1. Did you know the Olympics has a contact sport this year? Can we show that footage? (Show clip of a protester tackling the torch runner.) It was Tibet’s first gold medal.
2. The Pulitzer prizes for journalism were given out yesterday. These are always odd, because it’s like: “Yay! We won a big prize for describing that… horrible massacre. Um, cheers?”
3. Did you hear about this school bus in Cleveland that went out of control? An 11-year-old student managed to get behind the wheel and steer the bus into a concrete pillar. The police said the kid saved the passengers. You know, that’s what I tried to explain to the cops when I drove into a concrete pillar. ‘Hey, who knows how many people would have died if I’d kept driving?’ But they didn’t see the logic. Maybe I should have had my nephew drive.
4. Many people are apparently voting for Obama because their children have been bugging them to do it. Should presidential campaigns be trying to imitate sugar cereals? Are the campaign brochures going to have colorful mazes on their backs? (sing) “He’s a honey of an O-bama / He’s honey-nut… O-bama!”
5. After trying to stigmatize Obama with rumors of cocaine, it’s ironic that Hillary Clinton’s chief strategist was taken down by connections to Colombia.
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