4/24

1. In the country of Turkmenistan, the current president is switching the names of the months back from the names that the crazy former president made up. I hope the new president of our country has the guts to change that bizarre “May” back. Some of our older viewers will remember that the original name was “April”, which was somewhat confusing, so it was sometimes referred to as “April Part II”.

2. The fast food chain Arby’s is buying Wendy’s. They did it because they’re running out of apostrophes. This is actually the worst apostrophe shortage since the early 1990s, when Starbucks had to change its name from the original S’t’a’r’b’u’c’k’s. People have said that the founder, Dave Thomas, must be rolling in his grave, but considering his size when he died, that would have to be a pretty big coffin.

3. 72% of the French are unhappy with their president’s performance, while 65% don’t think that he’s kept campaign promises. Sooo, there are 7% who think that he’s kept his promises, but really wish he hadn’t. Sort of like Hillary Clinton -- she promised to keep fighting, and so many of us wish that she wasn’t keeping that promise.

4. Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years for tax evasion. The media showed this riveting footage of the event. (Show the one and a half minutes of Snipes simply walking up to the courthouse.) All right, yes, there! He almost got hit by the car. That would have been exciting. Now he’s patting his coat. Smiling. The entourage is walking. Smiling again. Ooo, nice teeth. Victory sign. Bad precedent there. Bowing like they do in Thailand. Not sure what that means. Now he’s going inside. Wait, he’s pausing! He might say something! No, he’s going inside. Then we get the option to play it again! Yes!

5. Teen singer Miley Cyrus is worth $1 billion. $1 billion! Yet, it would take 58 of her to equal one Bill Gates. Not in terms of money - Gates has just been eating a lot recently.