6/27

1. After the bizarre disappearance of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, the Associated Press called other governors to ask where they were. For example, Governor Schwarzenegger was arm wrestling girly men, and coincidentally, so was Governor Sarah Palin.

2. The missing crown for the Miss Nevada beauty pageant has been found. Nevada senator Harry Reid apologized for the theft. It’s just that when he looks in the mirror, he needs something that really makes him feel like Senate Majority Leader.

3. The U.S. has now had over one million cases of swine flu, and the lucky one-millionth case won free hospital care! However, there’s some controversy about his claim that swine flu requires Viagra.

4. Once again, a lunch with investor Warren Buffet was auctioned off. However, this year’s auction was somewhat tainted when it was revealed that these auctions are actually the entire source of Buffet’s wealth.

5. Green is the color of the Iranian opposition, and it’s a very versatile color -- the color of Islam, money, environmentalism, and the face of anyone eating alfalfa sprouts. Did you hear there’s another case of salmonella in alfalfa sprouts? Around the country, millions of kids are praying for a salmonella outbreak in peas. Also, here in the U.S., people have been supporting the Iranian opposition since last winter: