1. Barack Obama’s campaign has kicked three conservative newspapers off his plane. When the newspapers complained, he said: “Hey, just be thankful we’re still on the ground.”
2. This weekend is the opening of the movie “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”, or as it’s called in the Italian government: “Auditions”.
3. Obama broadcast a half-hour infomercial last night. And tonight will be a half-hour infomercial for McCain. It’s called “Hannity & Colmes”.
4. A new study says that it’s okay for pregnant women to have one or two drinks a week. Amy Winehouse heard the news and said: “That’s great! I already only drink one or two kegs a week!”
5. A group in Great Britain is trying to break the record for the most zombies to perform the dance in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. The event will take place at the local headquarters for Apple Computers.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
10/30
1. Well, the economy surprised no one by shrinking in the last quarter. And spending really dropped for non-durable goods, like food, paper, investment banks.
2. A poet in Canada has written a book where each chapter only uses one vowel. I think we already have that in the U.S. It’s called “The Collected Press Conferences of George Bush”.
3. An Australian airliner lost its radar and had to be guided blind across the ocean. The passengers were very scared about something that had only been done for all of human history until the invention of radar.
4. Mobil Exxon recently had the biggest profit ever for a U.S. company. I think they’re hoarding up in anticipation of us storming them with pitchforks and torches.
5. In Thailand, there is a new trend for plastic clapping hands. So instead of clapping their own hands, people just shake these plastic ones. Are there any non-bizarre places left in the world? I guess this answers the question of “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
2. A poet in Canada has written a book where each chapter only uses one vowel. I think we already have that in the U.S. It’s called “The Collected Press Conferences of George Bush”.
3. An Australian airliner lost its radar and had to be guided blind across the ocean. The passengers were very scared about something that had only been done for all of human history until the invention of radar.
4. Mobil Exxon recently had the biggest profit ever for a U.S. company. I think they’re hoarding up in anticipation of us storming them with pitchforks and torches.
5. In Thailand, there is a new trend for plastic clapping hands. So instead of clapping their own hands, people just shake these plastic ones. Are there any non-bizarre places left in the world? I guess this answers the question of “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
In England, an old roller coaster was getting torn down, and underneath, they found someone’s false leg. Now, how do you forget that? “Great ride! But there’s something different now. I just can’t put my foot on it.”
Recently, it seems like there are four presidential campaigns: Barack Obama and John McCain are running for president, Sarah Palin is running for president in 2012, and Joe Biden is running for president of Mars.
This weekend is the premiere of the movie “High School Musical 3”. Disney has already made plans for “High School Musical 4 - The Glamtastic Electric Dance” -- or “G.E.D.” for short.
Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”
The new leader of the far right in Austria said that its recently deceased leader was “the man of his life” and they had a “special relationship”. What does it say about the U.S. that in Europe our politicians would be less sensitive than neo-Nazis?
It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”
A new study says that women who wear red get more attention from men. Which explains why I’m often attracted to women with ketchup stains.
A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.
A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.
A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.
An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.
The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.
Recently, it seems like there are four presidential campaigns: Barack Obama and John McCain are running for president, Sarah Palin is running for president in 2012, and Joe Biden is running for president of Mars.
This weekend is the premiere of the movie “High School Musical 3”. Disney has already made plans for “High School Musical 4 - The Glamtastic Electric Dance” -- or “G.E.D.” for short.
Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”
The new leader of the far right in Austria said that its recently deceased leader was “the man of his life” and they had a “special relationship”. What does it say about the U.S. that in Europe our politicians would be less sensitive than neo-Nazis?
It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”
A new study says that women who wear red get more attention from men. Which explains why I’m often attracted to women with ketchup stains.
A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.
A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.
A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.
An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.
The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.
10/29
1. In England, an old roller coaster was getting torn down, and underneath, they found someone’s false leg. Now, how do you forget that? “Great ride! But there’s something different now. I just can’t put my foot on it.”
2. An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.
3. A new study says that using social networking websites can actually help people at work, so they shouldn’t be punished. That’s also what I used to tell my boss about vodka.
4. The 2nd longest-serving leader in Asia has now stepped down. Maumoon Gayoom of the Maldives. The longest-serving leader is, of course, Godzilla, King of the Monsters.
5. Some minerals recently found on Mars point towards a watery past for the planet. That’s also how I used to prove to my mom that I’d taken a shower. “See this iron around my elbow?”
2. An 18-year-old in Florida was convicted of elderly abuse after getting his grandmother to say wild things on the internet that went completely against her beliefs. Next up -- the staff of John McCain.
3. A new study says that using social networking websites can actually help people at work, so they shouldn’t be punished. That’s also what I used to tell my boss about vodka.
4. The 2nd longest-serving leader in Asia has now stepped down. Maumoon Gayoom of the Maldives. The longest-serving leader is, of course, Godzilla, King of the Monsters.
5. Some minerals recently found on Mars point towards a watery past for the planet. That’s also how I used to prove to my mom that I’d taken a shower. “See this iron around my elbow?”
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
10/28
1. A new study says that women who wear red receive more attention from men. Which explains why I’m often attracted to women with ketchup stains.
2. Well, the stock market went up an incredible 10% today! You know what that means? Tomorrow, it’s going into freefall.
3. The government arrested two white supremacists for plotting to kill Barack Obama. A lot of the evidence came from one of the accused’s MySpace page. I think that should be the first thing you learn in assassination school.
4. Kim Jong Il is apparently being treated by a French brain surgeon. Now isn’t that a moral dilemma? “Oh, my bad. Didn’t mean to give you a lobotomy.”
5. Vitamin E supplements don’t lower the risk of prostate cancer. But as ravers can tell you, they do make you very happy.
2. Well, the stock market went up an incredible 10% today! You know what that means? Tomorrow, it’s going into freefall.
3. The government arrested two white supremacists for plotting to kill Barack Obama. A lot of the evidence came from one of the accused’s MySpace page. I think that should be the first thing you learn in assassination school.
4. Kim Jong Il is apparently being treated by a French brain surgeon. Now isn’t that a moral dilemma? “Oh, my bad. Didn’t mean to give you a lobotomy.”
5. Vitamin E supplements don’t lower the risk of prostate cancer. But as ravers can tell you, they do make you very happy.
Monday, October 27, 2008
10/27
1. The top movies in the country are “High School Musical 3” and “Saw”. One is about young people struggling through painful contrived situations, and the other is a horror movie.
2. A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.
3. The main newspaper of Anchorage, Alaska has endorsed Barack Obama. Their top reason for not supporting McCain: “Because we’ll miss Sarah Palin.” Awww.
4. A man on a train in France got his arm stuck in a toilet, and firefighters had to take him out with the toilet still attached. The worst part was that at least five people urinated on him. This being France, they thought it was a conceptual art piece.
5. Newly developed purple tomatoes can help keep you from getting cancer, because they remind you of what smoker’s lung looks like.
2. A new study says that suicide is linked with changes to the brain. Specifically from “cohesive” to “splattered”.
3. The main newspaper of Anchorage, Alaska has endorsed Barack Obama. Their top reason for not supporting McCain: “Because we’ll miss Sarah Palin.” Awww.
4. A man on a train in France got his arm stuck in a toilet, and firefighters had to take him out with the toilet still attached. The worst part was that at least five people urinated on him. This being France, they thought it was a conceptual art piece.
5. Newly developed purple tomatoes can help keep you from getting cancer, because they remind you of what smoker’s lung looks like.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
10/25
1. This weekend is the premiere of the movie “High School Musical 3”. Disney has already made plans for “High School Musical 4 - The Glamtastic Electric Dance” -- or “G.E.D.” for short.
2. Some people are saying that even if gas prices go back down, people’s driving habits have been changed forever. “Forever” of course, is a media slang term for “two weeks”.
3. A new study says that 4% of children in the U.S. now have a food allergy. Especially to Chinese food.
4. Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”
5. There are reports that Sarah Palin wants to strike out more on her own. How more independent does she want to get? Does she want to arm wrestle McCain?
2. Some people are saying that even if gas prices go back down, people’s driving habits have been changed forever. “Forever” of course, is a media slang term for “two weeks”.
3. A new study says that 4% of children in the U.S. now have a food allergy. Especially to Chinese food.
4. Half of doctors in the United States say that they regularly prescribe placebos to their patients. “Here’s some Viagra, but remember, to activate it, you need to watch a lot of porn.”
5. There are reports that Sarah Palin wants to strike out more on her own. How more independent does she want to get? Does she want to arm wrestle McCain?
Friday, October 24, 2008
10/24
1. The new leader of the far right in Austria said that its recently deceased leader was “the man of his life” and they had a “special relationship”. What does it say about the U.S. that in Europe our politicians would be less sensitive than neo-Nazis?
2. It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”
3. A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.
4. Sony has removed a song from a new video game because the lyrics feature two verses from the Koran. Yeah, they wouldn’t want anyone to get riled up while playing Carjack 2008.
5. The ex-king of Nepal has been told that if he doesn’t pay his bill, his electricity will be cut off. There was no comment from Con Edison.
2. It’s now been revealed that the Republicans have spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. However, they then said that the clothing would go to a “charitable purpose” after the campaign. Yeah, because if there’s anything I hear homeless people complain about, it’s not enough high heels. “Oh, I wish I had a Gucci jacket to go with my cardboard shoes.”
3. A large group of scientists is now going to research how clouds affect climate. Well, I can help you with one thing -- I hear they cause rain.
4. Sony has removed a song from a new video game because the lyrics feature two verses from the Koran. Yeah, they wouldn’t want anyone to get riled up while playing Carjack 2008.
5. The ex-king of Nepal has been told that if he doesn’t pay his bill, his electricity will be cut off. There was no comment from Con Edison.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
10/23
1. Recently, it seems like there are four presidential campaigns: Barack Obama and John McCain are running for president, Sarah Palin is running for president in 2012, and Joe Biden is running for president of Mars.
2. A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.
3. In London, an atheist organization is putting slogans on buses that read: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Yes, believing that your mind and soul will be permanently destroyed forever when you die -- that’ll make most people stop worrying.
4. The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.
5. John McCain has accused Barack Obama of backing both teams in the World Series. Good to know where our priorities are. “He says he likes butter AND margarine!” “He doesn’t care which direction his toilet paper hangs!”
2. A new study says eating fast can increase your chances of being overweight. Except in my apartment, because my roommate is a hyena. If I don’t eat fast, he’ll steal my food.
3. In London, an atheist organization is putting slogans on buses that read: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Yes, believing that your mind and soul will be permanently destroyed forever when you die -- that’ll make most people stop worrying.
4. The leader of a NATO mission to fight Somali pirates says it will be difficult, because you can’t tell who are pirates until they attack a ship. I find it’s easier if they’re playing songs by Jimmy Buffet.
5. John McCain has accused Barack Obama of backing both teams in the World Series. Good to know where our priorities are. “He says he likes butter AND margarine!” “He doesn’t care which direction his toilet paper hangs!”
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.
Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.
A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.
Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.
Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.
Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.
Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!
President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.
The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.
The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.
President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.
Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.
Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.
A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.
Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.
Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.
Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.
Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!
President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.
The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.
The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.
President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.
Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.
10/22
1. Now, you’ve heard about referees throwing games, but sometimes I think they should hide it a little better. Take a look at this video from a recent Louisiana State football game. [Show video of referee tackling the LSU QB.] I haven’t seen anything like that since a profile of Barack Obama on Fox News.
2. Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.
3. In Britain, people have learned that edible sex toys from China might be contaminated. Maybe the Chinese are just bitter about their one-child policy. “Damn it, the rest of the world needs to be scared of sex too!”
4. India is launching its first probe of the moon, in an attempt to find new audiences for Bollywood movies.
5. The McCain campaign is really hurting for cash apparently. This is true, they sent a letter to the Russian mission at the United Nations. The Russians, thankfully, declined. The McCain camp says it was a mistake, but they’ve changed directions so many times, who knows?
2. Sarah Palin visited Roswell, New Mexico yesterday, which is where people say the government is hiding alien spaceships. A spokesperson for Palin said she had a conference with the aliens who abducted the real John McCain. His android lookalike is starting to wear down.
3. In Britain, people have learned that edible sex toys from China might be contaminated. Maybe the Chinese are just bitter about their one-child policy. “Damn it, the rest of the world needs to be scared of sex too!”
4. India is launching its first probe of the moon, in an attempt to find new audiences for Bollywood movies.
5. The McCain campaign is really hurting for cash apparently. This is true, they sent a letter to the Russian mission at the United Nations. The Russians, thankfully, declined. The McCain camp says it was a mistake, but they’ve changed directions so many times, who knows?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
10/21
1. Historians say they may finally know what happened to the world’s first successful submarine. I don’t know about you, but my money’s on ‘sinking’.
2. A new study says that almost half of parents can’t recognize weight problems in their children. Maybe because they can’t even see their kids down there. “I think he’s somewhere near my knees!”
3. Apparently, an Italian airliner had a run-in with a UFO 17 years ago. Yeah, I had a UFO at an Italian restaurant once, but it turned out to be a meatball. That’s what happens when you have kids.
4. A group of scientists is going to let everyone see their genetic sequence. So now people will know if they have a tendency for blue eyes - or you could look at their faces.
5. Barack Obama is trying to get people to vote early, because he is way ahead in the polls now. “Vote now! Before you change your mind! And before I have to reveal my devil worship in November!”
2. A new study says that almost half of parents can’t recognize weight problems in their children. Maybe because they can’t even see their kids down there. “I think he’s somewhere near my knees!”
3. Apparently, an Italian airliner had a run-in with a UFO 17 years ago. Yeah, I had a UFO at an Italian restaurant once, but it turned out to be a meatball. That’s what happens when you have kids.
4. A group of scientists is going to let everyone see their genetic sequence. So now people will know if they have a tendency for blue eyes - or you could look at their faces.
5. Barack Obama is trying to get people to vote early, because he is way ahead in the polls now. “Vote now! Before you change your mind! And before I have to reveal my devil worship in November!”
Monday, October 20, 2008
10/20
1. Colin Powell has now endorsed Barack Obama, but said he regretted disappointing his longtime friend John McCain. Endorsing Obama. Calling McCain a longtime friend. All right, we get it -- you don’t like Bush!
2. A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.
3. A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.
4. Now this is bizarre, but true, a new study says the smell of farts might reduce high blood pressure. Which gives me a much better excuse. “Oh, sorry, I just thought you seemed a little stressed.”
5. Barack Obama is visiting his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Republicans immediately released this campaign ad. [Slowly zoom in on a house in the woods. Narrator: “Barack Obama says that he’s visiting his sick grandmother. Well, we remember someone else who visited a sick grandmother.” Cut to old cartoons of Red Riding Hood wolf. “Don’t be Red State Riding Hood. Stop the wolf now.” “I’m John McCain and I approve this message.”]
2. A new study shows that people with at least ten close friends are happier than other people. Maybe because if you have ten “close” friends, you’re probably in preschool.
3. A new study says if people have a warm liquid in their hands, they feel more positive towards others. So if I’m having trouble connecting with someone, I like to piss on their hands.
4. Now this is bizarre, but true, a new study says the smell of farts might reduce high blood pressure. Which gives me a much better excuse. “Oh, sorry, I just thought you seemed a little stressed.”
5. Barack Obama is visiting his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Republicans immediately released this campaign ad. [Slowly zoom in on a house in the woods. Narrator: “Barack Obama says that he’s visiting his sick grandmother. Well, we remember someone else who visited a sick grandmother.” Cut to old cartoons of Red Riding Hood wolf. “Don’t be Red State Riding Hood. Stop the wolf now.” “I’m John McCain and I approve this message.”]
Saturday, October 18, 2008
10/18
1. President Bush is going to host a big international conference to discuss the financial crisis. Yes, he’s going to gather together world leaders and ask them to please explain to him the financial crisis.
2. This weekend, Oliver Stone released his “historical” movie about President Bush. Is he fully aware that Bush is still president? Oliver Stone’s presidential biopics are coming sooner and sooner. In fact, he’s already started filming “Palin”. Yeah, I know, that won’t be until 2012, but he needs to do it now, because if he waits until Palin’s in office, all the theaters will have already been destroyed by nuclear war.
3. The government of South Korea is going to guarantee $100 billion in offshore debt by its banks. To let you know how crazy the current financial crisis is, the sanest economy on the Korean peninsula right now is North Korea.
4. O.J. Simpson’s Football Hall of Fame ring is now in a custody battle. Said Simpson, quote: [Lord of the Rings Gollum voice] “Not my precious! Bad judges can’t take away my precious!”
5. There was big news at a golf tournament in Portugal, because an official fell into a lake and had to be rescued, because he couldn’t swim. Golfers in Florida were like: “Wimp! Put some alligators in there! Then we‘ll feel sorry for you.”
2. This weekend, Oliver Stone released his “historical” movie about President Bush. Is he fully aware that Bush is still president? Oliver Stone’s presidential biopics are coming sooner and sooner. In fact, he’s already started filming “Palin”. Yeah, I know, that won’t be until 2012, but he needs to do it now, because if he waits until Palin’s in office, all the theaters will have already been destroyed by nuclear war.
3. The government of South Korea is going to guarantee $100 billion in offshore debt by its banks. To let you know how crazy the current financial crisis is, the sanest economy on the Korean peninsula right now is North Korea.
4. O.J. Simpson’s Football Hall of Fame ring is now in a custody battle. Said Simpson, quote: [Lord of the Rings Gollum voice] “Not my precious! Bad judges can’t take away my precious!”
5. There was big news at a golf tournament in Portugal, because an official fell into a lake and had to be rescued, because he couldn’t swim. Golfers in Florida were like: “Wimp! Put some alligators in there! Then we‘ll feel sorry for you.”
Friday, October 17, 2008
10/17
1. The Chinese government says that foreign journalists can continue to hold interviews without applying for permission, which now makes the Chinese government more open than the McCain campaign.
2. The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.
3. President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.
4. The tomb of the man who inspired the movie “Gladiator” has been found. And although the character in the movie has a very sad story, the real person ended up very rich and famous. Kind of like the actor who played the character in the movie.
5. A horse in Nevada is going to have his artwork in an international competition in Italy. But considering this is Italy, if he wins, the horse might be part of a new exhibit called “Heads in Beds”.
2. The Spanish airline LTE International has suspended flights immediately due to financial problems. The hardest hit were those passengers still in the air.
3. President Bush gave a speech today urging Americans to be patient with the government’s financial measures. He added: “Because we sure haven’t been! Somebody has to be adult about this, so we picked you all.” I notice he gave the speech on a Friday, because every time he reminds people that he’s still president, the market plummets.
4. The tomb of the man who inspired the movie “Gladiator” has been found. And although the character in the movie has a very sad story, the real person ended up very rich and famous. Kind of like the actor who played the character in the movie.
5. A horse in Nevada is going to have his artwork in an international competition in Italy. But considering this is Italy, if he wins, the horse might be part of a new exhibit called “Heads in Beds”.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
10/16
1. Well, it’s getting close to Halloween and the other day I walked past a house with these big demons in the windows, but in the yard was a statue of the Virgin Mary. It’s like they’re saying: “Just kidding! We’re not devil worshippers!” Or maybe they are devil worshippers, and the Mary statue is supposed to be the scary one.
2. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.
3. Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.
4. John McCain told Barack Obama last night that he is not Bush, and if Obama wanted to run against Bush, he should have done it four years ago. A lot of people corrected him: “No, he should have run against him eight years ago! Then we might not be in this mess!”
5. A new fish fossil is giving clues about how sea animals made it to land. The methods are already being studied by human smugglers.
2. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was treated for an irregular heartbeat. Yeah, he doesn’t have one.
3. Some experts say that the housing market still hasn’t hit bottom. In fact, I showed up for an open house yesterday and the real estate agent was wearing scuba gear.
4. John McCain told Barack Obama last night that he is not Bush, and if Obama wanted to run against Bush, he should have done it four years ago. A lot of people corrected him: “No, he should have run against him eight years ago! Then we might not be in this mess!”
5. A new fish fossil is giving clues about how sea animals made it to land. The methods are already being studied by human smugglers.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.
A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.
Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?
Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”
Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he won’t raise the kids as Jewish.
Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.
A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.
Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?
Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”
Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he won’t raise the kids as Jewish.
Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.
10/15
1. Today is the first-ever World Hand Washing Day. How thrilling for obsessive compulsives! Finally, a day where they can feel like everyone else. Like alcoholics on St. Patrick’s Day.
2. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he wont raise the kids as Jewish.
3. A judge in Nebraska has thrown out a lawsuit against God, because he said God’s address was unlisted. Donald Trump then called in to let them know that no, he’s listed.
4. Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
5. Well, the stock market plunged again today. The only stock that was up - medicine for sea sickness.
2. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially announced their divorce. No word on the reason, but I hear it’s because he wont raise the kids as Jewish.
3. A judge in Nebraska has thrown out a lawsuit against God, because he said God’s address was unlisted. Donald Trump then called in to let them know that no, he’s listed.
4. Last night, John McCain kept talking about Joe the Plumber -- Can Joe the Plumber afford higher taxes? Can Joe the Plumber send his kids to college? -- Has McCain had to pay a plumber bill in the last thirty years?! I think the Joe the Plumber is going to be all right. Unless he wrecks his Ferrari.
5. Well, the stock market plunged again today. The only stock that was up - medicine for sea sickness.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
10/14
1. Canada has had an election, and the conservative party is set to win, which is good because if Obama becomes president, Republicans need someplace to move to.
2. In anticipation of a government plan to bail out banks today, the stock market jumped over 900 points yesterday. However, after President Bush actually announced the plan today, the stock market began falling again. Can someone tell me again why the economy is in these people’s hands? Maybe they should get someone besides Bush to announce the plans. It’s too obvious that he has no idea what he’s talking about.
3. Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.
4. A new study says that internet use is good for improving the brains of middle aged or older people. Yeah, porn will do that. Viagra for the mind.
5. A major expedition in Antarctica is going to study a huge range of mountains buried beneath over two miles of ice. They think Bin Laden might be hiding there.
2. In anticipation of a government plan to bail out banks today, the stock market jumped over 900 points yesterday. However, after President Bush actually announced the plan today, the stock market began falling again. Can someone tell me again why the economy is in these people’s hands? Maybe they should get someone besides Bush to announce the plans. It’s too obvious that he has no idea what he’s talking about.
3. Yesterday, a man in Florida tried to pay for a meal at McDonald’s with marijuana. Police didn’t say whether it was a Happy Meal.
4. A new study says that internet use is good for improving the brains of middle aged or older people. Yeah, porn will do that. Viagra for the mind.
5. A major expedition in Antarctica is going to study a huge range of mountains buried beneath over two miles of ice. They think Bin Laden might be hiding there.
Monday, October 13, 2008
10/13
1. Ringo Starr has announced that he will no longer sign anything for fans after October 20. He says that he has way too many other things to do. Which is why he had plenty of time while he was with the Beatles.
2. American Paul Krugman has won the Nobel Prize in economics, for his work on economies of scale. And economies of scale are getting important as Americans become more obese. This is a big shift from a hundred years ago, when researchers were focusing on economies of smallpox.
3. Remember Mark Foley, the congressman who had to resign after he sent sexy messages to his assistants? Well, the congressman who took over for him has revealed that he paid $125,000 to a former mistress. I hear that the next person to run for that seat is going to be John Edwards.
4. Yet another former child star from the Brady Bunch has come out with a memoir about drug addiction. Which kid? Does it really matter anymore? When are we just going to ban children from appearing on TV? It’s obviously worse than anything else they could go through.
5. The banking system in Iceland is still frozen, which I would find more funny if I hadn’t lost so much money there.
2. American Paul Krugman has won the Nobel Prize in economics, for his work on economies of scale. And economies of scale are getting important as Americans become more obese. This is a big shift from a hundred years ago, when researchers were focusing on economies of smallpox.
3. Remember Mark Foley, the congressman who had to resign after he sent sexy messages to his assistants? Well, the congressman who took over for him has revealed that he paid $125,000 to a former mistress. I hear that the next person to run for that seat is going to be John Edwards.
4. Yet another former child star from the Brady Bunch has come out with a memoir about drug addiction. Which kid? Does it really matter anymore? When are we just going to ban children from appearing on TV? It’s obviously worse than anything else they could go through.
5. The banking system in Iceland is still frozen, which I would find more funny if I hadn’t lost so much money there.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
10/12
1. A banjo player having brain surgery played his banjo the whole time to let surgeons know that he was okay. That’s like during my prostate surgery, I spent the whole time masturbating. I can’t wait for the follow-up.
2. Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
3. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared on stage for the first time with Hillary and Bill Clinton this weekend. The Clintons are showing up now because Obama has been doing so well in the polls - and they are determined to sabotage him. “We have to stop this raging popularity!”
4. Some people are wondering if the current Obama surge will last. Well, at least it’s one surge that Obama will admit is working.
5. A 106-year-old American nun living in Rome has declared that she will vote for Barack Obama. Not because she supports his political positions, but because he looks like a very nice young man down the street. If Obama wins, she plans to go to the inauguration and offer him some Werther’s Original candies.
2. Police in San Diego just caught a man with six lobsters stuffed down his pants. Considering those claws, it’s more proof that for some people, the taste of lobster is more important than sex. The police said they noticed “odd bulges” in his pants. Guess I should never go to San Diego. I would get arrested all the time.
3. Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden appeared on stage for the first time with Hillary and Bill Clinton this weekend. The Clintons are showing up now because Obama has been doing so well in the polls - and they are determined to sabotage him. “We have to stop this raging popularity!”
4. Some people are wondering if the current Obama surge will last. Well, at least it’s one surge that Obama will admit is working.
5. A 106-year-old American nun living in Rome has declared that she will vote for Barack Obama. Not because she supports his political positions, but because he looks like a very nice young man down the street. If Obama wins, she plans to go to the inauguration and offer him some Werther’s Original candies.
Friday, October 10, 2008
10/10
1. This week, a couple in Britain paid for honeymoon airline tickets by recycling cans and bottles. My god, how much did people at their wedding drink?
2. Connecticut today overturned the stat ban on gay marriage, which means there will finally be wedding bells for senators Joe Lieberman and John McCain.
3. The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?
4. The most isolated living creature ever has been found -- bacterium living 1.74 miles below the Earth’s surface. It breaks the record for most-isolated species previously held by Kim Jong Il.
5. The federal government released new guidelines for how much people should exercise, in order to get people more in shape easier. Yay! New guidelines! Did the human body change? We’ve still got the same bodies. It doesn’t matter how many times you change the guidelines.
2. Connecticut today overturned the stat ban on gay marriage, which means there will finally be wedding bells for senators Joe Lieberman and John McCain.
3. The release date for the new Guns and Roses album has finally been set! Great! That would have made me really excited about, oh, 13 years ago. And the soda maker Dr. Pepper said in the spring that it would send a free can of soda to every American if the album came out during 2008. Who owns Dr. Pepper -- a Wall Street investment bank?
4. The most isolated living creature ever has been found -- bacterium living 1.74 miles below the Earth’s surface. It breaks the record for most-isolated species previously held by Kim Jong Il.
5. The federal government released new guidelines for how much people should exercise, in order to get people more in shape easier. Yay! New guidelines! Did the human body change? We’ve still got the same bodies. It doesn’t matter how many times you change the guidelines.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
10/9
1. Several countries in North American and Europe are now targeting pirates in Somalia. The reason? They want the pirates to give them loans. Some investment banks were trying to work with the pirates too, but the pirates wouldn’t do it. “We may be thieves,” said the pirates, “but we do have some scruples.”
2. The government has apparently been listening to the phone calls of Americans living abroad. However, the project didn’t get anywhere, because no one in the Bush Administration speaks any languages other than English.
3. Instead of getting a divorce, a couple in Cambodia have sawn their house in half. And as part of a three-hour ABC special, while they sawed through the house, in the middle stood David Blaine! Cheating death again!
4. The witnesses in Ted Steven’s corruption trial have included a senator from the Democrats, a sled dog racer, and, this is true, a man known as “Hobo Jim”. It was appropriate, because he and Stevens might be on the road together soon.
5. Next month, there is going to be a magazine cover showing Angelina Jolie breast-feeding. The subtitle is: “The second-luckiest males in America.”
2. The government has apparently been listening to the phone calls of Americans living abroad. However, the project didn’t get anywhere, because no one in the Bush Administration speaks any languages other than English.
3. Instead of getting a divorce, a couple in Cambodia have sawn their house in half. And as part of a three-hour ABC special, while they sawed through the house, in the middle stood David Blaine! Cheating death again!
4. The witnesses in Ted Steven’s corruption trial have included a senator from the Democrats, a sled dog racer, and, this is true, a man known as “Hobo Jim”. It was appropriate, because he and Stevens might be on the road together soon.
5. Next month, there is going to be a magazine cover showing Angelina Jolie breast-feeding. The subtitle is: “The second-luckiest males in America.”
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
The vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin is going to be tonight. Or as we in the joke business call it -- the swimsuit issue.
Some politicians are saying the public might support the Wall Street bailout if it wasn’t called a “bailout”. Well, isn’t that refreshingly open! “Hey, maybe they’d like it better if we lied!”
The mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, wants to change the law so he can have a third term. Man, even the mayor of New York is afraid to look for work now. “My god, I don’t even know how to use PowerPoint!”
A new study says far fewer illegal immigrants are entering the country. Apparently a lot of former Wall Street bankers are taking their jobs, since they have so much experience in laundering.
Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he doesn’t want people erecting statues of him. But without statues, what are they going to tear down when they get democracy back?
In Germany, the government is spending billions to bail out one of its banks too, a bank called Hypo Real Estate. Hypo. Don’t you think investors would have second thoughts about a bank named after hypodermic needles? Because that’s what easy credit was like -- heroin. Although my favorite bank name is a Japanese bank called, this is true, “Tomato Bank”. You know, I don’t trust any bank whose name can fit into a movie title beginning with “Attack of the Killer”.
A new study finds that people who take long sick leaves have a higher chance of dying early. Wow, really? That’s like saying people who bungee jump have a higher chance of dying from hitting the ground.
What was with the question at the vice-presidential debate about which is worse, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan. What do those have to do with each other? “Quick, which is worse: poverty in Brazil or, um, Kevin Federline?”
Some politicians are saying the public might support the Wall Street bailout if it wasn’t called a “bailout”. Well, isn’t that refreshingly open! “Hey, maybe they’d like it better if we lied!”
The mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, wants to change the law so he can have a third term. Man, even the mayor of New York is afraid to look for work now. “My god, I don’t even know how to use PowerPoint!”
A new study says far fewer illegal immigrants are entering the country. Apparently a lot of former Wall Street bankers are taking their jobs, since they have so much experience in laundering.
Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he doesn’t want people erecting statues of him. But without statues, what are they going to tear down when they get democracy back?
In Germany, the government is spending billions to bail out one of its banks too, a bank called Hypo Real Estate. Hypo. Don’t you think investors would have second thoughts about a bank named after hypodermic needles? Because that’s what easy credit was like -- heroin. Although my favorite bank name is a Japanese bank called, this is true, “Tomato Bank”. You know, I don’t trust any bank whose name can fit into a movie title beginning with “Attack of the Killer”.
A new study finds that people who take long sick leaves have a higher chance of dying early. Wow, really? That’s like saying people who bungee jump have a higher chance of dying from hitting the ground.
What was with the question at the vice-presidential debate about which is worse, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan. What do those have to do with each other? “Quick, which is worse: poverty in Brazil or, um, Kevin Federline?”
10/8
1. Police in Sudan have arrested 35 women for wearing tight pants. And in this country, they’re arresting people for wearing pants that are too baggy. Maybe we can switch. Give us your hot women in tight jeans, and we’ll send you our guys wandering around with their underwear all showing.
2. The National Debt Clock, a clock in Times Square that keeps track of the federal government’s debt, has run out of room. The national debt is now too big for the clock. So the owner had to get a new clock, but he‘s a little short on cash, so he had to borrow some.
3. The giant insurance company AIG, which got an $85 billion loan just a few weeks ago has already apparently blown through all of it. All of it! Is this place run by my in-laws?
4. In the debate last night, McCain referred to Obama as “that one”. He has taken referring to yourself in the third person to a new level. Not only is he referring to himself in the third person, he is using that as the base from which to refer to Obama.
5. Brazil is now very worried that it’s population is shrinking. You see, they’ve already cleared all this rain forest in the Amazon, so they have to put something there! What are they going to have there - native wildlife?
2. The National Debt Clock, a clock in Times Square that keeps track of the federal government’s debt, has run out of room. The national debt is now too big for the clock. So the owner had to get a new clock, but he‘s a little short on cash, so he had to borrow some.
3. The giant insurance company AIG, which got an $85 billion loan just a few weeks ago has already apparently blown through all of it. All of it! Is this place run by my in-laws?
4. In the debate last night, McCain referred to Obama as “that one”. He has taken referring to yourself in the third person to a new level. Not only is he referring to himself in the third person, he is using that as the base from which to refer to Obama.
5. Brazil is now very worried that it’s population is shrinking. You see, they’ve already cleared all this rain forest in the Amazon, so they have to put something there! What are they going to have there - native wildlife?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
10/7
1. Sarah Palin said today that she doesn’t know why Obama’s connection to the Rev. Jeremiah Wright isn’t discussed more. Does she own a television? Did she not notice the wall-to-wall coverage back when that story broke? Fox News was thinking of starting a 24-hour all-Jeremiah-Wright channel. If we had talked about it more, we wouldn’t have had time to talk about other things, like: “Here‘s your change” or “Good morning” People would starve, cities would cease to function. You think the economy is bad now? We had to stop talking about Wright for the good of the country!
2. And why don’t people discuss it more? Maybe because John McCain himself said that he didn’t want Rev. Wright to be a part of the campaign! This can mean only one thing - Sarah Palin has become a renegade vice-presidential candidate. Some piece of viral programming must have gotten into her system. When could that have happened? [Show footage of Palin meeting Dick Cheney and zero in melodramatically on them touching or seeming to touch.] Oh my god!
3. Scientists have now filmed the deepest fish ever, 4.9 miles below the surface. Man, is there nowhere safe from these paparazzi scientists? But wait, one of the scientists called the fish surprisingly cute. Maybe the fish knew they were coming. Maybe the fish are actually using the paparazzi for their own personal gain. In fact, can we see a close-up of the fish? [Show them from the back, with skirts added.] They’re not even wearing any underwear! These fish are obviously making a cry for help. They want to come out of the darkness.
4. Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.
5. Many Mexicans are upset, because the opera singer Placido Domingo is having a concert at the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza. The protesters say this degrades the history of a national landmark. Good thing we in the U.S. never have to worry about that. [Show quick montage of concerts at several major U.S. landmarks.]
2. And why don’t people discuss it more? Maybe because John McCain himself said that he didn’t want Rev. Wright to be a part of the campaign! This can mean only one thing - Sarah Palin has become a renegade vice-presidential candidate. Some piece of viral programming must have gotten into her system. When could that have happened? [Show footage of Palin meeting Dick Cheney and zero in melodramatically on them touching or seeming to touch.] Oh my god!
3. Scientists have now filmed the deepest fish ever, 4.9 miles below the surface. Man, is there nowhere safe from these paparazzi scientists? But wait, one of the scientists called the fish surprisingly cute. Maybe the fish knew they were coming. Maybe the fish are actually using the paparazzi for their own personal gain. In fact, can we see a close-up of the fish? [Show them from the back, with skirts added.] They’re not even wearing any underwear! These fish are obviously making a cry for help. They want to come out of the darkness.
4. Google is introducing a new feature where if you try to send a late-night e-mail, it will ask you a few math problems. If you can’t do them, then the program assumes you’re drunk. Which means one thing -- I have to start drinking earlier. The program has already been banned from the White House. Not because of drinking, but because Bush just couldn’t answer the questions.
5. Many Mexicans are upset, because the opera singer Placido Domingo is having a concert at the Mayan ruins of Chichen Itza. The protesters say this degrades the history of a national landmark. Good thing we in the U.S. never have to worry about that. [Show quick montage of concerts at several major U.S. landmarks.]
Monday, October 6, 2008
10/6
1. Today, the former head of the investment bank Lehman Brothers said that he takes “full responsibility for what happened.” Whew! So that means we’re off the hook for the $700 billion, right? Thanks!
2. This is true, a restaurant in Japan is now using two monkeys to serve as busboys. Man, that population decline is really starting to affect them, huh?
3. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he doesn’t want people erecting statues of him. But without statues, what are they going to tear down when they get democracy back?
4. Ford is coming out with a new car that limits teenagers to speeds of 80 miles per hour, lowers the stereo volume, and beeps if the seat belt isn’t on. Hollywood studios are already looking into buying the cars for some of their actors.
5. Apparently, the FBI used to have a special file on Evel Knievel. Now, he DID beat a former business partner with a baseball bat. But he had an excuse - apparently he forgot that for other people, broken bones hurt.
2. This is true, a restaurant in Japan is now using two monkeys to serve as busboys. Man, that population decline is really starting to affect them, huh?
3. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he doesn’t want people erecting statues of him. But without statues, what are they going to tear down when they get democracy back?
4. Ford is coming out with a new car that limits teenagers to speeds of 80 miles per hour, lowers the stereo volume, and beeps if the seat belt isn’t on. Hollywood studios are already looking into buying the cars for some of their actors.
5. Apparently, the FBI used to have a special file on Evel Knievel. Now, he DID beat a former business partner with a baseball bat. But he had an excuse - apparently he forgot that for other people, broken bones hurt.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
10/5
1. Some politicians are saying the public might support the Wall Street bailout if it wasn’t called a “bailout”. Well, isn’t that refreshingly open! “Hey, maybe they’d like it better if we lied!”
2. This weekend, presidential candidate Sarah Palin, I mean vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, said that Barack Obama “pals around” with terrorists, because he once attended an event run by a former member of the Weather Underground. It took awhile for Palin’s people to latch onto this, though, because at first she thought the Weather Underground was a group trying to get air-conditioning for the New York subways.
3. In Germany, the government is spending billions to bail out one of its banks too, a bank called Hypo Real Estate. Hypo. Don’t you think investors would have second thoughts about a bank named after hypodermic needles? Because that’s what easy credit was like -- heroin. Although my favorite bank name is a Japanese bank called, this is true, “Tomato Bank”. You know, I don’t trust any bank whose name can fit into a movie title beginning with “Attack of the Killer”.
4. In the African nation of Kenya, people are putting condoms on goats. Now, if they can do this for goats, why can’t they do it for American teenagers? Or at least the children of prominent Republicans?
5. O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbery this weekend. When the news hit the streets, police in LA got worried when a huge group of black males gathered in a park. But it just turned out to be an Obama rally. My, how times have changed.
2. This weekend, presidential candidate Sarah Palin, I mean vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, said that Barack Obama “pals around” with terrorists, because he once attended an event run by a former member of the Weather Underground. It took awhile for Palin’s people to latch onto this, though, because at first she thought the Weather Underground was a group trying to get air-conditioning for the New York subways.
3. In Germany, the government is spending billions to bail out one of its banks too, a bank called Hypo Real Estate. Hypo. Don’t you think investors would have second thoughts about a bank named after hypodermic needles? Because that’s what easy credit was like -- heroin. Although my favorite bank name is a Japanese bank called, this is true, “Tomato Bank”. You know, I don’t trust any bank whose name can fit into a movie title beginning with “Attack of the Killer”.
4. In the African nation of Kenya, people are putting condoms on goats. Now, if they can do this for goats, why can’t they do it for American teenagers? Or at least the children of prominent Republicans?
5. O.J. Simpson was found guilty of robbery this weekend. When the news hit the streets, police in LA got worried when a huge group of black males gathered in a park. But it just turned out to be an Obama rally. My, how times have changed.
Friday, October 3, 2008
10/3
1. A new study finds that people who take long sick leaves have a higher chance of dying early. Wow, really? That’s like saying people who bungee jump have a higher chance of dying from hitting the ground.
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2. What was with the question at the vice-presidential debate about which is worse, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan. What do those have to do with each other? “Quick, which is worse: poverty in Brazil or, um, Kevin Federline?”
3. There was a false anonymous report today that Steve Jobs had a heart attack. Which caused every investor in Apple to have one too. The report was on a CNN website called “Unedited. Unfiltered. News.” And. No. Sentences.
4. The government of California now says that it might have to borrow $7 billion from the federal government. I don’t know if they’ve heard, but the feds don’t have a lot of cash right now. Maybe they should be hitting up Exxon.
5. The highest-paid author in the world is - surprise - J.K. Rowling. #2 on the list is the guy who writes computer instruction manuals, because those are great works of fiction.
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2. What was with the question at the vice-presidential debate about which is worse, a nuclear Iran or an unstable Pakistan. What do those have to do with each other? “Quick, which is worse: poverty in Brazil or, um, Kevin Federline?”
3. There was a false anonymous report today that Steve Jobs had a heart attack. Which caused every investor in Apple to have one too. The report was on a CNN website called “Unedited. Unfiltered. News.” And. No. Sentences.
4. The government of California now says that it might have to borrow $7 billion from the federal government. I don’t know if they’ve heard, but the feds don’t have a lot of cash right now. Maybe they should be hitting up Exxon.
5. The highest-paid author in the world is - surprise - J.K. Rowling. #2 on the list is the guy who writes computer instruction manuals, because those are great works of fiction.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
10/2
1. The vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin is going to be tonight. Or as we in the joke business call it -- the swimsuit issue.
2. The mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, wants to change the law so he can have a third term. Man, even the mayor of New York is afraid to look for work now. “My god, I don’t even know how to use PowerPoint!”
3. A new study says far fewer illegal immigrants are entering the country. Apparently a lot of former Wall Street bankers are taking their jobs, since they have so much experience in laundering.
4. Scientists are trying to figure out why people from the super-tiny country of Andorra live longer than others. They think it’s one of three things - a healthy diet, regular exercise, or an excellent ability to forge birth certificates. When that 90-year-old gave birth to twins, I think it should have set off some warning bells.
5. A new study says that kids’ cereals are, wait for it now, full of sugar. I know, I was flabbergasted too! So forget that chemical-loaded Captain Crunch and feed your kids something more traditional, like pancakes. They won’t even miss the cereal.
2. The mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, wants to change the law so he can have a third term. Man, even the mayor of New York is afraid to look for work now. “My god, I don’t even know how to use PowerPoint!”
3. A new study says far fewer illegal immigrants are entering the country. Apparently a lot of former Wall Street bankers are taking their jobs, since they have so much experience in laundering.
4. Scientists are trying to figure out why people from the super-tiny country of Andorra live longer than others. They think it’s one of three things - a healthy diet, regular exercise, or an excellent ability to forge birth certificates. When that 90-year-old gave birth to twins, I think it should have set off some warning bells.
5. A new study says that kids’ cereals are, wait for it now, full of sugar. I know, I was flabbergasted too! So forget that chemical-loaded Captain Crunch and feed your kids something more traditional, like pancakes. They won’t even miss the cereal.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A Palestinian restaurant owner has put his menu on the security barrier between Israel and the Palestinian territories. Now, I don’t know about you, but I think if someone is spray-painting a menu on the ‘security barrier’, maybe it’s not much of a security barrier. If the night watchman at my building is on the sidewalk wearing a sandwich board -- maybe it’s time to upgrade the security.
At first, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson didn’t want to cut the giant bonuses of executives at bailed-out banks, because he thought the executives wouldn’t agree. And this is a problem because…? Are they three-year-olds? What, do they need a spanking?
You may have heard that the U.S. Navy has surrounded a large group of pirates holding hostages and demanding an enormous ransom. And the Navy says that it is not afraid to fire at Wall Street. However, the pirates may let us all go for less than the $700 billion they’ve been asking for.
Some scientists say that using air fresheners will lower life expectancy. Except in my house, where if I don’t use the air freshener after the bathroom, my life expectancy will be lowered by my wife.
The vice-presidential debate will be tomorrow, and the candidates are both preparing in their own ways. Joe Biden is brushing up on history, like how the Founding Fathers did not have helicopters. Sarah Palin is preparing at one of John McCain’s homes -- Home #34-B, if I recall. Mostly, she’s working on developing an immunity to rattlesnake venom. That way, if she’s cornered by Biden, she can just throw a rattler at him.
The stock market had a huge rebound today after yesterday’s record sell-off. In fact, the stock market has been through so many ups and downs that it’s being renamed in honor of Amy Winehouse.
Yesterday, a man tried to become the first person to cross the English Channel in a pedal-powered airship, but he failed, because it was really just a bicycle flung across the water.
At first, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson didn’t want to cut the giant bonuses of executives at bailed-out banks, because he thought the executives wouldn’t agree. And this is a problem because…? Are they three-year-olds? What, do they need a spanking?
You may have heard that the U.S. Navy has surrounded a large group of pirates holding hostages and demanding an enormous ransom. And the Navy says that it is not afraid to fire at Wall Street. However, the pirates may let us all go for less than the $700 billion they’ve been asking for.
Some scientists say that using air fresheners will lower life expectancy. Except in my house, where if I don’t use the air freshener after the bathroom, my life expectancy will be lowered by my wife.
The vice-presidential debate will be tomorrow, and the candidates are both preparing in their own ways. Joe Biden is brushing up on history, like how the Founding Fathers did not have helicopters. Sarah Palin is preparing at one of John McCain’s homes -- Home #34-B, if I recall. Mostly, she’s working on developing an immunity to rattlesnake venom. That way, if she’s cornered by Biden, she can just throw a rattler at him.
The stock market had a huge rebound today after yesterday’s record sell-off. In fact, the stock market has been through so many ups and downs that it’s being renamed in honor of Amy Winehouse.
Yesterday, a man tried to become the first person to cross the English Channel in a pedal-powered airship, but he failed, because it was really just a bicycle flung across the water.
10/1
1. The vice-presidential debate will be tomorrow, and the candidates are both preparing in their own ways. Joe Biden is brushing up on history, like how the Founding Fathers did not have helicopters. Sarah Palin is preparing at one of John McCain’s homes -- Home #34-B, if I recall. Mostly, she’s working on developing an immunity to rattlesnake venom. That way, if she’s cornered by Biden, she can just throw a rattler at him.
2. Some scientists say that using air fresheners will lower life expectancy. Except in my house, where if I don’t use the air freshener after the bathroom, my life expectancy will be lowered by my wife.
3. In India, there is now a ban on smoking in public. But I thought they wanted to reduce their population.
4. Janet Jackson has postponed her tour, because she still hasn’t decided which body part to flash. The young singers these days have upped the bar so much.
5. A new study says that without junk mail, the post office would go out of business. Yeah, now there’s a surprise. What else do they deliver these days? I’m always getting junk mail - like bank statements. You know, crazy stuff no one believes.
2. Some scientists say that using air fresheners will lower life expectancy. Except in my house, where if I don’t use the air freshener after the bathroom, my life expectancy will be lowered by my wife.
3. In India, there is now a ban on smoking in public. But I thought they wanted to reduce their population.
4. Janet Jackson has postponed her tour, because she still hasn’t decided which body part to flash. The young singers these days have upped the bar so much.
5. A new study says that without junk mail, the post office would go out of business. Yeah, now there’s a surprise. What else do they deliver these days? I’m always getting junk mail - like bank statements. You know, crazy stuff no one believes.
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