1. Two guys in Boston are being called heroes for catching a baby falling from a third-story window. But who’s NOT going to do that? [bored voice] “Is that a baby falling?” “Yup. [pause] Too bad I’m holding this beer.” Now there’s a hero.
2. A new study shows that Subway sandwiches are some of the healthiest fast food. But one problem is that they create a health halo. Can we see one of those? [Show picture of Richard Simmons with a halo around his head.] Yeah, those take a long time to go away.
3. Pistol Pete, the mascot of New Mexico State has been suspended for fighting with the mascot from Utah State. It was the worst mascot on mascot violence since the great Rotisserie Incident of ‘98. [Show photo of the San Diego Chicken being roasted by the Philly Monster.]
4. Now it looks like General Motors is going to go bankrupt. Some auto execs are upset because the government won’t tell them exactly how much they’re willing to pay them. Yeah, now you know how we feel trying to buy a car! “Tell you what we’re going to do…”
5. Scientists now say that they can create huge amounts of HIV medicine with tobacco plants. This means tobacco farmers are teaming with doctors for the first time since the 1950s Camels ads.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Scientists now say they’ve found mud volcanoes on Mars, which might finally point to the existence there of school science projects.
There’s now a whole protest tour of the homes of AIG executives, though it’s strictly BYOTP - Bring Your Own Torches and Pitchforks. Or toilet paper for high school kids.
This week, New Jersey decided to NOT ban bikini waxes, because if there’s ever a state that needs them, it’s New Jersey. There will also be no ban on New Jersey’s second most popular waxing procedure -- the monobrow wax.
A new survey says that many parents feel excluded by their teenage children when they ask about school. The survey said that this might be because they’re, um, teenagers! The survey also discovered that most teenagers are only 13 to 19 years old.
According to scientists, salt on Mars might be melting ice and creating pools of water. Well, let me tell you, if my neighbor ran Mars, there would be no pools of water. That dick never salts his sidewalk.
Online crime is surging during this recession. For example, there’s a new website up by AIG.
Japan says that it will take down any North Korean rockets with its special missile defense shield:
There’s now a whole protest tour of the homes of AIG executives, though it’s strictly BYOTP - Bring Your Own Torches and Pitchforks. Or toilet paper for high school kids.
This week, New Jersey decided to NOT ban bikini waxes, because if there’s ever a state that needs them, it’s New Jersey. There will also be no ban on New Jersey’s second most popular waxing procedure -- the monobrow wax.
A new survey says that many parents feel excluded by their teenage children when they ask about school. The survey said that this might be because they’re, um, teenagers! The survey also discovered that most teenagers are only 13 to 19 years old.
According to scientists, salt on Mars might be melting ice and creating pools of water. Well, let me tell you, if my neighbor ran Mars, there would be no pools of water. That dick never salts his sidewalk.
Online crime is surging during this recession. For example, there’s a new website up by AIG.
Japan says that it will take down any North Korean rockets with its special missile defense shield:
3/30
1. Pistachios are now the latest food to have a salmonella outbreak. But for god’s sake, the things are green! You don’t even know if they’ve got mold on them. Pistachios are proof that people will eat anything. “Here, have this green fleshy nut.” There could be giant salmonella bacteria waving at people from pistachios. “We’re right here! We want to destroy your bowels!” And people would just keep popping them in their mouths.
2. Utah reformed its drinking laws today. You used to have to pay a “membership fee” to drink at a bar. Yeah, they have that in California too -- it’s called a cover charge. Bartenders can also now serve drinks to customers over the bar. Because before they were just chucking them [act out]. They gave new meaning to the drink “Harvey Wallbanger”.
3. The Plaxico Buress trial date has been postponed to June, because apparently the judge still hasn’t stopped laughing about how he shot himself.
4. New polls show that 70% of people around the world think we need serious economic reforms. So 30% think things are going just fine? Who are these people? Bankruptcy layers?
5. Online crime is surging during this recession. For example, there’s a new website up by AIG.
2. Utah reformed its drinking laws today. You used to have to pay a “membership fee” to drink at a bar. Yeah, they have that in California too -- it’s called a cover charge. Bartenders can also now serve drinks to customers over the bar. Because before they were just chucking them [act out]. They gave new meaning to the drink “Harvey Wallbanger”.
3. The Plaxico Buress trial date has been postponed to June, because apparently the judge still hasn’t stopped laughing about how he shot himself.
4. New polls show that 70% of people around the world think we need serious economic reforms. So 30% think things are going just fine? Who are these people? Bankruptcy layers?
5. Online crime is surging during this recession. For example, there’s a new website up by AIG.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
3/28
1. Yesterday was Earth Hour, when people send a message that they are serious about saving the earth. Who are they showing this to? Aliens? “Hey, aliens, see this dark skyscraper? No, the other one. That’s how much we love our planet.”
2. In Pennsylvania, a man tried to rob a police officer at a convention of police officers. Didn’t he notice that everyone was wearing blue? “Maybe these guys are all into smurfs.”
3. In Europe, tens of thousands of protesters are marching over the financial crisis. Or considering it’s Europe, maybe they’re standing in line.
4. The wings of the Space Shuttle Discovery have a bump under them to test heat. That’s why I shave my armpits.
5. Canada has discovered a cyber spy network based in China. So apparently they’re not shutting down every site.
2. In Pennsylvania, a man tried to rob a police officer at a convention of police officers. Didn’t he notice that everyone was wearing blue? “Maybe these guys are all into smurfs.”
3. In Europe, tens of thousands of protesters are marching over the financial crisis. Or considering it’s Europe, maybe they’re standing in line.
4. The wings of the Space Shuttle Discovery have a bump under them to test heat. That’s why I shave my armpits.
5. Canada has discovered a cyber spy network based in China. So apparently they’re not shutting down every site.
Friday, March 27, 2009
3/27
1. New York is loosening its drug laws, because in this economy, they’ve decided to go easy a bit. They understand if you need a little smack to get through the day.
2. Some people are calling for a new global currency to replace the dollar. We’ll just start using gift certificates from Starbucks.
3. Madonna is being urged by a charity to rethink her latest African adoption. The courts in Malawi usually don’t allow adoption by single women, but in this case, they’ll make an exception.
4. A man in Scotland has won a prize for the best photograph of a ghost. However, it turned out to just be a picture of Katie Holmes.
5. The composer Ravel apparently took the name of a woman he was attracted to, and used the letters in her name to compose a song. A professor said “This has never been done before. To take one person and to place them at the center of a life-long work.” Um, you obviously don’t listen to a lot of pop music.
2. Some people are calling for a new global currency to replace the dollar. We’ll just start using gift certificates from Starbucks.
3. Madonna is being urged by a charity to rethink her latest African adoption. The courts in Malawi usually don’t allow adoption by single women, but in this case, they’ll make an exception.
4. A man in Scotland has won a prize for the best photograph of a ghost. However, it turned out to just be a picture of Katie Holmes.
5. The composer Ravel apparently took the name of a woman he was attracted to, and used the letters in her name to compose a song. A professor said “This has never been done before. To take one person and to place them at the center of a life-long work.” Um, you obviously don’t listen to a lot of pop music.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
3/26
1. Scientists now say they’ve found mud volcanoes on Mars, which might finally point to the existence there of school science projects.
2. A new study says that circumcision stops the spread of STDs. Mainly because after circumcision, men are in far too much pain to have sex. Oh, who are we kidding?
3. Google is laying off another 200 staff. Didn’t they learn anything from our problems in Iraq? When you lay people off, they form guerilla movements and end up attacking you.
4. A new study says that having very hot drinks increases the possibility of cancer. Especially if it’s tea from China, since most of that is radioactive.
5. Japan says that it will take down any North Korean rockets with its missile defense shield:
2. A new study says that circumcision stops the spread of STDs. Mainly because after circumcision, men are in far too much pain to have sex. Oh, who are we kidding?
3. Google is laying off another 200 staff. Didn’t they learn anything from our problems in Iraq? When you lay people off, they form guerilla movements and end up attacking you.
4. A new study says that having very hot drinks increases the possibility of cancer. Especially if it’s tea from China, since most of that is radioactive.
5. Japan says that it will take down any North Korean rockets with its missile defense shield:
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
3/25
1. According to scientists, salt on Mars might be melting ice and creating pools of water. Well, let me tell you, if my neighbor ran Mars, there would be no pools of water. That dick never salts his sidewalk.
2. Obama’s press conference last night preempted American Idol again. Republicans jumped on this as yet another sign that Obama doesn’t care about democracy. American Idol is the highest-functioning democracy in this country!
3. A new study says that eating red meat every day can increase your risk of death. Well, good to know that billions around the world don’t have to worry about that! They can’t even afford red meat!
4. U.S. home sales have been climbing at their fastest rate in 10 months. Though unfortunately, that’s only because the government is now counting bird cages. “Move over, Polly! Daddy’s your new roommate.”
5. The world’s largest model railway has been built in Germany. It has six miles of track and 700 trains. So this is what people do when they get laid off. They spent half a million hours on fake public transportation. Meanwhile, we’re raising rates because no one is working on real public transportation. This might be part of the problem.
2. Obama’s press conference last night preempted American Idol again. Republicans jumped on this as yet another sign that Obama doesn’t care about democracy. American Idol is the highest-functioning democracy in this country!
3. A new study says that eating red meat every day can increase your risk of death. Well, good to know that billions around the world don’t have to worry about that! They can’t even afford red meat!
4. U.S. home sales have been climbing at their fastest rate in 10 months. Though unfortunately, that’s only because the government is now counting bird cages. “Move over, Polly! Daddy’s your new roommate.”
5. The world’s largest model railway has been built in Germany. It has six miles of track and 700 trains. So this is what people do when they get laid off. They spent half a million hours on fake public transportation. Meanwhile, we’re raising rates because no one is working on real public transportation. This might be part of the problem.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
3/24
1. A boy in Vermont has won a contest for having the smelliest sneakers in the country. Oh man, if they had only had that when I was a kid! I would have blown everyone away. Literally. Then I wouldn’t have gone into this lousy talk-show host career.
2. AIG has now changed its name, in order to get away from the stigma of “AIG”. The new, much more acceptable name, is MFI - Manson Family Insurance.
3. A woman in Connecticut wanted to talk with her husband more, so she handcuffed herself to him and changed the locks in the bedroom. Then she bit him. For me, that’s called foreplay.
4. Did you hear about this parrot that alerted a babysitter about a choking baby? It was upset because the baby was getting crackers.
5. A fireman in Thailand persuaded a boy to come off a window ledge by dressing as Spiderman and offering him a glass of juice. I thought it was interesting that he needed the juice too. Well, that may be Spiderman, but he has juice too?!
2. AIG has now changed its name, in order to get away from the stigma of “AIG”. The new, much more acceptable name, is MFI - Manson Family Insurance.
3. A woman in Connecticut wanted to talk with her husband more, so she handcuffed herself to him and changed the locks in the bedroom. Then she bit him. For me, that’s called foreplay.
4. Did you hear about this parrot that alerted a babysitter about a choking baby? It was upset because the baby was getting crackers.
5. A fireman in Thailand persuaded a boy to come off a window ledge by dressing as Spiderman and offering him a glass of juice. I thought it was interesting that he needed the juice too. Well, that may be Spiderman, but he has juice too?!
Monday, March 23, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
The world’s cheapest car has now gone on sale in India. It has no airbags, no air conditioning, no radio, no power steering, no wheels, and no driver. Actually, technically, it’s a spoon. Here’s a picture of the car. It’s not only the world’s cheapest car, but also its most expensive soap box racer.
Yesterday, Jessica Simpson was booed at a concert for forgetting the lyrics to some of her songs. That was surprising, because usually she’s booed for remembering them.
A new study says that ultraviolet light can kill TB bacteria. Which is why you never see TB in people who grow pot. Just a little public service announcement for you. Strike another blow for medical marijuana.
To get back some of the AIG bonus money, Congress is thinking of putting a 90% tax on it. Actually, I have a better idea. How about a 9000% tax on the bonuses? That way, we get all of our money back.
Starbucks, Costco, and Whole Foods are trying to develop a “third way” of dealing with labor unions. For example, healthcare will be cut in half, but tasty food samples will now be included in benefits.
President Obama compared his bowling score with those at the Special Olympics, and some people at the Special Olympics are upset, because they are WAY better bowlers than Obama. Yeah, good luck getting into the Special Olympics, prez!
Financial analysts are happy today, because the rate of new homes being built rose in February, thanks to more apartments being built. Yeah, you want to know why more apartments are being built? Because so many people have lost their HOUSES! This is not a good sign.
Chinese health officials now say that Johnson & Johnson baby products are safe. Well, if the Chinese government says they’re safe! Now I don’t have to throw away my glow-in-the-dark baby shampoo.
3/23
1. A new survey says that many parents feel excluded by their teenage children when they ask about school. The survey said that this might be because they’re, um, teenagers! The survey also discovered that most teenagers are only 13 to 19 years old.
2. The CEO of JPMorgan said today: “When I hear the constant vilification of corporate America, I personally don’t understand it.” Actually, it’s, um, not a vilification of corporate America. It’s a vilification of YOU. You are not corporate America.
3. Did you hear about this guy in Oklahoma who was dying and confessed to a murder, but then recovered, and now is being charged with murder. This is why hypochondriacs should never have affairs. “Oh my god, I’m having a heart attack! Honey, I slept with your sister! Oh, wait. It’s just gas. What did I just say?”
4. Have you heard about this volcano in Alaska that’s about to erupt? So far, the main plan to stop it is to appease the volcano god by throwing in the entire staff of AIG.
5. Tiffany, the maker of fine jewelry, surprisingly made a profit last quarter. However, it’s mostly because more people are buying jewels after selling their other necklaces and bracelets to Cash For Gold.
2. The CEO of JPMorgan said today: “When I hear the constant vilification of corporate America, I personally don’t understand it.” Actually, it’s, um, not a vilification of corporate America. It’s a vilification of YOU. You are not corporate America.
3. Did you hear about this guy in Oklahoma who was dying and confessed to a murder, but then recovered, and now is being charged with murder. This is why hypochondriacs should never have affairs. “Oh my god, I’m having a heart attack! Honey, I slept with your sister! Oh, wait. It’s just gas. What did I just say?”
4. Have you heard about this volcano in Alaska that’s about to erupt? So far, the main plan to stop it is to appease the volcano god by throwing in the entire staff of AIG.
5. Tiffany, the maker of fine jewelry, surprisingly made a profit last quarter. However, it’s mostly because more people are buying jewels after selling their other necklaces and bracelets to Cash For Gold.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
3/22
1. Protesters have been visiting the homes of AIG executives. They have a whole protest tour going on, although it’s BYOTP - Bring Your Own Torches and Pitchforks. Or toilet paper for high school kids.
2. Companies have been using bailout money to give campaign contributions. I guess this is what they meant by being committed to recycling.
3. The head of the Senate Budget Committee said that the economy would bottom out this year. But Republican leaders like Rush Limbaugh are pessimistic. Actually, they would be pretty pessimistic if the economy rebounded too, because no one would vote for them anymore.
4. Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York is supporting Obama, because if he doesn’t, we would never get re-elected.
5. The world’s cheapest car has now gone on sale in India. It has no airbags, no air conditioning, no radio, no power steering, no wheels, and no driver. Actually, technically, it’s a spoon. Here's a picture of the car. It’s not only the world’s cheapest car, but also the most expensive soap box racer.
2. Companies have been using bailout money to give campaign contributions. I guess this is what they meant by being committed to recycling.
3. The head of the Senate Budget Committee said that the economy would bottom out this year. But Republican leaders like Rush Limbaugh are pessimistic. Actually, they would be pretty pessimistic if the economy rebounded too, because no one would vote for them anymore.
4. Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York is supporting Obama, because if he doesn’t, we would never get re-elected.
5. The world’s cheapest car has now gone on sale in India. It has no airbags, no air conditioning, no radio, no power steering, no wheels, and no driver. Actually, technically, it’s a spoon. Here's a picture of the car. It’s not only the world’s cheapest car, but also the most expensive soap box racer.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
3/21
1. New Jersey has decided to not ban bikini waxes, because if there was ever a state that needed them, it’s New Jersey. There will also be no ban on New Jersey’s second most popular waxing procedure -- the monobrow wax.
2. Starbucks, Costco, and Whole Foods are trying to develop a “third way” in dealing with labor unions. For example, healthcare will be cut in half, but tasty food samples will now be included in benefits.
3. Chinese health officials now say that Johnson & Johnson baby products are safe. Well, isn’t that comforting news! If the Chinese government says they’re safe! Now I don’t have to throw away my glow-in-the-dark baby shampoo.
4. Obama said yesterday that AIG executives should spend some time in Iowa and Arkansas. Specifically, at the bottom of the Mississippi River. And maybe some time at the Field of Broken Dreams. Instead of “If you build it, he will come,” they’ll hear “Please, for the love of god, don’t build it. Stop building it.”
5. President Obama compared his bowling score with the Special Olympics, and some people at the Special Olympics are upset, because they are WAY better bowlers than Obama. Yeah, good luck getting into the Special Olympics, prez!
2. Starbucks, Costco, and Whole Foods are trying to develop a “third way” in dealing with labor unions. For example, healthcare will be cut in half, but tasty food samples will now be included in benefits.
3. Chinese health officials now say that Johnson & Johnson baby products are safe. Well, isn’t that comforting news! If the Chinese government says they’re safe! Now I don’t have to throw away my glow-in-the-dark baby shampoo.
4. Obama said yesterday that AIG executives should spend some time in Iowa and Arkansas. Specifically, at the bottom of the Mississippi River. And maybe some time at the Field of Broken Dreams. Instead of “If you build it, he will come,” they’ll hear “Please, for the love of god, don’t build it. Stop building it.”
5. President Obama compared his bowling score with the Special Olympics, and some people at the Special Olympics are upset, because they are WAY better bowlers than Obama. Yeah, good luck getting into the Special Olympics, prez!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
3/19
1. The Pope has held his first giant mass in Africa. [Show doctored photo of Pope hugging enormous African man.] That Nigerian man weighed at least 500 pounds. That is one giant mass.
2. Did you hear about this newborn baby who got abandoned on a flight to New Zealand? I didn’t even know that was a stop on this tour by Britney Spears. The airline released a statement saying that it was relieved to say that the baby had been reunited with its mother. Really? I don’t think the kid’s relieved. Actually, I think the airline is relieved, because they didn’t want to have to raise the child. He would have become a legend, roaming the air -- Sky Baby.
3. I notice there are never any quotes from AIG employees who got the bonuses. That’s because they’re all in witness relocation.
4. In Milwaukee, some jewel thieves were running away from the store, and they got robbed out on the sidewalk. Now that’s a tough neighborhood. “Look at those guys robbing that store! At least they’ll have money. Let’s get ‘em!”
5. A new report says that more babies were born in 2007 than any other year in American history. And that was before Octomom.
2. Did you hear about this newborn baby who got abandoned on a flight to New Zealand? I didn’t even know that was a stop on this tour by Britney Spears. The airline released a statement saying that it was relieved to say that the baby had been reunited with its mother. Really? I don’t think the kid’s relieved. Actually, I think the airline is relieved, because they didn’t want to have to raise the child. He would have become a legend, roaming the air -- Sky Baby.
3. I notice there are never any quotes from AIG employees who got the bonuses. That’s because they’re all in witness relocation.
4. In Milwaukee, some jewel thieves were running away from the store, and they got robbed out on the sidewalk. Now that’s a tough neighborhood. “Look at those guys robbing that store! At least they’ll have money. Let’s get ‘em!”
5. A new report says that more babies were born in 2007 than any other year in American history. And that was before Octomom.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
3/18
1. To get back some of the AIG bonus money, Congress is thinking of putting a 90% tax on it. Actually, I have a better idea. How about a 9000% tax on the bonuses? That way, we get all of our money back.
2. Mexico just put tariffs on American products because we won’t let Mexican trucks over the border. Ford and General Motors were very upset when we wouldn’t allow trucks from Mexico, since that’s where they build most of them.
3. To protest against the United States’ concern about its upcoming missile launch, North Korea has decided to stop taking food aid for its starving citizens. Yeah, that’ll teach us! This is like negotiating with a four-year-old. “You won’t let us launch missiles? Then we’ll hold our breath until we pass out!”
4. A new study shows that being severely obese is as bad for the health as smoking for a lifetime. Well, smoking can keep you slim, so I guess they balance each other out.
5. Scientists now say that chimpanzees will go to incredible lengths to get their hands on honey. Maybe Charlie Sheen is a chimp.
2. Mexico just put tariffs on American products because we won’t let Mexican trucks over the border. Ford and General Motors were very upset when we wouldn’t allow trucks from Mexico, since that’s where they build most of them.
3. To protest against the United States’ concern about its upcoming missile launch, North Korea has decided to stop taking food aid for its starving citizens. Yeah, that’ll teach us! This is like negotiating with a four-year-old. “You won’t let us launch missiles? Then we’ll hold our breath until we pass out!”
4. A new study shows that being severely obese is as bad for the health as smoking for a lifetime. Well, smoking can keep you slim, so I guess they balance each other out.
5. Scientists now say that chimpanzees will go to incredible lengths to get their hands on honey. Maybe Charlie Sheen is a chimp.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
3/17
1. Yesterday, Jessica Simpson was booed at a concert for forgetting the lyrics to some of her songs. That was surprising, because she’s usually booed for remembering them.
2. The Pope says that handing out condoms is not the answer to fight AIDS in Africa. He also said that he would like to wrap his arms around Africa. Is this why he doesn’t want them using condoms? The Pope wants to ride Africa bareback.
3. Financial analysts are happy today, because the rate of new homes being built rose by almost a quarter in February. A lot of the rise was because more apartments are being built. Yeah, you want to know why more apartments are being built. Because so many people have lost their houses! This is not a good sign.
4. A new study says that ultraviolet lights can significantly reduce tuberculosis infections. Yeah, that’s why you don’t see many TB patients who smoke pot. Millions of teenagers are telling parents that their blacklights are just for better health.
5. Scientists have found an ancient reptile whose bite could apparently destroy a Hummer. It’s already being adopted as a mascot by Greenpeace.
2. The Pope says that handing out condoms is not the answer to fight AIDS in Africa. He also said that he would like to wrap his arms around Africa. Is this why he doesn’t want them using condoms? The Pope wants to ride Africa bareback.
3. Financial analysts are happy today, because the rate of new homes being built rose by almost a quarter in February. A lot of the rise was because more apartments are being built. Yeah, you want to know why more apartments are being built. Because so many people have lost their houses! This is not a good sign.
4. A new study says that ultraviolet lights can significantly reduce tuberculosis infections. Yeah, that’s why you don’t see many TB patients who smoke pot. Millions of teenagers are telling parents that their blacklights are just for better health.
5. Scientists have found an ancient reptile whose bite could apparently destroy a Hummer. It’s already being adopted as a mascot by Greenpeace.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
A new study says that oxygen chambers may help autistic children become better at normal social interaction. Really? It didn’t do much to help Michael Jackson.
A new poll of Iraqis says that 65% feel the situation in their country is good. And 60% think things will be even better next year. Man, maybe we should move to Iraq. Of course, in another part of the poll, 67% feel they have “good access” to cooking fuel. Again, you know, it might be better if 33% of Americans didn’t have good access to cooking fuel. We’d lose a lot of weight.
A little sad news -- the recession has taken 332 people off the list of the world’s billionaires. I know, I know, it’s hard all around. And Warren Buffet has lost his place as the world’s richest person. The new number one is the guy who owns Cash for Gold.
A new study says that vegetarians have lower rates of almost every cancer except colon cancer, which as far as I’m concerned as a male, cancels out any other benefits.
The first ever pizza restaurant has now opened in North Korea. This joins the opening of a fried chicken outlet in 2007. Next year, they hope to open a donut shop. And maybe an off-track betting parlor.
One problem with the whole Bernie Madoff scandal is that investors in Madoff’s Ponzi scheme have been putting their payments in other Ponzi schemes over the years, like Social Security, Treasury bonds…
Doctors in China now say that many Chinese athletes have been faking their age. Really?! However, they say athletes are actually older than they claim. Like the Olympic Chinese female gymnasts told authorities they were only nine, but actually they were 12.
A new poll of Iraqis says that 65% feel the situation in their country is good. And 60% think things will be even better next year. Man, maybe we should move to Iraq. Of course, in another part of the poll, 67% feel they have “good access” to cooking fuel. Again, you know, it might be better if 33% of Americans didn’t have good access to cooking fuel. We’d lose a lot of weight.
A little sad news -- the recession has taken 332 people off the list of the world’s billionaires. I know, I know, it’s hard all around. And Warren Buffet has lost his place as the world’s richest person. The new number one is the guy who owns Cash for Gold.
A new study says that vegetarians have lower rates of almost every cancer except colon cancer, which as far as I’m concerned as a male, cancels out any other benefits.
The first ever pizza restaurant has now opened in North Korea. This joins the opening of a fried chicken outlet in 2007. Next year, they hope to open a donut shop. And maybe an off-track betting parlor.
One problem with the whole Bernie Madoff scandal is that investors in Madoff’s Ponzi scheme have been putting their payments in other Ponzi schemes over the years, like Social Security, Treasury bonds…
Doctors in China now say that many Chinese athletes have been faking their age. Really?! However, they say athletes are actually older than they claim. Like the Olympic Chinese female gymnasts told authorities they were only nine, but actually they were 12.
3/15
1. A new poll of Iraqis says that 65% feel the situation in their country is good. And 60% think things will be even better next year. Man, maybe we should move to Iraq. Of course, in another part of the poll, 67% feel they have “good access” to cooking fuel. Again, you know, it might be better if 33% of Americans didn’t have good access to cooking fuel. We’d lose a lot of weight.
2. The first ever pizza restaurant has now opened in North Korea. This joins the opening of a fried chicken outlet in 2007. Next year, they hope to open a donut shop. And maybe an off-track betting parlor.
3. A new study says that vegetarians have lower rates of almost every cancer except colon cancer, which as far as I’m concerned as a male, cancels out any other benefits.
4. Doctors in China now say that many Chinese athletes have been faking their age. Really?! However, they say athletes are actually older than they claim. Like the Olympic Chinese female gymnasts told authorities they were only nine, but actually they were 12.
5. A new study shows that people’s mental abilities begin to decline when they’re about 27. And in similar news, did you hear that people’s mental abilities begin to decline when they’re about 27?
2. The first ever pizza restaurant has now opened in North Korea. This joins the opening of a fried chicken outlet in 2007. Next year, they hope to open a donut shop. And maybe an off-track betting parlor.
3. A new study says that vegetarians have lower rates of almost every cancer except colon cancer, which as far as I’m concerned as a male, cancels out any other benefits.
4. Doctors in China now say that many Chinese athletes have been faking their age. Really?! However, they say athletes are actually older than they claim. Like the Olympic Chinese female gymnasts told authorities they were only nine, but actually they were 12.
5. A new study shows that people’s mental abilities begin to decline when they’re about 27. And in similar news, did you hear that people’s mental abilities begin to decline when they’re about 27?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
3/14
1. A new study says that spending time in an oxygen chamber may help children with autism become better at everyday social interaction. Really? It didn’t do much to help Michael Jackson.
2. A new satellite is being launched that will detect differences in gravity around the world. For example, gravity at the equator is stronger than at the North Pole, and it’s almost non-existent under the home of Rihanna.
3. An online auction for the first Superman comic book has gotten a top bid of $317,000. It was apparently paid for by a federal earmark.
4. The government is no longer going to call prisoners at Guantanamo Bay “enemy combatants”. Instead, they’re going to be known as “Chris Browns”.
5. Did you know that 95% of American food-processing plants are currently not inspected by regulators. 95%! You know, Eventually, China is going to be complaining about our food exports.
2. A new satellite is being launched that will detect differences in gravity around the world. For example, gravity at the equator is stronger than at the North Pole, and it’s almost non-existent under the home of Rihanna.
3. An online auction for the first Superman comic book has gotten a top bid of $317,000. It was apparently paid for by a federal earmark.
4. The government is no longer going to call prisoners at Guantanamo Bay “enemy combatants”. Instead, they’re going to be known as “Chris Browns”.
5. Did you know that 95% of American food-processing plants are currently not inspected by regulators. 95%! You know, Eventually, China is going to be complaining about our food exports.
Friday, March 13, 2009
3/13
1. One problem with the whole Bernie Madoff scandal is that investors in Madoff’s Ponzi scheme have been putting their payments in other Ponzi schemes over the years, like Social Security, Treasury bonds…
2. The Chinese premier said today that in economics, confidence is more valuable than gold. Which is why Forbes recently said that the wealthiest man in the world is Regis Philbin.
3. Tickets to Michael Jackson’s comeback concerts have sold out. Most of the tickets were sold to biologists who are excited to see if he’s become a new species yet.
4. Did you hear about these Canadian prisoners who escaped by digging a hole with nail clippers? Now isn’t that a good ad for the nail clipper company. “Think your nails are tough? Our clippers can go through brick!”
5. Switzerland has agreed to allow foreign governments greater access its secret bank accounts. In exchange, the U.S. no longer gets all the cheese that would have been in those Swiss cheese holes.
2. The Chinese premier said today that in economics, confidence is more valuable than gold. Which is why Forbes recently said that the wealthiest man in the world is Regis Philbin.
3. Tickets to Michael Jackson’s comeback concerts have sold out. Most of the tickets were sold to biologists who are excited to see if he’s become a new species yet.
4. Did you hear about these Canadian prisoners who escaped by digging a hole with nail clippers? Now isn’t that a good ad for the nail clipper company. “Think your nails are tough? Our clippers can go through brick!”
5. Switzerland has agreed to allow foreign governments greater access its secret bank accounts. In exchange, the U.S. no longer gets all the cheese that would have been in those Swiss cheese holes.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
3/12
1. Yesterday, Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to defrauding investors out of nearly $50 billion. He said that he could not adequately express his sorrow. Really? You know, the Japanese used to have a technique for that [picture above]. I think that might be a start.
2. A new study says that large necks indicate a risk of heart problems. I can already see a wave of Richard Simmons videos for “necksercise”.
3. Monkeys have now been observed teaching their children how to floss. Dentists around the world were envious.
4. Did you hear about this guy who jumped into Niagara Falls on purpose, survived, then tried to swim away? No one even knows how Bernie Madoff got there.
5. Scientists say that they could figure out what young men were thinking, just by watching blood flow to certain parts of the brain. Yeah, there’s another way to tell what young men are thinking with blood flow.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
3/11
1. A little sad news -- the recession has taken 332 people off the list of the world’s billionaires. I know, I know, it’s hard all around. Warren Buffet has lost his place as the world’s richest person. The new number one is the guy who owns Cash for Gold.
2. A new study shows that monkey mothers are more likely to deal with their children’s tantrums if there are monkeys nearby who may be irritated. These monkeys are obviously not living in the United States. However, researchers also discovered that the monkey mothers don’t do anything if they’re put inside a restaurant. So that explains it! There’s something in restaurants that changes parents!
3. The international space station is being renovated so that the crew can be expanded to six people, which means that Obama will then only have to provide jobs for another 3,399,997 people. That’s about $50 million to create three new jobs. At this rate, the stimulus will create about 15,000 jobs. All of them in space.
4. A new poll shows that mental stress among Americans is going up with the recession. Well, that’s a surprise. I would have thought people would be a lot more relaxed hanging out at home.
5. In Nigeria, there is a new ban on gay marriage that defines marriage as just living together. I guess that’s the end of Survivor going there.
2. A new study shows that monkey mothers are more likely to deal with their children’s tantrums if there are monkeys nearby who may be irritated. These monkeys are obviously not living in the United States. However, researchers also discovered that the monkey mothers don’t do anything if they’re put inside a restaurant. So that explains it! There’s something in restaurants that changes parents!
3. The international space station is being renovated so that the crew can be expanded to six people, which means that Obama will then only have to provide jobs for another 3,399,997 people. That’s about $50 million to create three new jobs. At this rate, the stimulus will create about 15,000 jobs. All of them in space.
4. A new poll shows that mental stress among Americans is going up with the recession. Well, that’s a surprise. I would have thought people would be a lot more relaxed hanging out at home.
5. In Nigeria, there is a new ban on gay marriage that defines marriage as just living together. I guess that’s the end of Survivor going there.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
3/10
1. Researchers in Sweden are very excited about a chimpanzee that planned stone attacks on zoo visitors. I bet they’re going to get a lot of school trips now, huh? [horrified teacher:] “Oh my god, Tommy got hit by a rock!” [scientist:] “That’s fantastic!” No, apparently, the attacks show that chimpanzees can plan for the future, and not just live in the present moment, which puts them one step ahead of most people on Wall Street. I hear the chimp’s already planning to write a book of financial advice. “Who Took My Stones?” Chapter Two is about how to aim them at the heads of bank CEOs. His main advice -- get them while they’re getting into their taxpayer-funded chauffeured cars.
2. Russia is now the world’s top consumer of heroin. Most of it comes from Afghanistan. This is how the Afghans are getting back at Russia for invading them in the ‘80s. In the States, we have beer and cigarettes, coffee and cigarettes -- in Russia, they do vodka and heroin. Isn’t vodka enough? They have to find more ways to kill themselves.
3. The International Monetary Fund has announced that it predicts a global recession. Aren’t we already IN a global recession? These guys really like to go out on a limb, huh? I hear they’re also predicting Barack Obama will be president.
4. Nanotechnology has now been developed that targets cancer cells. Cancer cells scoop up packages of genes that then destroy the cancer cells from the inside. Like subprime mortgages. They’re calling the packages “Chris Browns”.
5. And the giant bank Citigroup announced that it actually made a profit over the last two months. However, the news was somewhat mitigated by learning that the profit mostly came from selling employee blood.
2. Russia is now the world’s top consumer of heroin. Most of it comes from Afghanistan. This is how the Afghans are getting back at Russia for invading them in the ‘80s. In the States, we have beer and cigarettes, coffee and cigarettes -- in Russia, they do vodka and heroin. Isn’t vodka enough? They have to find more ways to kill themselves.
3. The International Monetary Fund has announced that it predicts a global recession. Aren’t we already IN a global recession? These guys really like to go out on a limb, huh? I hear they’re also predicting Barack Obama will be president.
4. Nanotechnology has now been developed that targets cancer cells. Cancer cells scoop up packages of genes that then destroy the cancer cells from the inside. Like subprime mortgages. They’re calling the packages “Chris Browns”.
5. And the giant bank Citigroup announced that it actually made a profit over the last two months. However, the news was somewhat mitigated by learning that the profit mostly came from selling employee blood.
Monday, March 9, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Did you hear about this woman driving a school bus in Michigan who was punched by one of her passengers? So that adds parole violations to the charges against Chris Brown.
The woman who swallowed her engagement ring in a milkshake has now passed the diamond out of her system. You know, Martha Stewart can do that too after swallowing lumps of coal. That’s how she paid her legal fees.
A man who lost his sight 30 years ago can now see flashes of light with a bionic eye. His wife said that “he can do a lot more now than he could before, like the washing.” Great, the one benefit from being blind, and it’s gone! So now he has all of the drawbacks, none of the benefits.
Michael Jackson has announced a series of comeback concerts. They’ll be his first concerts in 12 years. The reason for the concerts is that he realized his latest boyfriend wasn’t alive to see his last ones.
Alex Rodriguez will be out for 6-9 weeks because of hip surgery. He says the injury is not from taking steroids. In fact, it’s from tipping over… because his upper body was too heavy from steroid use.
Social networking websites like Facebook are now more popular than e-mail. Did you ever think you’d see the day when people would be nostalgic about the depth and eloquence of e-mail? “We used to write as many as six lines! Words were completely spelled out!”
The navy says that a Chinese ship harassed one of our ships yesterday. The Chinese ship followed closely, and the US ship sprayed the Chinese ship with water to drive it away. Then the sailors on the Chinese ship stripped to their underwear and kept following. This sounds like the start of a gay porn move. They weren’t harassing. They were flirting.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she and her Russian counterpart had agreed to develop a plan to reduce the two nations’ nuclear weapons. However, they didn’t announce any actual agreements. All they agreed was that they want to find agreements. But the agreement to find an agreements could not be agreed upon either, since they had no formal agreements, so they basically just kind of sniffed each other. Like bears.
The woman who swallowed her engagement ring in a milkshake has now passed the diamond out of her system. You know, Martha Stewart can do that too after swallowing lumps of coal. That’s how she paid her legal fees.
A man who lost his sight 30 years ago can now see flashes of light with a bionic eye. His wife said that “he can do a lot more now than he could before, like the washing.” Great, the one benefit from being blind, and it’s gone! So now he has all of the drawbacks, none of the benefits.
Michael Jackson has announced a series of comeback concerts. They’ll be his first concerts in 12 years. The reason for the concerts is that he realized his latest boyfriend wasn’t alive to see his last ones.
Alex Rodriguez will be out for 6-9 weeks because of hip surgery. He says the injury is not from taking steroids. In fact, it’s from tipping over… because his upper body was too heavy from steroid use.
Social networking websites like Facebook are now more popular than e-mail. Did you ever think you’d see the day when people would be nostalgic about the depth and eloquence of e-mail? “We used to write as many as six lines! Words were completely spelled out!”
The navy says that a Chinese ship harassed one of our ships yesterday. The Chinese ship followed closely, and the US ship sprayed the Chinese ship with water to drive it away. Then the sailors on the Chinese ship stripped to their underwear and kept following. This sounds like the start of a gay porn move. They weren’t harassing. They were flirting.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she and her Russian counterpart had agreed to develop a plan to reduce the two nations’ nuclear weapons. However, they didn’t announce any actual agreements. All they agreed was that they want to find agreements. But the agreement to find an agreements could not be agreed upon either, since they had no formal agreements, so they basically just kind of sniffed each other. Like bears.
3/9
1. Social networking websites like Facebook are now more popular than e-mail. Did you ever think you’d see the day when people would be nostalgic about the depth and eloquence of e-mail? “We used to write as many as six lines! Words were completely spelled out!”
2. The navy says that a Chinese ship harassed one of our ships yesterday. The Chinese ship followed closely, and the US ship sprayed the Chinese ship with water to drive it away. Then the sailors on the Chinese ship stripped to their underwear and kept following. This sounds like the start of a gay porn move. They weren’t harassing. They were flirting. It’s a fine line between stalking and flirting.
3. India’s exports have recently fallen, but that was just the cast of “Slumdog Millionaire” returning from the Oscars.
4. Did you hear that the chief coffee taster for a chain of coffeehouses has been insured for $14 million? It’s the largest insurance policy for a tongue since Gene Simmons of Kiss.
5. The giant drug companies Merck and Schering Plough will merge to form the largest drug company in the world: Scherck Plough. Schering Plough makes Dr. Scholl odor eaters and Coppertone suntan lotion. Merck is smart -- unemployed people can’t afford new shoes, they’re going to hang out in the sun a lot. These are growth industries.
2. The navy says that a Chinese ship harassed one of our ships yesterday. The Chinese ship followed closely, and the US ship sprayed the Chinese ship with water to drive it away. Then the sailors on the Chinese ship stripped to their underwear and kept following. This sounds like the start of a gay porn move. They weren’t harassing. They were flirting. It’s a fine line between stalking and flirting.
3. India’s exports have recently fallen, but that was just the cast of “Slumdog Millionaire” returning from the Oscars.
4. Did you hear that the chief coffee taster for a chain of coffeehouses has been insured for $14 million? It’s the largest insurance policy for a tongue since Gene Simmons of Kiss.
5. The giant drug companies Merck and Schering Plough will merge to form the largest drug company in the world: Scherck Plough. Schering Plough makes Dr. Scholl odor eaters and Coppertone suntan lotion. Merck is smart -- unemployed people can’t afford new shoes, they’re going to hang out in the sun a lot. These are growth industries.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
3/8
1. Alex Rodriguez will be out for 6-9 weeks because of hip surgery. He says the injury is not from taking steroids. In fact, it’s from tipping over… because his upper body was too heavy from steroid use.
2. The government is going to hand out free kits to screen for colon cancer. That sounds… uncomfortable. Some people are already doing that for fun.
3. President Obama says that the U.S. is not winning the war in Afghanistan. That’s because we never put up a “Mission Accomplished” banner! If we had done that, then everything would be fine.
4. NBC anchor Brian Williams asked viewers to send in some good news, and they did in droves. In fact, here’s one of the letters: “We have a son who is doing great things on television, trying to let people know how the world is going. Signed, Jane Williams.”
5. Melissa Rycroft, who had her engagement broken on “The Bachelor”, has now agreed to be on “Dancing with the Stars”. I guess she’s pretty serious about getting that wedding dance.
2. The government is going to hand out free kits to screen for colon cancer. That sounds… uncomfortable. Some people are already doing that for fun.
3. President Obama says that the U.S. is not winning the war in Afghanistan. That’s because we never put up a “Mission Accomplished” banner! If we had done that, then everything would be fine.
4. NBC anchor Brian Williams asked viewers to send in some good news, and they did in droves. In fact, here’s one of the letters: “We have a son who is doing great things on television, trying to let people know how the world is going. Signed, Jane Williams.”
5. Melissa Rycroft, who had her engagement broken on “The Bachelor”, has now agreed to be on “Dancing with the Stars”. I guess she’s pretty serious about getting that wedding dance.
Friday, March 6, 2009
3/6
1. Yesterday, NASA launched a spacecraft designed to find Earth-like planets orbiting other stars. It’s all part of Obama’s plan to find more affordable housing. Ship people off the planet!
2. Barack Obama will reverse a ban on stem cell research by the Bush administration. There are hopes that the research may finally lead to a world where desperate millionaire baseball players can grow muscle without having to use steroids.
3. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she and her Russian counterpart had agreed to develop a plan to reduce the two nations’ nuclear weapons. However, they didn’t announce any actual agreements. All they agreed was that they want to find agreements. But the agreement to find an agreements could not be agreed upon either, since they had no formal agreements, so they basically just kind of sniffed each other. Like bears.
4. Did you know that the University of Idaho’s sports teams are called the Vandals? What? I hear their big rivals are the Wyoming Junkies.
5. An artist in the Netherlands has set up a hotline for people to talk to God, but they have to leave a message because God doesn‘t answer. Isn’t that called praying?
2. Barack Obama will reverse a ban on stem cell research by the Bush administration. There are hopes that the research may finally lead to a world where desperate millionaire baseball players can grow muscle without having to use steroids.
3. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she and her Russian counterpart had agreed to develop a plan to reduce the two nations’ nuclear weapons. However, they didn’t announce any actual agreements. All they agreed was that they want to find agreements. But the agreement to find an agreements could not be agreed upon either, since they had no formal agreements, so they basically just kind of sniffed each other. Like bears.
4. Did you know that the University of Idaho’s sports teams are called the Vandals? What? I hear their big rivals are the Wyoming Junkies.
5. An artist in the Netherlands has set up a hotline for people to talk to God, but they have to leave a message because God doesn‘t answer. Isn’t that called praying?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
3/5
1. Did you hear about this woman driving a school bus in Michigan who was punched by one of her passengers? So that adds parole violations to the charges against Chris Brown.
2. Bad marriages apparently affect the health of women more than men. Yeah, because the men are the reason for the bad marriage! They’re fine with not talking and having someone else cook and clean.
3. A woman in New York is charged with killing her orthodontist. Millions of parents across the country have sent her letters of sympathy.
4. The woman who swallowed her engagement ring in a milkshake has now passed the diamond out of her system. You know, Martha Stewart can do that too after swallowing lumps of coal. That’s how she paid her legal fees.
5. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with Brad Pitt yesterday about raising money for housing in New Orleans. And in a fit of jealousy, the Republicans announced that they would be meeting with Jennifer Aniston.
2. Bad marriages apparently affect the health of women more than men. Yeah, because the men are the reason for the bad marriage! They’re fine with not talking and having someone else cook and clean.
3. A woman in New York is charged with killing her orthodontist. Millions of parents across the country have sent her letters of sympathy.
4. The woman who swallowed her engagement ring in a milkshake has now passed the diamond out of her system. You know, Martha Stewart can do that too after swallowing lumps of coal. That’s how she paid her legal fees.
5. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met with Brad Pitt yesterday about raising money for housing in New Orleans. And in a fit of jealousy, the Republicans announced that they would be meeting with Jennifer Aniston.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
3/4
1. A man who lost his sight 30 years ago can now see flashes of light with a bionic eye. His wife said that “he can do a lot more now than he could before, like the washing.” Great, the one benefit from being blind, and it’s gone! So now he has all of the drawbacks, none of the benefits.
2. Obama is now trying to stop companies from charging the government the cost of business plus a profit, no matter how badly they do. That makes sense, because when you go to McDonald’s, they don’t tell you: “That’ll be $12,000,001, please. A dollar for the burger and $12,000,000 for the burger maker’s sexual harassment suit.”
3. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will play together for a charity that promotes transcendental meditation in schools. Hmm, Bono is fighting to end world hunger, and the surviving Beatles are trying to get kids to say “aum”. Ringo Starr said, “People have been saying that the two crazy Beatles are now dead. It’s a pleasure to prove them wrong.”
4. You can now cross reference your electronic books between Kindle and your iPhone. I think Kindle is an unfortunate name, because any name that brings to mind using books as kindling…
5. The prime minister of Britain said to Congress today that the bond between our two countries is “unbreakable”. Unless we bomb them.
2. Obama is now trying to stop companies from charging the government the cost of business plus a profit, no matter how badly they do. That makes sense, because when you go to McDonald’s, they don’t tell you: “That’ll be $12,000,001, please. A dollar for the burger and $12,000,000 for the burger maker’s sexual harassment suit.”
3. Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will play together for a charity that promotes transcendental meditation in schools. Hmm, Bono is fighting to end world hunger, and the surviving Beatles are trying to get kids to say “aum”. Ringo Starr said, “People have been saying that the two crazy Beatles are now dead. It’s a pleasure to prove them wrong.”
4. You can now cross reference your electronic books between Kindle and your iPhone. I think Kindle is an unfortunate name, because any name that brings to mind using books as kindling…
5. The prime minister of Britain said to Congress today that the bond between our two countries is “unbreakable”. Unless we bomb them.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
3/3
1. British prime minister Gordon Brown visited the White House today. Obama said that he and Brown both have “spectacular wives and wonderful children in common”, and he should know, because they’ve occasionally swapped. They don’t know even which of them is the father. It’s like “Mamma Mia” the musical, only “Obama Mia”.
2. Michael Jackson has announced a series of comeback concerts. They’ll be his first concerts in twelve years. The reason for the concerts is that he realized his latest boyfriend wasn’t alive to see his last ones.
3. Only 7 percent of Americans are satisfied with the state of the economy, and most of them work at pawn shops.
4. In Britain, hospitals are having to remove hand-cleaning gel from reception areas, because too many people are drinking it. It apparently has 70% alcohol. And a nice minty aftertaste. If you had to choose between that and shoe polish, I’d go for the hand-cleaning gel.
5. Sharon Osbourne is being sued by a contestant on her reality show who says that Osbourne physically attacked her. Excuse me, this is a reality show. Be glad she didn’t give you tics.
2. Michael Jackson has announced a series of comeback concerts. They’ll be his first concerts in twelve years. The reason for the concerts is that he realized his latest boyfriend wasn’t alive to see his last ones.
3. Only 7 percent of Americans are satisfied with the state of the economy, and most of them work at pawn shops.
4. In Britain, hospitals are having to remove hand-cleaning gel from reception areas, because too many people are drinking it. It apparently has 70% alcohol. And a nice minty aftertaste. If you had to choose between that and shoe polish, I’d go for the hand-cleaning gel.
5. Sharon Osbourne is being sued by a contestant on her reality show who says that Osbourne physically attacked her. Excuse me, this is a reality show. Be glad she didn’t give you tics.
Monday, March 2, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Have you heard of these internet addiction centers for kids? They take them out to the woods, have them live and play together. Really? Is this how they’re selling summer camp now? I hear they also have a great program for overcoming fear of abandonment. It’s called ‘hide and go seek’.
A team of explorers is going to measure the thickness of the arctic ice to see how fast it’s melting. One sign of what they might find -- they’re bringing swimsuits.
So Will Ferrell has a show on Broadway now. As if New York City hadn’t gone through enough already.
The Jonas Brothers have released a 3D concert film. That’s a nifty trick, considering that in real life, they’re only 2D.
After two failed attempts to nominate a Commerce Secretary, Obama’s latest nominee is named Gary Locke. Locke. I think there was some subconscious decision-making on that one. The back of his mind was thinking: “We have to pick someone who will be a lock. Lock. Gary Locke!”
A new study says that smoking makes people look older. But isn’t that why most people start smoking? Be careful what you wish for.
A team of explorers is going to measure the thickness of the arctic ice to see how fast it’s melting. One sign of what they might find -- they’re bringing swimsuits.
So Will Ferrell has a show on Broadway now. As if New York City hadn’t gone through enough already.
The Jonas Brothers have released a 3D concert film. That’s a nifty trick, considering that in real life, they’re only 2D.
After two failed attempts to nominate a Commerce Secretary, Obama’s latest nominee is named Gary Locke. Locke. I think there was some subconscious decision-making on that one. The back of his mind was thinking: “We have to pick someone who will be a lock. Lock. Gary Locke!”
A new study says that smoking makes people look older. But isn’t that why most people start smoking? Be careful what you wish for.
3/2
1. Paris Hilton apparently did some pole dancing at her 28th birthday party. I guess she’s making sure if the recession takes down Hilton Hotels, she’ll still have a career.
2. Did you hear about this guy who proposed to his girlfriend and hid the ring in her milkshake? And she are the milkshake so fast, that she swallowed it. Any guy who thinks it would be romantic to put a wedding ring in a milkshake is made for a woman who eats the milkshake so fast that she swallows the ring.
3. Lots of viruses spreading on the website Facebook. Since when did becoming someone’s friend transmit disease? They’re known as FTDs -- Friendly Transmitted Diseases. FTD Flowers is going to sue us now, I know it!
4. Hillary Clinton has started her first visit to Israel, unless you count being a Senator from New York. She’s pretty used to the accent.
5. You heard the news that Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown? Yeah, but today she apparently left him for OJ Simpson.
2. Did you hear about this guy who proposed to his girlfriend and hid the ring in her milkshake? And she are the milkshake so fast, that she swallowed it. Any guy who thinks it would be romantic to put a wedding ring in a milkshake is made for a woman who eats the milkshake so fast that she swallows the ring.
3. Lots of viruses spreading on the website Facebook. Since when did becoming someone’s friend transmit disease? They’re known as FTDs -- Friendly Transmitted Diseases. FTD Flowers is going to sue us now, I know it!
4. Hillary Clinton has started her first visit to Israel, unless you count being a Senator from New York. She’s pretty used to the accent.
5. You heard the news that Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown? Yeah, but today she apparently left him for OJ Simpson.
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