BEST OF THE WEEK

The number of pregnant women reporting odd food cravings is on the rise. The really surprising one, though, is that a lot of women say they have cravings for coal. Except in California, where they have a craving for solar panels.

The candy maker Mars is going to buy chewing gum maker Wrigley. Are they also going to adopt Wrigley’s vaguely sexualized ad campaigns? “Could I have a bite of your knickers? Wait, I mean Snickers.” “Try a threesome -- a Three Musketeers. They‘re not just big on chocolate.”

A factory in China has apparently been making Free Tibet flags. So it’s official -- Chinese factories will make anything. And we’re surprised they’re letting lead get in our toys.

The Olympic torch is in Japan today, and for the first time, both the right and left wings in Japan will protest together. The left wing wants China to leave Tibet, while the right wing wants Japan to take over instead.

The Greek island of Lesbos is suing a gay rights organization for using the name “lesbian”. Similar suits against Quentin Tarantino are coming from the island of Motherfuck.

President Bush has offered $770 million in international food aid to help with soaring food prices. Unfortunately, all the money is going to buy pork rinds.

The inventor of LSD died yesterday. It’s okay, though, because he’s expected to come back suddenly several years from now while I’m walking down the street. He was Swiss, which isn’t surprising. Any country that would invent the cuckoo clock must have had something going on.

The Olympic torch went through North Korea yesterday. And Kim Jong Il wanted to show that North Korea is just as good as any other country, so forty people ran in front of the torch in perfect unison, yelled “Free Tibet!”, then goosestepped away. The North Koreans later continued their protest by stealing the torch, selling it for scrap, and eating the relay runner.

Two pieces of dinosaur dung which are now solid rock were sold in New York City. Dinosaurs obviously weren’t eating enough fiber.

The Senate has decided to award Aung San Suu Kyi, the pro-democracy leader in Burma, with its highest honor. However, the only reason is that her name sounds like the first line of “The Star Spangled Banner”.