1. Did you see the capture of those pirates in Somalia recently? Do we have footage of that? (Show footage.) Wow, they’re not messing around, that Recording Industry. Remember, kids, downloading copyrighted music is a crime.
2. Pope Benedict spoke at the United Nations today. And in honor of the traditions of diplomats at the UN, he double parked the Popemobile and threw the ticket in the trash.
3. A hypnotist in Britain chose to hypnotize himself before having surgery, and didn’t take any anesthesia. He also entertained the doctors with a little bump and grind, but he says that he just felt like it. Nothing to do with the hypnotism.
4. There have been reports that Vladimir Putin is going to divorce his wife and marry a younger woman. He’s been looking at French President Nicolas Sarkozy and thinking, “I want nude photos of MY wife to get sold at auction. Of course, I’d have the seller shot, but it’s just the principle.”
5. You know the Freedom Tower, the building they’re trying to put up at Ground Zero? Some homeless guy found secret blueprints for it in the trash. The guy gave the blueprints to the New York Post, in thanks for all the newspaper had done over the years to keep him warm. The Freedom Tower will be the tallest building in the United States, because by the time it’s finally finished, all the other buildings will have rotted away.
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