1. Former congressman Bill Barr says that he will run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. His first attack ad says that his main opponent only has a 0.002 chance of winning the presidency, while he, Mr. Barr, as at least a 0.004 chance.
2. An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.
3. Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”
4. A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.
5. A new study says that breathing air pollution can raise the risk of blood clots. Now, this is supposed to be a bad thing, but I say hey, now we know if you’re going to get stabbed, do it behind a running car.
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