1. The inventor of LSD died yesterday. It’s okay, though, because he’s expected to come back suddenly several years from now while I’m walking down the street. He was Swiss, which isn’t surprising. Any country that would invent the cuckoo clock must have had something going on.
2. The country of Belarus has expelled 10 U.S. diplomats because the U.S. has imposed sanctions on them. In the meantime, they’re desperately trying to find oil there so the U.S. won’t mind them so much. You see there’s an “oil threshold” for dictatorships at the White House. If your production dips below a certain level, and you’re still a dictatorship, then the sanctions start. Freedom or oil - you have to produce one of them.
3. A man in Ohio has regrown part of his finger, thanks to new medical technology. Apparently, you put this stuff from a pig bladder on the cut, and it regrows. Muslims are already talking about a conspiracy, because if it’s made from pigs, they can’t use it.
4. A giant inflatable pig used during a rock concert in California has been recovered. Man, I was worried about that. It was found in tatters in the driveways of two separate houses. Damaged parts of the driveways are already starting to regrow.
5. A research station in the Ivory Coast is trying to sell a three-headed palm tree to raise money. It was created by blending the genes of a normal tree with Ghidra the Three-Headed Monster. (Show footage from old Japanese Godzilla movie.)
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