1. Have you heard that ‘Taser parties’ are becoming popular? I don’t mean parties where people Taser each other for fun. Or as they call them in Germany -- ‘parties’. I mean parties where people can find out more about Tasers and buy them. Sort of like Tupperware, but with more seizures. It may seem odd that the Taser company is acting like Amway, but having a friend in Amway is kind of like getting hit by a Taser. I bet there isn’t a lot of flirting going on at Taser parties. “So, do you want to come back to my place. Ow! Ow!”
2. Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.
3. The Shia military group Hezbollah has taken over west Beirut after the government tried to shut down its telecommunications network. And you thought YOU were addicted to your cell phone. One of the buildings they attacked is the headquarters of Future News. Future News? Sounds like North Korea’s news station. “Tomorrow there will be dancing in the streets!” Meaning - “Tomorrow, you are going to dance in the streets or we’ll kill you.”
4. A new study says that young people in Europe get drunk in order to, you’re not going to believe this, have sex. Or to put it another way, the study says that young people in Europe… have sex. The study also revealed that some people were “strategically” using alcohol to increase their chances of sex. Excuse me, but that is why tequila shots were invented. Do you think anyone decided to drink those just for the pleasure of it?
5. Some teens in Texas have admitted to using a human skull to make a marijuana bong. Now these were obviously teens, because as you grow older, you learn to never make anything really freaky into a bong. I learned that when I was 17 and made a bong out of an Oprah Winfrey doll.
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