5/2

1. The movie “Iron Man” is coming out on Friday. It’s about a guy covered in protective armor, impervious to outside forces, who just keeps going and going, no matter how low the odds or how much damage he has to do. It’s based on a comic book about Hillary Clinton.

2. Scientists have observed a seal trying to have sex with a penguin. The scientists think it might have been because the seal was just a frustrated and inexperienced young male. This is why you shouldn’t have pets around teenagers. That’s how new diseases get into our society. The scientists also say it might have been a playful act that turned sexual. Oh man, how many women have been there? ‘I thought we were just having a friendly wrestling match in the nude, and suddenly it turned all weird.’

3. Hillary Clinton has said that the primaries on Tuesday are “game-changers”. Specifically, they’re changing the game from chess to Genga. Who can pull out the most sticks before the whole Democratic Party collapses?

4. A man in India is planning to hang from a helicopter by his ponytail. And apparently, he’s already pulled a train with the ponytail. This reminds me of Jenny McDougal in my third grade class. I’d yank on that ponytail and she’d pull me halfway across the room. The man says that he keeps the hair strong by rubbing mustard oil into it. Mustard oil. Maybe that’s why Jenny McDougal’s hair was so strong. We’d rub all sorts of things into it while her back was turned. If you’re watching, Jenny, I apologize. It was just my way of saying that I liked you.

5. Miley Cyrus has pulled out of a Disney event, because she’s still embarrassed over those magazine photos of her. Excuse me, other Disney stars have included Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears. So far, Miley’s still the good girl.