1. Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo has apparently picked up three prostitutes who turned out to be men. As usual, other nations just keep wanting to prove that our sex scandals are so boring. The transvestite prostitutes took Ronaldo’s identification and allegedly tried to extort money from him, because then they’d found out his last name and were going to tell the world!
2. In New Zealand, scientists are examining the body of a rare ‘colossal squid’. The ‘colossal squid’ is not the same as the ‘giant squid’, apparently. And neither of them is as big as the ‘really humongous squid’ or the ‘Charles Barkley squid’.
3. A new government report says that Iraq will have oil revenue of $70 billion this year, and only about half of it will go to people who want to kill Americans!
4. Turkey has reformed its laws that ban any insult against Turkishness. Now, instead, the law will just be against insulting the Turkish nation. Whew! And the penalty will be only two years instead of three. Double whew!
5. A mayor in Chile is going to hand out free Viagra to older residents of his town. He said it was about giving the elderly a better quality of life. But I think he just wants to kill them off from heart attacks.
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