5/6

1. A new study says that babies who are breast-fed have higher IQs. Unfortunately, there’s still no word yet on whether it helps grown men. I wish this sort of thing had come out when I was in college. It would have given new meaning to ‘study session’. “No, you don‘t understand, babe, I just have a big test tomorrow.”

2. The Chinese president is making a five-day visit to Japan. The summit is expected to go well, which goes to show that sometimes it helps to have really really boring leaders.

3. Today, a violinist gave a private performance to a cab driver who returned his 285-year old violin, which I hear was originally made by John McCain. The violin was valued at $4 million. Good thing the Clinton campaign didn’t get a hold of it. The violinist will be playing in the cab waiting area at the airport in Newark, New Jersey. However, even though it’s Jersey, he says he won’t take requests for “Don’t Stop Believing”. He also plans to make a little spare change by leaving his violin case open. The drivers ended up dancing and one, this is true, called out: “Magic fingers!” It wasn’t because of the playing, but because the guy gave out massages too.

4. At San Diego State University, a student majoring in criminal justice was arrested for drugs and guns. He explained that by “criminal justice”, he meant settling scores.

5. Park rangers in India are thrilled that two tiger cubs have recently been born there. They’ll be having an auction to sell their penises later in the week. With luck, they’ll be able to grow up and eat some of the rampant overpopulation.