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1. This year, global temperatures will be affected by La Nina, which is when the central Pacific Ocean cools down. Luckily, John McCain is going swimming there soon, which should lift the temperatures back up. He’s a fiery guy!

2. A letter written by Lincoln sold for a record $3.4 million. It was a response to 195 children who asked him to free all the little slave children. Lincoln’s beautiful and resounding prose can basically be summed up as: “No, but thanks for writing.”

3. Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer on a plane. A spokesperson for Campbell said, and I quote: “Once on the plane she was told one bag could not be found and was missing. British Airways decided to resolve this by insisting she leave the flight and then called the police to forcibly eject her.” You know, I think you might be leaving something out. I’ve never had a flight attendant tell me: “Excuse me, sir, um, we seem to have lost one of your bags. NOW GET THE HELL OFF OUR PLANE!”

4. In Venezuela, Hugo Chavez has announced the nationalization of the country’s cement industry. The plan is a little watery now, but Chavez’s opponents are worried that once it solidifies, it will be hard to break.

5. A new study shows that binge drinking damages memory. Thank god! If it didn’t, there wouldn’t be much reason to binge drink.