BEST OF THE WEEK

The Pope has arrived in the U.S. for a six-day visit. He plans to meet with President Bush, perform Mass at Yankee Stadium, and watch the Marilyn Monroe oral sex film. People always say this Pope likes to see things in black and white.

American Airlines says it’s back to normal after massive flight cancellations over the weekend. Yes, back to normal -- horrible food and bad service. Thank god. How about back to “better”?

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says the link between his country and the United States is stronger than ever. Really? More than during World War II?

The Chinese Environmental Protection Agency says that China is now the world’s biggest polluter. The Chinese government immediately announced a plan to improve the data -- they would hold a conference of Environmental Protection Agency officials… and shoot them. They’re also thinking about reclassifying carbon dioxide as a Western conspiracy. And China has an Environmental Protection Agency? That must be the easiest job in the world. ‘You say your machine is actually fuelled by baby panda bears? Sounds okay to us!’ I think they just play softball everyday with the Chinese Committee on Human Rights.

Prosecutors of Wesley Snipes, who was found guilty of tax evasion, say that putting him in prison is a “singular opportunity” to “deter tax crime nationwide.” No, I think the best opportunity to deter tax crime nationwide is to stop using taxes to pay for crazy shit.

The Chinese government is taking extreme measures to keep pollution down. That’s why they’re sending the torch going all over the world. That thing pollutes like you wouldn’t believe.

The king of Norway has opened a new opera house there. He said he’s tired of all those fakers around the world wearing Viking helmets.

In Australia, two police officers handcuffed a man and put him in their car while they went to look for more evidence. While they were gone, the guy got into the front seat and drove off. Which was exactly the sort of evidence they were looking for.

In London, $91,000 was paid for a nude photo of the French First Lady. Which beats the previous record of $85,000 paid for a nude photo of Barbara Bush. (It was very helpful for getting pandas to mate.)