1. So a man in Russia recently woke up, and found that he had a six-inch knife in his back. Actually, HIS WIFE is the one who noticed the knife and called an ambulance. Media outlets said he “had been drinking vodka.” Oh really? Wouldn’t have guessed that one! And he got stabbed by a friend. When he woke up at the friend’s work, he got on a bus, went home, and had some sausage before falling asleep, all with the knife in his back. Doctor’s say he’s fine, but the friend is facing trial, EVEN THOUGH the guy who got stabbed isn’t upset. He said, and I quote, “We were drinking and what doesn’t happen when you’re drunk?” Well, I am not getting drunk in Russia, if that’s what happens when you’re drunk. If I wake up from a night of drinking and there’s a knife in my back, I want it to be from a naked woman. Plus, the guy who stabbed him is a security guard. A security guard getting drunk and stabbing people. I hope he gets a raise. No one’s going to dare break into his place.
2. Police in Spain have arrested 87 Nigerians for running an e-mail scam that fooled at least 1,500 people and got almost $40 million. Why does anyone still fall for those things? They always begin with lines like, “Dearest Sir That I Am Writing This Letter to Dear Sir or Madam”. Does that sound like a lottery official? No, wait, don’t answer that.
3. A new study says that being fat might make you fatter. No, wait, hear me out. It starts to make sense. You see, the fat makes a hormone that makes you hungry, so you eat more, and get more fat, which makes more of the hormone, so you’re even hungrier. Scientists said that the answer therefore lies in… (band member: “Eat less and exercise!”) That’s right - drugs!
4. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?
5. The prostate cancer rate has fallen dramatically since screening became more common, but a new study says that might not be the reason. Well, I can say that prostate massages have certainly been nice for me.
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