1. The movie “Terminator 4” has started filming. Yeah, this is true. And we have an exclusive photo of the indestructible cyborg. [Show picture of Amy Winehouse.] You thought we were going to show Hillary Clinton, didn’t you? No, that’s the sequel.
2. After yesterday’s primaries, Hillary Clinton vowed to stay in the race “until the nominee is chosen”. She later clarified that by “chosen”, she meant Jewish. Basically, she’s waiting for the return of the Messiah, which is about what would have to happen for her to get the nomination.
3. The video game Grand Theft Auto IV brought in $500 million in its first week. So now we know where all those stimulus checks went.
4. Scientists have now mapped out the genetic code of the duck-billed platypus. Did you know that the platypus is poisonous? It’s one of only two poisonous mammals, the other one being Ashton Kutcher, though his special venom is only fatal to movies.
5. Russia swore in a new president today. In his inauguration speech, he said: “Human rights and freedoms are deemed of the highest value.” Which is why he then said he would auction them off.
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