BEST OF THE WEEK

In Australia, a driver has been fined for using a seatbelt to strap down a case of beer, while his five-year-old child played in the back. Now, this being Australia, the reason for the fine was that the beer was not in a beer seat.

Former congressman Bill Barr says that he will run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. His first attack ad says that his main opponent only has a 0.002 chance of winning the presidency, while he, Mr. Barr, as at least a 0.004 chance.

A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.

Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.

In Barcelona, the water reservoir has dropped so low that it revealed an ancient city. Sort of like when I finally mowed the backyard as a teenager and found my five-year-old brother. Or at least, he was five when we last saw him.

In Italy, a man was arrested for using a camera in a duffel bag to photograph thousands of women up their skirts. The police are planning to officially charge him, but first they have to review the evidence for a few… months. And bring in lots of other officers to assist with the review.

Barack Obama tried to congratulate Hillary Clinton on winning the Democratic primary in West Virginia, but was only able to get her voicemail. Maybe she was too busy taking a call from the voices in her head. “You can wiiiin, you can wiiiiin.”

An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.

Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”

President Bush’s daughter Jenna got married over the weekend. My god, is there nothing this man won’t do to improve his polling numbers?

Hillary Clinton’s team attacked Barack Obama today for ignoring West Virginia. Well, I guess that’s the end of those ‘elitist’ claims -- he’s just like the rest of us.

Have you heard that ‘Taser parties’ are becoming popular? I don’t mean parties where people Taser each other for fun. Or as they call them in Germany -- ‘parties’. I mean parties where people can find out more about Tasers and buy them. Sort of like Tupperware, but with more seizures. It may seem odd that the Taser company is acting like Amway, but having a friend in Amway is kind of like getting hit by a Taser. I bet there isn’t a lot of flirting going on at Taser parties. “So, do you want to come back to my place. Ow! Ow!”