1. A man in Oregon has been given back his lost wallet after 63 years. He reportedly said: “Oh my, the condom is still inside. If I hadn’t lost this, I would never have knocked up Mary, then we might have never gotten married, and I might have actually gotten out of this godforsaken town. Thanks for reminding me of that.” Trojan has approached him to do ads about the benefits of condom use.
2. The most accurate terrain map of Earth has now been published. One surprise was that the highest elevations in Argentina turned out to be the breasts of Governor Mark Sanford’s girlfriend. Okay, so maybe you were technically hiking through mountains. We apologize.
3. A new study says that daily sex is good for sperm. Does masturbation count? Then what does it say about hourly sex?
4. A new study says that vegetarians might live longer because they avoid cancer, but it evens out the end, because they don’t avoid getting beaten up by omnivores.
5. The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled that Al Franken is “entitled” to a Senate seat. Are they aware that they’re waving a red cape at conservatives? If there’s anything that gets Republicans up in arms, it’s the word “entitlement”. Unless your last name starts with the letter B.
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