1. The New York Sun, a newspaper in New York City, closed today. Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the newspaper “smart, thoughtful, provocative, and I wish I’d read it some time.”
2. The stock market had a huge rebound today after yesterday’s record sell-off. In fact, the stock market has been through so many ups and downs that it’s being renamed in honor of Amy Winehouse.
3. When a shark grabbed a dog belonging to a man in Florida, he jumped in and punched the shark until it let go. That’s the risk of masturbating around pets. They can get tangled up in there. You have to punch the shark until your pet can get free.
4. A top former member of the CIA has admitted in court that he gave government contracts to one of his friends. And the guy’s last name is Foggo. Now, come on, let’s cut him some slack. With a last name like that, what other field could he have gone into?
5. A member of the Russian army is being sent to Siberia after making rap videos that complain about his barracks in western Russia. In the video, he asks why he never got a response to his previous complaints. Well, be careful what you wish for.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
9/29
1. Scientists have begun a new study to learn more about beaked whales, one of the most little-understood animals on the planet. The press has been very interested in the techniques that the scientists are using with these elusive creatures, because they may be able to do the same with Sarah Palin.
2. You may have heard that the U.S. Navy has surrounded a large group of pirates holding hostages and demanding an enormous ransom. And the Navy says that it is not afraid to fire at Wall Street. However, the pirates may let us all go for less than the $700 billion they’ve been asking for.
3. The House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout today. Some Republicans said they voted against it because their feelings were hurt by a speech from the Speaker of the House. Great. I think maybe you need a nap. And no cookies.
4. Heather Locklear was arrested for drunk driving yesterday, after spending some time in a mental ward. Who would have thought the day would come when it looked like Tommy Lee made the right choice in that break-up. Or is that to far back for all of you to remember?
5. A new study says that people who have had heart problems should be regularly checked for depression, because the depression can lead to more heart problems. But what if the thing that’s depressing you is the reason you had the heart attack in the first place. “My daughter is marrying who?!”
2. You may have heard that the U.S. Navy has surrounded a large group of pirates holding hostages and demanding an enormous ransom. And the Navy says that it is not afraid to fire at Wall Street. However, the pirates may let us all go for less than the $700 billion they’ve been asking for.
3. The House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout today. Some Republicans said they voted against it because their feelings were hurt by a speech from the Speaker of the House. Great. I think maybe you need a nap. And no cookies.
4. Heather Locklear was arrested for drunk driving yesterday, after spending some time in a mental ward. Who would have thought the day would come when it looked like Tommy Lee made the right choice in that break-up. Or is that to far back for all of you to remember?
5. A new study says that people who have had heart problems should be regularly checked for depression, because the depression can lead to more heart problems. But what if the thing that’s depressing you is the reason you had the heart attack in the first place. “My daughter is marrying who?!”
Sunday, September 28, 2008
9/28
1. At one point during the negotiations over the $700 billion Wall Street bailout, Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson suffered what is being described as a “woozy spell”. Yeah, join the club.
2. Yesterday, a man tried to become the first person to cross the English Channel in a pedal-powered airship, but he failed, because it was really just a bicycle flung across the water.
3. A hurricane hit eastern Canada last night, the first since a visit home by Celine Dion.
4. Heather Locklear got picked up for drunk driving. It was apparently just an initiation into the local Actor’s Guild.
5. A new worldwide poll says that the U.S. war on terror is not weakening al-Qaeda. Of course, the poll also found that most people around the world think that evolution isn’t true.
2. Yesterday, a man tried to become the first person to cross the English Channel in a pedal-powered airship, but he failed, because it was really just a bicycle flung across the water.
3. A hurricane hit eastern Canada last night, the first since a visit home by Celine Dion.
4. Heather Locklear got picked up for drunk driving. It was apparently just an initiation into the local Actor’s Guild.
5. A new worldwide poll says that the U.S. war on terror is not weakening al-Qaeda. Of course, the poll also found that most people around the world think that evolution isn’t true.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
9/27
1. At first, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson didn’t want to cut the giant bonuses of executives at bailed-out banks, because he thought the executives wouldn’t agree. And this is a problem because…? Are they three-year-olds? What, do they need a spanking?
2. A group of mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a new prime number 13 million digits long. A prime number can only be divided by one and itself - like 700 billion, because it’s only going to be divided by the Secretary of the Treasury.
3. A man in Brazil has gotten nearly $2 million in traffic fines. The problem started because he used to work at the United Nations, and when he returned to Brazil, he forgot that he had to start paying tickets again.
4. Scientists have found that people who feel lonely also feel physically colder than others. This is why people are becoming more isolated -- air conditioning.
5. Last night, the founder of the mildly successful food company Newman’s Own died. Among his many hobbies were car racing and acting.
2. A group of mathematicians at UCLA have discovered a new prime number 13 million digits long. A prime number can only be divided by one and itself - like 700 billion, because it’s only going to be divided by the Secretary of the Treasury.
3. A man in Brazil has gotten nearly $2 million in traffic fines. The problem started because he used to work at the United Nations, and when he returned to Brazil, he forgot that he had to start paying tickets again.
4. Scientists have found that people who feel lonely also feel physically colder than others. This is why people are becoming more isolated -- air conditioning.
5. Last night, the founder of the mildly successful food company Newman’s Own died. Among his many hobbies were car racing and acting.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
9/25
1. Some compromises were made last night in negotiating the giant Wall Street bailout. For example, the Bush Administration agreed to cut executive pay at companies getting bailed out. And Congress agreed that the bill should only pay for one Lawrence Welk museum. Man, they’re always trying to sneak weird things into bills.
2. The bank Washington Mutual went under yesterday. They were in enormous debt, their reputation was shot, and no one trusted them with their money anymore. That’s why they’re called Washington Mutual, because they’re feeling mutual with Washington.
3. In Canada, a Canadian man was found guilty of being part of a plot to storm into the parliament and behead the prime minister. That wouldn’t really change much. Most of the important Canadians live in the U.S.
4. A Palestinian restaurant owner has put his menu on the security barrier between Israel and the Palestinian territories. Now, I don’t know about you, but I think if someone is spray-painting a menu on the ‘security barrier’, maybe it’s not much of a security barrier. If the night watchman at my building is on the sidewalk wearing a sandwich board -- maybe it’s time to upgrade the security.
5. Two pilots who fell asleep during the landing of their airliner are going to be allowed to fly again. I guess the airlines really are hurting for cash. “You’ll work for airline food? You’re hired!”
2. The bank Washington Mutual went under yesterday. They were in enormous debt, their reputation was shot, and no one trusted them with their money anymore. That’s why they’re called Washington Mutual, because they’re feeling mutual with Washington.
3. In Canada, a Canadian man was found guilty of being part of a plot to storm into the parliament and behead the prime minister. That wouldn’t really change much. Most of the important Canadians live in the U.S.
4. A Palestinian restaurant owner has put his menu on the security barrier between Israel and the Palestinian territories. Now, I don’t know about you, but I think if someone is spray-painting a menu on the ‘security barrier’, maybe it’s not much of a security barrier. If the night watchman at my building is on the sidewalk wearing a sandwich board -- maybe it’s time to upgrade the security.
5. Two pilots who fell asleep during the landing of their airliner are going to be allowed to fly again. I guess the airlines really are hurting for cash. “You’ll work for airline food? You’re hired!”
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
So yesterday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aaarrrr. So I spoke with everyone in Somali.
Did you see the first lady of France playing guitar on TV with Metallica? In contrast, the only heavy metal Laura Bush had contact with recently was from the water in China.
One of the owners of Google started a blog today. Wow, I hope it does well, so he can get out of that little Internet start-up he’s running. This will look good on his resume.
In Australia, scientists have found a new species of crab. The scientists were thrilled, because they’d almost run out of things to barbecue.
Construction workers for the World Cup in South Africa are getting free tickets. In a similar gesture, construction workers at the new Yankees stadium will get free tickets to the Mets. That way, they can watch a winning team.
The veteran heavy metal band Metallica had the number-one selling CD in the country. Why? Because the only people buying albums anymore are in their forties. The second-best selling CD was an audio book about menopause.
A bar in Australia is offering free drinks to any woman who takes off her underwear. Now there’s a surprise. Wouldn’t that happen in any bar?
The new prime minister of Japan, Taro Aso, apparently loves comic books. Man, too bad Bush is leaving now! They could have bonded so well. You know, in Japan, they have comic books about everything -- even teaching economics. Bush was really excited to hear that. “I can learn about the economy from a comic book! How do I get to this ‘Jap-pan’?”
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson says there should be no punishment for banks like Goldman Sachs. Hmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with him being the former CEO of GOLDMAN SACHS?!
Did you hear there’s a company coming out with three-ply toilet paper? Not to be outdone, Charmin unveiled its new toilet paper, simply called ‘The Tree’. It consists of an entire tree. I recommend the willow version as opposed to the pine. Charmin hopes to have most of the U.S. deforested by the end of the year.
Did you see the first lady of France playing guitar on TV with Metallica? In contrast, the only heavy metal Laura Bush had contact with recently was from the water in China.
One of the owners of Google started a blog today. Wow, I hope it does well, so he can get out of that little Internet start-up he’s running. This will look good on his resume.
In Australia, scientists have found a new species of crab. The scientists were thrilled, because they’d almost run out of things to barbecue.
Construction workers for the World Cup in South Africa are getting free tickets. In a similar gesture, construction workers at the new Yankees stadium will get free tickets to the Mets. That way, they can watch a winning team.
The veteran heavy metal band Metallica had the number-one selling CD in the country. Why? Because the only people buying albums anymore are in their forties. The second-best selling CD was an audio book about menopause.
A bar in Australia is offering free drinks to any woman who takes off her underwear. Now there’s a surprise. Wouldn’t that happen in any bar?
The new prime minister of Japan, Taro Aso, apparently loves comic books. Man, too bad Bush is leaving now! They could have bonded so well. You know, in Japan, they have comic books about everything -- even teaching economics. Bush was really excited to hear that. “I can learn about the economy from a comic book! How do I get to this ‘Jap-pan’?”
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson says there should be no punishment for banks like Goldman Sachs. Hmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with him being the former CEO of GOLDMAN SACHS?!
Did you hear there’s a company coming out with three-ply toilet paper? Not to be outdone, Charmin unveiled its new toilet paper, simply called ‘The Tree’. It consists of an entire tree. I recommend the willow version as opposed to the pine. Charmin hopes to have most of the U.S. deforested by the end of the year.
9/24
1. The new prime minister of Japan, Taro Aso, apparently loves comic books. Man, too bad Bush is leaving now! They could have bonded so well. You know, in Japan, they have comic books about everything -- even teaching economics. Bush was really excited to hear that. “I can learn about the economy from a comic book! How do I get to this ‘Jap-pan’?”
2. Both presidential candidates vowed to enter the debate over the bailout plan in Congress, because if there’s anything that brings quick decisive honest behavior in Washington, it’s a presidential campaign.
3. John McCain wants to postpone the debates until Congress figures out a plan to stop Wall Street excesses. Which means that the debates will be held some time around the year 3000.
4. Half of people who have e-mail at work check those accounts on the weekends at home. Which makes sense, because they’re checking their personal accounts while at work, so it all balances out.
5. The great investor Warren Buffet has bought $5 billion worth of Goldman Sachs stock. The Wizard of Omaha bailing out Wall Street. New York is becoming flyover country.
2. Both presidential candidates vowed to enter the debate over the bailout plan in Congress, because if there’s anything that brings quick decisive honest behavior in Washington, it’s a presidential campaign.
3. John McCain wants to postpone the debates until Congress figures out a plan to stop Wall Street excesses. Which means that the debates will be held some time around the year 3000.
4. Half of people who have e-mail at work check those accounts on the weekends at home. Which makes sense, because they’re checking their personal accounts while at work, so it all balances out.
5. The great investor Warren Buffet has bought $5 billion worth of Goldman Sachs stock. The Wizard of Omaha bailing out Wall Street. New York is becoming flyover country.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
9/23
1. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson says there should be no punishment for banks like Goldman Sachs. Hmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with him being the former CEO of GOLDMAN SACHS?!
2. One of the biggest-ever diamonds has been found in a South African mine. The only bigger recent diamond was found in the fist of Sarah Palin after she visited a coal mine.
3. There’s a new trend for women to have cosmetic surgery on their vaginas. However, most of them are just contestants on “American Idol”. They’re getting ready for the paparazzi.
4. President Bush said that he was peppered with questions about the Wall Street bailout at the United Nations. Of course, by Bush standards, that means someone whispered a question to an aide from about fifty feet away. For Bush, that’s like: “Oh my god! Ease up! One at a time!”
5. At the World Trade Center site, construction workers have dug up rock formations carved by glaciers in the last Ice Age. There is no record of why people wanted to do that during the reign of rappers Vanilla Ice and Ice-T.
2. One of the biggest-ever diamonds has been found in a South African mine. The only bigger recent diamond was found in the fist of Sarah Palin after she visited a coal mine.
3. There’s a new trend for women to have cosmetic surgery on their vaginas. However, most of them are just contestants on “American Idol”. They’re getting ready for the paparazzi.
4. President Bush said that he was peppered with questions about the Wall Street bailout at the United Nations. Of course, by Bush standards, that means someone whispered a question to an aide from about fifty feet away. For Bush, that’s like: “Oh my god! Ease up! One at a time!”
5. At the World Trade Center site, construction workers have dug up rock formations carved by glaciers in the last Ice Age. There is no record of why people wanted to do that during the reign of rappers Vanilla Ice and Ice-T.
Monday, September 22, 2008
9/22
1. This weekend, the last two big investment banks on Wall Street changed to commercial banks, so now [happy voice] regular people can open accounts there! Wonderful! Show of hands, how many people here want to do that? Do they think people are reading the news, going: “Oh yeah, give me a piece of that! Now these are the people who should have my money!” And hey, what about that $700 billion we just gave you? Wasn’t that enough? The least you could do is give us all toasters.
2. So this $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street is going to be completely run by the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson. $700 billion of taxpayer money in the hands of a single man who didn‘t earn it. You know what they call that in Washington? Lunch.
3. The price of oil had it’s biggest one-day price jump ever today. Great, I was hoping for that $700 billion maybe I’d get a free tank of gas. After getting screwed, I like to at least get a ride home.
4. A new study shows that sexist men earn a lot more money than non-sexist men. So when I went into my boss’s office today for a raise, I said: “These damn women today want too much! It should be a man‘s world!” I didn’t get the raise, though, because my boss is a woman. That part wasn’t in the study.
5. Scientists have discovered that smelling roses while you’re asleep can inspire happier dreams. That explains why married women don’t get much sleep.
2. So this $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street is going to be completely run by the Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson. $700 billion of taxpayer money in the hands of a single man who didn‘t earn it. You know what they call that in Washington? Lunch.
3. The price of oil had it’s biggest one-day price jump ever today. Great, I was hoping for that $700 billion maybe I’d get a free tank of gas. After getting screwed, I like to at least get a ride home.
4. A new study shows that sexist men earn a lot more money than non-sexist men. So when I went into my boss’s office today for a raise, I said: “These damn women today want too much! It should be a man‘s world!” I didn’t get the raise, though, because my boss is a woman. That part wasn’t in the study.
5. Scientists have discovered that smelling roses while you’re asleep can inspire happier dreams. That explains why married women don’t get much sleep.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
9/20
1. So yesterday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aaarrrr. So I spoke with everyone in Somali.
2. In Lancaster, California, this is true, a section of road was built so that when you drove over the grooves in the road, they played the Lone Ranger theme. Did you know that the same thing was recently done on Wall Street too, but it’s hard to hear over all the screaming.
3. George Michael was arrested yesterday for possession of what the British police call Class A and Class C drugs. I’m interested in this Class A and C stuff. Class A is like marijuana, but Class C is like crack cocaine. And Class D would be like internet porn.
4. If she becomes vice president, Sarah Palin is going to have to figure out how to deal with devious foreign leaders, to be able to hide her motives and use strategy. But so far, she can’t seem to create an email password better than her son’s name. [generic foreign accent] “So, how did you finally crack the president’s secret code?” “Well, we put in the word ‘password’. And voila!”
5. Former British prime minister Tony Blair has begun what’s being described as a professional lecturing role. But didn’t he always have a lecturing role? “Now people, how many times do I have to explain this?”
2. In Lancaster, California, this is true, a section of road was built so that when you drove over the grooves in the road, they played the Lone Ranger theme. Did you know that the same thing was recently done on Wall Street too, but it’s hard to hear over all the screaming.
3. George Michael was arrested yesterday for possession of what the British police call Class A and Class C drugs. I’m interested in this Class A and C stuff. Class A is like marijuana, but Class C is like crack cocaine. And Class D would be like internet porn.
4. If she becomes vice president, Sarah Palin is going to have to figure out how to deal with devious foreign leaders, to be able to hide her motives and use strategy. But so far, she can’t seem to create an email password better than her son’s name. [generic foreign accent] “So, how did you finally crack the president’s secret code?” “Well, we put in the word ‘password’. And voila!”
5. Former British prime minister Tony Blair has begun what’s being described as a professional lecturing role. But didn’t he always have a lecturing role? “Now people, how many times do I have to explain this?”
Friday, September 19, 2008
9/19
1. Did you see the first lady of France playing guitar on TV with Metallica? In contrast, the only heavy metal Laura Bush had contact with recently was from the water in China.
2. The movie studio DreamWorks is now going to be backed by an Indian entertainment company. However, the Indian company made Steven Spielberg do a few changes to his old films. Can we run that new clip from “E.T.”? [Show clip of E.T. shuffling with a dress and make-up, but with a Hindi song coming out of his mouth and Bollywood-style dancing aliens added to the background.]
3. Microsoft has cancelled its ad campaign with Jerry Seinfeld, after paying him $10 million. $10 million! With that experience, maybe he could run an investment bank.
4. In Australia, scientists have found a new species of crab. The scientists were thrilled, because they’d almost run out of things to barbecue.
5. One of the owners of Google started a blog today. Wow, I hope it does well, so he can get out of that little Internet start-up he’s running. This will look good on his resume.
2. The movie studio DreamWorks is now going to be backed by an Indian entertainment company. However, the Indian company made Steven Spielberg do a few changes to his old films. Can we run that new clip from “E.T.”? [Show clip of E.T. shuffling with a dress and make-up, but with a Hindi song coming out of his mouth and Bollywood-style dancing aliens added to the background.]
3. Microsoft has cancelled its ad campaign with Jerry Seinfeld, after paying him $10 million. $10 million! With that experience, maybe he could run an investment bank.
4. In Australia, scientists have found a new species of crab. The scientists were thrilled, because they’d almost run out of things to barbecue.
5. One of the owners of Google started a blog today. Wow, I hope it does well, so he can get out of that little Internet start-up he’s running. This will look good on his resume.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
9/18
1. Construction workers for the World Cup in South Africa are getting free tickets. In a similar gesture, construction workers at the new Yankees stadium will get free tickets to the Mets. That way, they can watch a winning team.
2. The veteran heavy metal band Metallica had the number-one selling CD in the country. Why? Because the only people buying albums anymore are in their forties. The second-best selling CD was an audio book about menopause.
3. A bar in Australia is offering free drinks to any woman who takes off her underwear. Now there’s a surprise. Wouldn’t that happen in any bar?
4. Did you hear there’s a company coming out with three-ply toilet paper? Not to be outdone, Charmin unveiled its new toilet paper, simply called ‘The Tree’. It consists of an entire tree. I recommend the willow version as opposed to the pine. Charmin hopes to have most of the U.S. deforested by the end of the year.
5. A new international study at hospitals is going to try to see if near-death experiences, like seeing a bright light, actually occur. They should ask the people running John McCain‘s campaign.
2. The veteran heavy metal band Metallica had the number-one selling CD in the country. Why? Because the only people buying albums anymore are in their forties. The second-best selling CD was an audio book about menopause.
3. A bar in Australia is offering free drinks to any woman who takes off her underwear. Now there’s a surprise. Wouldn’t that happen in any bar?
4. Did you hear there’s a company coming out with three-ply toilet paper? Not to be outdone, Charmin unveiled its new toilet paper, simply called ‘The Tree’. It consists of an entire tree. I recommend the willow version as opposed to the pine. Charmin hopes to have most of the U.S. deforested by the end of the year.
5. A new international study at hospitals is going to try to see if near-death experiences, like seeing a bright light, actually occur. They should ask the people running John McCain‘s campaign.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
You know Nigerian scam letters? Where somebody claims to have a gajillion dollars and will give you some if you help them? Well, this is true, I got a Nigerian scam letter today saying that a special commission has been set up to pay victims of Nigerian scam letters! It blew my mind! It was like the sound of one hand clapping. The Nigerian scam letter has gone post-modern. This scam letter is going on and on about how people who write scam letters are horrible… so please send us money. It kind of sounds like John McCain. “Those damn Republicans! Let’s show those Republicans in Washington by… voting Republican!” Actually, these days the Republicans kind of remind me of a Nigerian scam letter: promise everything, deliver nothing, and do it with bad grammar.
Scientists have now found a planet that circles a star similar to our sun. It’s eight times the size of Jupiter, or roughly half the size of a dinner special at the Olive Garden.
President Bush delayed a speech about the economy after the government took over the giant insurance company AIG. Ironically, that’s about what the president was going to say. “Hey, I, gee…”
Today, Sarah Palin was asked for specific details about how she would cut the budget. She said that first they could fire some of the White House gardeners, because she could take care of shooting the gophers.
The House of Representatives passed a bill last night making it easier to do offshore oil drilling. The bill was delayed, though, because as they were signing it, one of the pens broke and ink leaked all over it.
George Takei, who played Sulu on the original Star Trek, got married yesterday to his male partner. However, we didn’t get the name of his partner, so tragically, like most unnamed characters in Star Trek, he was almost immediately eaten by an alien.
More men are getting anorexia, and a big problem is that they’re embarrassed about having a ’women’s disease’. So the BBC is having a documentary called (true): “Revealed… Manorexia”. Yeah, that’s going to make men more comfortable. What’s next? Bro-limia?
A new study says that sharing a bed with a woman can make men less intelligent. So now men have an even better excuse for going off to the living room to play video games. “I’m so sorry, but I have a big meeting tomorrow.”
There are now a record number of people in Japan over the age of 100, although the United States has the highest total in the world. Researchers said that the long Japanese lifespans are based on nutritious diets and a good health care system. So why does the United States have so many?
General Petraeus said today that because of the complexity of the Iraq War, he would never be comfortable using the word “victory” there. Well, now we know one thing for sure -- he’s not going to be running for office.
Bill Clinton said he’ll do whatever he’s asked by Barack Obama. He then rented a house in Antarctica until the election is over.
Scientists have now found a planet that circles a star similar to our sun. It’s eight times the size of Jupiter, or roughly half the size of a dinner special at the Olive Garden.
President Bush delayed a speech about the economy after the government took over the giant insurance company AIG. Ironically, that’s about what the president was going to say. “Hey, I, gee…”
Today, Sarah Palin was asked for specific details about how she would cut the budget. She said that first they could fire some of the White House gardeners, because she could take care of shooting the gophers.
The House of Representatives passed a bill last night making it easier to do offshore oil drilling. The bill was delayed, though, because as they were signing it, one of the pens broke and ink leaked all over it.
George Takei, who played Sulu on the original Star Trek, got married yesterday to his male partner. However, we didn’t get the name of his partner, so tragically, like most unnamed characters in Star Trek, he was almost immediately eaten by an alien.
More men are getting anorexia, and a big problem is that they’re embarrassed about having a ’women’s disease’. So the BBC is having a documentary called (true): “Revealed… Manorexia”. Yeah, that’s going to make men more comfortable. What’s next? Bro-limia?
A new study says that sharing a bed with a woman can make men less intelligent. So now men have an even better excuse for going off to the living room to play video games. “I’m so sorry, but I have a big meeting tomorrow.”
There are now a record number of people in Japan over the age of 100, although the United States has the highest total in the world. Researchers said that the long Japanese lifespans are based on nutritious diets and a good health care system. So why does the United States have so many?
General Petraeus said today that because of the complexity of the Iraq War, he would never be comfortable using the word “victory” there. Well, now we know one thing for sure -- he’s not going to be running for office.
Bill Clinton said he’ll do whatever he’s asked by Barack Obama. He then rented a house in Antarctica until the election is over.
9/17
1. In a new poll, 75% of Americans said they thought John McCain only picked Sarah Palin in order to win the election. The poll didn’t actually find out what the other 25% thought, because before they could be asked, they started shooting at the poll taker.
2. President Bush delayed a speech about the economy after the government took over the giant insurance company AIG. Ironically, that’s about what the president was going to say. “Hey, I, gee…”
3. Today, Sarah Palin was asked for specific details about how she would cut the budget. She said that first they could fire some of the White House gardeners, because she could take care of shooting the gophers.
4. The House of Representatives passed a bill last night making it easier to do offshore oil drilling. The bill was delayed, though, because as they were signing it, one of the pens broke and ink leaked all over it.
5. At the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas, this is true, the court has built a replica of the hotel room where Simpson allegedly committed the robbery. It’s not for the trial, but to raise money from tourists. They’ve already installed some slot machines. Because that’s how jurors seem to figure out if OJ is guilty.
2. President Bush delayed a speech about the economy after the government took over the giant insurance company AIG. Ironically, that’s about what the president was going to say. “Hey, I, gee…”
3. Today, Sarah Palin was asked for specific details about how she would cut the budget. She said that first they could fire some of the White House gardeners, because she could take care of shooting the gophers.
4. The House of Representatives passed a bill last night making it easier to do offshore oil drilling. The bill was delayed, though, because as they were signing it, one of the pens broke and ink leaked all over it.
5. At the OJ Simpson trial in Las Vegas, this is true, the court has built a replica of the hotel room where Simpson allegedly committed the robbery. It’s not for the trial, but to raise money from tourists. They’ve already installed some slot machines. Because that’s how jurors seem to figure out if OJ is guilty.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
9/16
1. You know Nigerian scam letters? Where somebody claims to have a gajillion dollars and will give you some if you help them? Well, this is true, I got a Nigerian scam letter today saying that a special commission has been set up to pay victims of Nigerian scam letters! It blew my mind! It was like the sound of one hand clapping. The Nigerian scam letter has gone post-modern. This scam letter is going on and on about how people who write scam letters are horrible… so please send us money. It kind of sounds like John McCain. “Those damn Republicans! Let’s show those Republicans in Washington by… voting Republican!” Actually, these days the Republicans kind of remind me of a Nigerian scam letter: promise everything, deliver nothing, and do it with bad grammar.
2. A new study is trying to see if criminals behave better if they get more vitamins. Unfortunately, the program hit a snag when most of the criminals went to the black market and sold their vitamins. Worse, they pretended they were Viagra.
3. Scientists have now found a planet that circles a star similar to our sun. It’s eight times the size of Jupiter, or roughly half the size of a dinner special at the Olive Garden.
4. The Arctic sea ice did not hit a record low this year, though it was close. The extra ice was the ocean trying to protect itself from future oil drilling.
5. In Israel, the government is going to use DNA testing in dog crap on the street to find out who the owners are. In the U.S., investigators are using the same technique now around Wall Street.
2. A new study is trying to see if criminals behave better if they get more vitamins. Unfortunately, the program hit a snag when most of the criminals went to the black market and sold their vitamins. Worse, they pretended they were Viagra.
3. Scientists have now found a planet that circles a star similar to our sun. It’s eight times the size of Jupiter, or roughly half the size of a dinner special at the Olive Garden.
4. The Arctic sea ice did not hit a record low this year, though it was close. The extra ice was the ocean trying to protect itself from future oil drilling.
5. In Israel, the government is going to use DNA testing in dog crap on the street to find out who the owners are. In the U.S., investigators are using the same technique now around Wall Street.
Monday, September 15, 2008
9/15
1. Scientists are afraid that the oceans are becoming too noisy for whales. For example, here’s a recording from a microphone placed waaay out in the Atlantic. [sounds of seawater and screams] Man, those guys are really upset on Wall Street today!
2. Do you know why they call it Wall Street? Because that’s what bankers are butting their heads against. “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”
3. George Takei, who played Sulu on the original Star Trek, got married yesterday to his male partner. However, we didn’t get the name of his partner, so tragically, like most unnamed characters in Star Trek, he was almost immediately eaten by an alien.
4. And Bank of America bought the investment bank Merrill Lynch. Man, when they say “Bank of America”, they’re really starting to mean it.
5. A new study says that clean living can reduce the aging of your cells. That’s why after you smoke, you should always take a shower.
2. Do you know why they call it Wall Street? Because that’s what bankers are butting their heads against. “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”
3. George Takei, who played Sulu on the original Star Trek, got married yesterday to his male partner. However, we didn’t get the name of his partner, so tragically, like most unnamed characters in Star Trek, he was almost immediately eaten by an alien.
4. And Bank of America bought the investment bank Merrill Lynch. Man, when they say “Bank of America”, they’re really starting to mean it.
5. A new study says that clean living can reduce the aging of your cells. That’s why after you smoke, you should always take a shower.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
9/13
1. A new study says that the scent of lavender can make people less nervous at the dentist. Yeah, unless lavender was your ex-girlfriend’s perfume. “Is that Michelle under that mask? Did she put you up to using that hook?” Although, maybe lavender will make them less stressed at the dentist, because it will remind them that there are worse places they could be.
2. More men are getting anorexia, and a big problem is that they’re embarrassed about having a ’women’s disease’. So the BBC is having a documentary called (true): “Revealed… Manorexia”. Yeah, that’s going to make men more comfortable. What’s next? Bro-limia?
3. The Pope held a huge mass in Paris yesterday. This is the first time that he has been to France since becoming Pope. He’s been to Australia, but not to France, which right across the border. That sounds like some friends of mine in New York who will go to Thailand before going to Brooklyn.
4. In Britain, a woman who stole more than a million dollars through tax fraud, tried to claim that she did it because she was under a voodoo curse. Now, at what point does this seem like a valid defense? You’re sitting there with your lawyer and you say, “Well, what about voodoo?” Yeah, the jury will go for that.
5. The Italian airline Alitalia may have to cancel some flights because it’s running out of fuel. They could use power from the hot air in the prime minister’s speeches.
2. More men are getting anorexia, and a big problem is that they’re embarrassed about having a ’women’s disease’. So the BBC is having a documentary called (true): “Revealed… Manorexia”. Yeah, that’s going to make men more comfortable. What’s next? Bro-limia?
3. The Pope held a huge mass in Paris yesterday. This is the first time that he has been to France since becoming Pope. He’s been to Australia, but not to France, which right across the border. That sounds like some friends of mine in New York who will go to Thailand before going to Brooklyn.
4. In Britain, a woman who stole more than a million dollars through tax fraud, tried to claim that she did it because she was under a voodoo curse. Now, at what point does this seem like a valid defense? You’re sitting there with your lawyer and you say, “Well, what about voodoo?” Yeah, the jury will go for that.
5. The Italian airline Alitalia may have to cancel some flights because it’s running out of fuel. They could use power from the hot air in the prime minister’s speeches.
Friday, September 12, 2008
9/12
1. A new study says that sharing a bed with a woman can make men less intelligent. So now men have an even better excuse for going off to the living room to play video games. “I’m so sorry, but I have a big meeting tomorrow.”
2. A new study says that broccoli may help prevent lung disease. If you chop it up and roll it into your cigarettes, you can smoke as much as you want.
3. A new study shows that alternative music fans have low self-esteem, and are neither hard-working nor gentle. Yeah, big surprise there. And almost every music genre said that people were creative, except for country or mainstream pop music. Gene Simmons fans were mostly women he’d slept with, which gives him one of the world’s largest fan bases.
4. There are now a record number of people in Japan over the age of 100, although the United States has the highest total in the world. Researchers said that the long Japanese lifespans are based on nutritious diets and a good health care system. So why does the United States have so many?
5. The most powerful judge in Saudi Arabia said yesterday that it is okay to kill people who watch immoral TV shows. For example, “Dancing With the Stars”.
2. A new study says that broccoli may help prevent lung disease. If you chop it up and roll it into your cigarettes, you can smoke as much as you want.
3. A new study shows that alternative music fans have low self-esteem, and are neither hard-working nor gentle. Yeah, big surprise there. And almost every music genre said that people were creative, except for country or mainstream pop music. Gene Simmons fans were mostly women he’d slept with, which gives him one of the world’s largest fan bases.
4. There are now a record number of people in Japan over the age of 100, although the United States has the highest total in the world. Researchers said that the long Japanese lifespans are based on nutritious diets and a good health care system. So why does the United States have so many?
5. The most powerful judge in Saudi Arabia said yesterday that it is okay to kill people who watch immoral TV shows. For example, “Dancing With the Stars”.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
9/11
1. General Petraeus said today that because of the complexity of the Iraq War, he would never be comfortable using the word “victory” there. Well, now we know one thing for sure -- he’s not going to be running for office.
2. In the African nation of Tanzania, several schoolgirls fainted while taking exams. We used to have that problem here too, but then we fixed the ventilation systems.
3. Bill Clinton said he’ll do whatever he’s asked by Barack Obama. He then rented a house in Antarctica until the election is over.
4. A new study says that women are more prone to nightmares than men. Yeah, I think that’s because they’re married to the nightmare.
5. Thieves in Kenya apparently tried to rob Barack Obama’s grandmother. They were going after the solar panel on top of her hut. Even there, the oil companies don’t want Obama elected. They will stop at nothing.
2. In the African nation of Tanzania, several schoolgirls fainted while taking exams. We used to have that problem here too, but then we fixed the ventilation systems.
3. Bill Clinton said he’ll do whatever he’s asked by Barack Obama. He then rented a house in Antarctica until the election is over.
4. A new study says that women are more prone to nightmares than men. Yeah, I think that’s because they’re married to the nightmare.
5. Thieves in Kenya apparently tried to rob Barack Obama’s grandmother. They were going after the solar panel on top of her hut. Even there, the oil companies don’t want Obama elected. They will stop at nothing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Congressman Charles Rangel of New York City says that he didn’t report the money he got from renting out his vacation house because whenever he tried to get information from his managers, they would, and I quote, “start speaking Spanish”. Yeah, Spanish -- a rare language only spoken by HALF OF THE HOUSEHOLDS IN HIS DISTRICT! “These guys are speaking Spanish! If only there was someone in New York City who could translate for me. If they were speaking Swahili, maybe! But Spanish?”
In Africa, a rare animal related to the giraffe has been spotted for the first time in nearly 50 years. Another creature recently spotted for the first time ever -- Republicans outraged about sexist remarks.
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says that of all the presidential nominees, Sarah Palin is the one he’s most afraid of, because she’s the only one that might beat him at arm wrestling.
Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.
Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.
Sony is going to recall 440,000 laptops because they could overheat. Apparently the laptops were all being used in the office of the mayor of Detroit.
Today, investigators said that several officials in the government department for oil and mining have been taking bribes, illegal drugs, and sexual favors from companies. One-third of the Denver office was accused. One third! You know what they call that in Alaska? Amateurs. And apparently, this is true, their excuse was that they had to socialize with oil and mining companies to get “market intelligence”. What is this, the Cold War? “Oh, well, sure we were taking drugs and getting laid, but we didn’t want any of it! We were sacrificing for our country.”
White House press secretary Dana Perino said yesterday that President Bush would have liked to capture Osama bin Laden, but that government authorities didn’t have “super powers”. Great, during Bush’s term, we’ve gone from being the world’s only superpower to not having any at all. Well, Mr. President, from watching Republicans campaign for office this year, you do seem to have the power to disappear.
An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”
Yesterday during a campaign visit, Sarah Palin stopped into a Chinese restaurant, and Fox News quickly touted it as another example of her foreign policy experience.
Australia just elected its first female governor. As they say at the Republican National Convention -- a day late and a dollar short.
A heroin-addicted elephant is now going home after doing rehab in China. At least he won’t forget his 12 steps. His owners fed him heroin-spiked bananas to keep him under control. It was a technique first perfected with Russell Crowe.
In Africa, a rare animal related to the giraffe has been spotted for the first time in nearly 50 years. Another creature recently spotted for the first time ever -- Republicans outraged about sexist remarks.
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says that of all the presidential nominees, Sarah Palin is the one he’s most afraid of, because she’s the only one that might beat him at arm wrestling.
Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.
Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.
Sony is going to recall 440,000 laptops because they could overheat. Apparently the laptops were all being used in the office of the mayor of Detroit.
Today, investigators said that several officials in the government department for oil and mining have been taking bribes, illegal drugs, and sexual favors from companies. One-third of the Denver office was accused. One third! You know what they call that in Alaska? Amateurs. And apparently, this is true, their excuse was that they had to socialize with oil and mining companies to get “market intelligence”. What is this, the Cold War? “Oh, well, sure we were taking drugs and getting laid, but we didn’t want any of it! We were sacrificing for our country.”
White House press secretary Dana Perino said yesterday that President Bush would have liked to capture Osama bin Laden, but that government authorities didn’t have “super powers”. Great, during Bush’s term, we’ve gone from being the world’s only superpower to not having any at all. Well, Mr. President, from watching Republicans campaign for office this year, you do seem to have the power to disappear.
An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”
Yesterday during a campaign visit, Sarah Palin stopped into a Chinese restaurant, and Fox News quickly touted it as another example of her foreign policy experience.
Australia just elected its first female governor. As they say at the Republican National Convention -- a day late and a dollar short.
A heroin-addicted elephant is now going home after doing rehab in China. At least he won’t forget his 12 steps. His owners fed him heroin-spiked bananas to keep him under control. It was a technique first perfected with Russell Crowe.
9/10
1. Today, investigators said that several officials in the government department for oil and mining have been taking bribes, illegal drugs, and sexual favors from companies. One-third of the Denver office was accused. One third! You know what they call that in Alaska? Amateurs. And apparently, this is true, their excuse was that they had to socialize with oil and mining companies to get “market intelligence”. What is this, the Cold War? “Oh, well, sure we were taking drugs and getting laid, but we didn’t want any of it! We were sacrificing for our country.”
2. Congressman Charles Rangel of New York City says that he didn’t report the money he got from renting out his vacation house because whenever he tried to get information from his managers, they would, and I quote, “start speaking Spanish”. Yeah, Spanish -- a rare language only spoken by HALF OF THE HOUSEHOLDS IN HIS DISTRICT! “These guys are speaking Spanish! If only there was someone in New York City who could translate for me. If they were speaking Swahili, maybe! But Spanish?”
3. White House press secretary Dana Perino said yesterday that President Bush would have liked to capture Osama bin Laden, but that government authorities didn’t have “super powers”. Great, during Bush’s term, we’ve gone from being the world’s only superpower to not having any at all. Well, Mr. President, from watching Republicans campaign for office this year, you do seem to have the power to disappear.
4. In Africa, a rare animal related to the giraffe has been spotted for the first time in nearly 50 years. Another creature recently spotted for the first time ever -- Republicans outraged about sexist remarks.
5. So there is this whole controversy about Obama saying that Republicans are trying to put lipstick on a pig. What isn’t so well known is that he was referring to John McCain, who is a closet cross dresser.
2. Congressman Charles Rangel of New York City says that he didn’t report the money he got from renting out his vacation house because whenever he tried to get information from his managers, they would, and I quote, “start speaking Spanish”. Yeah, Spanish -- a rare language only spoken by HALF OF THE HOUSEHOLDS IN HIS DISTRICT! “These guys are speaking Spanish! If only there was someone in New York City who could translate for me. If they were speaking Swahili, maybe! But Spanish?”
3. White House press secretary Dana Perino said yesterday that President Bush would have liked to capture Osama bin Laden, but that government authorities didn’t have “super powers”. Great, during Bush’s term, we’ve gone from being the world’s only superpower to not having any at all. Well, Mr. President, from watching Republicans campaign for office this year, you do seem to have the power to disappear.
4. In Africa, a rare animal related to the giraffe has been spotted for the first time in nearly 50 years. Another creature recently spotted for the first time ever -- Republicans outraged about sexist remarks.
5. So there is this whole controversy about Obama saying that Republicans are trying to put lipstick on a pig. What isn’t so well known is that he was referring to John McCain, who is a closet cross dresser.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
9/9
1. So in Europe, they’re going to start up this giant atom collider and some people are worried that it will cause a black hole that will destroy the world. But that’s not the biggest threat to create a black hole. That’s Apple computers with their new iPods. They are compressing matter to dangerously small levels.
2. I saw this headline: “Hidden heart harm of fatty foods.” Really? Hidden? And I thought fatty foods were fine for your heart! This isn’t news.
3. A government minister in the Congo freed a bunch of goats that had been thrown in prison. I’m not using “goat” to mean, like, old people - I mean actual goats. The goats were, this is true, awaiting trial. Anti-goat activists were calling it a baaaad deal. The minister said that there has to be a clear separation between goat and state.
4. North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Il was missing at his country’s big military parade yesterday, causing speculation that he may not just be Il, but ill too. I wonder if he caught a disease from fucking his country up the ass?
5. An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”
2. I saw this headline: “Hidden heart harm of fatty foods.” Really? Hidden? And I thought fatty foods were fine for your heart! This isn’t news.
3. A government minister in the Congo freed a bunch of goats that had been thrown in prison. I’m not using “goat” to mean, like, old people - I mean actual goats. The goats were, this is true, awaiting trial. Anti-goat activists were calling it a baaaad deal. The minister said that there has to be a clear separation between goat and state.
4. North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Il was missing at his country’s big military parade yesterday, causing speculation that he may not just be Il, but ill too. I wonder if he caught a disease from fucking his country up the ass?
5. An airline in New Zealand is going to pay bald guys to have ads put on their heads. I knew it was a good idea to not use Rogain! What if other companies do this? “Do you want your furniture to shine this nice?” “Have you thought of moving to the desert?” “Nothing beats the taste of eggs!”
Monday, September 8, 2008
9/8
1. Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says that of all the presidential nominees, Sarah Palin is the one he’s most afraid of, because she’s the only one that might beat him at arm wrestling.
2. A teenager in Arkansas had his jaw broken by a fish yesterday. Luckily, vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin was campaigning nearby, dove into the lake, and killed the fish with her bare hands.
3. Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.
4. Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.
5. The government took over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac yesterday, thereby creating the biggest news story in two years that we can’t write any jokes about. No one understands what these companies do. How can you write jokes about that? Now, I know they’ve been together for a long time, like that old married couple down the street taking care of way too many cats. Maybe it’s time to break them up.
2. A teenager in Arkansas had his jaw broken by a fish yesterday. Luckily, vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin was campaigning nearby, dove into the lake, and killed the fish with her bare hands.
3. Comedian Stephen Colbert will have his DNA sent into space. This follows on the heels of John Edward’s DNA, which was sent up last year in an astronaut’s vagina.
4. Some researchers now say that if you’re attracted to someone, the best thing to do is tell them. If you’d like to know more about the study, the researchers kindly provided their phone numbers. They’d be happy to discuss it with you over dinner.
5. The government took over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac yesterday, thereby creating the biggest news story in two years that we can’t write any jokes about. No one understands what these companies do. How can you write jokes about that? Now, I know they’ve been together for a long time, like that old married couple down the street taking care of way too many cats. Maybe it’s time to break them up.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
9/6
1. An island near Antarctica is looking for a plumber. And there is one who said that he’s interested. He told them he would arrive sometime between October and November, so they should stay there and wait for him.
2. Yesterday during a campaign visit, Sarah Palin stopped into a Chinese restaurant, and Fox News quickly touted it as another example of her foreign policy experience.
3. Well, it looks like they’re going to make yet another Spider-Man movie. The studio’s goal this time is to take the once highly praised series and just drive it into the ground. As a first step, they’ve hired George Lucas.
4. You know, this is the most sarcastic presidential election I can remember. In fact, McCain just introduced a new campaign sign. [Show the normal McCain sign, but add a winking emoticon to the end of it.]
5. Tropical Storm Hanna hit the coast today. I love how when these storms hit, the only excited people are surfers. Not internet surfers - they’re upset about power outages.
2. Yesterday during a campaign visit, Sarah Palin stopped into a Chinese restaurant, and Fox News quickly touted it as another example of her foreign policy experience.
3. Well, it looks like they’re going to make yet another Spider-Man movie. The studio’s goal this time is to take the once highly praised series and just drive it into the ground. As a first step, they’ve hired George Lucas.
4. You know, this is the most sarcastic presidential election I can remember. In fact, McCain just introduced a new campaign sign. [Show the normal McCain sign, but add a winking emoticon to the end of it.]
5. Tropical Storm Hanna hit the coast today. I love how when these storms hit, the only excited people are surfers. Not internet surfers - they’re upset about power outages.
Friday, September 5, 2008
9/5
1. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a historic trip to Libya yesterday. She’s going to stay in a tent and be guarded by an all-women bodyguard corps. That sounds like the set-up for a movie my fraternity used to watch a lot.
2. The economy lost more jobs last month than people were expecting. Well, except for the people who lost their jobs. They were probably expecting it.
3. Workers for the airplane manufacturer Boeing are going on strike over low pay. Apparently they haven’t gotten a raise in four years, despite record profits. To cope with the strike, Boeing is going downgrade all of its black boxes to pink.
4. The government is going to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the mortgage giants. Which means that the government is now going to be in charge of your house. Because they’ve done such a good job with housing in the past.
5. So this guy has this dog in Britain, and he hears this rattling in the dog’s stomach. So he takes the dog to the vet and there are 13, 13, golf balls in the dog’s stomach. The dog had been eating golf balls for months. Has this dog been watching Michael Phelps?
2. The economy lost more jobs last month than people were expecting. Well, except for the people who lost their jobs. They were probably expecting it.
3. Workers for the airplane manufacturer Boeing are going on strike over low pay. Apparently they haven’t gotten a raise in four years, despite record profits. To cope with the strike, Boeing is going downgrade all of its black boxes to pink.
4. The government is going to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the mortgage giants. Which means that the government is now going to be in charge of your house. Because they’ve done such a good job with housing in the past.
5. So this guy has this dog in Britain, and he hears this rattling in the dog’s stomach. So he takes the dog to the vet and there are 13, 13, golf balls in the dog’s stomach. The dog had been eating golf balls for months. Has this dog been watching Michael Phelps?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
9/4
1. Sony is going to recall 440,000 laptops because they could overheat. Apparently the laptops were all being used in the office of the mayor of Detroit.
2. Australia just elected its first female governor. As they say at the Republican National Convention -- a day late and a dollar short.
3. A heroin-addicted elephant is now going home after doing rehab in China. At least he won’t forget his 12 steps. His owners fed him heroin-spiked bananas to keep him under control. It was a technique first perfected with Russell Crowe.
4. In a new survey 75% of Americans said that they would change their daily routine to get a convenient healthy breakfast. Yeah right. 75% of Americans say they never drive over the speed limit either. I think the operative word is “convenient”. Like an IV drip.
5. The first guitar ever set on fire by Jimi Hendrix was sold yesterday. Isn’t it strange that we now try to delicately preserve a guitar that Hendrix cared so little about that he set it on fire? The act of destroying the guitar has made it far more valuable. Maybe this is why Lindsay Lohan kept crashing her car. She was just trying to raise money.
2. Australia just elected its first female governor. As they say at the Republican National Convention -- a day late and a dollar short.
3. A heroin-addicted elephant is now going home after doing rehab in China. At least he won’t forget his 12 steps. His owners fed him heroin-spiked bananas to keep him under control. It was a technique first perfected with Russell Crowe.
4. In a new survey 75% of Americans said that they would change their daily routine to get a convenient healthy breakfast. Yeah right. 75% of Americans say they never drive over the speed limit either. I think the operative word is “convenient”. Like an IV drip.
5. The first guitar ever set on fire by Jimi Hendrix was sold yesterday. Isn’t it strange that we now try to delicately preserve a guitar that Hendrix cared so little about that he set it on fire? The act of destroying the guitar has made it far more valuable. Maybe this is why Lindsay Lohan kept crashing her car. She was just trying to raise money.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
A spokesman for John McCain said today about Sarah Palin that “the vetting controversy is a faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee for vice president of the United States who has never been part of the old boys’ network that has come to dominate the news establishment of this country.” Now, a couple things. First, you need to lay off the caffeine. Second, there’s this wonderful new invention called the ‘comma’. I’ll send you some information on it. Were there female Republican nominees for vice president who were part of the old boys’ network? Is he actually saying that the media would have been easier on a female vice president nominee thirty years ago? And, man, you are going for the sexist card way too early. Yeah, the media would never question the qualifications of a male vice presidential nominee, [cough] Dan Quayle.
Did you hear that Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant? If not, I can understand, since they announced it during a HURRICANE! “Oh my god, we have to put aside politics and just help the people of Louisiana! [cough] Oh, and my 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.” She plans to keep the baby and marry the father. I hear one of her bridesmaids is going to be Jamie Spears. So I guess the only real problem social conservatives had with the movie “Juno” is that it wasn’t spelled “Juneau”.
A town in Sicily is now offering abandoned homes for one euro apiece. That’s about a $1.44. Hmm, still a little pricey for me. Come on! In this market? I can get a mansion in Malibu for 50 cents and half a sneaker.
The Republicans have decided to have a shortened convention. Not because of Hurricane Gustav, but because they’re not sure if McCain will last till it’s over.
Just before Joe Biden visited Scranton, Pennsylvania, the Obama campaign released an ad that said: “Scranton is a place that never leaves you. It becomes part of your heart.” Specifically the right ventricle, where all that pizza and beer make sure that YOU never leave Scranton either.
Barack Obama’s acceptance speech at Mile High Stadium was the top-rated program on TV last week. Unfortunately, that’s only because 10 million viewers thought it was a halftime show.
Actor David Duchovny has entered a rehab center for sex addiction. Well, I guess now we know why they called it “The X Files”.
So the big news is that John McCain has chosen a woman, Sarah Palin, to be his vice president. Palin is the governor of Alaska, and Alaskans are really worried about her going to Washington, because then there will only be three other women left there.
A teenager in Britain just had a new shoulder built from his elbow. Some day, we are literally going to have someone who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.
An airline in Canada is getting rid of life vests to save on fuel. That’s reassuring. Maybe next they’ll get rid of some passengers. “Oil hit $160 a barrel! Out you go!”
Today, a Canadian airline has suspended all flights because of high fuel prices, and yesterday this blog joked about it. Hmmm. Hey, did you hear about the Canadian airline that gave free back rubs? Worth a shot.
There’s going to be a movie about the creators of Facebook. So when people bug you about getting a Facebook account, you can just say you already saw the movie.
Did you hear that Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant? If not, I can understand, since they announced it during a HURRICANE! “Oh my god, we have to put aside politics and just help the people of Louisiana! [cough] Oh, and my 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.” She plans to keep the baby and marry the father. I hear one of her bridesmaids is going to be Jamie Spears. So I guess the only real problem social conservatives had with the movie “Juno” is that it wasn’t spelled “Juneau”.
A town in Sicily is now offering abandoned homes for one euro apiece. That’s about a $1.44. Hmm, still a little pricey for me. Come on! In this market? I can get a mansion in Malibu for 50 cents and half a sneaker.
The Republicans have decided to have a shortened convention. Not because of Hurricane Gustav, but because they’re not sure if McCain will last till it’s over.
Just before Joe Biden visited Scranton, Pennsylvania, the Obama campaign released an ad that said: “Scranton is a place that never leaves you. It becomes part of your heart.” Specifically the right ventricle, where all that pizza and beer make sure that YOU never leave Scranton either.
Barack Obama’s acceptance speech at Mile High Stadium was the top-rated program on TV last week. Unfortunately, that’s only because 10 million viewers thought it was a halftime show.
Actor David Duchovny has entered a rehab center for sex addiction. Well, I guess now we know why they called it “The X Files”.
So the big news is that John McCain has chosen a woman, Sarah Palin, to be his vice president. Palin is the governor of Alaska, and Alaskans are really worried about her going to Washington, because then there will only be three other women left there.
A teenager in Britain just had a new shoulder built from his elbow. Some day, we are literally going to have someone who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.
An airline in Canada is getting rid of life vests to save on fuel. That’s reassuring. Maybe next they’ll get rid of some passengers. “Oil hit $160 a barrel! Out you go!”
Today, a Canadian airline has suspended all flights because of high fuel prices, and yesterday this blog joked about it. Hmmm. Hey, did you hear about the Canadian airline that gave free back rubs? Worth a shot.
There’s going to be a movie about the creators of Facebook. So when people bug you about getting a Facebook account, you can just say you already saw the movie.
9/3
1. A spokesman for John McCain said today about Sarah Palin that “the vetting controversy is a faux media scandal designed to destroy the first female Republican nominee for vice president of the United States who has never been part of the old boys’ network that has come to dominate the news establishment of this country.” Now, a couple things. First, you need to lay off the caffeine. Second, there’s this wonderful new invention called the ‘comma’. I’ll send you some information on it. Were there female Republican nominees for vice president who were part of the old boys’ network? Is he actually saying that the media would have been easier on a female vice president nominee thirty years ago? And, man, you are going for the sexist card way too early. Yeah, the media would never question the qualifications of a male vice presidential nominee, [cough] Dan Quayle.
2. A town in Sicily is now offering abandoned homes for one euro apiece. That’s about a $1.44. Hmm, still a little pricey for me. Come on! In this market? I can get a mansion in Malibu for 50 cents and half a sneaker.
3. Jamie Lynn Spears sent a gift to Sarah Palin’s daughter, who is pregnant. Man, I am tired of all these conservatives condoning single motherhood! What happened to good old-fashioned liberal guilt? That’s the difference. Conservatives aren’t even guilty about it.
4. Vice-President Dick Cheney is on a visit to Georgia and other countries in the area, but he’s not visiting Russia. Hmm. It’s like when you go all the way to visit your family in Florida, but you don’t drop in on Uncle Jimmy, because he still hasn’t apologized for denting your shiny new Democracy car.
5. A drunk driver in Iowa got pulled over and tried to bribe the cop with free sandwiches. And the really shocking thing is that the cop didn’t take it. Not with Subway having $5 footlongs.
2. A town in Sicily is now offering abandoned homes for one euro apiece. That’s about a $1.44. Hmm, still a little pricey for me. Come on! In this market? I can get a mansion in Malibu for 50 cents and half a sneaker.
3. Jamie Lynn Spears sent a gift to Sarah Palin’s daughter, who is pregnant. Man, I am tired of all these conservatives condoning single motherhood! What happened to good old-fashioned liberal guilt? That’s the difference. Conservatives aren’t even guilty about it.
4. Vice-President Dick Cheney is on a visit to Georgia and other countries in the area, but he’s not visiting Russia. Hmm. It’s like when you go all the way to visit your family in Florida, but you don’t drop in on Uncle Jimmy, because he still hasn’t apologized for denting your shiny new Democracy car.
5. A drunk driver in Iowa got pulled over and tried to bribe the cop with free sandwiches. And the really shocking thing is that the cop didn’t take it. Not with Subway having $5 footlongs.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
9/2
1. The Republicans have decided to have a shortened convention. Not because of Hurricane Gustav, but because they’re not sure if McCain will last till it’s over.
2. Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps is going to donate his $1 million bonus to charity. But how is he going to afford to eat now?
3. The boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter is going to be at the convention. He’s the father of her child. Because it’s good to show the Republican side of having children out of wedlock. It’s also good to see things working out with that abstinence sex education.
4. Tiger Woods is expecting another child. Hmm, maybe that’s how he injured his knee.
5. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler is going to release a tell-all book. As if he hadn’t already done enough to embarrass his daughter.
2. Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps is going to donate his $1 million bonus to charity. But how is he going to afford to eat now?
3. The boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter is going to be at the convention. He’s the father of her child. Because it’s good to show the Republican side of having children out of wedlock. It’s also good to see things working out with that abstinence sex education.
4. Tiger Woods is expecting another child. Hmm, maybe that’s how he injured his knee.
5. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler is going to release a tell-all book. As if he hadn’t already done enough to embarrass his daughter.
Monday, September 1, 2008
9/1
1. Did you hear that Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant? If not, I can understand, since they announced it during a HURRICANE! “Oh my god, we have to put aside politics and just help the people of Louisiana! [cough] Oh, and my 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.” She plans to keep the baby and marry the father. I hear one of her bridesmaids is going to be Jamie Spears. So I guess the only real problem social conservatives had with the movie “Juno” is that it wasn’t spelled “Juneau”.
2. Just before Joe Biden visited Scranton, Pennsylvania, the Obama campaign released an ad that said: “Scranton is a place that never leaves you. It becomes part of your heart.” Specifically the right ventricle, where all that pizza and beer make sure that YOU never leave Scranton either.
3. Barack Obama’s acceptance speech at Mile High Stadium was the top-rated program on TV last week. Unfortunately, that’s only because 10 million viewers thought it was a halftime show.
4. The prime minister of Japan has suddenly resigned. Isn’t it amazing how quickly you can do that in other countries? Apparently, he’s 72 years old, and he was worried about maybe having to bow to John McCain. However, he didn’t say when the resignation would actually take effect. That’s convenient. I’ve had relationships like that. We’re broken up, but… you’re still living here and we’re still going out together and I’m helping your parents move. So, by “breaking up”, you apparently just meant we’re not having sex anymore. I don’t know if I’m cool with this.
5. A new study shows that having an e-mail address beginning with certain letters can cause you to get far more spam mail than other people. For example, if you have an e-mail address beginning with the word “V-I-A-G-R-A”.
2. Just before Joe Biden visited Scranton, Pennsylvania, the Obama campaign released an ad that said: “Scranton is a place that never leaves you. It becomes part of your heart.” Specifically the right ventricle, where all that pizza and beer make sure that YOU never leave Scranton either.
3. Barack Obama’s acceptance speech at Mile High Stadium was the top-rated program on TV last week. Unfortunately, that’s only because 10 million viewers thought it was a halftime show.
4. The prime minister of Japan has suddenly resigned. Isn’t it amazing how quickly you can do that in other countries? Apparently, he’s 72 years old, and he was worried about maybe having to bow to John McCain. However, he didn’t say when the resignation would actually take effect. That’s convenient. I’ve had relationships like that. We’re broken up, but… you’re still living here and we’re still going out together and I’m helping your parents move. So, by “breaking up”, you apparently just meant we’re not having sex anymore. I don’t know if I’m cool with this.
5. A new study shows that having an e-mail address beginning with certain letters can cause you to get far more spam mail than other people. For example, if you have an e-mail address beginning with the word “V-I-A-G-R-A”.
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