1. This is true - a class from Randolph College in Virginia recently took a field trip to a brothel in Nevada. Yes, I’m sure all the students in the audience are wondering how to transfer there now. Of course, you’re not going to do that if you keep skipping class to come to my show. Anyway, there were no points for extra credit. There were a lot of problems during the class, because many wanted to be kept after.
2. In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)
3. China insists that it is unconcerned about threats of boycotts. It expressed “strong indignation” at our Congress for condemning the violence in Tibet. Jacques Rogge, the head of the International Olympic Committee, said that the Olympics will “rebound from crisis”. Okay, I think you’re using the royal “Olympics” there. This guy seems like one of those jittery event planners from 1960s movies, when they couldn’t come right out and say someone was gay, but we knew what was going on.
4. Protesters along the Olympic torch route in Argentina promised “entertaining surprises”. (Cut to doctored photo of people dancing tango with water hoses in their hands.) It was the first ever tango protest.
5. The government is now offering fast-track visas to Cubans with relatives in the States. It used to take three to seven years to process visa applications, but now it will only take months. Um, why haven’t they been doing this before? Why did it take seven years before? Were people just being officially lazy? How do you speed up visa applications? And you know the really pissed people are the ones just getting their visas after seven years. “You mean you could have done this in two months?!”
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