1. A rally to raise money to feed the poor has begun, called Walk the World. It used to be called Drive the World, but they realized the money they could save on gas would take care of a lot of hungry people. Walk the World… but isn’t walking going to make you hungry? If you want to end hunger, shouldn’t you do something that doesn’t burn calories? If they didn’t walk anywhere, they could cancel the celebration lunch and send it to Ethiopia. They should have a Sit the World.
2. Top people in the Democratic Party are meeting to figure out how to possibly seat delegates from Florida and Michigan, even though there is no compromise that will affect the final outcome. Well, that seems like a very productive way to spend the day. Might I suggest walking to end hunger instead?
3. Police in South Korea used water cannons against people protesting against U.S. beef. The only time in the States there was a protest this big over beef was when Wendy’s introduced the Baconator.
4. The Space Shuttle took off today with part of a Japanese science lab and a new toilet pump. No, wait, or is it a new science lab and Japanese toilet pump? The astronauts have been wanting a toilet that can play music.
5. The people of the South Pacific island of Vanuatu have been judged the happiest on the earth. Mainly because variations on their name were used to save the world in the science fiction movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still”.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
5/30
1. A Japanese aid flight to Chinese earthquake victims was cancelled, because local Chinese are still angry about World War II. First, something needs to be done to make average Chinese more friendly towards the Japanese -- like maybe, I don’t know, BRINGING AID TO EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS?
2. One of the world’s most isolated tribes was photographed for the first time on the border between Brazil and Peru. I’ll give you an idea of how isolated they are -- they still think Hillary has a shot at the nomination.
3. Yesterday, this is true, Condoleezza Rice was in Sweden and had a meeting with the heavy metal band Kiss. The band gave t-shirts to Rice’s staff, and following his usual tradition, Gene Simmons took Rice’s virginity.
4. Fishermen are protesting in France, and can we see a picture of that? [Show BBC photo of fishermen on a dock holding flares.] Are those light-sabers? Are they actually carrying fire in their hands? “We are the wizards of the sea!” These French fishermen don’t mess around. And as soon as the fishermen start plundering the oceans again, the environmentalists start protesting. It’s sort of a tag team thing.
5. A new study at Sheffield University has attempted to create the perfect human voice, by taking surveys of how people react to a variety of tones and speeds. We’ve got a sample of the perfect female voice that their computer then created. Listen. [Play recording of @@@ saying the show’s intro.] Well, they’re still working out the bugs.
2. One of the world’s most isolated tribes was photographed for the first time on the border between Brazil and Peru. I’ll give you an idea of how isolated they are -- they still think Hillary has a shot at the nomination.
3. Yesterday, this is true, Condoleezza Rice was in Sweden and had a meeting with the heavy metal band Kiss. The band gave t-shirts to Rice’s staff, and following his usual tradition, Gene Simmons took Rice’s virginity.
4. Fishermen are protesting in France, and can we see a picture of that? [Show BBC photo of fishermen on a dock holding flares.] Are those light-sabers? Are they actually carrying fire in their hands? “We are the wizards of the sea!” These French fishermen don’t mess around. And as soon as the fishermen start plundering the oceans again, the environmentalists start protesting. It’s sort of a tag team thing.
5. A new study at Sheffield University has attempted to create the perfect human voice, by taking surveys of how people react to a variety of tones and speeds. We’ve got a sample of the perfect female voice that their computer then created. Listen. [Play recording of @@@ saying the show’s intro.] Well, they’re still working out the bugs.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Microsoft has introduced its first operating system where users touch the screen (not including Microsoft users who have been ‘touching’ screens with their fists).
Apparently, Hillary Clinton is talking a lot about her religious faith during the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico, because it’s going to take a miracle for her to get the nomination.
A new study says when elderly people can’t remember new names, it’s not because their brains are getting worse -- they’re just getting better at filtering out the boring people. This helps explain why my parents keep forgetting my name.
The nation of Nepal voted to completely abolish its monarchy yesterday, which puts Nepal ahead of such backward nations as Great Britain, Sweden, and the Netherlands. Maybe one day the British will be free too.
Scientists now say that people with attention deficit disorder do 22 fewer days of work each year than people who don’t have it. Or maybe it was 23 days. I wasn’t really concentrating.
A new study says that combat-related stress is on the rise in American soldiers. Yeah, I wonder if that has anything to do with us being at war.
The obesity epidemic among American kids might have peaked. Which is great news for people starving around the world. Maybe there’ll be more food for them now.
On Sunday, a Canadian skydiver will set a new record by falling from almost 25 miles high. It will be the longest and fastest free fall since the reputation of Bill Clinton.
The Russian Communist Party wants to ban the new Indiana Jones movie, because they say: “In 1957, the Communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S.” Do they realize this is also a movie where 60-year-old Harrison Ford leaps from ledge to ledge like Spider-Man? And as any student of modern history knows, in the 1950s, the Communists were running around America with Hitler’s preserved brain.
The classic painting “The Scream” is now back on display after being stolen a few years ago. The painting, of course, depicts a recent Democratic voter.
Apparently, Hillary Clinton is talking a lot about her religious faith during the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico, because it’s going to take a miracle for her to get the nomination.
A new study says when elderly people can’t remember new names, it’s not because their brains are getting worse -- they’re just getting better at filtering out the boring people. This helps explain why my parents keep forgetting my name.
The nation of Nepal voted to completely abolish its monarchy yesterday, which puts Nepal ahead of such backward nations as Great Britain, Sweden, and the Netherlands. Maybe one day the British will be free too.
Scientists now say that people with attention deficit disorder do 22 fewer days of work each year than people who don’t have it. Or maybe it was 23 days. I wasn’t really concentrating.
A new study says that combat-related stress is on the rise in American soldiers. Yeah, I wonder if that has anything to do with us being at war.
The obesity epidemic among American kids might have peaked. Which is great news for people starving around the world. Maybe there’ll be more food for them now.
On Sunday, a Canadian skydiver will set a new record by falling from almost 25 miles high. It will be the longest and fastest free fall since the reputation of Bill Clinton.
The Russian Communist Party wants to ban the new Indiana Jones movie, because they say: “In 1957, the Communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S.” Do they realize this is also a movie where 60-year-old Harrison Ford leaps from ledge to ledge like Spider-Man? And as any student of modern history knows, in the 1950s, the Communists were running around America with Hitler’s preserved brain.
The classic painting “The Scream” is now back on display after being stolen a few years ago. The painting, of course, depicts a recent Democratic voter.
5/29
1. The largest colorless diamond to go on auction in nearly 20 years was up on Wednesday. The stone was apparently found last November in John McCain’s kidney.
2. An extremely rare rhinoceros in Indonesia has now been filmed, and it immediately attacked the camera. The rhinoceros quickly received emotional support from the Screen Actors Guild. “We must stop stalking by paparazzi!”
3. Scientists now say that Stonehenge was used as a cemetery for about 500 years. The discovery was made when archaeologists dug up a stone tablet engraved with a joke about how old John McCain is. It was an easy joke even back then.
4. At the International Space Station, astronauts are waiting for the arrival of a pump to fix their broken toilet. Remember that old line from the movie ‘Alien’? “In space, no one can hear you scream.”
5. Sharon Stone has been dropped by advertisers in China after she suggested that the earthquake there was caused by bad karma. Well, if that’s true, she must have done some reeeaaallly bad things considering her recent career.
2. An extremely rare rhinoceros in Indonesia has now been filmed, and it immediately attacked the camera. The rhinoceros quickly received emotional support from the Screen Actors Guild. “We must stop stalking by paparazzi!”
3. Scientists now say that Stonehenge was used as a cemetery for about 500 years. The discovery was made when archaeologists dug up a stone tablet engraved with a joke about how old John McCain is. It was an easy joke even back then.
4. At the International Space Station, astronauts are waiting for the arrival of a pump to fix their broken toilet. Remember that old line from the movie ‘Alien’? “In space, no one can hear you scream.”
5. Sharon Stone has been dropped by advertisers in China after she suggested that the earthquake there was caused by bad karma. Well, if that’s true, she must have done some reeeaaallly bad things considering her recent career.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
5/28
1. Microsoft has introduced its first operating system where users touch the screen (not including Microsoft users who have been ‘touching’ screens with their fists).
2. The nation of Nepal voted to completely abolish its monarchy yesterday, which puts Nepal ahead of such backward nations as Great Britain, Sweden, and the Netherlands. Maybe one day the British will be free too.
3. Madonna’s recent adoption was finally approved by the government of Malawi. She said that the process of being hounded about the adoption was similar to giving birth. Which is why she was sedated for most of it.
4. Because of renovations, the leaning tower of Pisa is no longer the leaningest building in the world. That title now belongs to a church in Germany. First the Germans get the pope, then they get the worst building foundation title! If the Germans start running organized crime, that’s going to be the last straw!
5. Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has attacked the Bush administration in his new memoir. Dana Perino, the current White House secretary, said that Bush is “aware of the book”. Aware? Like the way I’m aware of a Staples store being somewhere near my house? “What? Book? What?” “Never mind, Mr. President. Have another pork rind.” Karl Rove said that if McClellan felt that way, he should have spoken up while he was press secretary. Of course, if he had, Rove would have detonated the microchip implanted in all White House employee brains.
2. The nation of Nepal voted to completely abolish its monarchy yesterday, which puts Nepal ahead of such backward nations as Great Britain, Sweden, and the Netherlands. Maybe one day the British will be free too.
3. Madonna’s recent adoption was finally approved by the government of Malawi. She said that the process of being hounded about the adoption was similar to giving birth. Which is why she was sedated for most of it.
4. Because of renovations, the leaning tower of Pisa is no longer the leaningest building in the world. That title now belongs to a church in Germany. First the Germans get the pope, then they get the worst building foundation title! If the Germans start running organized crime, that’s going to be the last straw!
5. Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has attacked the Bush administration in his new memoir. Dana Perino, the current White House secretary, said that Bush is “aware of the book”. Aware? Like the way I’m aware of a Staples store being somewhere near my house? “What? Book? What?” “Never mind, Mr. President. Have another pork rind.” Karl Rove said that if McClellan felt that way, he should have spoken up while he was press secretary. Of course, if he had, Rove would have detonated the microchip implanted in all White House employee brains.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
5/27
1. Scientists now say that people with attention deficit disorder do 22 fewer days of work each year than people who don’t have it. Or maybe it was 23 days. I wasn’t really concentrating.
2. A new study says that combat-related stress is on the rise in American soldiers. Yeah, I wonder if that has anything to do with us being at war.
3. A stray cat has been officially made the head of a train station in Japan. Can you imagine what the former station master must feel like? “Yeah, I got fired for a cat.” “You think that’s bad? I just got traded for 10 bats.”
4. The leaders of Burma have extended the house arrest of Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, giving parents an even better argument when kids complain about how long they’re grounded. “Just be glad you’re not the opposition leader in Burma, young man!”
5. The obesity epidemic among American kids might have peaked. Which is great news for people starving around the world. Maybe there’ll be more food for them now.
2. A new study says that combat-related stress is on the rise in American soldiers. Yeah, I wonder if that has anything to do with us being at war.
3. A stray cat has been officially made the head of a train station in Japan. Can you imagine what the former station master must feel like? “Yeah, I got fired for a cat.” “You think that’s bad? I just got traded for 10 bats.”
4. The leaders of Burma have extended the house arrest of Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, giving parents an even better argument when kids complain about how long they’re grounded. “Just be glad you’re not the opposition leader in Burma, young man!”
5. The obesity epidemic among American kids might have peaked. Which is great news for people starving around the world. Maybe there’ll be more food for them now.
Monday, May 26, 2008
5/26
1. Apparently, Hillary Clinton is talking a lot about her religious faith during the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico, because it’s going to take a miracle for her to get the nomination.
2. NASA is celebrating, because they say their Phoenix Lander has successfully set down on Mars, where it began sending back pictures of the barren landscape. But things cooled down when the barren landscape turned out to be someone’s refrigerator.
3. Did you hear that a minor league baseball player was recently traded for 10 bats? Didn’t the Emancipation Proclamation take care of this? Did they check his teeth too?
4. Former President Jimmy Carter says that Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians is one of the worst human rights crimes on Earth. He also said that Israel has about 150 nuclear weapons. And they’re all pointed at his house.
5. So the new Indiana Jones movie earned $126 million at the box office this weekend. Now that‘s worth more than any boring old crystal skull. The sequel should be “Indiana Jones and the Ludicrous Box Office Receipts”.
2. NASA is celebrating, because they say their Phoenix Lander has successfully set down on Mars, where it began sending back pictures of the barren landscape. But things cooled down when the barren landscape turned out to be someone’s refrigerator.
3. Did you hear that a minor league baseball player was recently traded for 10 bats? Didn’t the Emancipation Proclamation take care of this? Did they check his teeth too?
4. Former President Jimmy Carter says that Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians is one of the worst human rights crimes on Earth. He also said that Israel has about 150 nuclear weapons. And they’re all pointed at his house.
5. So the new Indiana Jones movie earned $126 million at the box office this weekend. Now that‘s worth more than any boring old crystal skull. The sequel should be “Indiana Jones and the Ludicrous Box Office Receipts”.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
5/24
1. A new study says when elderly people can’t remember new names, it’s not because their brains are getting worse -- they’re just getting better at filtering out the boring people. This helps explain why my parents keep forgetting my name.
2. On Sunday, a Canadian skydiver will set a new record by falling from almost 25 miles high. It will be the longest and fastest free fall since the reputation of Bill Clinton.
3. A nudist air flight in Germany has been cancelled after too many complaints. Not from the media, but from the crew. Have you been to Germany recently?
4. In Germany, police arrested some parents who offered their baby for sale on e-Bay. Now this was obviously a joke, but the police are now investigating the couple for child abuse. Man, if we had German police in the States, they’d be arresting half of Hollywood.
5. The Russian Communist Party wants to ban the new Indiana Jones movie, because they say: “In 1957, the Communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S.” Do they realize this is also a movie where 60-year-old Harrison Ford leaps from ledge to ledge like Spider-Man? And as any student of modern history knows, in the 1950s, the Communists were running around America with Hitler’s preserved brain.
2. On Sunday, a Canadian skydiver will set a new record by falling from almost 25 miles high. It will be the longest and fastest free fall since the reputation of Bill Clinton.
3. A nudist air flight in Germany has been cancelled after too many complaints. Not from the media, but from the crew. Have you been to Germany recently?
4. In Germany, police arrested some parents who offered their baby for sale on e-Bay. Now this was obviously a joke, but the police are now investigating the couple for child abuse. Man, if we had German police in the States, they’d be arresting half of Hollywood.
5. The Russian Communist Party wants to ban the new Indiana Jones movie, because they say: “In 1957, the Communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the U.S.” Do they realize this is also a movie where 60-year-old Harrison Ford leaps from ledge to ledge like Spider-Man? And as any student of modern history knows, in the 1950s, the Communists were running around America with Hitler’s preserved brain.
Friday, May 23, 2008
5/23
1. The classic painting “The Scream” is now back on display after being stolen a few years ago. [Show picture of the painting while saying the next line.] The painting, of course, depicts a recent Democratic voter.
2. This is true - a car dealership in Missouri is now offering a free gun with every purchase of a car. Customers can pick either the gun or a card good for $250 of gas. Of course, these days, the gas card is only good for a couple weeks, but the gun will be with you for a lot longer than that! Plus, once you have the gun, getting free gas is pretty easy.
3. One of the founders of Google, Larry Page, is in Washington to try to get Congress to allow more companies to use parts of the airwaves called “white spaces”. Like Hillary Clinton has been using the “white spaces” to scoop up extra votes.
4. John McCain has released his medical records to dispel fears that he is too old to be president. Actually, after the beatings that Obama and Clinton have been giving each other, he’s healthier than either of them.
5. Rapper Kanye West has been sued for making jazz samples. This is in contrast to R. Kelly, who is on trial for making jizz samples.
2. This is true - a car dealership in Missouri is now offering a free gun with every purchase of a car. Customers can pick either the gun or a card good for $250 of gas. Of course, these days, the gas card is only good for a couple weeks, but the gun will be with you for a lot longer than that! Plus, once you have the gun, getting free gas is pretty easy.
3. One of the founders of Google, Larry Page, is in Washington to try to get Congress to allow more companies to use parts of the airwaves called “white spaces”. Like Hillary Clinton has been using the “white spaces” to scoop up extra votes.
4. John McCain has released his medical records to dispel fears that he is too old to be president. Actually, after the beatings that Obama and Clinton have been giving each other, he’s healthier than either of them.
5. Rapper Kanye West has been sued for making jazz samples. This is in contrast to R. Kelly, who is on trial for making jizz samples.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
There was a big royal wedding in London yesterday. Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly. They let a tabloid cover the wedding for almost a million dollars. And they would have gotten even more if anyone knew who the hell they were.
Oil executives defended their huge profits in front of the Senate today. They said that it was just a matter of supply and demand. We supply them with money and they demand more.
American Airlines is now going to charge extra for even one checked piece of luggage. No word yet about striped pieces of luggage.
Recently a judge ruled that paper money discriminates against the blind. Yeah, well, tough. It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.
On Friday, a 19-year-old was elected mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma. He originally wanted to be head of fund raising for Barack Obama there, but they told him he was too old.
The first baseman for the NY Yankees, Jason Giambi, says that he wears a gold thong to break out of slumps. Because, you know, normally he wears a pink thong.
American Airlines has $4 billion in cash reserves, but says it could blow through that “fairly quickly”. Now that might seem hard to believe, until you realize it recently hired Heather Mills.
A man in Ohio lost his final appeal to stay in the United States, because a judge ruled that he was a guard in a Nazi prison camp. Now, normally, I would go along with that, but this guy was found not guilty by Israel. That’s like Rush Limbaugh saying you’re not a liberal.
The makers of the Bluetooth headset phone are now focusing more on style and design, which is surprising, since I thought people who used them didn’t realize other people could see them. Bluetooth - -when you want to look like a schizophrenic in style!
Two huge concerts are being held in Mexico City and Buenos Aires to help end child poverty in Latin America. Beginning with the teenagers who maxed out their credit cards to buy tickets.
A new study says grape and apple juice help prevent clogged arteries. Which is good, because almost all the juice at the store is really apple or grape juice. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of that “banana mango strawberry” stuff you’re buying? Apple juice is like the chicken of juices.
Oil executives defended their huge profits in front of the Senate today. They said that it was just a matter of supply and demand. We supply them with money and they demand more.
American Airlines is now going to charge extra for even one checked piece of luggage. No word yet about striped pieces of luggage.
Recently a judge ruled that paper money discriminates against the blind. Yeah, well, tough. It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.
On Friday, a 19-year-old was elected mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma. He originally wanted to be head of fund raising for Barack Obama there, but they told him he was too old.
The first baseman for the NY Yankees, Jason Giambi, says that he wears a gold thong to break out of slumps. Because, you know, normally he wears a pink thong.
American Airlines has $4 billion in cash reserves, but says it could blow through that “fairly quickly”. Now that might seem hard to believe, until you realize it recently hired Heather Mills.
A man in Ohio lost his final appeal to stay in the United States, because a judge ruled that he was a guard in a Nazi prison camp. Now, normally, I would go along with that, but this guy was found not guilty by Israel. That’s like Rush Limbaugh saying you’re not a liberal.
The makers of the Bluetooth headset phone are now focusing more on style and design, which is surprising, since I thought people who used them didn’t realize other people could see them. Bluetooth - -when you want to look like a schizophrenic in style!
Two huge concerts are being held in Mexico City and Buenos Aires to help end child poverty in Latin America. Beginning with the teenagers who maxed out their credit cards to buy tickets.
A new study says grape and apple juice help prevent clogged arteries. Which is good, because almost all the juice at the store is really apple or grape juice. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of that “banana mango strawberry” stuff you’re buying? Apple juice is like the chicken of juices.
5/22
1. John McCain has now rejected the endorsement of televangelist John Hagee, after footage emerged of Hagee saying that God sent Hitler to help Jews reach the promised land. No, actually I think God sent Hitler to let us know who the insane bigoted public figures are. There’s nothing quite like a Hitler quote for that, is there? Other things, you’re like: “Well, yeah, that’s pretty bad, but maybe it got taken out of context.” But Hitler can’t be taken out of context.
2. A new study says that not eating can help cure jet lag, because humans will stay awake until we find food. Hey, how do you think Taco Bell managed to stay in business?
3. A guy in Canada just lost a court case where he found a dead fly in his bottled water. He said it made him depressed. Now, this might seem ridiculous, until you see the guy. [Show footage from the movie “The Fly”.] So it was much more personal for him. You know, I wonder if turning into a giant fly might have had anything to do with his depression.
4. So apparently last night on “American Idol”, many people’s TiVos cut out right as the final name was being announced. So if that was you, I’ll let you know now that the winner was [name guest that night on the show]. And coincidentally he is going to be on our show tonight! So stick around! Aren’t you lucky?
5. I was reading how the airlines are having a hard time because the cost of fuel is so high now, and they said that American Airlines has $4 billion in cash reserves, but they could blow through that “fairly quickly”. Now that might seem hard to believe, until you realize they recently hired Heather Mills.
2. A new study says that not eating can help cure jet lag, because humans will stay awake until we find food. Hey, how do you think Taco Bell managed to stay in business?
3. A guy in Canada just lost a court case where he found a dead fly in his bottled water. He said it made him depressed. Now, this might seem ridiculous, until you see the guy. [Show footage from the movie “The Fly”.] So it was much more personal for him. You know, I wonder if turning into a giant fly might have had anything to do with his depression.
4. So apparently last night on “American Idol”, many people’s TiVos cut out right as the final name was being announced. So if that was you, I’ll let you know now that the winner was [name guest that night on the show]. And coincidentally he is going to be on our show tonight! So stick around! Aren’t you lucky?
5. I was reading how the airlines are having a hard time because the cost of fuel is so high now, and they said that American Airlines has $4 billion in cash reserves, but they could blow through that “fairly quickly”. Now that might seem hard to believe, until you realize they recently hired Heather Mills.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
5/21
1. Oil executives defended their huge profits in front of the Senate today. They said that it was just a matter of supply and demand. We supply them with money and they demand more.
2. Scientists have developed a new nasal spray that increases our trust of strangers. In fact, people who used it continued to trust strangers with their money - even after they were betrayed! You know, I think the government’s been spraying it in voting booths for years. Now there’s something that won’t be abused for the wrong purposes, huh? “Here, try this new perfume. Nice, isn’t it? And would you like to buy some encyclopedias?” Or maybe, “Here, smell these two free tickets to @@@. Now, wouldn’t you rather get out of those stifling clothes?”
3. John McCain is going to meet with potential vice-presidential candidates today. Here’s a picture of him getting off a plane. [Show AP photo from NY Times.] He’s taking that defensive karate stance to fend off Mitt Romney.
4. They say Hillary Clinton is staying in the race because she wants to keep her reputation as a fighter. But you know, in the military, no one brags about friendly fire. “Yeah! Bulls-eye on my own troops! Whoo hoo!! Take that - people on my side!”
5. American Airlines is now going to charge extra for even one checked piece of luggage. There is no word yet about striped pieces of luggage, though.
2. Scientists have developed a new nasal spray that increases our trust of strangers. In fact, people who used it continued to trust strangers with their money - even after they were betrayed! You know, I think the government’s been spraying it in voting booths for years. Now there’s something that won’t be abused for the wrong purposes, huh? “Here, try this new perfume. Nice, isn’t it? And would you like to buy some encyclopedias?” Or maybe, “Here, smell these two free tickets to @@@. Now, wouldn’t you rather get out of those stifling clothes?”
3. John McCain is going to meet with potential vice-presidential candidates today. Here’s a picture of him getting off a plane. [Show AP photo from NY Times.] He’s taking that defensive karate stance to fend off Mitt Romney.
4. They say Hillary Clinton is staying in the race because she wants to keep her reputation as a fighter. But you know, in the military, no one brags about friendly fire. “Yeah! Bulls-eye on my own troops! Whoo hoo!! Take that - people on my side!”
5. American Airlines is now going to charge extra for even one checked piece of luggage. There is no word yet about striped pieces of luggage, though.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
5/20
1. Recently a judge ruled that paper money discriminates against the blind. Yeah, well, tough. It discriminates against me too. Especially when I’m drunk.
2. George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek, is going to marry his long-time partner. Unfortunately, like most people who have contact with Star Trek characters, but aren’t famous enough for dialogue, his partner was killed as soon as he appeared in public.
3. Scientists have now developed a car that drives itself. I’ve been seeing those on the freeways for years, though, with people using cell phones and makeup. At least, I hope the cars were doing the driving.
4. Environmental groups say that video game makers aren’t doing enough to get harmful chemicals out of their consoles. But really, I think most video game players are looking forward to a future apocalyptic wasteland.
5. Barack Obama says that he is now within reach to winning the Democratic nomination. Yeah, the way a surfer is getting pulled unstoppably towards that wave, but his leg is getting chewed off by a shark.
2. George Takei, who played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek, is going to marry his long-time partner. Unfortunately, like most people who have contact with Star Trek characters, but aren’t famous enough for dialogue, his partner was killed as soon as he appeared in public.
3. Scientists have now developed a car that drives itself. I’ve been seeing those on the freeways for years, though, with people using cell phones and makeup. At least, I hope the cars were doing the driving.
4. Environmental groups say that video game makers aren’t doing enough to get harmful chemicals out of their consoles. But really, I think most video game players are looking forward to a future apocalyptic wasteland.
5. Barack Obama says that he is now within reach to winning the Democratic nomination. Yeah, the way a surfer is getting pulled unstoppably towards that wave, but his leg is getting chewed off by a shark.
Monday, May 19, 2008
5/19
1. On Friday, a 19-year-old was elected mayor of the city of Muskogee, Oklahoma. Nineteen. Originally, he wanted to be head of fund raising for Barack Obama, but they told him he was too old.
2. In Naples, Italy, frustrated residents are burning the mountains of garbage that have been piling up for months, because the city’s government has been unable to get rid of them. Yeah, I tried doing that with all the dead hookers in my neighborhood.
3. In Great Britain, the government has voted to allow research into embryos that combine human and animal genes. Right now, this only applies to the embryos of my neighbor - those are not human sounds coming through that wall some nights.
4. A man in Ohio has lost his final appeal to stay in the United States, because an Ohio judge ruled that he was a guard in a Nazi prison camp. Now, normally, I would go along with a ruling like that, but this guy was found not guilty by Israel. Israel! If Israel says that you weren’t a Nazi, then I think I’m going to go with that. It’s like Rush Limbaugh saying you’re not a liberal.
5. In African nation of Mozambique, all of the police are going to have to do special physical training, because the government says they are too fat to chase criminals. It would be even worse, but with food prices so high, most robbers don’t have the strength to run more than a few feet. And can we send some of our police to that training?
2. In Naples, Italy, frustrated residents are burning the mountains of garbage that have been piling up for months, because the city’s government has been unable to get rid of them. Yeah, I tried doing that with all the dead hookers in my neighborhood.
3. In Great Britain, the government has voted to allow research into embryos that combine human and animal genes. Right now, this only applies to the embryos of my neighbor - those are not human sounds coming through that wall some nights.
4. A man in Ohio has lost his final appeal to stay in the United States, because an Ohio judge ruled that he was a guard in a Nazi prison camp. Now, normally, I would go along with a ruling like that, but this guy was found not guilty by Israel. Israel! If Israel says that you weren’t a Nazi, then I think I’m going to go with that. It’s like Rush Limbaugh saying you’re not a liberal.
5. In African nation of Mozambique, all of the police are going to have to do special physical training, because the government says they are too fat to chase criminals. It would be even worse, but with food prices so high, most robbers don’t have the strength to run more than a few feet. And can we send some of our police to that training?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
5/17
1. There was a big royal wedding in London yesterday. Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly. They sold the rights to cover the wedding to a tabloid for almost a million dollars. And they would have gotten even more if anyone knew who the hell they were.
2. The makers of the Bluetooth headset phone are now focusing more on style and design, which is surprising, since I thought people who used them didn’t realize other people could see them. Bluetooth -- when you want to look like a schizophrenic in style!
3. There has been a conference now between fund-raisers for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to see if they can, as one fund-raiser put it, “grope towards unity”. “Grope towards unity.” Especially with some help from Bill Clinton.
4. The first baseman for the NY Yankees, Jason Giambi, says that when he wants to break out of a slump, he wears a gold thong. Because, you know, normally he wears a pink thong.
5. Two concerts are being held in Mexico City and Buenos Aires to help end child poverty in Latin America. Beginning with the teenagers who maxed out their credit cards to buy tickets.
2. The makers of the Bluetooth headset phone are now focusing more on style and design, which is surprising, since I thought people who used them didn’t realize other people could see them. Bluetooth -- when you want to look like a schizophrenic in style!
3. There has been a conference now between fund-raisers for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to see if they can, as one fund-raiser put it, “grope towards unity”. “Grope towards unity.” Especially with some help from Bill Clinton.
4. The first baseman for the NY Yankees, Jason Giambi, says that when he wants to break out of a slump, he wears a gold thong. Because, you know, normally he wears a pink thong.
5. Two concerts are being held in Mexico City and Buenos Aires to help end child poverty in Latin America. Beginning with the teenagers who maxed out their credit cards to buy tickets.
Friday, May 16, 2008
5/16
1. A new study says that people tend to have more negative feelings about female celebrities than male ones. Well, that wouldn’t be the case if they weren’t such bitches.
2. The old boy band from the 1980s, The New Kids on the Block, have reunited! They changed their name, though, to Old Former Millionaires in the Creditors Office.
3. A new study says that drinking grape juice or apple juice will help prevent clogged arteries. Which is good news, because actually almost all the juice at the store is apple or grape juice. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of that “banana mango strawberry” stuff you’re buying? It’s nothing but apple juice with spritzes of those other juices. Apple juice is like the chicken of juices.
4. A cat chasing a mouse caused a 72-hour blackout in the capital of Albania. That’s not really a great advertisement for the country. “Albania - Where Tom and Jerry Rule”.
5. Scientists say that obese people are contributing to the rise of food prices. So now they have one more thing to feel guilty about.
2. The old boy band from the 1980s, The New Kids on the Block, have reunited! They changed their name, though, to Old Former Millionaires in the Creditors Office.
3. A new study says that drinking grape juice or apple juice will help prevent clogged arteries. Which is good news, because actually almost all the juice at the store is apple or grape juice. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of that “banana mango strawberry” stuff you’re buying? It’s nothing but apple juice with spritzes of those other juices. Apple juice is like the chicken of juices.
4. A cat chasing a mouse caused a 72-hour blackout in the capital of Albania. That’s not really a great advertisement for the country. “Albania - Where Tom and Jerry Rule”.
5. Scientists say that obese people are contributing to the rise of food prices. So now they have one more thing to feel guilty about.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
In Australia, a driver has been fined for using a seatbelt to strap down a case of beer, while his five-year-old child played in the back. Now, this being Australia, the reason for the fine was that the beer was not in a beer seat.
Former congressman Bill Barr says that he will run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. His first attack ad says that his main opponent only has a 0.002 chance of winning the presidency, while he, Mr. Barr, as at least a 0.004 chance.
A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.
Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.
In Barcelona, the water reservoir has dropped so low that it revealed an ancient city. Sort of like when I finally mowed the backyard as a teenager and found my five-year-old brother. Or at least, he was five when we last saw him.
In Italy, a man was arrested for using a camera in a duffel bag to photograph thousands of women up their skirts. The police are planning to officially charge him, but first they have to review the evidence for a few… months. And bring in lots of other officers to assist with the review.
Barack Obama tried to congratulate Hillary Clinton on winning the Democratic primary in West Virginia, but was only able to get her voicemail. Maybe she was too busy taking a call from the voices in her head. “You can wiiiin, you can wiiiiin.”
An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.
Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”
President Bush’s daughter Jenna got married over the weekend. My god, is there nothing this man won’t do to improve his polling numbers?
Hillary Clinton’s team attacked Barack Obama today for ignoring West Virginia. Well, I guess that’s the end of those ‘elitist’ claims -- he’s just like the rest of us.
Have you heard that ‘Taser parties’ are becoming popular? I don’t mean parties where people Taser each other for fun. Or as they call them in Germany -- ‘parties’. I mean parties where people can find out more about Tasers and buy them. Sort of like Tupperware, but with more seizures. It may seem odd that the Taser company is acting like Amway, but having a friend in Amway is kind of like getting hit by a Taser. I bet there isn’t a lot of flirting going on at Taser parties. “So, do you want to come back to my place. Ow! Ow!”
Former congressman Bill Barr says that he will run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. His first attack ad says that his main opponent only has a 0.002 chance of winning the presidency, while he, Mr. Barr, as at least a 0.004 chance.
A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.
Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.
In Barcelona, the water reservoir has dropped so low that it revealed an ancient city. Sort of like when I finally mowed the backyard as a teenager and found my five-year-old brother. Or at least, he was five when we last saw him.
In Italy, a man was arrested for using a camera in a duffel bag to photograph thousands of women up their skirts. The police are planning to officially charge him, but first they have to review the evidence for a few… months. And bring in lots of other officers to assist with the review.
Barack Obama tried to congratulate Hillary Clinton on winning the Democratic primary in West Virginia, but was only able to get her voicemail. Maybe she was too busy taking a call from the voices in her head. “You can wiiiin, you can wiiiiin.”
An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.
Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”
President Bush’s daughter Jenna got married over the weekend. My god, is there nothing this man won’t do to improve his polling numbers?
Hillary Clinton’s team attacked Barack Obama today for ignoring West Virginia. Well, I guess that’s the end of those ‘elitist’ claims -- he’s just like the rest of us.
Have you heard that ‘Taser parties’ are becoming popular? I don’t mean parties where people Taser each other for fun. Or as they call them in Germany -- ‘parties’. I mean parties where people can find out more about Tasers and buy them. Sort of like Tupperware, but with more seizures. It may seem odd that the Taser company is acting like Amway, but having a friend in Amway is kind of like getting hit by a Taser. I bet there isn’t a lot of flirting going on at Taser parties. “So, do you want to come back to my place. Ow! Ow!”
5/15
1. John Edwards came out in support of Barack Obama yesterday. And when I say “came out”, I mean he and Obama are going to California to get married. Did you hear? California’s Supreme Court legalized gay marriage today. Environmentalists are upset, however, because of all the trees that will have to be cut down for US magazine’s special 500-page celebrity wedding issue.
2. Divers in France have found the oldest known sculpture of Roman leader Julius Caesar at the bottom of a river. Can we get a picture of that? [Show sculpture with John McCain’s face superimposed on it.] He looked so much younger back then.
3. In Israel, President Bush gave a speech saying that “some seem to believe that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals.” And even though this could refer to a lot of people, Barack Obama said that it was a direct attack on just him. I think Clinton’s gotten him a little too punchy. Like when he slammed Hershey’s for coming out with a new brand of bitter chocolate. “Yeah, like they didn’t know what they were doing.”
4. World food prices went down in April for the first time in 15 months. However, most of that was just because paper and fingernails had been officially designated “food”.
5. In Greece, doctors removed a girl’s absorbed fetal twin from her stomach. Is that what happened to Kirby Puckett?
2. Divers in France have found the oldest known sculpture of Roman leader Julius Caesar at the bottom of a river. Can we get a picture of that? [Show sculpture with John McCain’s face superimposed on it.] He looked so much younger back then.
3. In Israel, President Bush gave a speech saying that “some seem to believe that we should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals.” And even though this could refer to a lot of people, Barack Obama said that it was a direct attack on just him. I think Clinton’s gotten him a little too punchy. Like when he slammed Hershey’s for coming out with a new brand of bitter chocolate. “Yeah, like they didn’t know what they were doing.”
4. World food prices went down in April for the first time in 15 months. However, most of that was just because paper and fingernails had been officially designated “food”.
5. In Greece, doctors removed a girl’s absorbed fetal twin from her stomach. Is that what happened to Kirby Puckett?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
5/14
1. The U.S. government has now listed the polar bear as a threatened species. However, Canada has still not listed polar bears as threatened, even though they make up half the population.
2. A group of scientists are now calling some whales the “cheetahs” of the deep. They don’t mean “cheetahs” like the cats, though - the scientists are just from Boston and they’re tired of losing to the whales at poker.
3. A new cleansing vapor may be able to wipe out the superbug bacteria from hospitals. This is important, because they find the superbug all over hospitals. Sort of the way they find, at least according to my TV, loooove.
4. Jack Black has revealed to the world that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to have twins. Because one of them is his. C’mon, do you really think that she could resist him, being that close, when all she has at home is this Brad guy?
5. John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination. Although the Clinton camp had been courting his endorsement, as soon as it was announced, they dismissed it. “Just because he represents exactly the kind of voter that we’ve been counting on for the past few weeks. This election is about who is the most electable, in, um, upstate Idaho.”
2. A group of scientists are now calling some whales the “cheetahs” of the deep. They don’t mean “cheetahs” like the cats, though - the scientists are just from Boston and they’re tired of losing to the whales at poker.
3. A new cleansing vapor may be able to wipe out the superbug bacteria from hospitals. This is important, because they find the superbug all over hospitals. Sort of the way they find, at least according to my TV, loooove.
4. Jack Black has revealed to the world that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to have twins. Because one of them is his. C’mon, do you really think that she could resist him, being that close, when all she has at home is this Brad guy?
5. John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination. Although the Clinton camp had been courting his endorsement, as soon as it was announced, they dismissed it. “Just because he represents exactly the kind of voter that we’ve been counting on for the past few weeks. This election is about who is the most electable, in, um, upstate Idaho.”
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
5/13
1. In Australia, a driver has been fined for using a seatbelt to strap down a case of beer, while his five-year-old child played in the back. Now, this being Australia, the reason for the fine was that the beer was not in a beer seat.
2. In Barcelona, the water reservoir has dropped so low that it revealed an ancient city. Sort of like when I finally mowed the backyard as a teenager and found my five-year-old brother. Or at least, he was five when we last saw him.
3. In Italy, a man was arrested for using a camera in a duffel bag to photograph thousands of women up their skirts. The police are planning to officially charge him, but first they have to review the evidence for a few… months, and bring in lots of other officers to assist with the review.
4. Barack Obama tried to congratulate Hillary Clinton on winning the Democratic primary in West Virginia, but was only able to get her voicemail. Maybe she was too busy taking a call from the voices in her head. “You can wiiiin, you can wiiiiin.”
5. The army in Lebanon says that it is “ready to use force”. Doesn’t that make it… an army? If an army weren’t ready to use force, it would just be a bunch of guys.
2. In Barcelona, the water reservoir has dropped so low that it revealed an ancient city. Sort of like when I finally mowed the backyard as a teenager and found my five-year-old brother. Or at least, he was five when we last saw him.
3. In Italy, a man was arrested for using a camera in a duffel bag to photograph thousands of women up their skirts. The police are planning to officially charge him, but first they have to review the evidence for a few… months, and bring in lots of other officers to assist with the review.
4. Barack Obama tried to congratulate Hillary Clinton on winning the Democratic primary in West Virginia, but was only able to get her voicemail. Maybe she was too busy taking a call from the voices in her head. “You can wiiiin, you can wiiiiin.”
5. The army in Lebanon says that it is “ready to use force”. Doesn’t that make it… an army? If an army weren’t ready to use force, it would just be a bunch of guys.
Monday, May 12, 2008
5/12
1. Former congressman Bill Barr says that he will run for the presidential nomination of the Libertarian Party. His first attack ad says that his main opponent only has a 0.002 chance of winning the presidency, while he, Mr. Barr, as at least a 0.004 chance.
2. An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.
3. Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”
4. A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.
5. A new study says that breathing air pollution can raise the risk of blood clots. Now, this is supposed to be a bad thing, but I say hey, now we know if you’re going to get stabbed, do it behind a running car.
2. An 11-year-old in West Virginia has sold his video games to contribute the money to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. If I had to choose between Clinton and video games, I’d choose Clinton too. She gives you way more bloody carnage.
3. Scientists say that microwaves can kill invading plants and animals. Although, if the ship is carrying any marshmallow peeps, the results of microwaving could be catastrophic. “Captain, it’s filling the entire ship! We have to get out!”
4. A new robot can handle the needs of life forms in places where the air temperature suddenly drops to chilly subzero levels. It was developed for wherever Clinton and Obama decide to meet each other.
5. A new study says that breathing air pollution can raise the risk of blood clots. Now, this is supposed to be a bad thing, but I say hey, now we know if you’re going to get stabbed, do it behind a running car.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
5/10
1. President Bush’s daughter Jenna got married over the weekend. My god, is there nothing this man won’t do to improve his polling numbers?
2. Hillary Clinton’s team attacked Barack Obama today for ignoring West Virginia. Well, I guess that’s the end of those ‘elitist’ claims -- he’s just like the rest of us.
3. In Florida the other day, a pelican was flying high in the sky and then just dive-bombed to the earth, smacking a woman in the face. And they’ve nicknamed the pelican “Bill Clinton‘s Reputation”.
4. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day here in the United States. This led Hillary Clinton to change her tactics yet again, and claim that people should vote for her in honor of the day. Obama’s team helped her cause when many were heard saying: “That mother…”
5. A giant sinkhole in Texas has recently swallowed a huge amount of oil equipment. Oh my god, the Earth is taking its oil back!
2. Hillary Clinton’s team attacked Barack Obama today for ignoring West Virginia. Well, I guess that’s the end of those ‘elitist’ claims -- he’s just like the rest of us.
3. In Florida the other day, a pelican was flying high in the sky and then just dive-bombed to the earth, smacking a woman in the face. And they’ve nicknamed the pelican “Bill Clinton‘s Reputation”.
4. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day here in the United States. This led Hillary Clinton to change her tactics yet again, and claim that people should vote for her in honor of the day. Obama’s team helped her cause when many were heard saying: “That mother…”
5. A giant sinkhole in Texas has recently swallowed a huge amount of oil equipment. Oh my god, the Earth is taking its oil back!
Friday, May 9, 2008
5/9
1. Have you heard that ‘Taser parties’ are becoming popular? I don’t mean parties where people Taser each other for fun. Or as they call them in Germany -- ‘parties’. I mean parties where people can find out more about Tasers and buy them. Sort of like Tupperware, but with more seizures. It may seem odd that the Taser company is acting like Amway, but having a friend in Amway is kind of like getting hit by a Taser. I bet there isn’t a lot of flirting going on at Taser parties. “So, do you want to come back to my place. Ow! Ow!”
2. Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.
3. The Shia military group Hezbollah has taken over west Beirut after the government tried to shut down its telecommunications network. And you thought YOU were addicted to your cell phone. One of the buildings they attacked is the headquarters of Future News. Future News? Sounds like North Korea’s news station. “Tomorrow there will be dancing in the streets!” Meaning - “Tomorrow, you are going to dance in the streets or we’ll kill you.”
4. A new study says that young people in Europe get drunk in order to, you’re not going to believe this, have sex. Or to put it another way, the study says that young people in Europe… have sex. The study also revealed that some people were “strategically” using alcohol to increase their chances of sex. Excuse me, but that is why tequila shots were invented. Do you think anyone decided to drink those just for the pleasure of it?
5. Some teens in Texas have admitted to using a human skull to make a marijuana bong. Now these were obviously teens, because as you grow older, you learn to never make anything really freaky into a bong. I learned that when I was 17 and made a bong out of an Oprah Winfrey doll.
2. Two planes carrying food arrived in Burma today from Bangladesh. You know you have just had one of the worst natural disasters of all time when you’re taking handouts from Bangladesh. That‘s like taking parenting tips from Billy Ray Cyrus.
3. The Shia military group Hezbollah has taken over west Beirut after the government tried to shut down its telecommunications network. And you thought YOU were addicted to your cell phone. One of the buildings they attacked is the headquarters of Future News. Future News? Sounds like North Korea’s news station. “Tomorrow there will be dancing in the streets!” Meaning - “Tomorrow, you are going to dance in the streets or we’ll kill you.”
4. A new study says that young people in Europe get drunk in order to, you’re not going to believe this, have sex. Or to put it another way, the study says that young people in Europe… have sex. The study also revealed that some people were “strategically” using alcohol to increase their chances of sex. Excuse me, but that is why tequila shots were invented. Do you think anyone decided to drink those just for the pleasure of it?
5. Some teens in Texas have admitted to using a human skull to make a marijuana bong. Now these were obviously teens, because as you grow older, you learn to never make anything really freaky into a bong. I learned that when I was 17 and made a bong out of an Oprah Winfrey doll.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Interesting headline from the BBC above. So they do, so they do… Yeah, like the writer didn’t know what he was doing. Now we know that the BBC has temp workers. Although, I hear the writer’s uncle is a plastic surgeon. The scientists in the article say they’ve been studying great tits since 1947. I’ve only been studying them since about 1985. True story, this reminds me of when I was a writer for Marubeni Corp. in Japan, and they wanted an article about starting a trading house for Dubai’s Department of Petroleum and Energy. I wanted to title it: “Marubeni enters Middle East DOPE trade”.
Barack Obama has won the presidential caucus in Guam by just seven votes. And he won unanimously.
The movie “Iron Man” is coming out on Friday. It’s about a guy covered in protective armor, impervious to outside forces, who just keeps going and going, no matter how low the odds or how much damage he has to do. It’s based on a comic book about Hillary Clinton.
The video game Grand Theft Auto IV brought in $500 million in its first week. So now we know where all those stimulus checks went.
At San Diego State University, a student majoring in criminal justice was arrested for drugs and guns. He explained that by “criminal justice”, he meant settling scores.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are both using movies to symbolize their campaigns in Indiana. Clinton, for example, is showing “Hoosiers”, about an Indiana small town basketball team that wins the state championship. Obama, on the other hand, is showing “Children of the Corn”, which is about a cult of teenagers running amok through farmlands.
In Ecuador, a female lawmaker wants a woman’s right to sexual happiness in the constitution. But male lawmakers say if they do pass the amendment, they want to do it very quickly, with no debate before or after. They might also want to pass the amendment a few more times that day.
The Chicago White Sox baseball team has been using blow-up sex dolls to break their six-game losing streak. And the dolls are now batting better than most of the team. It’s so easy for them to get to third base.
After yesterday’s primaries, Hillary Clinton vowed to stay in the race “until the nominee is chosen”. She later clarified that by “chosen”, she meant Jewish. Basically, she’s waiting for the return of the Messiah, which is about what would have to happen for her to get the nomination.
A new study says that having short arms and legs may make people more likely to lose their memory when they get older. That’s why you can’t trust an Ewok after 40.
5/8
1. Interesting headline from the BBC above. So they do, so they do… Yeah, like the writer didn’t know what he was doing. Now we know that the BBC has temp workers. Although, I hear the writer’s uncle is a plastic surgeon. The scientists in the article say they’ve been studying great tits since 1947. I’ve only been studying them since about 1985. True story, this reminds me of when I was a writer for Marubeni Corp. in Japan, and they wanted an article about starting a trading house for Dubai’s Department of Petroleum and Energy. I wanted to title it: “Marubeni enters Middle East DOPE trade”.
2. A new study shows that about one in ten employees has been drunk at work. Good to see that, once again, the staff of @@@ is well above average! Some of the heaviest drinkers were in information technology. Do you think sober people thought of names like Yahoo! and Google? Some analysts said that people drank at work to cope with stress. Man, I just masturbate in the supply closet.
3. A new study says that nearly a third of the population spends more than 10 hours a day sitting, and that humans were not designed to be this sedentary. This is why I propose that supermarkets hide their food, so that we can forage like our ancestors. That’s what we do with interns on this show. [An intern slowly sneaks into camera view, then quickly darts a hand into @@@’s pocket, grabs a candy bar, and scurries away.]
4. The Chicago White Sox baseball team has been using blow-up sex dolls to break their six-game losing streak. And the dolls are now batting better than most of the team. It’s so easy for them to get to third base.
5. A new virus is invading file-sharing networks. It immediately fills the user’s screen with all these annoying loud pop-up ads. Now who is going to want to buy anything from a company that does that? [Fill screen with garish ads for @@@.] Well, okay.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
5/7
1. The movie “Terminator 4” has started filming. Yeah, this is true. And we have an exclusive photo of the indestructible cyborg. [Show picture of Amy Winehouse.] You thought we were going to show Hillary Clinton, didn’t you? No, that’s the sequel.
2. After yesterday’s primaries, Hillary Clinton vowed to stay in the race “until the nominee is chosen”. She later clarified that by “chosen”, she meant Jewish. Basically, she’s waiting for the return of the Messiah, which is about what would have to happen for her to get the nomination.
3. The video game Grand Theft Auto IV brought in $500 million in its first week. So now we know where all those stimulus checks went.
4. Scientists have now mapped out the genetic code of the duck-billed platypus. Did you know that the platypus is poisonous? It’s one of only two poisonous mammals, the other one being Ashton Kutcher, though his special venom is only fatal to movies.
5. Russia swore in a new president today. In his inauguration speech, he said: “Human rights and freedoms are deemed of the highest value.” Which is why he then said he would auction them off.
2. After yesterday’s primaries, Hillary Clinton vowed to stay in the race “until the nominee is chosen”. She later clarified that by “chosen”, she meant Jewish. Basically, she’s waiting for the return of the Messiah, which is about what would have to happen for her to get the nomination.
3. The video game Grand Theft Auto IV brought in $500 million in its first week. So now we know where all those stimulus checks went.
4. Scientists have now mapped out the genetic code of the duck-billed platypus. Did you know that the platypus is poisonous? It’s one of only two poisonous mammals, the other one being Ashton Kutcher, though his special venom is only fatal to movies.
5. Russia swore in a new president today. In his inauguration speech, he said: “Human rights and freedoms are deemed of the highest value.” Which is why he then said he would auction them off.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
5/6
1. A new study says that babies who are breast-fed have higher IQs. Unfortunately, there’s still no word yet on whether it helps grown men. I wish this sort of thing had come out when I was in college. It would have given new meaning to ‘study session’. “No, you don‘t understand, babe, I just have a big test tomorrow.”
2. The Chinese president is making a five-day visit to Japan. The summit is expected to go well, which goes to show that sometimes it helps to have really really boring leaders.
3. Today, a violinist gave a private performance to a cab driver who returned his 285-year old violin, which I hear was originally made by John McCain. The violin was valued at $4 million. Good thing the Clinton campaign didn’t get a hold of it. The violinist will be playing in the cab waiting area at the airport in Newark, New Jersey. However, even though it’s Jersey, he says he won’t take requests for “Don’t Stop Believing”. He also plans to make a little spare change by leaving his violin case open. The drivers ended up dancing and one, this is true, called out: “Magic fingers!” It wasn’t because of the playing, but because the guy gave out massages too.
4. At San Diego State University, a student majoring in criminal justice was arrested for drugs and guns. He explained that by “criminal justice”, he meant settling scores.
5. Park rangers in India are thrilled that two tiger cubs have recently been born there. They’ll be having an auction to sell their penises later in the week. With luck, they’ll be able to grow up and eat some of the rampant overpopulation.
2. The Chinese president is making a five-day visit to Japan. The summit is expected to go well, which goes to show that sometimes it helps to have really really boring leaders.
3. Today, a violinist gave a private performance to a cab driver who returned his 285-year old violin, which I hear was originally made by John McCain. The violin was valued at $4 million. Good thing the Clinton campaign didn’t get a hold of it. The violinist will be playing in the cab waiting area at the airport in Newark, New Jersey. However, even though it’s Jersey, he says he won’t take requests for “Don’t Stop Believing”. He also plans to make a little spare change by leaving his violin case open. The drivers ended up dancing and one, this is true, called out: “Magic fingers!” It wasn’t because of the playing, but because the guy gave out massages too.
4. At San Diego State University, a student majoring in criminal justice was arrested for drugs and guns. He explained that by “criminal justice”, he meant settling scores.
5. Park rangers in India are thrilled that two tiger cubs have recently been born there. They’ll be having an auction to sell their penises later in the week. With luck, they’ll be able to grow up and eat some of the rampant overpopulation.
Monday, May 5, 2008
5/5
1. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are both using movies to symbolize their campaigns in Indiana. Clinton, for example, is showing “Hoosiers”, about an Indiana small town basketball team that wins the state championship. Obama, on the other hand, is showing “Children of the Corn”, which is about a cult of teenagers running amok through farmlands.
2. The trains in Chicago have taken down ads for the violent video game “Grand Theft Auto IV”. Now, you’d think they would want people to buy a video game that makes driving look so dangerous. But it’s having the opposite effect on teens. So instead, the trains are trying to promote “Subway Car Mugger III”.
3. At a cave used by British soldiers during World War I, there is supposedly a mysterious carving of a woman’s face on the wall, but can we get a picture of that? [Show BBC picture of carving, which is of a nude woman.] I don’t think that’s a face, though there are a couple cheeks and two lips.
4. Some tour groups in Brazil are now offering the chance to meet armed drug dealers. In the United States these days, we just call that “going to Idaho”.
5. A new study says that having short arms and legs may make people more likely to lose their memory when they get older. That’s why you can’t trust an Ewok after 40.
2. The trains in Chicago have taken down ads for the violent video game “Grand Theft Auto IV”. Now, you’d think they would want people to buy a video game that makes driving look so dangerous. But it’s having the opposite effect on teens. So instead, the trains are trying to promote “Subway Car Mugger III”.
3. At a cave used by British soldiers during World War I, there is supposedly a mysterious carving of a woman’s face on the wall, but can we get a picture of that? [Show BBC picture of carving, which is of a nude woman.] I don’t think that’s a face, though there are a couple cheeks and two lips.
4. Some tour groups in Brazil are now offering the chance to meet armed drug dealers. In the United States these days, we just call that “going to Idaho”.
5. A new study says that having short arms and legs may make people more likely to lose their memory when they get older. That’s why you can’t trust an Ewok after 40.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
5/3
1. A man in Texas has been arrested for trying to cash a check for $360 billion. Apparently, he was working for the Clinton campaign.
2. Barack Obama has won the presidential caucus in Guam by just seven votes. And he won unanimously.
3. In Ecuador, a female lawmaker wants a woman’s right to sexual happiness in the constitution. But male lawmakers say if they do pass the amendment, they want to do it very quickly, with no debate before or after. They might also want to pass the amendment a few more times that day.
4. Nestle is in trouble because it put a CD-ROM in a breakfast cereal in the country of Azerbaijan. The CD-ROM said that the country had started a war. This is the biggest cereal toy controversy since Cheerios gave out a doll of the “Honey Nut”, and it looked like Ralph Nader.
5. Opposition activists in Egypt are getting ready to strike against rising food prices in the country. All that marching is going to make people kind of hungry, though, isn’t it?
2. Barack Obama has won the presidential caucus in Guam by just seven votes. And he won unanimously.
3. In Ecuador, a female lawmaker wants a woman’s right to sexual happiness in the constitution. But male lawmakers say if they do pass the amendment, they want to do it very quickly, with no debate before or after. They might also want to pass the amendment a few more times that day.
4. Nestle is in trouble because it put a CD-ROM in a breakfast cereal in the country of Azerbaijan. The CD-ROM said that the country had started a war. This is the biggest cereal toy controversy since Cheerios gave out a doll of the “Honey Nut”, and it looked like Ralph Nader.
5. Opposition activists in Egypt are getting ready to strike against rising food prices in the country. All that marching is going to make people kind of hungry, though, isn’t it?
Friday, May 2, 2008
5/2
1. The movie “Iron Man” is coming out on Friday. It’s about a guy covered in protective armor, impervious to outside forces, who just keeps going and going, no matter how low the odds or how much damage he has to do. It’s based on a comic book about Hillary Clinton.
2. Scientists have observed a seal trying to have sex with a penguin. The scientists think it might have been because the seal was just a frustrated and inexperienced young male. This is why you shouldn’t have pets around teenagers. That’s how new diseases get into our society. The scientists also say it might have been a playful act that turned sexual. Oh man, how many women have been there? ‘I thought we were just having a friendly wrestling match in the nude, and suddenly it turned all weird.’
3. Hillary Clinton has said that the primaries on Tuesday are “game-changers”. Specifically, they’re changing the game from chess to Genga. Who can pull out the most sticks before the whole Democratic Party collapses?
4. A man in India is planning to hang from a helicopter by his ponytail. And apparently, he’s already pulled a train with the ponytail. This reminds me of Jenny McDougal in my third grade class. I’d yank on that ponytail and she’d pull me halfway across the room. The man says that he keeps the hair strong by rubbing mustard oil into it. Mustard oil. Maybe that’s why Jenny McDougal’s hair was so strong. We’d rub all sorts of things into it while her back was turned. If you’re watching, Jenny, I apologize. It was just my way of saying that I liked you.
5. Miley Cyrus has pulled out of a Disney event, because she’s still embarrassed over those magazine photos of her. Excuse me, other Disney stars have included Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears. So far, Miley’s still the good girl.
2. Scientists have observed a seal trying to have sex with a penguin. The scientists think it might have been because the seal was just a frustrated and inexperienced young male. This is why you shouldn’t have pets around teenagers. That’s how new diseases get into our society. The scientists also say it might have been a playful act that turned sexual. Oh man, how many women have been there? ‘I thought we were just having a friendly wrestling match in the nude, and suddenly it turned all weird.’
3. Hillary Clinton has said that the primaries on Tuesday are “game-changers”. Specifically, they’re changing the game from chess to Genga. Who can pull out the most sticks before the whole Democratic Party collapses?
4. A man in India is planning to hang from a helicopter by his ponytail. And apparently, he’s already pulled a train with the ponytail. This reminds me of Jenny McDougal in my third grade class. I’d yank on that ponytail and she’d pull me halfway across the room. The man says that he keeps the hair strong by rubbing mustard oil into it. Mustard oil. Maybe that’s why Jenny McDougal’s hair was so strong. We’d rub all sorts of things into it while her back was turned. If you’re watching, Jenny, I apologize. It was just my way of saying that I liked you.
5. Miley Cyrus has pulled out of a Disney event, because she’s still embarrassed over those magazine photos of her. Excuse me, other Disney stars have included Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears. So far, Miley’s still the good girl.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
The number of pregnant women reporting odd food cravings is on the rise. The really surprising one, though, is that a lot of women say they have cravings for coal. Except in California, where they have a craving for solar panels.
The candy maker Mars is going to buy chewing gum maker Wrigley. Are they also going to adopt Wrigley’s vaguely sexualized ad campaigns? “Could I have a bite of your knickers? Wait, I mean Snickers.” “Try a threesome -- a Three Musketeers. They‘re not just big on chocolate.”
A factory in China has apparently been making Free Tibet flags. So it’s official -- Chinese factories will make anything. And we’re surprised they’re letting lead get in our toys.
The Olympic torch is in Japan today, and for the first time, both the right and left wings in Japan will protest together. The left wing wants China to leave Tibet, while the right wing wants Japan to take over instead.
The Greek island of Lesbos is suing a gay rights organization for using the name “lesbian”. Similar suits against Quentin Tarantino are coming from the island of Motherfuck.
President Bush has offered $770 million in international food aid to help with soaring food prices. Unfortunately, all the money is going to buy pork rinds.
The inventor of LSD died yesterday. It’s okay, though, because he’s expected to come back suddenly several years from now while I’m walking down the street. He was Swiss, which isn’t surprising. Any country that would invent the cuckoo clock must have had something going on.
The Olympic torch went through North Korea yesterday. And Kim Jong Il wanted to show that North Korea is just as good as any other country, so forty people ran in front of the torch in perfect unison, yelled “Free Tibet!”, then goosestepped away. The North Koreans later continued their protest by stealing the torch, selling it for scrap, and eating the relay runner.
Two pieces of dinosaur dung which are now solid rock were sold in New York City. Dinosaurs obviously weren’t eating enough fiber.
The Senate has decided to award Aung San Suu Kyi, the pro-democracy leader in Burma, with its highest honor. However, the only reason is that her name sounds like the first line of “The Star Spangled Banner”.
The candy maker Mars is going to buy chewing gum maker Wrigley. Are they also going to adopt Wrigley’s vaguely sexualized ad campaigns? “Could I have a bite of your knickers? Wait, I mean Snickers.” “Try a threesome -- a Three Musketeers. They‘re not just big on chocolate.”
A factory in China has apparently been making Free Tibet flags. So it’s official -- Chinese factories will make anything. And we’re surprised they’re letting lead get in our toys.
The Olympic torch is in Japan today, and for the first time, both the right and left wings in Japan will protest together. The left wing wants China to leave Tibet, while the right wing wants Japan to take over instead.
The Greek island of Lesbos is suing a gay rights organization for using the name “lesbian”. Similar suits against Quentin Tarantino are coming from the island of Motherfuck.
President Bush has offered $770 million in international food aid to help with soaring food prices. Unfortunately, all the money is going to buy pork rinds.
The inventor of LSD died yesterday. It’s okay, though, because he’s expected to come back suddenly several years from now while I’m walking down the street. He was Swiss, which isn’t surprising. Any country that would invent the cuckoo clock must have had something going on.
The Olympic torch went through North Korea yesterday. And Kim Jong Il wanted to show that North Korea is just as good as any other country, so forty people ran in front of the torch in perfect unison, yelled “Free Tibet!”, then goosestepped away. The North Koreans later continued their protest by stealing the torch, selling it for scrap, and eating the relay runner.
Two pieces of dinosaur dung which are now solid rock were sold in New York City. Dinosaurs obviously weren’t eating enough fiber.
The Senate has decided to award Aung San Suu Kyi, the pro-democracy leader in Burma, with its highest honor. However, the only reason is that her name sounds like the first line of “The Star Spangled Banner”.
5/1
1. Two pieces of dinosaur dung which are now solid rock were sold in New York City. Dinosaurs obviously weren’t eating enough fiber.
2. The Greek island of Lesbos is suing a gay rights organization for using the name “lesbian”. Similar suits against Quentin Tarantino are coming from the island of Motherfuck.
3. President Bush has offered $770 million in international food aid to help with soaring food prices. Unfortunately, all the money is going to buy pork rinds.
4. Magician David Blaine has set a new world record by holding his breath for over 17 minutes on the Oprah Winfrey show. The previous record was 16 minutes, also set on the Oprah Winfrey Show, when one of the audience members was so excited, she stopped breathing.
5. New research has found that some computer keyboards have more harmful bacteria than toilets. In fact, one keyboard they tested had five times more germs than a toilet seat. Of course, that keyboard was owned by Pamela Anderson, so it’s not really a big surprise.
2. The Greek island of Lesbos is suing a gay rights organization for using the name “lesbian”. Similar suits against Quentin Tarantino are coming from the island of Motherfuck.
3. President Bush has offered $770 million in international food aid to help with soaring food prices. Unfortunately, all the money is going to buy pork rinds.
4. Magician David Blaine has set a new world record by holding his breath for over 17 minutes on the Oprah Winfrey show. The previous record was 16 minutes, also set on the Oprah Winfrey Show, when one of the audience members was so excited, she stopped breathing.
5. New research has found that some computer keyboards have more harmful bacteria than toilets. In fact, one keyboard they tested had five times more germs than a toilet seat. Of course, that keyboard was owned by Pamela Anderson, so it’s not really a big surprise.
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