fat, while the other third is just the right amount of fat.
4. Today, Ford announced that it had another good quarter. Three more and they‘ll finally have a dollar in profit.
5. Apparently, the new iPhones become so hot that a white case sometimes turns brown. Luckily, with the right app, you can sandwich them between iPods and make iSmores.
2. Many families hit by the recession are turning to youth sports for entertainment, which some hope will help the America’s obesity rates. Unfortunately, the fastest growing youth sport? Competitive eating.
3. A new study says two thirds of Americans are too fat, while the other third is just the right amount of fat.
4. Today, Ford announced that it had another good quarter. Three more and they‘ll finally have a dollar in profit.
5. Apparently, the new iPhones become so hot that a white case sometimes turns brown. Luckily, with the right app, you can sandwich them between iPods and make iSmores.
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