5/8

1. Interesting headline from the BBC above. So they do, so they do… Yeah, like the writer didn’t know what he was doing. Now we know that the BBC has temp workers. Although, I hear the writer’s uncle is a plastic surgeon. The scientists in the article say they’ve been studying great tits since 1947. I’ve only been studying them since about 1985. True story, this reminds me of when I was a writer for Marubeni Corp. in Japan, and they wanted an article about starting a trading house for Dubai’s Department of Petroleum and Energy. I wanted to title it: “Marubeni enters Middle East DOPE trade”.

2. A new study shows that about one in ten employees has been drunk at work. Good to see that, once again, the staff of @@@ is well above average! Some of the heaviest drinkers were in information technology. Do you think sober people thought of names like Yahoo! and Google? Some analysts said that people drank at work to cope with stress. Man, I just masturbate in the supply closet.

3. A new study says that nearly a third of the population spends more than 10 hours a day sitting, and that humans were not designed to be this sedentary. This is why I propose that supermarkets hide their food, so that we can forage like our ancestors. That’s what we do with interns on this show. [An intern slowly sneaks into camera view, then quickly darts a hand into @@@’s pocket, grabs a candy bar, and scurries away.]

4. The Chicago White Sox baseball team has been using blow-up sex dolls to break their six-game losing streak. And the dolls are now batting better than most of the team. It’s so easy for them to get to third base.

5. A new virus is invading file-sharing networks. It immediately fills the user’s screen with all these annoying loud pop-up ads. Now who is going to want to buy anything from a company that does that? [Fill screen with garish ads for @@@.] Well, okay.