BEST OF THE WEEK

There was a big royal wedding in London yesterday. Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly. They let a tabloid cover the wedding for almost a million dollars. And they would have gotten even more if anyone knew who the hell they were.

Oil executives defended their huge profits in front of the Senate today. They said that it was just a matter of supply and demand. We supply them with money and they demand more.

American Airlines is now going to charge extra for even one checked piece of luggage. No word yet about striped pieces of luggage.

Recently a judge ruled that paper money discriminates against the blind. Yeah, well, tough. It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.

On Friday, a 19-year-old was elected mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma. He originally wanted to be head of fund raising for Barack Obama there, but they told him he was too old.

The first baseman for the NY Yankees, Jason Giambi, says that he wears a gold thong to break out of slumps. Because, you know, normally he wears a pink thong.

American Airlines has $4 billion in cash reserves, but says it could blow through that “fairly quickly”. Now that might seem hard to believe, until you realize it recently hired Heather Mills.

A man in Ohio lost his final appeal to stay in the United States, because a judge ruled that he was a guard in a Nazi prison camp. Now, normally, I would go along with that, but this guy was found not guilty by Israel. That’s like Rush Limbaugh saying you’re not a liberal.

The makers of the Bluetooth headset phone are now focusing more on style and design, which is surprising, since I thought people who used them didn’t realize other people could see them. Bluetooth - -when you want to look like a schizophrenic in style!

Two huge concerts are being held in Mexico City and Buenos Aires to help end child poverty in Latin America. Beginning with the teenagers who maxed out their credit cards to buy tickets.

A new study says grape and apple juice help prevent clogged arteries. Which is good, because almost all the juice at the store is really apple or grape juice. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of that “banana mango strawberry” stuff you’re buying? Apple juice is like the chicken of juices.