1. A flight from Bangladesh to London was delayed 10 hours because all of the plane’s five toilets were plugged up. According to the airline, the main problem was that too many of the passengers had actually eaten in Bangladesh. Though to be honest, the same problem often occurs when flying out of London.
2. The Today Show is hiring Jenna Bush as a reporter, continuing the Bush tradition of getting jobs without demonstrating any particular competence. Some people are wondering if she’ll be able to wake up that early, but they don’t understand that it will actually be the last thing she does before going to bed.
3. Reports say that more and more Italians are binge drinking. You mean Italians have been sober this whole time? What the hell are they going to be like now?
4. A 71-year-old Olympic swimming champion in Australia stopped a robber by kicking him in the groin. She says she learned how to effectively kick groins from Australian swimming competitions.
5. A 10-year-old boy in Illinois has gotten some fame for his prized collection of vacuum cleaners. It all started because of his second hobby -- scaring dogs.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
An internet security firm said that searches for Jessica Biel result in more scam websites with viruses than any other celebrity. Because those are the only websites still writing about her career.
A new study says colleges and prisons have been hit hardest by state budget cuts. Some states are thinking long-term by cutting MBA programs, which will lower the number of prison inmates down the road.
Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”
New laws require cigarette packs to have graphic images showing the risks of tobacco. For example, photos of cancerous mouths. Or of President Obama desperately hiding from reporters while smoking.
A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.
KFC is now testing a ‘sandwich’ with fried chicken instead of bread buns. Basically, it’s just a mass of fried chicken, cheese, and bacon in your hands. KFC says it’s an attempt to bring customers back to a simpler, more innocent age -- before utensils were invented. One problem KFC found was that many people tragically couldn’t tell where the sandwich ended and their fingers began. Also, the addition of grilled chicken to its menu meant that KFC was no longer filling its federal heart attack quota. The sandwich is going to be known as the ‘KFC’ too, which stands for ‘Kwik Fucking Coronary’.
President Obama plans to read six books on his current vacation. Hearing this, former President Bush said, “I thought he was on vacation.”
Alec Baldwin said he might run against Joe Lieberman for the Senate, to which Lieberman responded, “Make my day.” It was the most inappropriate use of a Clint Eastwood line since the official slogan of Christian Governors of America: “If she looks back, she’s interested.”
A new recipe for crystal meth can be done in a soda bottle, but unfortunately, it sometimes causes the soda bottle to explode. Especially since the release of new ‘Meth-tos’ breath mints. Some people use the new recipe to make crystal meth while driving. Which is still safer than texting.
Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community labor, and the judge says the work must be physical. But do you really want Chris Brown getting more physical?
A new MTV commercial shows Russell Brand speaking telepathically to Britney Spears. But if that actually happened, I don’t think Spears could separate his voice from all the others in her head.
Engineers are building 100,000 artificial trees to cope with global warming, because the previous contractor, known as ‘Mother Nature’, was taking decades for each tree. Plus, trees by Mother Nature are widely banned for being dangerously flammable.
A teenager in Rhode Island had to be rescued from a hole at a beach when it collapsed on him. This being Rhode Island, the collapse took out most of the state.
Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania for speaking out against discrimination towards Gypsies. The fans booed because they don’t support a nomadic culture that puts so much value on singing and dancing, which is why they paid to see Madonna on her world concert tour.
A sorority at Colorado State University has been suspended for making new members eat cat food. Have they seen cat food these days? That’s probably the healthiest thing the students have eaten in months. I think other sororities should be suspended for making new members eat in the university’s cafeteria. And suspended just for feeding cat food? The university also made headlines recently for being voted America’s Pussiest School. Have they ever seen “Animal House”?
A new study says colleges and prisons have been hit hardest by state budget cuts. Some states are thinking long-term by cutting MBA programs, which will lower the number of prison inmates down the road.
Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”
New laws require cigarette packs to have graphic images showing the risks of tobacco. For example, photos of cancerous mouths. Or of President Obama desperately hiding from reporters while smoking.
A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.
KFC is now testing a ‘sandwich’ with fried chicken instead of bread buns. Basically, it’s just a mass of fried chicken, cheese, and bacon in your hands. KFC says it’s an attempt to bring customers back to a simpler, more innocent age -- before utensils were invented. One problem KFC found was that many people tragically couldn’t tell where the sandwich ended and their fingers began. Also, the addition of grilled chicken to its menu meant that KFC was no longer filling its federal heart attack quota. The sandwich is going to be known as the ‘KFC’ too, which stands for ‘Kwik Fucking Coronary’.
President Obama plans to read six books on his current vacation. Hearing this, former President Bush said, “I thought he was on vacation.”
Alec Baldwin said he might run against Joe Lieberman for the Senate, to which Lieberman responded, “Make my day.” It was the most inappropriate use of a Clint Eastwood line since the official slogan of Christian Governors of America: “If she looks back, she’s interested.”
A new recipe for crystal meth can be done in a soda bottle, but unfortunately, it sometimes causes the soda bottle to explode. Especially since the release of new ‘Meth-tos’ breath mints. Some people use the new recipe to make crystal meth while driving. Which is still safer than texting.
Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community labor, and the judge says the work must be physical. But do you really want Chris Brown getting more physical?
A new MTV commercial shows Russell Brand speaking telepathically to Britney Spears. But if that actually happened, I don’t think Spears could separate his voice from all the others in her head.
Engineers are building 100,000 artificial trees to cope with global warming, because the previous contractor, known as ‘Mother Nature’, was taking decades for each tree. Plus, trees by Mother Nature are widely banned for being dangerously flammable.
A teenager in Rhode Island had to be rescued from a hole at a beach when it collapsed on him. This being Rhode Island, the collapse took out most of the state.
Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania for speaking out against discrimination towards Gypsies. The fans booed because they don’t support a nomadic culture that puts so much value on singing and dancing, which is why they paid to see Madonna on her world concert tour.
A sorority at Colorado State University has been suspended for making new members eat cat food. Have they seen cat food these days? That’s probably the healthiest thing the students have eaten in months. I think other sororities should be suspended for making new members eat in the university’s cafeteria. And suspended just for feeding cat food? The university also made headlines recently for being voted America’s Pussiest School. Have they ever seen “Animal House”?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
8/29
1. A sorority at Colorado State University has been suspended for making new members eat cat food. Have they seen cat food these days? That’s probably the healthiest thing the students have eaten in months. I think other sororities should be suspended for making new members eat in the university’s cafeteria. And suspended just for feeding cat food? The university also made headlines recently for being voted America’s Pussiest School. Have they ever seen “Animal House”?
2. A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.
3. Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”
4. India has lost contact with its only moon-based satellite. Fortunately, the space agency has a cousin of a cousin who’s working as a busboy on the moon, so he might be able to get in touch. The space agency’s mother-in-law always warned it to have a bigger family of satellites, but the space agency just would not listen.
5. At the U.S. Open tennis tournament, players will not be allowed to use Twitter during matches. What kind of Twitter messages are they going to send? “Tirezgd”, “Still playing tennis”, “Seat 57-G, show me your tits!”
2. A judge has ruled that a lawsuit against God can’t proceed, because the defendant has no address. However, the ruling means that a similar lawsuit can go ahead against Santa Claus.
3. Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers said in an interview that he’d like to be president. “One day, my music career will be over, and it would be a shame to waste the tremendous powers I’ve developed for being bland and inoffensive.”
4. India has lost contact with its only moon-based satellite. Fortunately, the space agency has a cousin of a cousin who’s working as a busboy on the moon, so he might be able to get in touch. The space agency’s mother-in-law always warned it to have a bigger family of satellites, but the space agency just would not listen.
5. At the U.S. Open tennis tournament, players will not be allowed to use Twitter during matches. What kind of Twitter messages are they going to send? “Tirezgd”, “Still playing tennis”, “Seat 57-G, show me your tits!”
Friday, August 28, 2009
8/28
1. Madonna was booed at a concert in Romania for speaking out against discrimination towards Gypsies. The fans booed because they don’t support a nomadic culture that puts so much value on singing and dancing, which is why they paid to see Madonna on her world concert tour.
2. A teenager in Rhode Island had to be rescued from a hole at a beach when it collapsed on him. This being Rhode Island, the collapse took out most of the state.
3. Economists say the Cash for Clunkers program raised consumer spending in July. However, the morale of consumers continued to drop. Mainly because the program highlighted how junky their cars are.
4. In a new interview, Megan Fox says that her female co-star wasn’t very comfortable kissing her. Well if that becomes a problem, there are a couple people who might be willing to replace her.
5. A new study says that soluble fiber supplements may be the best treatment for irritable bowel syndrome. In response, Pizza Hut began offering breaded soluble fiber supplements fried in cheese.
2. A teenager in Rhode Island had to be rescued from a hole at a beach when it collapsed on him. This being Rhode Island, the collapse took out most of the state.
3. Economists say the Cash for Clunkers program raised consumer spending in July. However, the morale of consumers continued to drop. Mainly because the program highlighted how junky their cars are.
4. In a new interview, Megan Fox says that her female co-star wasn’t very comfortable kissing her. Well if that becomes a problem, there are a couple people who might be willing to replace her.
5. A new study says that soluble fiber supplements may be the best treatment for irritable bowel syndrome. In response, Pizza Hut began offering breaded soluble fiber supplements fried in cheese.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
8/27
1. A new study says colleges and prisons have been hit hardest by state budget cuts. Some states are thinking long-term by cutting MBA programs, which will lower the number of prison inmates down the road.
2. Engineers are building 100,000 artificial trees to cope with global warming, because the previous contractor, known as ‘Mother Nature’, was taking decades for each tree. Plus, trees by Mother Nature are widely banned for being dangerously flammable.
3. New laws require cigarette packs to have graphic images showing the risks of tobacco. For example, photos of cancerous mouths. Or of President Obama desperately hiding from photographers while smoking.
4. Time Warner Cable is going to test internet TV. However, it will have to expand prime time from three hours to six, since one-hour shows will take about two hours to fully play.
5. A Hindu man in India was arrested for having six wives, and is complaining that the government is only treating him badly because he‘s not Muslim. Yeah, because the Indian government has always been known for its huge favoritism towards Muslims.
2. Engineers are building 100,000 artificial trees to cope with global warming, because the previous contractor, known as ‘Mother Nature’, was taking decades for each tree. Plus, trees by Mother Nature are widely banned for being dangerously flammable.
3. New laws require cigarette packs to have graphic images showing the risks of tobacco. For example, photos of cancerous mouths. Or of President Obama desperately hiding from photographers while smoking.
4. Time Warner Cable is going to test internet TV. However, it will have to expand prime time from three hours to six, since one-hour shows will take about two hours to fully play.
5. A Hindu man in India was arrested for having six wives, and is complaining that the government is only treating him badly because he‘s not Muslim. Yeah, because the Indian government has always been known for its huge favoritism towards Muslims.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
8/26
1. Police in Bangladesh are getting official advice from beauty experts. But not for looking better -- for chemical warfare. The fumes in some nail salons can take people down in a matter of minutes.
2. A new MTV commercial shows Russell Brand speaking telepathically to Britney Spears. But if that actually happened, I don’t think Spears could separate his voice from all the others in her head.
3. Stock prices have hit a new high for 2009. That’s like saying “Daddy Day Camp” is the best Cuba Gooding Jr. movie of the decade.
4. Some people have been complaining that their iPhones exploded, so Apple is starting a recall. Not for the iPhones, but for the microchips in iPhone users’ brains. “If people are complaining about their iPhones,” said an Apple spokesperson, “then obviously our microchips aren’t working.”
5. A new study says that some bacteria make insects only have female children. Hearing the news, China and India stopped trying to cure swine flu and put all their resources into keeping the bacteria from crossing over to humans.
2. A new MTV commercial shows Russell Brand speaking telepathically to Britney Spears. But if that actually happened, I don’t think Spears could separate his voice from all the others in her head.
3. Stock prices have hit a new high for 2009. That’s like saying “Daddy Day Camp” is the best Cuba Gooding Jr. movie of the decade.
4. Some people have been complaining that their iPhones exploded, so Apple is starting a recall. Not for the iPhones, but for the microchips in iPhone users’ brains. “If people are complaining about their iPhones,” said an Apple spokesperson, “then obviously our microchips aren’t working.”
5. A new study says that some bacteria make insects only have female children. Hearing the news, China and India stopped trying to cure swine flu and put all their resources into keeping the bacteria from crossing over to humans.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
8/25
1. KFC is now testing a ‘sandwich’ with fried chicken instead of buns. Basically, it’s just a mass of fried chicken, cheese, and bacon in your hands. One problem KFC found was that many people tragically couldn’t tell where the sandwich ended and their fingers began. KFC says it's an attempt to bring customers back to a simpler, more innocent age -- before utensils were invented. Also, the addition of grilled chicken to its menu meant that KFC was no longer filling its federal heart-attack quota. The sandwich is going to be known as the ‘KFC’ too, which stands for ‘Kwik Fucking Coronary’.
2. An internet security firm said that searches for Jessica Biel result in more scam websites with viruses than any other celebrity, because those are the only websites still writing about her career.
3. Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community labor, and the judge says the work must be physical. But do you really want Chris Brown getting more physical?
4. For his vacation, President Obama has brought many items that he can only really savor away from the constant scrutiny of media and visitors. For example, he packed six books, ping pong paddles, and roughly 4,000 cartons of cigarettes.
5. The Postal Service is paying employees to retire, because the recession means fewer companies are sending junk mail. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I hope the recession never ends.
2. An internet security firm said that searches for Jessica Biel result in more scam websites with viruses than any other celebrity, because those are the only websites still writing about her career.
3. Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community labor, and the judge says the work must be physical. But do you really want Chris Brown getting more physical?
4. For his vacation, President Obama has brought many items that he can only really savor away from the constant scrutiny of media and visitors. For example, he packed six books, ping pong paddles, and roughly 4,000 cartons of cigarettes.
5. The Postal Service is paying employees to retire, because the recession means fewer companies are sending junk mail. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I hope the recession never ends.
Monday, August 24, 2009
8/24
1. President Obama plans to read six books on his current vacation. Hearing this, former President Bush said, “I thought he was on vacation.”
2. Alec Baldwin said he might run against Joe Lieberman for the Senate, to which Lieberman responded, “Make my day.” It was the most inappropriate use of a Clint Eastwood line since the official slogan of Christian Governors of America: “If she looks back, she’s interested.”
3. A new recipe for crystal meth can be done in a soda bottle, but unfortunately, it sometimes causes the soda bottle to explode. Especially since the release of new ‘Meth-tos’ breath mints. Some people use the new recipe to make crystal meth while driving. Which is still safer than texting.
4. Some scientists say the collapse of honey bee colonies across the country is because bees aren’t making enough protein. That’s because flowers and nectar are nothing but carbs. They need to get on the Atkins diet.
5. A new study says the average American eats 22 teaspoons of sugar a day. Mostly to help with all the pills we take now.
2. Alec Baldwin said he might run against Joe Lieberman for the Senate, to which Lieberman responded, “Make my day.” It was the most inappropriate use of a Clint Eastwood line since the official slogan of Christian Governors of America: “If she looks back, she’s interested.”
3. A new recipe for crystal meth can be done in a soda bottle, but unfortunately, it sometimes causes the soda bottle to explode. Especially since the release of new ‘Meth-tos’ breath mints. Some people use the new recipe to make crystal meth while driving. Which is still safer than texting.
4. Some scientists say the collapse of honey bee colonies across the country is because bees aren’t making enough protein. That’s because flowers and nectar are nothing but carbs. They need to get on the Atkins diet.
5. A new study says the average American eats 22 teaspoons of sugar a day. Mostly to help with all the pills we take now.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing their plane, which was carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the samples were on the tires of the plane. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the black box -- samples of girlish screams.
Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.
Brett Favre has come out of retirement (yet again) to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said he had to be “careful not to commit for the wrong reasons”. For example, being a man-child who can’t cope without constant media attention -- that’s okay.
A new study (true) says that a zombie attack would lead to the end of civilization unless dealt with quickly. Squads were immediately dispatched to healthcare town halls across the country. One of the professors behind the study has a question mark legally attached to his last name (again, true), because after hearing about his research, people always ask him incredulously: “Professor Robert Smith?”
A 63-year-old woman in Iowa survived on a raft for five days with just a bottle of water and two cans of Mountain Dew. At least, rescuers thought it was Mountain Dew, until they realized those were just the cans where she was storing her urine. Said one rescuer: “We should have known when the Mountain Dew tasted so much better than usual.”
A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.
A new study says candles can increase your risk of cancer. So remember, kids, only use imitation light-bulb candles when performing Satanic rituals.
The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will talk about how strange it is that they‘re called funeral “homes”.
The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”
In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.
In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.
A new survey said the majority of heavy drinkers didn’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey, they were passed out in the corner.
A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.
A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”
Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.
The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.
The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.
Researchers say wrinkle-faced bats have amazingly strong bites for their size. I can believe that -- an old wrinkle-faced bat bit me once, and that’s the last time I’m visiting a retirement home.
Some banks in Italy are taking Parmesan cheese as collateral for loans. However, bank robberies have become an increasing problem. Italian police just released a prison photo (below) of the leader of the most notorious gang of cheese robbers. The picture was taken during an inter-species prison riot.
Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.
Brett Favre has come out of retirement (yet again) to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said he had to be “careful not to commit for the wrong reasons”. For example, being a man-child who can’t cope without constant media attention -- that’s okay.
A new study (true) says that a zombie attack would lead to the end of civilization unless dealt with quickly. Squads were immediately dispatched to healthcare town halls across the country. One of the professors behind the study has a question mark legally attached to his last name (again, true), because after hearing about his research, people always ask him incredulously: “Professor Robert Smith?”
A 63-year-old woman in Iowa survived on a raft for five days with just a bottle of water and two cans of Mountain Dew. At least, rescuers thought it was Mountain Dew, until they realized those were just the cans where she was storing her urine. Said one rescuer: “We should have known when the Mountain Dew tasted so much better than usual.”
A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.
A new study says candles can increase your risk of cancer. So remember, kids, only use imitation light-bulb candles when performing Satanic rituals.
The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will talk about how strange it is that they‘re called funeral “homes”.
The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”
In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.
In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.
A new survey said the majority of heavy drinkers didn’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey, they were passed out in the corner.
A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.
A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”
Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.
The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.
The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.
Researchers say wrinkle-faced bats have amazingly strong bites for their size. I can believe that -- an old wrinkle-faced bat bit me once, and that’s the last time I’m visiting a retirement home.
Some banks in Italy are taking Parmesan cheese as collateral for loans. However, bank robberies have become an increasing problem. Italian police just released a prison photo (below) of the leader of the most notorious gang of cheese robbers. The picture was taken during an inter-species prison riot.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
8/22
1. In New Jersey, two men were able to walk away after crashing their plane, which was carrying urine samples (true). Of course, this being New Jersey, the samples were on the outside of the plane. Actually, I think any plane about to crash has urine samples. If I were on a plane going down, it would have urine samples, shit samples, and on the black box -- samples of girlish screams.
2. Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Breasts are just new basketballs. That’s why we use so many sports analogies for sex -- score, bases, pitching, catching, playing for the other team. And maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.
3. A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.
4. An Australian scientist says his country needs five or six seasons to really explain its climate. As if this is something unique to Australia. He also complains that the English alphabet doesn’t fit all the sounds in Australian English.
5. President Obama is attacking “outrageous myths” about healthcare reform, like the one that says it was created in a volcano by the brother of Zeus.
2. Porn companies are being attacked for not requiring actors to use condoms. But a porn star wearing a condom is like Spiderman wearing a helmet. Porn stars are basically sex superheroes, with powers far beyond mortal humans. That’s why most porn fans are guys -- we’re just transferring our love of comic books into sex. Masturbation is just a new video game. Breasts are just new basketballs. That’s why we use so many sports analogies for sex -- score, bases, pitching, catching, playing for the other team. And maybe the reason so many guys like shaved pubes these days is because they didn’t play in the woods enough.
3. A woman in Chicago is suing an aquarium for having dolphins “recklessly” splash her. In related news, a man with no arms is suing for emotional trauma after a neighbor recklessly taught his dog to shake hands.
4. An Australian scientist says his country needs five or six seasons to really explain its climate. As if this is something unique to Australia. He also complains that the English alphabet doesn’t fit all the sounds in Australian English.
5. President Obama is attacking “outrageous myths” about healthcare reform, like the one that says it was created in a volcano by the brother of Zeus.
Friday, August 21, 2009
8/21
1. Some banks in Italy are taking Parmesan cheese as collateral for loans. However, bank robberies have become an increasing problem. Italian police just released a prison photo (above) of the leader of the most notorious gang of robbers. The picture was taken during an inter-species prison riot.
2. A new study shows that when people are very stressed, it becomes easier to form habits. Well, speaking for me, I definitely masturbate more when I’m stressed. Sometimes I’ll just whip it out right at work. And often, I get stressed about how much I masturbate, which just becomes a vicious cycle.
3. Researchers say wrinkle-faced bats have amazingly strong bites for their size. I can believe that -- a wrinkle-faced old bat bit me once, and that’s the last time I’m visiting a retirement home.
4. The Chicago Cubs have been sold to the founders of the online brokerage Ameritrade. So they already know something about trading. However, players are worried about the new owners’ plans to split some of them.
5. Scientists have recently found a newt that uses its ribs as a weapon. His name is Newt Johnson, he works at Chili’s, and you better leave him a tip for those baby backs.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
8/20
1. A new study says candles can increase your risk of cancer. So remember, kids, use imitation light-bulb candles when performing Satanic rituals.
2. The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”
3. In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.
4. Mourners at a funeral in Philadelphia spent two hours with a body until the funeral home finally admitted that it was the wrong body. Mourners first became suspicious because as far as they knew, their grandfather wasn’t a six-year-old girl. The only reason the funeral went on was that a certain Aunt Edna kept saying: “I knew he was keeping a secret from me!”
5. Entertainment Weekly magazine is going to publish video ads in its paper edition. Eventually, we’re going to see video ads on paper all the time. Receipts. Money. And people are really going to notice if you walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe.
2. The results in the Afghanistan election could take a little while, since some of the ballots are being transported by donkeys. Now I know some of you might be asking, “Why is election technology so much better there than in the United States?”
3. In a new reality show, Tony Danza is going to help teach a high school English class. The idea behind the show is to see what happens when high school students know way more than their teacher.
4. Mourners at a funeral in Philadelphia spent two hours with a body until the funeral home finally admitted that it was the wrong body. Mourners first became suspicious because as far as they knew, their grandfather wasn’t a six-year-old girl. The only reason the funeral went on was that a certain Aunt Edna kept saying: “I knew he was keeping a secret from me!”
5. Entertainment Weekly magazine is going to publish video ads in its paper edition. Eventually, we’re going to see video ads on paper all the time. Receipts. Money. And people are really going to notice if you walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
8/19
1. A 63-year-old woman in Iowa was found alive after floating on a raft for five days. Rescuers said she survived with just a bottle of water and two cans of Mountain Dew. At least, they thought it was Mountain Dew, until they realized those were just the cans where she was storing her urine. Said one rescuer: “We should have known when it tasted so much better than usual.”
2. The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will speak about how strange it is that people send flowers to funerals.
3. In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.
4. A new survey says the majority of heavy drinkers don’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey they were passed out in the corner.
5. A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.
2. The creator of the TV show “60 Minutes” has died at the age of 86. “60 Minutes” fans were shocked, since he was so much younger than most of them. His hour-long funeral is scheduled to end with a few words from Andy Rooney, who will speak about how strange it is that people send flowers to funerals.
3. In the current Afghanistan election, a voter registration card has been issued for Britney Spears. However, Afghan warlords don’t want Spears to come, because they say with the all the chaos in her life, she might be too disruptive.
4. A new survey says the majority of heavy drinkers don’t realize that drinking can disturb their sleep. One of the reasons they didn’t realize it -- during the survey they were passed out in the corner.
5. A new study says that Mozart died of strep throat, but many talk-radio hosts still insist that Obama was involved.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
8/18
1. To save money, the city of Chicago is stopping all non-essential services. So, unfortunately, people will no longer get car service when delivering bribes.
2. Brett Favre has come out of retirement (yet again) to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said he had to be “careful not to commit for the wrong reasons”. For example, being a man-child who can’t cope without constant media attention -- that’s okay.
3. A new study (true) says that a zombie attack would lead to the end of civilization unless dealt with quickly. Squads were quickly dispatched to healthcare town halls across the country. One of the professors behind the study has a question mark legally attached to his last name (again, true), because after hearing about his research, people always ask him incredulously: “Professor Robert Smith?”
4. A doctor in Florida was fired for saying bad things about doughnuts. Good to know what’s important in Florida. In related news, a Florida fire chief was fired for banning small random fires in his station house.
5. South Korea is set to launch its first-ever rocket into orbit. North Korean news agencies quickly called the announcement a bizarre delusion.
2. Brett Favre has come out of retirement (yet again) to play for the Minnesota Vikings. He said he had to be “careful not to commit for the wrong reasons”. For example, being a man-child who can’t cope without constant media attention -- that’s okay.
3. A new study (true) says that a zombie attack would lead to the end of civilization unless dealt with quickly. Squads were quickly dispatched to healthcare town halls across the country. One of the professors behind the study has a question mark legally attached to his last name (again, true), because after hearing about his research, people always ask him incredulously: “Professor Robert Smith?”
4. A doctor in Florida was fired for saying bad things about doughnuts. Good to know what’s important in Florida. In related news, a Florida fire chief was fired for banning small random fires in his station house.
5. South Korea is set to launch its first-ever rocket into orbit. North Korean news agencies quickly called the announcement a bizarre delusion.
Monday, August 17, 2009
8/17
1. A new study says that nine out of ten bills of U.S. money have cocaine on them. That’s great! So after you use a twenty to snort a line, you can snort the twenty too -- like eating the cone after the ice cream. Plus this will lower inflation, because people will be chopping up so much money.
2. A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”
3. Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.
4. The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.
5. The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.
2. A group of internet researchers said that 40.5% of the messages on Twitter seem to be “pointless babble”. In response, Twitter explained, “Yeah, that’s the point.”
3. Police have discovered a scheme that stole 130 million credit card numbers from businesses such as 7-11s. How strange to think that the brilliant people working at your local 7-11 might have gotten fooled.
4. The mayor of Milwaukee is doing fine after being attacked while stopping a mugging. He was in good spirits when he regained consciousness -- until someone told him that he’s mayor of Milwaukee.
5. The publisher Reader’s Digest is filing for bankruptcy. Following the Reader’s Digest tradition, court documents will only be published with half the words, in large type, and include a story about a dog.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
The CEO of Whole Foods supermarkets, which specialize in natural and organic food, has written an article attacking the Democrats’ healthcare plans. That’s like “Tiger Beat”, the teen magazine about boy celebrities, having an editorial against pedophiles. You’re going to lose way too many customers.
General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
A new internet treatment for insomnia is becoming popular. That’s like a new brand of whiskey that cures alcoholism. I assume the insomnia treatment features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off your computer and go to bed!”
The NFL is now going to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm…
In Britain, people are competing to see who has the best memory in the world. Events include memorizing playing cards, decimal numbers, random words, and many more tasks that can be easily done by even the most outdated computer.
The latest “Baseball Autograph Collector’s Handbook” lists the home address of every living major league player, umpire, manager, and coach. Buyers of the book are equally divided among autograph seekers, blackmailers, and women filing paternity suits. The author has over 100,000 baseball autographs, in addition to the world record for most restraining orders. He also has his own zip code, but not because of the autograph book -- because he’s also the author of “The Complete Guide to Fried Oreos”.
In the upcoming Afghanistan election, President Karzai’s main rival is Abdullah Abdullah, who is supported by 26% of voters. However, later surveys revealed that half of those voters think Abdullah Abdullah is a 1980s pop band.
A new study says that high-fat foods can make your short-term memory worse. So maybe pot doesn’t affect your short-term memory -- maybe it’s just all the Cheetos and cookies.
One of India’s biggest movie stars was interrogated by U.S. immigration officials for over an hour. Actually, they would have let him go sooner, but whenever they asked him a question, he would burst into song. And then they had to process all the dancers who would suddenly appear. The problem was only solved when a female official began singing questions to him, and they sang the interrogation while chasing each other flirtatiously through the airport.
In Germany, some new political posters are featuring Chancellor Angela Merkel’s partially exposed breasts. However, most surprisingly, the posters are supposed to make you want to vote for her.
The North Carolina hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, is suing a local rapper for using its trademarks. However, he is suing the team for revealing that he’s a hockey fan, which has completely destroyed his hip hop reputation. The only thing about hockey that’s cool in hip hop is Jason’s mask from Friday the 13th movies. There hasn’t been a scandal like this since Cal Tech sued Dr. Dre for using trademarks from its math team. Another problem for the team is that they‘ve now lost one of their three fans. They’re a hockey team in North Carolina -- they need everyone they can get.
Miley Cyrus did a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards, because that was apparently the choice of male teens.
Riders on a roller coaster in California had to be rescued when it stopped halfway. The ride was supposed to take 70 seconds, but ended up taking five hours. Sounds like signing up for internet with Time Warner Cable.
In Venezuela, the government wants to close golf courses and build houses on the land. Why not compromise? The houses could just become obstacles for the golfers. Considering the crime rate in Venezuela, this would probably still be safer for homeowners.
Facebook is introducing Facebook Lite for countries with limited internet access. The pared-down website simply lists public places where you can meet friends and actually talk to them.
A swimming pool in France banned a Muslim woman wearing a full-body swimsuit, because the pool “forbids swimming while clothed”. For people who both believe in religious freedom and are male, that last part is very conflicting.
Abercrombie & Fitch was found guilty of discriminating against a clerk with a prosthetic arm. The store's reason was that she wore a sweater to cover the arm, and it didn’t fit the store’s look. Wow, I didn’t know their clerks even wore clothes.
France and Germany are out of the recession! Woo hoo! Both economies grew 0.3% last quarter! That’s… very small. I grew 0.3% last quarter just by putting Odor Eaters in my shoes.
To stop swine flu, several conservative rabbis flew around Israel in a small plane while praying. They also set the record for highest airborne sideburn-density, previously held by the Flying Elvises:
General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
A new internet treatment for insomnia is becoming popular. That’s like a new brand of whiskey that cures alcoholism. I assume the insomnia treatment features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off your computer and go to bed!”
The NFL is now going to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm…
In Britain, people are competing to see who has the best memory in the world. Events include memorizing playing cards, decimal numbers, random words, and many more tasks that can be easily done by even the most outdated computer.
The latest “Baseball Autograph Collector’s Handbook” lists the home address of every living major league player, umpire, manager, and coach. Buyers of the book are equally divided among autograph seekers, blackmailers, and women filing paternity suits. The author has over 100,000 baseball autographs, in addition to the world record for most restraining orders. He also has his own zip code, but not because of the autograph book -- because he’s also the author of “The Complete Guide to Fried Oreos”.
In the upcoming Afghanistan election, President Karzai’s main rival is Abdullah Abdullah, who is supported by 26% of voters. However, later surveys revealed that half of those voters think Abdullah Abdullah is a 1980s pop band.
A new study says that high-fat foods can make your short-term memory worse. So maybe pot doesn’t affect your short-term memory -- maybe it’s just all the Cheetos and cookies.
One of India’s biggest movie stars was interrogated by U.S. immigration officials for over an hour. Actually, they would have let him go sooner, but whenever they asked him a question, he would burst into song. And then they had to process all the dancers who would suddenly appear. The problem was only solved when a female official began singing questions to him, and they sang the interrogation while chasing each other flirtatiously through the airport.
In Germany, some new political posters are featuring Chancellor Angela Merkel’s partially exposed breasts. However, most surprisingly, the posters are supposed to make you want to vote for her.
The North Carolina hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, is suing a local rapper for using its trademarks. However, he is suing the team for revealing that he’s a hockey fan, which has completely destroyed his hip hop reputation. The only thing about hockey that’s cool in hip hop is Jason’s mask from Friday the 13th movies. There hasn’t been a scandal like this since Cal Tech sued Dr. Dre for using trademarks from its math team. Another problem for the team is that they‘ve now lost one of their three fans. They’re a hockey team in North Carolina -- they need everyone they can get.
Miley Cyrus did a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards, because that was apparently the choice of male teens.
Riders on a roller coaster in California had to be rescued when it stopped halfway. The ride was supposed to take 70 seconds, but ended up taking five hours. Sounds like signing up for internet with Time Warner Cable.
In Venezuela, the government wants to close golf courses and build houses on the land. Why not compromise? The houses could just become obstacles for the golfers. Considering the crime rate in Venezuela, this would probably still be safer for homeowners.
Facebook is introducing Facebook Lite for countries with limited internet access. The pared-down website simply lists public places where you can meet friends and actually talk to them.
A swimming pool in France banned a Muslim woman wearing a full-body swimsuit, because the pool “forbids swimming while clothed”. For people who both believe in religious freedom and are male, that last part is very conflicting.
Abercrombie & Fitch was found guilty of discriminating against a clerk with a prosthetic arm. The store's reason was that she wore a sweater to cover the arm, and it didn’t fit the store’s look. Wow, I didn’t know their clerks even wore clothes.
France and Germany are out of the recession! Woo hoo! Both economies grew 0.3% last quarter! That’s… very small. I grew 0.3% last quarter just by putting Odor Eaters in my shoes.
To stop swine flu, several conservative rabbis flew around Israel in a small plane while praying. They also set the record for highest airborne sideburn-density, previously held by the Flying Elvises:
Saturday, August 15, 2009
8/15
1. One of India’s biggest movie stars was interrogated by U.S. immigration officials for over an hour. Actually, they would have let him go sooner, but whenever they asked him a question, he kept bursting into song. And then they had to process all the dancers emerging from closets and under furniture. The problem was only solved when they found a female immigration official who sang questions to him, but then the two were mysteriously teleported to snowy mountains, where they continued the interrogation while chasing each other through the woods.
2. In Britain, people are competing to see who has the best memory in the world. Contests include memorizing playing cards, decimal numbers, random words, and many more tasks that can be easily done by even the most outdated computer.
3. In the upcoming Afghanistan election, President Karzai’s main rival is Abdullah Abdullah, who is supported by 26% of voters. However, later surveys revealed that half of those voters think Abdullah Abdullah is a 1980s pop band.
4. A ship from Finland carrying $1.8 million of timber has gone missing. At first, experts thought the timber ship was kidnapped by pirates, but now they think it might be termites.
5. At Michael Vick’s first practice with the Philadelphia Eagles, reporters surrounded him like a pack of… cats.
2. In Britain, people are competing to see who has the best memory in the world. Contests include memorizing playing cards, decimal numbers, random words, and many more tasks that can be easily done by even the most outdated computer.
3. In the upcoming Afghanistan election, President Karzai’s main rival is Abdullah Abdullah, who is supported by 26% of voters. However, later surveys revealed that half of those voters think Abdullah Abdullah is a 1980s pop band.
4. A ship from Finland carrying $1.8 million of timber has gone missing. At first, experts thought the timber ship was kidnapped by pirates, but now they think it might be termites.
5. At Michael Vick’s first practice with the Philadelphia Eagles, reporters surrounded him like a pack of… cats.
Friday, August 14, 2009
8/14
1. A new study says that high-fat foods can make your short-term memory worse. So maybe pot doesn’t affect your short-term memory -- maybe it’s just all the Cheetos and cookies.
2. The CEO of Whole Foods supermarkets, which have made their business from natural and organic food, has written an article condemning the Democrats’ healthcare plans. That’s like “Tiger Beat”, the teen magazine about boy celebrities, coming out with an editorial against pedophiles. You’re going to lose way too many of your customers.
3. Scientists have found a genetic mutation that lets people function on six hours of sleep. I didn’t know a genetic mutation created Red Bull.
4. A follower of Charles Manson named “Squeaky” was released from prison today. How did she get caught? Well, I think one answer can be found in her name.
5. Hillary Clinton has ended her tour of Africa. The New York Times reported that it had been “a grueling seven-nation 11-day trip”. Or as some of my friends might describe it: “vacation”. Grueling? It sounds cool.
2. The CEO of Whole Foods supermarkets, which have made their business from natural and organic food, has written an article condemning the Democrats’ healthcare plans. That’s like “Tiger Beat”, the teen magazine about boy celebrities, coming out with an editorial against pedophiles. You’re going to lose way too many of your customers.
3. Scientists have found a genetic mutation that lets people function on six hours of sleep. I didn’t know a genetic mutation created Red Bull.
4. A follower of Charles Manson named “Squeaky” was released from prison today. How did she get caught? Well, I think one answer can be found in her name.
5. Hillary Clinton has ended her tour of Africa. The New York Times reported that it had been “a grueling seven-nation 11-day trip”. Or as some of my friends might describe it: “vacation”. Grueling? It sounds cool.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
8/13
1. France and Germany are out of the recession! Woo hoo! Both their economies grew 0.3% last quarter! That’s… very small. I grew 0.3% last quarter just by putting Odor Eaters in my shoes.
2. Abercrombie & Fitch was found guilty of discriminating against a clerk with a prosthetic arm. The reason was that she wore a sweater to cover the arm, and it didn’t fit the store’s look. Wow, I didn’t know their clerks even wore clothes.
3. Crime rates are continuing to fall across the U.S., even during the recession. Maybe it’s just because no one has anything to steal anyway.
4. A new study says flamingos that rest their heads on the left tend to be more aggressive than ones that rest on the right. Scientists think it’s because they’re angry about everything in flamingo life being right-headed. I’ve seen some lefties get pretty aggressive when trying to use scissors.
5. To stop swine flu, several conservative rabbis flew around Israel in a small plane while praying. They also set the record for highest airborne sideburn-density, previously held by “The Flying Elvises”:
2. Abercrombie & Fitch was found guilty of discriminating against a clerk with a prosthetic arm. The reason was that she wore a sweater to cover the arm, and it didn’t fit the store’s look. Wow, I didn’t know their clerks even wore clothes.
3. Crime rates are continuing to fall across the U.S., even during the recession. Maybe it’s just because no one has anything to steal anyway.
4. A new study says flamingos that rest their heads on the left tend to be more aggressive than ones that rest on the right. Scientists think it’s because they’re angry about everything in flamingo life being right-headed. I’ve seen some lefties get pretty aggressive when trying to use scissors.
5. To stop swine flu, several conservative rabbis flew around Israel in a small plane while praying. They also set the record for highest airborne sideburn-density, previously held by “The Flying Elvises”:
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
8/12
1. In Venezuela, the government wants to close golf courses and build houses on the land. Why not compromise? The houses could just become obstacles for the golfers. Considering the crime rate in Venezuela, this would probably still be safer for homeowners.
2. Facebook is introducing Facebook Lite for countries with limited internet access. The pared-down website simply lists public places where you can meet friends and actually talk to them.
3. A swimming pool in France banned a Muslim woman from swimming in a full-body swimsuit, because the pool’s rules “forbid swimming while clothed”. For people who both believe in religious freedom and are male, that last part is very conflicting.
4. Two sisters in their 80s signed a contract to share all their gambling winnings -- until one of them won $500,000. Now the losing sister is suing the winner. The state supreme court has agreed to drag out the suit for at least 10 years, because it’s really all the sisters have to keep them going. But the winner says she’s just holding out for the other to die.
5. In Germany, political posters are featuring Chancellor Angela Merkel’s partially exposed breasts. However, most surprisingly, the posters are supposed to make you want to vote for her.
2. Facebook is introducing Facebook Lite for countries with limited internet access. The pared-down website simply lists public places where you can meet friends and actually talk to them.
3. A swimming pool in France banned a Muslim woman from swimming in a full-body swimsuit, because the pool’s rules “forbid swimming while clothed”. For people who both believe in religious freedom and are male, that last part is very conflicting.
4. Two sisters in their 80s signed a contract to share all their gambling winnings -- until one of them won $500,000. Now the losing sister is suing the winner. The state supreme court has agreed to drag out the suit for at least 10 years, because it’s really all the sisters have to keep them going. But the winner says she’s just holding out for the other to die.
5. In Germany, political posters are featuring Chancellor Angela Merkel’s partially exposed breasts. However, most surprisingly, the posters are supposed to make you want to vote for her.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
8/11
1. The latest “Baseball Autograph Collector’s Handbook” lists the home address of every living major league player, umpire, manager, and coach. Buyers of the book are equally divided among autograph seekers, blackmailers, and women filing paternity suits. The author has over 100,000 baseball autographs, and also holds the world record for most restraining orders. In addition, he has his own zip code, but not because of the autograph book -- because he’s also the author of “The Complete Guide to Fried Oreos”.
2. A new internet treatment for insomnia is becoming popular. I assume it features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off your computer and go to bed!”
3. The NFL is now going to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm...
4. Miley Cyrus did a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards, because that was apparently the choice of male teens.
5. Riders on a roller coaster in California ended up stuck due to a malfunction. The ride was supposed to take 70 seconds, but ended up taking five hours. Sounds like signing up for internet with Time Warner.
2. A new internet treatment for insomnia is becoming popular. I assume it features a loud voice repeating: “Turn off your computer and go to bed!”
3. The NFL is now going to sell official toiletries, like soap and shampoo. So now you too can smell like an NFL player! Mmmm...
4. Miley Cyrus did a pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards, because that was apparently the choice of male teens.
5. Riders on a roller coaster in California ended up stuck due to a malfunction. The ride was supposed to take 70 seconds, but ended up taking five hours. Sounds like signing up for internet with Time Warner.
Monday, August 10, 2009
8/10
1. The North Carolina hockey team, the Carolina Hurricanes, is suing a local rapper for using its trademarks. However, he is suing the team for revealing that he’s a hockey fan, which has completely destroyed his hip hop reputation. The only thing about hockey that’s cool in hip hop is Jason’s mask from "Friday the 13th" movies. There hasn’t been a scandal like this since Cal Tech sued Dr. Dre for using trademarks from its math team. Another problem for the team is that they‘ve now lost one of their three fans. They’re a hockey team in North Carolina -- they need everyone they can get.
2. General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
3. New research says that people with red hair are more sensitive to pain. That might explain why you never see red-headed reporters sitting through Senate hearings.
4. A new website in Britain is going to protect pro athletes from groups that charge way too much for shoddy services. You know, fans would like one of those too.
5. A major new opera is going to be written entirely from Twitter messages. Actually, considering the lyrics in most classic operas, this will probably be the most sophisticated opera ever.
2. General Motors is going to sell new cars over eBay. And if you act now, you can get the car with pigeon droppings in the image of Jesus.
3. New research says that people with red hair are more sensitive to pain. That might explain why you never see red-headed reporters sitting through Senate hearings.
4. A new website in Britain is going to protect pro athletes from groups that charge way too much for shoddy services. You know, fans would like one of those too.
5. A major new opera is going to be written entirely from Twitter messages. Actually, considering the lyrics in most classic operas, this will probably be the most sophisticated opera ever.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
Proctor & Gamble announced a much cheaper version of Tide detergent called Tide Basic, because basically, it doesn’t get your clothes clean. I think the instructions will read: “For best results after washing with Tide Basic, wash again with regular Tide.” Maybe you’ll open a box of Tide Basic and inside will just be a hanger. “To wash, hang clothes behind you while putting on your deodorant.”
Goldman Sachs has asked its workers to be discreet with their huge bonuses. They should: a) not show off big purchases; and b) say they work for AIG.
Marines will now be barred from social networking websites like Facebook, because they're overloading internet capacity. Although, if you really want to stop overloading the internet, you need to ban porn. But that would be the end of the volunteer military.
Wal-Mart is selling private versions of Girl Scout cookies, so finally people don’t have to buy them from scruffy children trying to raise money. I hear they’re also going to offer privately written thank-you “letters” from kids in Africa.
Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, fell off a stage during a concert. Apparently his mic cord got tangled in his lips. Luckily, he’s eligible for Medicare now.
Rupert Murdoch says he will now charge for internet access to his news media. The price is expected to be around $9.99 a month plus one-hundredth of your soul.
The world’s largest-ever matzo ball is being cooked in New York City. It’s also the largest-ever dish cooked with absolutely zero flavor. The previous record-holders had been set almost every night by various branches of Applebee’s.
A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”
After quitting the singing competition show “American Idol”, Paula Abdul is thinking of moving to “Dancing With the Stars”, because she wants to finally judge something that she can do well.
A new study says 70% of American kids don’t get enough Vitamin D, which human bodies make from sunlight. To fix the problem, scientists are trying to add sunlight to Facebook and Xboxes.
Judges in Nevada are considering releasing O.J. Simpson, so he can work on proving that he didn’t get a fair trial. Unfortunately, O.J. says it might take even longer than finding the real killers.
Actor Ryan O’Neal has admitted not recognizing his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, in addition to accidentally hitting on her. No wonder his daughter uses crack. Actually, maybe her being a crackhead is what turned him on.
Research ships have been sent to study what has been called a “giant plastic island” in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. However, today, the ships discovered that it was just Kenny Rogers scuba diving.
Hillary Clinton wants to help Kenya stop graft and corruption. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”
North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
The world’s largest concrete arch bridge will soon open next to Hoover Dam. It’s already been paid for by selling the rights to blow it up to Jerry Bruckheimer. Other funding came from having the final six-foot gap filled by David Blaine live on TV. Cars will just go over his back.
New figures show that the United States had almost no job growth over the last decade. Zero. Except for consultants. That’s because the consultants help companies figure out how to make money without hiring anyone.
A hacker attack shut down Twitter yesterday. The most common message stopped from being posted was: “Hey, is Twitter down?”
The movie “G.I. Joe” is coming out this weekend. The “G.I.” apparently stands for “gastro-intestinal”, because it’s a pile of crap.
In Canada, police are investigating parents who made a film of their seven-year-old driving a car and put it on YouTube. Now I wonder how they got the idea that might be a cute way to get famous?
Goldman Sachs has asked its workers to be discreet with their huge bonuses. They should: a) not show off big purchases; and b) say they work for AIG.
Marines will now be barred from social networking websites like Facebook, because they're overloading internet capacity. Although, if you really want to stop overloading the internet, you need to ban porn. But that would be the end of the volunteer military.
Wal-Mart is selling private versions of Girl Scout cookies, so finally people don’t have to buy them from scruffy children trying to raise money. I hear they’re also going to offer privately written thank-you “letters” from kids in Africa.
Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, fell off a stage during a concert. Apparently his mic cord got tangled in his lips. Luckily, he’s eligible for Medicare now.
Rupert Murdoch says he will now charge for internet access to his news media. The price is expected to be around $9.99 a month plus one-hundredth of your soul.
The world’s largest-ever matzo ball is being cooked in New York City. It’s also the largest-ever dish cooked with absolutely zero flavor. The previous record-holders had been set almost every night by various branches of Applebee’s.
A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”
After quitting the singing competition show “American Idol”, Paula Abdul is thinking of moving to “Dancing With the Stars”, because she wants to finally judge something that she can do well.
A new study says 70% of American kids don’t get enough Vitamin D, which human bodies make from sunlight. To fix the problem, scientists are trying to add sunlight to Facebook and Xboxes.
Judges in Nevada are considering releasing O.J. Simpson, so he can work on proving that he didn’t get a fair trial. Unfortunately, O.J. says it might take even longer than finding the real killers.
Actor Ryan O’Neal has admitted not recognizing his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, in addition to accidentally hitting on her. No wonder his daughter uses crack. Actually, maybe her being a crackhead is what turned him on.
Research ships have been sent to study what has been called a “giant plastic island” in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. However, today, the ships discovered that it was just Kenny Rogers scuba diving.
Hillary Clinton wants to help Kenya stop graft and corruption. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”
North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
The world’s largest concrete arch bridge will soon open next to Hoover Dam. It’s already been paid for by selling the rights to blow it up to Jerry Bruckheimer. Other funding came from having the final six-foot gap filled by David Blaine live on TV. Cars will just go over his back.
New figures show that the United States had almost no job growth over the last decade. Zero. Except for consultants. That’s because the consultants help companies figure out how to make money without hiring anyone.
A hacker attack shut down Twitter yesterday. The most common message stopped from being posted was: “Hey, is Twitter down?”
The movie “G.I. Joe” is coming out this weekend. The “G.I.” apparently stands for “gastro-intestinal”, because it’s a pile of crap.
In Canada, police are investigating parents who made a film of their seven-year-old driving a car and put it on YouTube. Now I wonder how they got the idea that might be a cute way to get famous?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
8/8
1. After quitting the singing competition show “American Idol”, Paula Abdul is thinking of moving to “Dancing With the Stars”, because she wants to finally judge something that she can do well.
2. In China, Guinness is verifying the world’s largest-ever wedding dress -- 7,083 feet long. It’s also verifying the bride as the world’s strongest woman.
3. The movie “G.I. Joe” is coming out this weekend. The “G.I.” apparently stands for “gastro-intestinal”, because it’s a pile of crap.
4. A new study says that people get happier as they grow older, largely by avoiding situations that make them sad or stressed. So, basically, they live in denial.
5. Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the newest Supreme Court justice today. As the newest justice (true), she will have to take the notes during their private sessions and answer the door. Plus, the other justices might ask her to find a left-handed Supreme Court gavel.
2. In China, Guinness is verifying the world’s largest-ever wedding dress -- 7,083 feet long. It’s also verifying the bride as the world’s strongest woman.
3. The movie “G.I. Joe” is coming out this weekend. The “G.I.” apparently stands for “gastro-intestinal”, because it’s a pile of crap.
4. A new study says that people get happier as they grow older, largely by avoiding situations that make them sad or stressed. So, basically, they live in denial.
5. Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the newest Supreme Court justice today. As the newest justice (true), she will have to take the notes during their private sessions and answer the door. Plus, the other justices might ask her to find a left-handed Supreme Court gavel.
Friday, August 7, 2009
8/7
1. The world’s largest-ever matzo ball is being cooked in New York City. 250 pounds. It’s also the largest-ever food cooked with absolutely no flavor. The previous record-holder has been set almost every night by various branches of Applebee’s.
2. New figures show that the United States had almost no job growth over the last decade. Zero. Except for consultants. That’s because the consultants help companies figure out how to make money without hiring anyone.
3. A man in Florida told police that the child pornography on his computer was downloaded by his cat. Apparently, the cat was trying to download kitty porn.
4. A hacker attack shut down Twitter yesterday, leaving millions hanging over which bagel Ashton Kutcher eventually chose. The most common message stopped from being posted was: “Hey, is Twitter down?”
5. Starbucks is trying to get its workers to use body movements more efficiently. For example, baristas will now be required to blink only twice a minute. Maybe it would help if they weren’t so jacked up on caffeine. Starbucks was able to track the movements of workers thanks to the microchips inserted under their skin.
2. New figures show that the United States had almost no job growth over the last decade. Zero. Except for consultants. That’s because the consultants help companies figure out how to make money without hiring anyone.
3. A man in Florida told police that the child pornography on his computer was downloaded by his cat. Apparently, the cat was trying to download kitty porn.
4. A hacker attack shut down Twitter yesterday, leaving millions hanging over which bagel Ashton Kutcher eventually chose. The most common message stopped from being posted was: “Hey, is Twitter down?”
5. Starbucks is trying to get its workers to use body movements more efficiently. For example, baristas will now be required to blink only twice a minute. Maybe it would help if they weren’t so jacked up on caffeine. Starbucks was able to track the movements of workers thanks to the microchips inserted under their skin.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
8/6
1. Today Procter & Gamble announced a much cheaper version of Tide detergent called “Tide Basic”, because basically, it doesn’t get your clothes clean. I think the instructions will read: “For best results after washing with Tide Basic, wash again with regular Tide.” Maybe you’ll open a box of Tide Basic and inside will just be a hanger. “To wash, hang clothes behind you while applying deodorant.”
2. Wal-Mart is selling private versions of Girl Scout cookies, so finally people don’t have to buy them from scruffy children trying to raise money. I hear they’re also going to offer privately written thank-you “letters” from kids in Africa.
3. Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, fell off a stage during a concert, when his mic cord became entangled in his lips. Luckily, he’s eligible for Medicare now.
4. Rupert Murdoch says he will now charge for internet access to his news media. The price is expected to be around $9.99 a month plus one-hundredth of your soul.
5. The world’s largest concrete arch bridge will soon open next to Hoover Dam. It’s already been paid for by selling the rights to blow it up to Jerry Bruckheimer. Other funding came from having the final six-foot gap filled by David Blaine live on TV. Cars will just go over his back.
2. Wal-Mart is selling private versions of Girl Scout cookies, so finally people don’t have to buy them from scruffy children trying to raise money. I hear they’re also going to offer privately written thank-you “letters” from kids in Africa.
3. Steven Tyler, the lead singer of Aerosmith, fell off a stage during a concert, when his mic cord became entangled in his lips. Luckily, he’s eligible for Medicare now.
4. Rupert Murdoch says he will now charge for internet access to his news media. The price is expected to be around $9.99 a month plus one-hundredth of your soul.
5. The world’s largest concrete arch bridge will soon open next to Hoover Dam. It’s already been paid for by selling the rights to blow it up to Jerry Bruckheimer. Other funding came from having the final six-foot gap filled by David Blaine live on TV. Cars will just go over his back.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
8/5
1. Goldman Sachs has asked its workers to be discreet about their huge bonuses. They should a) be low-key with purchases; and b) pretend to work for AIG.
2. A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”
3. North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we had sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
4. A German soccer team has a song that says (true): “Mohammed was a prophet who understood nothing about football.” Muslims are upset about that -- not by the mention of Mohammed, but for saying that he didn’t understand soccer. The Koran says that Mohammed was captain of the Saudi national team and defeated Brazil 5,238 to zero at the first World Cup, which was quite a feat, because the Brazilians used poison arrows back then.
5. Hillary Clinton is visiting Kenya and wants to stop graft and corruption there. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”
2. A minor league pitcher was convicted of injuring a fan when he threw a baseball at the opposing team’s dugout and it went into the stands. He was then fired from the team, but not for hitting the fan -- for not hitting the dugout. “How the hell is he going to hit a strike zone?”
3. North Korea released two American journalists in exchange for just having Bill Clinton visit. Wow, North Korea is like a spoiled rich kid who only does her homework if Justin Timberlake plays at her birthday party. Think of what we could have gotten if we had sent Madonna. Kim might have finally released Obama’s original birth certificate. They were also thinking of sending Sarah Jessica Parker, since like most North Koreans, she lives on only water and half a meal a day.
4. A German soccer team has a song that says (true): “Mohammed was a prophet who understood nothing about football.” Muslims are upset about that -- not by the mention of Mohammed, but for saying that he didn’t understand soccer. The Koran says that Mohammed was captain of the Saudi national team and defeated Brazil 5,238 to zero at the first World Cup, which was quite a feat, because the Brazilians used poison arrows back then.
5. Hillary Clinton is visiting Kenya and wants to stop graft and corruption there. Said Clinton: “I should know something about graft and corruption. I was raised in Illinois and served as senator of New York.”
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
8/4
1. Marines will now be barred from social networking websites like Facebook and Twitter, because they could be used by enemies. Yeah, that’s how the library tracked me down. However, in response, Facebook will now allow people to either friend or enemy each other. Another reason for the ban is that the sites were overloading the military’s internet capacity. Although, if you really want to stop overloading the internet, you need to ban porn. But that would be the end of the volunteer military.
2. Research ships have been sent to study what has been called a “giant plastic island” in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. However, today, the ships discovered that it was just Kenny Rogers scuba diving.
3. Bill Clinton made a surprise visit to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Il. Clinton made the visit instead of President Obama because: a) Kim doesn’t believe Obama was born in the United States and therefore is not the president; and b) Clinton and Kim can bond over their love of food and women, and their embarrassing relatives.
4. A new poll says people in China trust sex workers more than politicians, because if you have affairs with politicians, they’re just going to end up crying about it all over the news.
5. In Canada, police are investigating parents who made a film of their seven-year-old driving a car and put it on YouTube. Now I wonder how they got the idea that might be a cute way to get famous?
2. Research ships have been sent to study what has been called a “giant plastic island” in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. However, today, the ships discovered that it was just Kenny Rogers scuba diving.
3. Bill Clinton made a surprise visit to North Korea to meet with Kim Jong Il. Clinton made the visit instead of President Obama because: a) Kim doesn’t believe Obama was born in the United States and therefore is not the president; and b) Clinton and Kim can bond over their love of food and women, and their embarrassing relatives.
4. A new poll says people in China trust sex workers more than politicians, because if you have affairs with politicians, they’re just going to end up crying about it all over the news.
5. In Canada, police are investigating parents who made a film of their seven-year-old driving a car and put it on YouTube. Now I wonder how they got the idea that might be a cute way to get famous?
Monday, August 3, 2009
8/3
1. A new study says 70% of American kids don’t get enough Vitamin D, which bodies make from sunlight. To fix the problem, scientists are trying to add sunlight to Facebook and Xboxes.
2. Judges are considering releasing O.J. Simpson, so he can work on proving that he didn’t get a fair trial. Unfortunately, O.J. says this might take even longer than finding the real killers.
3. RadioShack announced plans to change its name to just “The Shack”. Because shacks are so often associated with high-tech. This is like Pizza Hut recently changing its name to “The Hut”. I hear that soon the Catholic Church is going to change its name to “The Lick”. Maybe RadioShack and Pizza Hut want to empathize with customers going through foreclosure. “Our customers tend to live in shacks and huts these days.”
4. Actor Ryan O’Neal has admitted not recognizing his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, in addition to accidentally hitting on her. No wonder his daughter uses crack. Actually, maybe her being a crackhead is what turned him on.
5. A recent college graduate in New York is suing her college because she hasn’t been able to find a job. And apparently, she’s also suing Disney because she still hasn’t been rescued by a charming prince. I hear one of her complaints is that companies are turning her down for being too whiny.
2. Judges are considering releasing O.J. Simpson, so he can work on proving that he didn’t get a fair trial. Unfortunately, O.J. says this might take even longer than finding the real killers.
3. RadioShack announced plans to change its name to just “The Shack”. Because shacks are so often associated with high-tech. This is like Pizza Hut recently changing its name to “The Hut”. I hear that soon the Catholic Church is going to change its name to “The Lick”. Maybe RadioShack and Pizza Hut want to empathize with customers going through foreclosure. “Our customers tend to live in shacks and huts these days.”
4. Actor Ryan O’Neal has admitted not recognizing his daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, in addition to accidentally hitting on her. No wonder his daughter uses crack. Actually, maybe her being a crackhead is what turned him on.
5. A recent college graduate in New York is suing her college because she hasn’t been able to find a job. And apparently, she’s also suing Disney because she still hasn’t been rescued by a charming prince. I hear one of her complaints is that companies are turning her down for being too whiny.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
BEST OF THE WEEK
In Saudi Arabia, a man is facing arrest after admitting on TV that he used his Bluetooth to meet women for sex. Millions are calling for his punishment -- not for the sex, but for using Bluetooth. You might ask how he could be so stupid to admit this on TV. But you have to remember that as a Bluetooth user, he doesn’t understand that his words and actions can be noticed by other people.
A recent study says tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. I disagree. Have you ever tried getting a tanning bed into a cup of coffee? My boss caught on right away.
While jogging yesterday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy had a “vasovagal” collapse. This is different from a vaso-vaginal collapse, which would mean Sarkozy had reverted back to his original gender.
A seven-year-old in Utah was caught joyriding and got invited to the Today show. Yeah, that’ll teach him not to joyride again! “Hey, if I do illegal things, I get lots of positive attention!” This is how kids grow up to be serial killers. Actually, what police are really upset about is that the kid was driving while texting.
An escort who says she slept with the prime minister of Italy also says he offered her a seat at the European Parliament. When she noted that all the seats were currently filled, he explained that he meant on the lap of a British minister.
A woman in Georgia was arrested for padding her bra with crystal meth. Apparently in some parts of Georgia, that’s the best way to attract a man.
A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.
Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.
In New Zealand, a swimmer almost drowned when a dolphin wanted to keep playing and prevented her from returning to shore. Parents with young children could easily relate. “No, mommy just wants to return to the couch.”
The Princeton Review says that Penn State University has the “widest use of beer”. My old college had a pretty wide range of uses for beer too -- furniture, weaponry, and (if you strapped enough cans to your body) transportation.
Some experts now say that recommended daily limits for alcohol aren’t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”
China is now looking for “super humans” to be astronauts. It wants people with no birth defects, no family history of illness, not even any bad breath. Basically, it doesn’t want anyone whose family eats food from China.
Scientists say divorced people have a higher chance of health problems even if they remarry. Some think this is due to the stress of divorce, but others believe it’s from the lingering effects of gunshot wounds.
The city of New York is paying homeless people to move back to their hometowns rather than stay in shelters. You know, after losing my job and apartment, I’ve always wanted to move back home to… Cancun. One problem is that a similar program in Chicago keeps sending people to New York City. It’s kind of like homeless musical chairs.
President Obama had a beer with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant James Crowley at the White House today, in order to heal America’s racial problems by drinking the beverage that has fuelled so many of them. There was some tension at first though, when Crowley asked Obama to prove that it was actually his house.
Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman’s perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.
To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.
A housing company in Chicago is suing a former tenant for writing a Twitter tweet about mold in her apartment. The company says no mold was found anywhere in the apartment, and especially not on the dead bodies.
A recent study says tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. I disagree. Have you ever tried getting a tanning bed into a cup of coffee? My boss caught on right away.
While jogging yesterday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy had a “vasovagal” collapse. This is different from a vaso-vaginal collapse, which would mean Sarkozy had reverted back to his original gender.
A seven-year-old in Utah was caught joyriding and got invited to the Today show. Yeah, that’ll teach him not to joyride again! “Hey, if I do illegal things, I get lots of positive attention!” This is how kids grow up to be serial killers. Actually, what police are really upset about is that the kid was driving while texting.
An escort who says she slept with the prime minister of Italy also says he offered her a seat at the European Parliament. When she noted that all the seats were currently filled, he explained that he meant on the lap of a British minister.
A woman in Georgia was arrested for padding her bra with crystal meth. Apparently in some parts of Georgia, that’s the best way to attract a man.
A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.
Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.
In New Zealand, a swimmer almost drowned when a dolphin wanted to keep playing and prevented her from returning to shore. Parents with young children could easily relate. “No, mommy just wants to return to the couch.”
The Princeton Review says that Penn State University has the “widest use of beer”. My old college had a pretty wide range of uses for beer too -- furniture, weaponry, and (if you strapped enough cans to your body) transportation.
Some experts now say that recommended daily limits for alcohol aren’t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”
China is now looking for “super humans” to be astronauts. It wants people with no birth defects, no family history of illness, not even any bad breath. Basically, it doesn’t want anyone whose family eats food from China.
Scientists say divorced people have a higher chance of health problems even if they remarry. Some think this is due to the stress of divorce, but others believe it’s from the lingering effects of gunshot wounds.
The city of New York is paying homeless people to move back to their hometowns rather than stay in shelters. You know, after losing my job and apartment, I’ve always wanted to move back home to… Cancun. One problem is that a similar program in Chicago keeps sending people to New York City. It’s kind of like homeless musical chairs.
President Obama had a beer with Professor Henry Gates and Sergeant James Crowley at the White House today, in order to heal America’s racial problems by drinking the beverage that has fuelled so many of them. There was some tension at first though, when Crowley asked Obama to prove that it was actually his house.
Nearly 150 people at a Texas bank got sick from a woman’s perfume. In their defense, it was Chanel’s new Sam O’Nella #5.
To save part of a German woman’s ear, doctors sewed it into her ass. You know, most people talk out of their asses, but now finally someone is listening.
A housing company in Chicago is suing a former tenant for writing a Twitter tweet about mold in her apartment. The company says no mold was found anywhere in the apartment, and especially not on the dead bodies.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
8/1
1. A woman in Georgia was arrested for padding her bra with crystal meth. Apparently in some parts of Georgia, that’s the best way to attract a man.
2. A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”
3. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a small submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.
4. Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.
5. Some experts say that recommended daily limits on alcohol consumption aren‘t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”
2. A village in Africa is holding its own funeral for Michael Jackson, because it made him a prince in 1992. The village tried to get Jackson’s body, but were told by his family: “Yeah, like we have the original either.”
3. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a small submarine to the bottom of the world’s deepest lake, gaining the lead in his long-running machismo contest with Sarah Palin. In response, Palin announced that she would capture and eat Matt Lauer.
4. Michael Phelps set a new swimming record last night, beating a rival who had been taunting him before the race. In fact, to further show his superiority, Phelps lit a celebratory joint in the middle of the race, instead of waiting for the finish.
5. Some experts say that recommended daily limits on alcohol consumption aren‘t a good idea. In Russia, officials replied: “We’ve always known that, which is why we use hourly limits.”
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