1. In Australia, two police officers handcuffed a man and put him in their car while they went to look for more evidence. While they were gone, the guy got into the front seat and drove off. Which was exactly the sort of evidence they were looking for.
2. The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.
3. Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.
4. A woman is going to stand trial for stalking John Cusack. She was apparently throwing letters over his fence with rocks and screwdrivers inside. Screwdrivers? Maybe she was just trying to get him to notice one of his doors was crooked. Or just implying that she wanted to have a drink.
5. Delta Airlines and Northwest Airlines have announced plans to merge. The new airline will become the largest in the world, demonstrating once again that bad service is no barrier to growth.
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