4/14

1. A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex was sold for $1.5 million yesterday. The collector says that he doesn’t plan to ever distribute it to the public. Apparently he just wants to jack off to it in private. He bought the film from the son of a dead FBI informant. Man, that must have been some blowjob! J. Edgar Hoover apparently had nine people at a time working on it in a lab to find ways to figure out if it was John F. Kennedy. I bet it was tough to get people to work on that project.

2. The Pope has arrived in the U.S. for a six-day visit. He plans to meet with President Bush, perform Mass at Yankee Stadium, and watch the Marilyn Monroe oral sex film. People always say this Pope likes to see things in black and white.

3. American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?

4. The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.

5. Senator Obama made a horrible mistake this weekend. Speaking at an event, he said that when people lose their jobs, they get bitter, and “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment.” Yes, Obama made the error of almost telling the truth. And you can believe the other candidates jumped on THAT!